Photographic Proof I am NOT the Biggest Loser

I've watched every single season of the Biggest Loser and was thrilled that this season ended with an all women finale. I was so excited to see the sisters, Oliva and Hannah, make it to the finals together. I love seeing people transform their lives and reach their goals but I have a few issues with the show. You can read about my love/hate relationship with TBL here. There wasn't too much drama this season and I believe almost all the "Losers" this year were there to change their lives and not just there to play the game and win the money.

I'm happy to say I no longer qualify to be on the show even if I were brave enough to get weighed in wearing a bra for all the world to see. I could barely stand to take progress photos of myself but now I wish I had. I love seeing before and after photos and wish I had the nerve to post them like many of you do. Whenever I saw a photo of my fat self I would think "who is that?" "that can't be me," "do I really look like that?" "I must destroy these photos!" Pictures can be altered and different angles can be better or worse than others but for the most part they don't lie.

In May 2010 I attended the step challenge for Season 10 of the Biggest Loser after already losing approximately 40 pounds. You can read all about how Jillian kick my ass and how burnt I was here. It was so much fun watching Season 10 with the "Boston/NY" team (Brendan, Frado and Elizabeth) after meeting them all at the challenge so I felt a special connection to their season. I have since lost an addition 50+ through Season 10 and Season 11 and I'm still not at my goal weight. I have been losing weight for over three seasons of TBL and still haven't lost as much as they all did in only 5 months. Of course we all wish the weight would come off faster but I am a firm believer that slow and steady wins the race. I've lost weight quickly before and it came back on just as quick. It really doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there as long as you are moving in the right direction.

Even though I didn't take many progress photos I did manage to find a few I didn't destroy so I could show you. The first one was taken at my 40th birthday party shortly before I started this blog in 2007. The three in the green/blue shirt were posted for Tony, the AntiJared's Missouri 60 Challenge and were the first photos of myself I put on this blog and totally freaked out about. The one in the pink shirt from May 2010 was taken at the Biggest Loser Season 10 Step Challenge after I had already lost 40 pounds.


I'm looking forward to being at goal by the time the next season of the Biggest Loser starts. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes to lose it. Keep making those small changes and you will get to the finish line. I'm happy to say I am NOT the Biggest Loser.

Biggest Loser Inspiring a Nation

I've already told you about my love/hate relationship with The Biggest Loser but I have to admit I'm really excited about the upcoming 10th season. I was there when it all started for the black team.* I'll never forget the day Jillian kicked my ass and I burned my pearly white skin to a crisp. My thighs recovered quicker than the sunburn. I have the film footage to prove I did those 500 steps right along with Brendan and Fredo.

I'm sure the guys on the black team and every one of those contestants lost at least 100 pounds in the same time it took me to lose a mere 20 but I'm ok with that. I've lost weight quickly many times over the years but was never able to keep it off. This time I'm all about slow and steady weight loss. I didn't have to weigh in in front of the nation in a bra or have Jillian break me down and make me cry. I'm an ugly crier and I'm sure she would have had me sobbing every single day.


*if you pause the video at 00:59 you can see me in the top right corner on the edge of the frame in a pink tank top.

Would you ever want to be on a reality show? Do you get inspired by the Biggest Loser? I'm very happy to say I no longer qualify to be on the show since you have to be at least 100 pounds overweight. Maybe by the time season 11 rolls around I'll be at my goal. Unlike the Biggest Loser, I'm rockin' slow and steady ...

Jillian Kicked My Ass

I'm not talking about the 30 Day Shred or a Biggest Loser video, I'm talking about Jillian Michaels in the flesh, live and in my face. Being able to stand thisclose to her you could feel the energy, passion and intensity radiating out of her.

Jillian Michaels, Mark and Jay from Season 5, and the Biggest Loser crew were in Boston yesterday (actually Chelsea with a view of Boston) filming for Season 10. Jillian lead a fitness challenge to determine who will be on the next season of the Biggest Loser.
Mark talked about how hard the workouts really were on the show. He said the contestants were so sore they had to wash their hair by squirting shampoo on the wall of the shower and rub their head on the wall because they weren't able to lift their arms up after taking those brutal beatings in the gym.

