Giving Thanks

I spend so much time here b*tching and moaning about my life, my weight, how much I hate my job, blah, blah, blah so I thought today would be the perfect day to turn it around (at least for the day) and give thanks.

I absolutely hate my job more than ever but I'm thankful I have a job and receive that all important paycheck every week that keeps a roof over my head and, obviously, more than enough food on my table.

This year was extremely tough with B's broken back and bout with meningitis, his Dad's broken back and ribs and other health related scares but everyone is recovering and our families are relatively healthy and happy.

There was that huge incident with my mother back in May and even though she never apologized and we haven't spoken on the phone, we have been in contact over e-mail. I realized that she is who she is and she is never going to change. I have to accept her the way she is and move on from there. I know it will be hard to handle her future visits because she will not be able to stay at my house with B but we'll figure something out. She is a stubborn Italian who knows how to hold a grudge and no matter how wrong she was she will never see it that way and will never apologize. I'm got over it like I got over all the things that happened in my childhood that she says never happened but she did give me life so I have to be thankful for that.

As much as I hate all the extra pounds I've been carrying around for too many years, I'm still pretty healthy. I can (and do) walk, run, hike, bike, ski, snowboard and stay active even if the scale doesn't move in the downward direction. My weight doesn't hold me back from moving around and living my life. I'd be more thankful if I didn't have to lug around all the fat while doing these activities but I haven't given up so I'm very thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for all the love and support out there in the blogsphere. There are some incredible people who have done amazing things and I'm glad to be a part of their lives even if they don't know I'm lurking around. Thank you all for being part of my life even if it is only through the screen.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for what you have.

Right Now

Right here, right now is all we really have. I spend so much time thinking of how I lost weight in the past. What worked, what didn't work, how long it took, how much weight did I lose, what did I eat or not eat, how hard or easy was it, what size did I get in, where did I find the motivation to stick with it, what was going on in my life that made it easier or harder to do?

I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.

It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.

When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.

I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?

It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?

I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.

Will I ever figure this out?

Amy, Amy, Amy ...

Amy, what have you done? I was so proud of you last week and then you go and do something really dumb. You gave Vicky new life when you had the power to send her home. What were you thinking? If it comes down to all blue in the end, you will be in fourth place. I'm so disappointed. Amy obviously doesn't realize that Vicky will vote her out the first chance she gets and Coleen would have been much less of a threat.

This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.

Holidays ...

I can't believe the holidays are almost hear and another year is passing by with barely any movement on the scale. Well, there has been movement - up a little one day, down a little the next - but basically it hasn't changed much over the past year.

I'm starting to wonder why I am not making the commitment necessary to lose it (again) and keep it off (finally). What am I waiting for? When will it click and stick?

Biggest Bitches

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser and I don't think I've ever really HATED any contestant. Oh sure, there were whiners, cry babies and people I didn't particularly like but there was never such hatred for a contestant as I have this season. Even the year that guy drank gallons of water to throw a weigh-in didn't get me that upset. As bad and sleazy as that move was, he wasn't mean, he was just playing the game. Vicky and Heba are just nasty MEAN GIRLS.

I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.

I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).

The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.

I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.

Thematic Photographic - Autumn

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is Autumn. This photo isn't the typical Autumn photo of leaves turning or pumpkin patches but I thought I would try for a little out of the ordinary. If you want pretty leaves you can check them out here, here and here.

You know the drill, stop on over at written inc. to get all the details and join the fun.

Unexpected Benefits

Things at work haven't gotten any better. I'm absolutely miserable in my new position and I dread going there every day. I feel like I'm being punished and forced into a corner to be tortured for 40 hours a week. The only good thing is that I've been so busy and stressed I haven't been eating much lately so I've dropped a few pounds.

I hope I don't have to make a trade-off of either being fat and happy or thin and miserable. I want it all and I'm determined to get out of this firm and away from the heartless b*stards.

I'm still waiting for the headhunter to set up some interviews and I've been sending resumes out but between the tanking economy and the approaching holidays I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to make a move. In the meantime, I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do, right?

Is it Friday yet?

