The Nuts

"The Nuts" is the absolute best possible hand in any given hand of poker. It's the unbeatable, unbreakable hand. Having "the Nuts" is a very good thing but eating the nuts all night long is not.

I love playing poker but I haven't figured out how to do it without stuffing my poker face full of snacks. I always have fun getting together with friends and taking their money but I hate taking away all the extra calories along with the cash. I'm happy I came in 1st place last night but I'm not happy about all the crap I ate.

I had a decent dinner before heading out so I wouldn't be tempted by the snack food but it didn't work out so well. I ate baked tortilla chips, nuts (pistachios, cashews and walnuts) and then it got really bad when some leftover fun sized Halloween candy got broken out. I had a few Butterfingers and a few Health bars before I pulled in the reins and stopped myself from a full fledged binge. I felt so gross and disgusted with myself. I didn't want to eat that crap but I did it anyway. When will I learn?

I need to be able to resist the temptation to eat just because it's there and everyone else is eating it. I need to figure out how to have a social life and stay on my healthy eating plan.

I can't even use alcohol as an excuse because I gave that up for Lent so I was only drinking water. Maybe I should have given up chocolate for 40 days instead of vodka.

It looks like I'll be spending my time at the gym this this week working the chocolate off my poker face.

Speaking Out and Eating Out

I had dinner with a woman I used to work with last night. We weren't very close when we worked together but I went to a few concerts with her and over the years we have gotten together once in a while for lunch (I don't think she has too many close friends).

She spent the better part of 4 hours talking about a sexual harassment problem she is having at work (and 2 of her brothers died in the last year) so it wasn't a jolly, laughin' drinkin' fun time.

She is extremely upset because she overheard one guy say to another (across the hall in another cubicle) "I bet you could make her scream" and a few days later she overheard these two guys and a few others talking about their favorite positions (again, across the hall in another cube). I have so many guy friends that it probably wouldn't even phase me to overhear that. Guys talk that locker room trash all the time. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do ... oh sorry ... this is serious stuff ... right?

She is so sensitive and traumatized by this that she's been losing sleep over it, doesn't want to go to work, can't make it in on time, and has been sending out resumes even though she really likes the job. She complained to management who said they have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of stuff so they had a little chat with the trash talking boys. Now my friend feels that these guys are shunning her. She wants to file a lawsuit but I honestly don't think she has a very good case.

These guys had always been polite to her and never said anything directly to her or even in the same room as her. They didn't know she was still in the office when they made these comments. I told her I think she would be wasting her money on a lawyer and if she was that uncomfortable about it she should start looking for a new job. Would you be offended, complain to management, talk to the guys yourself, laugh it off, or do nothing?

I'm not saying it's right but I don't think it's worth giving up a good job. She may be uncomfortable about it but I don't think she has a case for sexual harassment. Ya know, guys will be guys - they try to act like tough sexual animals around each other and brag about their stamina and sexual prowess. I didn't want to tell her she is overreacting. I felt bad for her but I really think she is sacrificing a great job because of a couple of guys talkin' smack.

I only had one cocktail but I wanted many (especially after the first 2 hours). We split an appetizer of pumpkin ravioli with some sort of reduced vinegar drizzle, I had an entree of rosemary chicken, asparagus and garlic potatoes and we split an amazing dessert of white chocolate, cream, fresh strawberry piece of heaven. I didn't stuff myself and the portions were very small so I don't think it was THAT bad although when you're trying to lose weight any dinner out is over the limit. Restaurants do not skimp on butter, oil and other fats to make their food taste amazing.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a work lunch at the very same restaurant today. The portions were twice as big and 1/3 of the price on the lunch menu. Why do restaurants charge so much more for dinner. I can understand a few extra dollars but this place had $7-12 lunch dishes and $18-30 dinner entrees. I always feel ripped off - I hate that. I did much better calorie-wise with the lunch. I had a delicious chicken, spinach, tomato and green bean dish (no cocktail, no appetizer and no dessert).

I'm hoping to get through the rest of the week without having to eat out again. It is so much harder to control how many calories I consume when I'm at a restaurant. I try to make good choices (I really wanted a cheesy pasta dinner) but it isn't easy.

I'm looking forward to winter so I can hibernate (actually, I love winter and can't wait to get out and play in the snow). I wonder how much weight a bear loses by hibernating through the winter. Maybe I need to sleep the weight off. Hey, maybe that is the next new diet craze ... they put you to sleep for a few months, feed you through a tube, put you on a machine that exercises your body and you'll wake up thin. I bet people would do it. They'll put you to sleep and you can LOSE 30 POUNDS IN 30 DAYS. It will be all the rage, the celebrities will be flocking to the sleeping spa. Just dream of your new body and wake up with it. Hmmmm ... wouldn't it be nice.