Just warming up for the step challenge was intense. Jillian mingled through the crowd yelling, screaming and torturing us through jumping jacks, lunges, jumping lunges, mountain climbers, jump rope and push-ups before taking a break to set up for the step challenge.


There were three potential contestants there who weighed in and did the step challenge to determine who would get to go to the ranch. The first two to get to 500 steps won a trip to the ranch and a black Biggest Loser shirt. The crowd went crazy cheering them on while stepping right along with them. Unfortunately, one of the contestants wasn't able to complete the challenge and went off in an ambulance after collapsing around the 400 step mark. Jillian said she was going to send someone to the hospital and she made good on that promise. It was scary seeing someone collapse like that but we got word that Elizabeth was doing well and would be fine.

I got to meet both of the guys who will be on the black team next season. I'll definitely be cheering for my new friends Fredo and Brendan. I had the opportunity to sit and talk to them and their families (hi Caroline and Danielle) and some of the producers after the majority of the filming was done. You can't imagine how long it takes to film what will probably only be 5-10 minutes of tv. They would do retake after retake to get the right shots.

At times I was inches away from Jillian but never got to talk to her directly and she didn't hang around or sign autographs or anything like that. Security was pretty tight around her and during the breaks she was in the limo or off to the side with security all around. I did overhear her talking to Mark and Jay about this season's show. She said she stopped watching it because she would get so frustrated and would yell "that didn't happen that way" or "I didn't say that at that time." After all the production magic and editing, what we see isn't always the way things really happened. She said Koli actually broke someone's nose while boxing and how she had to convince Sam to stop with the protein shakes if he wanted to lose the weight. You know, boys will be boys.
Man, she moves fast. Can you see her hair flying? Bye Jillian, thanks for the beating.

Everyone who registered got a Biggest Loser t-shirt but not the same ones as you see the contestants on the show wear. They had this logo on the front.


I'm not sure which burns more, my thighs or my skin. I'm extremely fair skinned and always wear sunscreen. I lathered on my SPF 50 in the morning before I left but I didn't think I would be out all day so I didn't bring any with me to reapply. By the time I left 5-6 hours later I was fried.

Oh, the burn ... where's the aloe? Ouch!

The Biggest Loser Cry

Am I the only one that cries like a baby during every single episode of The Biggest Loser. I used to think it was because I was so stressed out at work and my emotions were always so raw on the surface but I'm not dealing with that stress anymore and I'm still balling my eyes out every Tuesday night.


I still have a love/hate relationship with The Biggest Loser but look forward to watching it every week.

It may take me longer than the tv season but I know I will be a BIG loser too.


Am I the only one who needs to stock up on tissues before watching The Biggest Loser?

Biggest Loser Interrupted

I am so upset with my local NBC station right now. I realize Ted Kennedy's replacement will have a big impact on the future of the nation but if I wanted to watch Ayla Brown sing and listen to political drivel I would tune in to CNN or some other all news all the time broadcast.

I missed a good 15 minutes of the Biggest Loser before they finally cut back to the show and then they cut in again with "Breaking News" before I got to see what the eliminated contestant looked like. What the !@#$%^? I hate when they do sh*t like that. They had the ticker running down at the bottom of the screen showing the results so why did they feel the need to interrupt the scheduled program with "Breaking News?"

I've never had much faith in the political leaders of our country and I don't like to talk politics or push my political views on anyone so I will only say that no matter what side of the political fence you are on, the voters have decided to continue the trend they started with Obama and voted for a change. It looks like Massachusetts will have a Republican in the Senate seat for the first time in nearly half a century. I have never seen anyone other than Ted Kennedy sit in that seat and push the Democrat agenda. Scott Brown may single-handedly be able to block the president's health care legislation and the rest of his agenda. Democrats pushed hard for Martha Coakley to win to be able to thwart Republican filibusters and now they must be scrambling to figure out how to push things through quickly before Brown is able to vote it down. I have a feeling things are going to get even uglier in Washington.