Thematic Photographic - Night

My night vision isn't great but just like Carmi, I can't go out in the sunshine without squinting and shading my eyes or wearing dark sunglasses. My eyes are super sensitive and water when the wind blows or bright lights shine on them. I guess it isn't so strange that I can't control the flow of tears.

This week's thematic photographic theme is night. I took this photo at Downtown Crossing about this time last year.



Head over to written inc. and get the details to join in on the thematic photographic fun.

Thematic Photographic - Happy

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is "HAPPY." Unfortunately, I haven't been very happy these days but this picture always helps. Who can be unhappy looking at a sweet baby face.

I couldn't decide whether the baby face actually fit the theme so I decided to add this photo that was taken at a wedding in Disney last year. It is where the magic happens, right? Can anyone be unhappy at Disney?



Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.

Bad to Worse ...

Not only am I being forced to work for someone I don't like but they are insisting I move my desk to another part of the office. Right now I sit in a 2 person station with a right handed desk and they want to move me closer to the new guy in a four person station in a left handed desk. I absolutely don't want to move.

The good news is I made an appointment to see a headhunter Monday morning. He said he has some good positions available. I also talked to my boss about my issues with the "restructuring" and told him I was not happy about working for the other guy but would do it but if they forced me to move my desk I was going to be looking for another job as much as I love working for him. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the executive committee but wasn't sure if they would change their decision.

I'm glad it is Friday but I'm already dreading going back to work Monday. I'm afraid I'm going to go in and they will have already moved my stuff to the new area.

UGGHH!

One of THOSE days ....

I thought my day couldn't get any worse after I realized I lost my T-pass (train/ bus prepaid monthly pass) and MP3 player ... boy, was I wrong.

I left for work a few minutes late and as I was running for the bus I realized I didn't have my T-pass that I keep in a badge holder along with my MP3 player so I let the bus pass and ran back up (3 flights of stairs) to my apartment to look for it. I looked everywhere, dumped my bag on the kitchen table and searched every pocket I had on yesterday - no luck. So now I was out $59 for the pass and $?? for the music and player.

With that stellar start I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. The ax came down at work and the pink slips went flying around. I still have a job but will be working for different people (who I don't particularly like) instead of the two great guys I work for now. Two of my good friends and another woman who I don't know very well got "laid off" due to "restructuring." Both of my good friends have worked for the firm 10+ years and one of them is a single mother. It isn't bad enough that they laid them off but they gave them absolutely no notice and only 4 weeks severance.

I realize these are tough economic times but how can you do that to someone after 10 years ... tell them at 3:00 to pack their bags and be out by 5:00. We all got 10 year bonuses just months ago.

My head hurts. I am so irritated and frustrated because I am unable to control my emotions when having tough conversations with my boss (or anyone). I am extremely sensitive (always have been) to the point where my eyes start tearing up and my throat constricts to the point I can't even speak. There are times I want to scream and yell but can't seem to keep it together long enough to do that and just cry like a baby instead. WTF!! I'm over 40 years old and I still haven't learned how to control my emotions enough to have a difficult conversation. I'm continually rendered moot by my sensitivity and raw emotions. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the blubbering like an idiot? It is ridiculous.

I have a feeling we haven't seen the end to the cuts and changes. I almost wish they had laid me off instead because that would have given me the kick in the *ss to get the hell out of there and find another job. I think I will be actively looking now because I am not happy at all about my new position.

I did some research on-line and there isn't much out there for me. I'm on the edge just waiting for one of the heartless bastards to push me over. UGGHH!!!

Thematic Photographic - Blur

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is blur. Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.

Fat Talk Free Week ...

Head on over to Size Ate and read all about it.

It sounds like a great idea to me. I'm sick of listening to myself. I'm going to spend the week thinking and talking about HEALTH not F*T. *crickets*

Thematic Photographic - Grounded

As a photographer, I'm always interested in viewing photographs and seeing other points of view. For months I've wanted to participate in the weekly Thematic Photographic fun which I first found at Erin's site. Unfortunately, I'm such a procrastinator that by the time I find the right picture the next week's theme is up and I missed the boat. I was determined to get involved even if my entries are late but luckily I had two days off this week so I was able to get out and get some new stuff. Thematic Photographic originates with the talented Carmi at written inc.