I want to get a good solid week of healthy eating in before facing the big bird next week. I'm determined to get through the weekend without regaining. Wish me luck.

Holidays

I swear I can gain weight just looking at food. Every pound lost takes a Herculean effort but it is easy as pie for me to gain a solid 3-5 lbs in a weekend away (even if I haven't eaten any pie).

I'm trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of food that comes with the holiday celebrations. First, there is the Halloween candy everywhere. Everyone is pushing sugar, sugar and more sugar. The store isles are filled with tons of it and every desk in my office has a "trick or treat" dish staring at me. After coming down off the sugar high we have to get through the holiday that is basically all about the food (turkey, stuffing, smashed potatoes, pies, cookies, cake, etc.). We give thanks for the abundance of food and curse it at the same time as we slip into a food overdose coma while watching football. After you get all the Tryptophan out of your system the holiday parties start. Friends want to get together for a cup or two (or ten) of holiday cheer, the gift baskets of food get delivered to the office, relatives visit and bring all their special dishes, Christmas celebrations abound, New Year's drinking ... oh, give my strength. Where do I buy fashionable holiday blinders so I can avoid looking at and giving in to all the temptations?

I want to go out and enjoy myself over the holidays. I want to celebrate but I don't want to get to the start of another year fatter than the last. I need a plan to get through these next couple of months without gaining even more weight. I'm at my highest weight ever and I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds for months.

Maybe I should just concentrate on not gaining, making the best choices I can and getting as much exercise as possible. I'll concentrate on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor and away from the buffet tables. I'll be the Dancin' Queen. Dancing burns calories, right? What do I do at the parties without a dance floor? The parties where the entertainment is food and booze.

How do you get through social events without diving off the weight loss wagon?

Sugar is my Crack

I'm addicted to sugar - all kinds of sugar. This shit is worse than crack cocaine. No matter how many times I tell myself it is about moderation I can find myself in the middle of an all out binge. I convince myself I can certainly have ONE piece of chocolate, cookie, cake or whatever but then I'll find myself feeling nauseous because I've eaten the whole bar, bag or pan. I sometimes feel like Homer with his mouth hanging open, drool running down his chin mumbling something about donuts until I come out of the food coma/sugar shock. That is when regret and disgust come running in the room.

I don't know what happens to my brain on sugar. Is it like that commercial with the egg in the frying pan? . . . this is your brain, this is your brain on SUGAR *SMASH* your brain is a bunch of egg yoke all over the walls.

Why do I torture myself with thoughts of weight loss while simultaneously eating an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels (and I'm not talking about the little individual serving size either)? I haven't done this in at least a month but it has happened more times than I care to remember.

Every waking day of my life is a struggle to resist overloading on sugar or carbs. Every family function, every day at the office, every BBQ and birthday party is a struggle. Just last week at the office there was a party to celebrate a new baby (Jen's) and a wedding (Dena's); there was a vanilla cake with strawberries, a chocolate mousse-type cake and a full set up of Brigham's ice cream with all the fixings (jimmies, hot fudge, whipped cream, etc.). I need to find the strength to be able to attend these things without giving into the temptation. I know it is possible to resist, I've done it, but it just sucks. How do you handle all the temptations? Do you become anti-social? do you tie your hands behind your back? wire your jaw shut? pretend you are happy to sit and celebrate with a glass of water or tea? How the f*** do you celebrate with celery?

I think it would be easier to give up crack (thankfully I don't have any first hand knowledge of this - I have enough problems). Crack isn't something you have to do multiple times a day, you can't buy it everywhere although I'm sure most high school kids could tell you where to get it, and you couldn't do it just about everywhere, every single day for your entire life or you will die. You have to eat, right? You can't just say "I'm going to get clean," "I'm going to give up food," "I'm going to stay away from the places where they have food," "I'm going to rehab." In the words of Amy Winehouse "I say NOOO, NOOO, NOOO." You can't just give up eating and after 40 years I can't seem to figure out how to do it right.

I need to find answers, I need to find the key, I need to flick that switch in my brain, I need to retrain my brain and stop my hands from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm getting desperate. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm trying to work up the courage to post some "before" pictures so you can see what I'm dealing with but I can hardly stand to look at pictures of myself let alone put them on the world wide web for all to see but I'm working on it.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Hello, my name is MB and I'm addicted to sugar.