I wish there was a way to run a country without politicians. There has got to be a better way but we haven't found one yet. I'm happy I won't have to watch or listen to negative political campaign commercials every five seconds but I'm not sure how I feel about the health of our nation.

One thing is for sure, the times they are a changin' ...

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Biggest Loser - Season 8

I have to admit I have a love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. I've watched every season and will continue to watch it but there are so many things that really annoy me about the show. Here are just a few reasons why I hate it:

1. It's Dangerous. When people have to be med-flighted out of the first physical challenge because they collapse from exhaustion and dehydration, they are obviously working out way beyond their physical capacity. Some of these people probably haven't walked around the block in years but they are supposed to run a mile in the heat on their first day? I'm just waiting for them to seriously injure or kill someone the first day. It is scary.

2. The Big Sell Out. Do they really need the revenue from ALL the Product Placements? Brita water bottles, Wrigley's gum, Protein Powder, etc. etc. The show is extremely popular so I don't think they really need to pimp themselves out with all the product placements. Oh, don't even get me started on the fact that Jillian is hocking diet pills.

3. Repeating/Repeating. I realize Americans have a short attention span but is it really necessary to repeat what we just saw 3 minutes ago before the commercials? This is the biggest reason why I'd rather record the show instead of watching it live.

4. Abuse. I can't deny they get results but I don't think I would ever pay a trainer to get in my face and scream and swear at me. Jillian scares me. I know it is done for the shock value and makes for good tv but I don't find it to be motivating, I think it's mean.

5. Rapid Weight Loss. Every weight loss article and doctor recommends losing 2 pounds per week and these people are losing 5,8,10,28 pounds in ONE WEEK. That just doesn't seem right, does it? It breaks my heart to see people being disappointed and voted off for losing 13 pounds in a week. How is 13 pounds not enough to lose in a week? I know I would be thrilled to lose 13 pounds in a month.

6. Tears. It makes me cry like a baby. I know I am super sensitive but I was balling my eyes out from the first 3 minutes until the previews.

There are other things that irk me about the show but I think these are the biggest ones. Even though I have a long list of things I don't like, I love watching it and don't think I've ever missed an episode. The reasons why I overlook all of the above:

1. I can relate. I see a piece of myself in almost every one of the contestants. I may not weigh as much or have the health issues they have but there is always something I can relate to.

2. Inspiration. I get inspired to get off the couch and work out. If these people can work out for hours and pour buckets of sweat, I can get on the treadmill for an hour, right? If someone who weighs 100 pounds more than me can push themselves to do it, so can I.

3. Changes. I love seeing these people change their lives. It takes a few episodes but eventually we get to see the moment when these people "get it." They flick the switch and accept that they have to change their lives if they want to lose weight and get healthy.

4. I LOVE BOB! I still don't know what team he plays for but he is HOT!

5. Live Blogging. The only good thing about watching the show live instead of recording it is being able to participate in Fat Bridesmaid's live blog. It's so much fun to watch the show with my blogger friends.

The best thing about this show is that it encourages me to kick up my own weight loss efforts and I can use all the encouragement I can get.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

UPDATE: Check it out, Hilly asked me to republish this post on Snackie TeeVee. How cool is that? I feel honored. Thanks Hilly.

SHOCKER!

Adam Lambert is NOT your next American Idol. Can you believe it? What is going on with reality tv? First, Helen beats Tara, then Shawn out dances Gilles (I don't watch DWTS but my mother was really pissed Gilles didn't win) and now Kris beats Adam for the American Idol title. I think this was the biggest upset in A.I. history, even more shocking than when Chris Daughtry got voted out. Personally, I think Adam is better off not winning, now he doesn't have to record that sappy song as his first single and you know he'll be making a kick ass debut album as soon as the A.I. tour is over.

This must be the year for the underdogs. Do you think the front runners (Tara, Gilles and Adam) got ripped off? Were you surprised?

Pink Wins Again

Ali Vincent was the very first female winner of the Biggest Loser (Season 5)

Michelle Aguilar followed in her footsteps (Season 6)

and now Helen Phillips is the Biggest Loser of Season 7.

