Get STARTed NOW

It's a new year and everyone is working on their resolutions to get fit and lose weight. I hardly make resolutions but have been working towards this goal for decades and feel like I'm finally making some progress.

I was surprised and honored to be mentioned in today's podcast of Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone. I've been a big fan of the Amazing Dietgirl, Shauna Reid and the internet fitness guru MizFit, Carla Birnberg for a long time. They have been guiding me, encouraging me and inspiring me for years. You should check out the podcast if you haven't heard it already. These woman know what they're talking about (and I love listening to Shauna's accent).

In Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone's "Episode 07 - Getting STARTed in 2010" podcast Shauna and Carla interviewed a few of my weight loss heroes such as Jen of Prior Fat Girl, Diane of Fit to the Finish, Jennette of PastaQueen, Mary of A Merry Life, Roni of Roni's Weigh, and Lynn of Lynn's Weigh and introduced me to a few new to me bloggers - Kepa of Fat Lazy Guy's Log, and Caro of On The Weight Watch. I'm looking forward to checking them out.

I'm ready to take all their good advice and make this final journey back down the scale for the last time. I've been on this road a very long time, I've gone through season after season, year after year, I've taken detours and gotten lost but I feel I'm finally able to put in the time and effort it takes to get healthy and fit and stay that way. I'm going to get it right this time. I am losing it AGAIN and will learn how to keep it off this time *fingers crossed* *knock wood* *spin around three times* *click your ruby slippers together* *PLEASE G-D*

I'm ready to get STARTed. Are you? How bad do you really want it? Don't wait another minute. Get STARTed NOW!

Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.

Starting Over, Again, at 40!

I must be living in the twilight zone. I can't be 40, can I? How is that possible? The truth is I turned 40 in July and, just like almost every year of my life, my birthday wish has been to get in shape, lose the weight and finally figure out my issues so I can lose the weight for good.

I know how to lose the weight. I've done it before - numerous times. My past diets are an extensive list. I can't even remember them all. I've done all the crazy and not so crazy diets, just like everyone else in this blogging weight obsessed community. Every magizine is full of before and after photos, celebrities who lost a ton or gained a ton, she's too thin, she's too fat, it is so insane. I wanted to scream when I saw an article where they zoomed in on celebrities' cellulite with lenses more powerful than the hubble telescope. They ripped these woman apart. They were NOT fat. They barely had a dimple on their thighs and then they wonder why every woman in this country has some sort of obsession with their weight and is obsessed with trying to fit the mold.

I'm not looking to fit in any mold. I have curves; I don't want to look like a teenaged boy. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I don't want to spill over the seat on the train, I want to feel sexy for my boyfriend, I want to want to have sex (it's been a while), I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I really, really want it. So, if I REALLY want it why do I keep binging, why do I keep eating things that I know are bad for me, why, why, why? I think about my weight constantly, I read tons of weight related blogs (my hero is pastaqueen). PQ has lost more than half her weight by . . . DIET and EXERCISE!!! I started reading her blog when she was much heavier than I am now. I was determined to lose weight along with her. She is almost at her goal and I still haven't really gotten started. We all know HOW to do it - eat less and move more. Sounds so simple, huh? My problem is in my head. I will eat until I feel sick and promise myself I will never do it again, I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday, I'll have good days and then it all falls apart. I spend so much energy thinking about it, doing it and then having to start all over again. I don't want to do it anymore.

I've had successful attempts at losing it. I lost about 60 pounds about 10 years ago on Jenny C. but gained it all back. Five years ago I lost around 65 pounds on a modified South Beach/Atkins/OA-type diet. Basically I didn't each anything white for more than a year (no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, or flour). It was torture but I felt great, I looked pretty good and then I ate a crouton and blew up like a deer tick. Obviously, I ate more than a crouton but you get the idea.

Currently I am at my heaviest weight EVER. I can't stand it. I'm smarter than this. I know I can lose it but what I can't figure out is why I keep sabotaging myself and gaining it all back. I'm so much happier when I'm able to buy "normal" size clothes, feel fit and like what I see in the mirror. I can barely stand to look in a mirror these days. I am disgusted. I need to change. I don't want to spend the next 40 years in the yo-yo cycle. I am determined to figure this out!

My goal is to lose at least 70 pounds. I can't even believe I have that much to lose (AGAIN) but I do. That is not an unrealistic goal. If I look at charts for my height I should probably lose more like 80 or 85 pounds but I'm not going to stress out about getting to a specific number, I just need the number to go down.

I'm hoping by writing here I will be able to get the motivation I need to not only lose it, AGAIN, but to keep it off. Wish me luck!