Here's the deal:

Every Wednesday evening, Carmi posts a new Thematic Photographic entry. Each entry has a unique theme. This week's is...grounded. You post a similarly themed image over on your blog and you paste a link to your entry in a comment at written inc. If you've already posted something that fits (on a blog, Facebook, MySpace, wherever) simply post the link to the existing entry.

You may post as many photos or links as you wish. For the week, Carmi will be supporting the theme with a related picture/posting each day and we are all encouraged to do the same. This is all about sharing, so feel free to share to your heart's content!

Please share this link with friends, too, and encourage them to join in. The more, the merrier.

Declare Youself

Please, please, please ... take advantage of your right. Do your civic duty on November 4th and get out and vote. The deadline to register here in Mass. is October 15th so you Massholes still have time to get registered. It is already too late to register in some other states but I suggest you get registered anyway because we'll have another important decision to make in four years and sooner than that in your local states and towns. Do it now!

Head Games

I am so frustrated! I just don't understand how I can be so consumed with thinking about my weight and desperately wanting to lose it but don't put in the effort to get it done. Deep in my heart I know I want to get fit and healthy but I continue to hit the snooze button and sleep in or sit on my *ss in front of the tv when I get home at night making every damn excuse in the book about why I'm too *whatever the excuse of the day is* to workout.

I've done the all or nothing diets before and thought I would try the "nothing is off limits" diet so I don't go "on" and "off" but it isn't getting me anywhere. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds every week and need to find a way to kick my own *ss and get motivated.

The only times I have been successful with major weight loss is when I've gone to extremes. Not extremes like the all cabbage diet or the cookie diet but extremes like Jenny Craig or low carb (modified Atkins) South Beach type diets where I will be very strict with my food consumption, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself until I've gained it all back.

What is it going to take for me to get it right this time? I'm full of frustration!

Book Review: Thin is the New Happy by Val Frankel

I recently finished reading Val Frankel's "Thin is the New Happy." I loved her writing style and could certainly relate to her distorted body image view and struggle with her weight. Val was a lifelong dieter who was never able to get her weight under control until she stopped dieting.

While writing the book Val worked hard to deal with her issues with her mother who put her on her first diet at the age of 11 so she [her mother] wouldn't be embarrassed to see her [Val] in a bathing suit on their upcoming vacation. In her twenties, Val received some "magical" advice regarding her mother issues from a therapist. The shrink told her "Your mother is not going to change. You can either fight her to the death, or accept her for who she is and just deal with it." I think I have to learn how to deal with my own mother for different reasons but it is great advice for any of us that have a mother.

At her heaviest weight (I think after having a baby) I don't think she was ever more than 40 pounds overweight but we all know it doesn't matter if you are 5, 50 or 100+ overweight, we all seem to struggle with what we see in the mirror.

This book is funny, sad and inspiring. I laughed and cried and laughed some more. I hope I can achieve the same success by getting on the NON-diet bandwagon. I want to believe if we(I) just worried about taking better care of ourselves and not about the numbers on the scale we would get to the weight we are supposed to be at and not struggle with binging, starving, dieting, and feeling the weight every single day. I'm guilty of always thinking about the last diet, the current diet, the next diet, what I ate or didn't eat today, how to get through the next birthday, wedding, special occasion, meeting, free bagel Thursdays, and each and every food platter where there will be temptations such as cake, cookies, chocolate, bread, etc., etc. It is time to stop.

I think Val was spurned on to deal with her body image issues because she didn't want her daughters to live the life of a dieter. She wanted her daughters to have a positive body image whether they carried a few extra pounds or not. She ultimately made a vow "There would be no dieting for specific events. No dieting on deadline. No dieting at all."

Frankel had some help from a famous friend who forced her to really look at herself and "teach her techniques for dressing [her] frame - not Giselle's frame..." She told her "You have fifteen pounds of guilt and shame for not being who you think you're supposed to be. Those fifteen pounds are an anvil around your neck. You wake up in the morning and feel the heaviness before you get out of bed. It affects your day and your life."