Pink is in. All of the winning women from the past three seasons were members of the pink team. Do you think it would help my weight loss efforts if I added more pink to my wardrobe?

I have to admit I was really disappointed Tara didn't win. I think she was an amazing competitor and I admired her determination during all the challenges. I realize all the contestants worked hard but I thought Tara had that fire in her eyes, the eye of the tiger that would take her all the way to the big prize. Maybe things would have turned out differently if she donned the pink shirt.

It was inspiring to see a 48 year old woman win but I felt Helen was portrayed as the Biggest Whiner most of the time. Personally, I thought Helen looked too skinny, almost scary skinny. She would look better if she gained back at least 10 pounds. I read she worked out over SIX hours a day and pushed herself to extremes to ensure she would win but I don't think it will be sustainable. There is no way you can keep that up and live a normal life.

I wish they spent more time showing the celebration after announcing the winner instead of dragging the show out by constantly repeating everything and cutting out as the confetti falls. It's a letdown that the show ends the minute they announce the winner just when the party is getting started.

It would have made for a more exciting show to have Jerry weigh in towards the end so different contestants could have been in the lead for the $100,000 prize. I'm sure the producers know who lost the most weight before they go live. I was surprised some of the bigger athletic guys didn't get close to Jerry's numbers. It was pretty amazing Jerry, the oldest player in Biggest Loser history (64), lost 177 pounds after being at the ranch such a short time. I hate to say it but I thought he looked a little sick and the loose arm skin flapping around was freaking me out a little but I was impressed he was able to beat out all those younger guys (Blaine, Dane, Sione, Filipe).

For the most part, I liked the contestants this season much more than last season's back stabbing, cut throat game players. I think this year's cast members were there for the right reasons, worked extremely hard, encouraged and supported each other and, hopefully, have changed their lives forever. I hope the contestants they pick for next season will be more like them, interested in losing weight and changing their lives more than the cash prize. Hey, was Amanda, the girl they picked for next season, wearing a pink shirt?

I love seeing people win the weight loss battle; it gives me hope I'll get there too.

Congrats to the Biggest Whiner, I mean Biggest Loser, Helen.

~~~~

Hey, Jillian Michaels, STOP SLOUCHING AND STAND UP STRAIGHT, WILL YA?!

Congratulations Michelle Aguilar!!

I'm so happy! We have another female Biggest Loser!!! Against the odds, good (Michelle) triumphed over evil (Vickie/Heba). Michelle pulled out the win from the remaining b*tchy, smack talkin' evil blue team.

I have to admit this was my least favorite season with all the b*tches and back stabbing going on *Vickie*. I'm glad Heba didn't make it to the final three and ecstatic that Ed and Vickie lost to Michelle. Although I have to admit they ALL looked great (although Heba needs a better bra and Vickie needs to learn to walk in heels). Michelle was so much more deserving of the win because she had the right attitude and didn't hurt anyone along the way to get there. It was nice to see karma in action. Chalk one up for the good guys.

I sincerely hope that all the contestants keep the weight off. We watched them work so hard to lose it and I know firsthand how easy it can creep back on if you are not diligent. I was looking at a site that showed some of the contestants from previous seasons and it was extremely depressing to see quite a few of them have gained back the weight they lost. Check out "where are they now." Even winners of prior seasons gained back virtually all of the weight back. They may have won the big money prize but they lost the war by regaining it all back. I know what it's like to watch the weight pile back on and it breaks my heart to see it happen to the contestants we got to know and love.

Stay strong Michelle!! You deserve this new life. Congratulations!

Amy, Amy, Amy ...

Amy, what have you done? I was so proud of you last week and then you go and do something really dumb. You gave Vicky new life when you had the power to send her home. What were you thinking? If it comes down to all blue in the end, you will be in fourth place. I'm so disappointed. Amy obviously doesn't realize that Vicky will vote her out the first chance she gets and Coleen would have been much less of a threat.

This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.

Biggest Bitches

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser and I don't think I've ever really HATED any contestant. Oh sure, there were whiners, cry babies and people I didn't particularly like but there was never such hatred for a contestant as I have this season. Even the year that guy drank gallons of water to throw a weigh-in didn't get me that upset. As bad and sleazy as that move was, he wasn't mean, he was just playing the game. Vicky and Heba are just nasty MEAN GIRLS.

I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.

I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).

The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.

I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.

My Hero

Ali Vincent is my hero! I always thought the Biggest Loser wasn't a fair game even though they calculated the percentage of weight loss instead of the number of pounds. We all know it is easier for guys to lose weight so it is no surprise that there had never been a female Biggest Loser ... until Ali. I was jumping out of my seat when Ali got on that scale because you could see that she knew she was a winner. Even before getting on the scale Ali said she already saw herself winning the title of Biggest Loser in her head, she pictured the confetti coming down and just knew that she was going to do it.

I know it sounds just like "The (BIG) Secret" everyone was talking about - if you believe it, it will happen. It does sound a bit new agey and hippy to say just keep thinking about your heart's desires and eventually they will come true but you can't just think about them, you have to take action to make these things happen.

Whether you want a new job, a dream house, a life partner, weight loss or whatever it is - you have to make the effort to work towards those goals. The dream job or person isn't going to come knockin' at your door and you are never going to lose weight if you keep beating yourself up and thinking deep down that you are a failure. If you think you will fail - you will. I need to think like a Big Loser, I need to accept my body the way it is (even if I don't particularly like it right now) and do the work that needs to be done to get me to where I want to be. I want to beam with happiness when I say "I did it" just like Ali did in the season finale.

I often see myself in many of the contestants of the Biggest Loser. Whether they are using their fat as a shield, stuffing their emotions down with food, using food to make them numb to the heartaches of life, and so other many complex mental issues every fat person has to deal with if they want to get rid of the fat. If you watch the show then you know the trainers always find out "why." Why did you gain weight?

I even had to vote for Mark to make it to the finals because I though Ali would have a better chance of beating him than she would if she went up against Roger. Roger had more to lose even though Mark is a fierce competitor (and bit of a cry baby). I guess there was no reason to worry about who Ali was going up against.

When Ali and Betty Sue got voted off early in the show and Ali said she was going to be the Biggest Loser you could see it in her eyes that she meant it, she believed it, she didn't say "I want to be" or "I think I can" she said I "WILL BE THE BIGGEST LOSER" and I think that makes all the difference. I need to stop saying I'm trying to lose weight or I want to lose weight and just keep telling myself that I can and I will.

I've known for a long time that my weight issues are in my head. I am determined to work on the mental stuff so I will lose this weight and finally get fit. After losing the last 50-60 pounds and regaining it all back I thought maybe I didn't do it right, maybe I didn't learn whatever lesson I needed to learn, maybe I need to keep a record of how I did it so I can get back to that place and not repeat the same mistakes again and maybe that is why I haven't been able to get into the losing mode.

I am done talking about it, I am done agonizing about it, I just need to shut up and do it. I believe I can finally figure this out and I will lose this weight once and for all.