I could go on and on quoting the wisdom written in the pages of this book. When I read a book I tend to dog-ear pages that have something particularly interesting or worthy of reading again and almost every page towards the end of the book is dog-eared. I felt her struggle and truly believe she found a way out of the crazy cycle of dieting. She said "Thinness was a dream, a goal. I'd chased the dream of being a size eight, and had caught it many times, only to watch it slip away." I've caught that same dream and allowed it to slip away too. How many times can I do it without learning the lesson? If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got, right?

I laughed out loud when I read "... repeating the same success/failure cycle was downright Sisyphian. And I'd been pushing the boulder up the hill, only to stand aside and let it roll back down intentionally!?! It was worse than Sisyphian. It was Assholian ... God as my witness, I would never be Assholian again!" I don't want to be Assholian anymore either.

It sounds like Frankel finally figured out how any woman "could melt down to her genetically predetermined true weight." I recommend you read the book and find out the four things you need to do to get there.

This book is worth its weight. I highly recommend it.

I ain't missing you ...

We were together so long, I thought I would love you forever. I didn't think I could get through a day without you. I thought I would never be able to give you up but things change, people change, and I think I'm happy to get you out of my system. I see you and think I want to bring you back in my life but then I think about how you really don't do anything for me and I get over my need/want to have you back in my life again.

I don't know if I believe the hype about diet soda making people fat. I know most of my skinny friends drink the full sugar versions if they drink soda at all and I know my dentist will be happy I quit drinking the stuff. The caramel coloring and acid stuff is really bad for your teeth.

I have to admit I'm a bit shocked I don't miss my daily dose. I would share at least 3-4 glasses on weeknights, would start my weekend days by having one with breakfast along with my coffee and would drink almost a liter or 3-4 cans a day on the weekends. I didn't consciously decide to give it up but when B was in the hospital I didn't buy any and just started drinking more water. I still have a few lone cans in the back of my fridge but they don't call me as loud and forcefully as they once did.

I was hooked after my very first taste. It was like a drug addiction. I think I started drinking it in 1982 or 1983 when it first hit the shelves. It was so much better than regular Coke or Pepsi and I honestly drank it just for the taste of it. When ordering in a restaurant I would always ask if it was Coke or Pepsi products and would end up drinking water if they didn't have my sweet Diet Coke. Some even say there is a Diet Coke Cult.

What could be wrong with quenching my thirst with a zero calorie beverage? Were the ingredients really that bad for me? What could be wrong with a little Carbonated Water, Caramel Color, Aspartame, Phosphoric Acid, Potassium Benzoate (to protect taste), Natural Flavors, Citric Acid, Zero Calories, 0g Fat, 40mg Sodium, 0g Carbs and 0g protein. I don't know if it ever did me any harm but it probably didn't do much good and I'll certainly be cutting out a lot of my daily sodium intake.

Was it just a superficial relationship? If I got out of the habit of my daily dose of Diet Coke, shouldn't I be able to get off the rest of the sugar and bad carbs I continue to eat. I know the sugar and white starchy carbs are even worse for me than a little zero calorie, sweet, bubbly, just for the taste of it, Diet Coke.

I don't know if I'm ready to say I'll never have another Diet Coke again (never is a very long time) but, for right now, I'm going to try to stay off the stuff and see what happens. That can't be bad for me, right?

(Necklace and other repurposed jewelry products can be found here)

In Memory of 9/11/01

A day to remember, a day we will never forget, a day of tears and prayers.

It seems hard to believe it has been seven years since the world we live in changed forever.

Be safe. God bless America!

Summer .... What Summer?

I can't believe the summer is over and I hardly got out to enjoy it. We did get up north this weekend but couldn't even go to all the Labor Day parties. B's recovery is slow and he gets tired easily. The doctor told us that B will not feel 100% for 3-6 months.

Even though I'm disappointed to have missed out on all the summer fun, I'm always happy to see the leaves change and know that the snow is not too far off. I'll be glad when 2008 is over. It hasn't been a very good year.