I WILL!

Weighing In ... Finally!

Let's be honest - you have to admit you have a problem before you can fix it, right? I know I have a serious weight problem and as much as I want to fix it I just seem to be floundering around and yo-yoing between fat and not so fat. I've had issues with my weight since I heard the first "thunder thigh" comment when I was at a healthy weight around 25 years ago.

It is about time I come clean about my weight. Since I started blogging I've been reluctant to put the numbers out there because I'm so embarrassed I let my weight climb back up to an all time high. So many bloggers out there who are over 300 pounds or higher get down to this weight and feel amazing but when it is your highest weight it feels horrible. I don't want to be miserable every time I look in the mirror, I don't want to cry every morning because I can't fit into any of my clothes, I don't want to have clothes ranging in size from a 9 to 18, I don't want to go through the rest of my life struggling to get out of this fat suit.

I have so much respect and admiration for all of the contestants on shows like the Biggest Loser who get on a giant scale in front of the world in a sports bra and lycra shorts. I can hardly look at pictures of myself fully clothed. Pictures is the next step but for now, here's the facts:

Finally, without further delay, my current weight is . . .

226!

226 pounds is what I've been lugging around for the better part of the past year. I remember holding steady around 200 pounds after my last big loss and fighting desperately not go over that 200 pound mark. Obviously, I lost that battle. I've gotten as low as 145 in my adult life and felt pretty good there although the weight charts say I should be in the 130's for my height. I'm barely 5'4" so I don't have a lot of height to carry all the extra fat cells. I'd be happy to get under 150 and see how I feel. I've been at this high weight for too long; I'm determined to get it off permanently this time. I never want to see this number (or, gasp, higher) ever again.

I want to come here and be accountable for my food intake including any binges which I'm working very hard to control and, hopefully, eliminate from my life. I don't want this to become a blog of "this is what I ate today" but I'm going to come clean about the foods that were "off plan" and try to figure out why I'm binging. Again, it is all about figuring out why I'm fat.

I'm renewing my commitment to lose weight. I'm going to weigh in on Mondays to keep myself honest about how hard I'm working. I don't want to go back to getting on the scale multiple times of day because I learned that I don't need to stress over every 1 pound fluctuation. 2008 is the year I finally figure it out. It is time for me to get on the treadmill and start sweating off some of this fat.

I'm Worth It*

Bob, one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser, forced a member of his team, Patty, to admit she was worth it. Bob was in her face, telling her she could do it, she was a Mom, she was strong, she was worth it. He made her say it out loud, "I'm worth it." At first Patty whispered it quiet as a mouse like she didn't want anybody to hear her say it. She didn't believe it. He made her say it again, "I'm worth it." This time she said it with a little more conviction. Bob made her repeat it over and over again. Finally Patty yelled, "I'M WORTH IT" with tears streaming down her face. It was like a dam broke inside her. She admitted she was worth it although I'm not sure she truly believed what she was saying but she said it. I was crying too.

Just recently I wrote a post with the exact same words. I wrote about how I am my own worst critic. I'm always going out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy but I never give myself the same consideration. Maybe I should be talking to myself in the 3rd person. MB, "you are strong, you will do it this time, you will lose the weight, you will keep it off, you are a beautiful person no matter how much you weigh, you are worth it."

Whether I was thin or fat I've never been happy with myself. The more weight I gained the more unhappy I got. I would lose weight, sometimes a substantial amount, start to feel better, start to think I would make it, start to believe in myself and then . . . what . . . WTF happens then? Why haven't I been able to learn this lesson? I'm smarter than this - I just know it.

I've gotten so close to reaching my goals I could taste them (oh, they were soooo sweet). Shortly before reaching a magic number or fitting into those skinny jeans a spell would be cast over me. I would get out of control, I would binge my way back up the scale and back into my fat pants (and my fat pants would get bigger and bigger every time). Why did I always fall back into the bad habits, the binges, the caring but not caring about what I ate, the scale avoidance, the denial, the excuses?

After I climbed my way to another high point on the scale (or past that point but too afraid to get on the scale) it would take months, sometimes years, to get up the courage to try again. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I've never appreciated myself for just being me no matter what my weight. Yes, I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight and I will lose weight but until then I have to believe "I'm worth it" NOW no matter what the scale says. It doesn't matter whether it is 200, 300 or 400+ lbs, I'm worth the fight. I'm going to lose the weight, I'm going to be able to maintain the weight loss and I'm going to be a healthy person. Today is the youngest I'll be for the rest of my life. What am I waiting for. It is now or never. I'm not playing anymore. I'm not giving into the temptations. I'm not going to binge on chocolate, pizza, candy, bread, pasta, anything in excess anymore. I'm going to do it for myself just because "I'm worth it."

* Sorry for the somewhat repetitive post but I felt like Bob was talking to me tonight. I think it was a sign, a message from the ol' idiot box "hello, listen up, yeah, you, the girl crying over there, believe in yourself, you can do it, you're worth it." Thanks Bob.