Change is Good, Right?

So much has happened over the past few days that has my mind spinning, my thoughts jumbled and I'm not sure which direction I'm headed or where I'll end up.

I'm giddy with excitement, happy, sad, mad, hurt, insulted, anxious and scared all at the same time. It's no secret to anyone that I hate my job and have been looking to leave for a long time, especially after getting reassigned a year ago and being forced into a position I knew wasn't going to work out.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to get my thoughts together right now to explain everything that's happened so, for now, I'm just going to say things are changing and I think I'll finally be getting out soon. It may get worse before it gets better but I'm sure it will be worth it.

Stay tuned.

Who do you want to be?

Be yourself!

Just Do It!

Love yourself.



Happy Love Your Body Day!

Working Vacation (oxymoron?)

I'm back!! Oh, wait, you didn't even know I was gone, right? Sorry, I was so anxious to get out of the city I forgot to publish the post telling you all that I was heading to Vermont last week so we could work on enclosing the addition on our camp.

We got most of the standing seam metal roof on (we were 5 panels short so they're on order), got the power pole moved, put in the last two windows and enclosed the remaining walls. It was really hard, backbreaking work but it was better than being in the office. B did most of the roofing by himself because I was too chicken to get up on the back side of the roof. It was way too high for this klutz but I did lots of ground work and my muscles are aching.

It looks like this is the week we should have taken off to work up there. We woke up to about 3 inches of snow on Tuesday which would normally make us very happy but since we had an open roof it wasn't what we wanted to see. Of course, the temps are supposed to be in the 60s this week which would have been much better for working outside instead of shoveling snow off the open roof.

Our friend, Sam, came up to visit for a few days so we took a break on Wednesday (her birthday) and went to Danville to do the corn maze and get some maple peanut butter (mmmm...). The only other time off was two hours on Saturday when we took a ride on the ATVs. It was our first and only ride on the season since hunting season started and the trails will be closed once we get back up there in two weeks.

It wasn't the best vacation and I certainly didn't get to relax much but we got allot accomplished. My head started hurting yesterday afternoon just thinking about going back to work. I'm dreading going back to the office today but I don't have any other options since none of my lottery tickets were big winners.

So, what did I miss? What's going on with you? I have over 700 items in my feed reader so it will take me a while to catch up. Hope you are enjoying the change in seasons and I'll do my best to get caught up on what's going on out there.

UUGHHH ... back to work.

Go Ahead - Make My Day

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There is one surefire way to make a 40+ year old woman feel good - card her. B and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a volcano bowl to share (mmm...volcano bowl). After the waiter took our order he walked away and returned a minute later to ask for my ID. I could have kissed him. I said "me?" "really?" "how old do you think I am?" "THANK YOU!"

Before I hit legal drinking age many moons ago, I used to pray I wouldn't get carded but when it happens now it makes my day. I think one of the only positive things about being overweight is that it plumps out the wrinkles and makes you look younger. I'd gladly trade 80+- pounds for a few wrinkles though.

*Updated to add photo of Volcano Bowl for those who said they've never seen/heard of them.

STRESSED OUT!

I am so STRESSED OUT! Yeah, I know, nothing new here, right? I don't think I can handle it much longer without medicinal intervention.

My days at my current job are definitely numbered. Now if I could only find a new job so I could begin the countdown. Damn crumbling economy, when is the job market going to turn around?

I go to the office every day thinking "will today be the day I run screaming from this place?" I once worked with a girl who wasn't nearly as stressed out as I am these days who ran out of the office screaming "F*CK YOU! F*CK ALL OF YOU!" and was never to be seen again. I wish I had the balls and the padded bank account to do that. She is my hero.

The worst part about being so miserable at work is I've been trying to numb myself in the afternoon by inhaling chocolate and caffeine. It's not good. Maybe it's time to see a doctor about getting some pills to chew on instead of chocolate. I think there is a reason why STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards. Why can't an apple or banana make me feel as good as a chocolate bar?

Any suggestions on how I can make it through 40 hours a week in a miserable position and resist the urge to stuff my face or stab my boss?

Is it Friday yet?

Out of Control

I feel so out of control and unable to get a handle on my weight, well, I can get ahold of some serious love handles but that is the problem. I've been trying to work through all the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for most of my life, trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, why I need to stuff down my emotions with food instead of feeling them, why the food seems to be more important than my desire to lose weight. I'm wondering if I will ever really figure it out.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight and not making any progress. I'm beat down by the compulsive eating and binge episodes and the despondency I feel after I do it. I'm sick of not being able to wear 90% of the clothes in my closet. I'm desperate to change my life and feel good about myself again. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and have been living at rock bottom for years now.

I can't take it anymore. It's time to pull myself up, stop making excuses, stop stuffing my emotions with food and start making changes. It's obvious I need to change my ways if I want to get this weight off. The only good thing about being at rock bottom is there is nowhere to go but up.

Biggest Loser - Season 8

I have to admit I have a love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. I've watched every season and will continue to watch it but there are so many things that really annoy me about the show. Here are just a few reasons why I hate it:

1. It's Dangerous. When people have to be med-flighted out of the first physical challenge because they collapse from exhaustion and dehydration, they are obviously working out way beyond their physical capacity. Some of these people probably haven't walked around the block in years but they are supposed to run a mile in the heat on their first day? I'm just waiting for them to seriously injure or kill someone the first day. It is scary.

2. The Big Sell Out. Do they really need the revenue from ALL the Product Placements? Brita water bottles, Wrigley's gum, Protein Powder, etc. etc. The show is extremely popular so I don't think they really need to pimp themselves out with all the product placements. Oh, don't even get me started on the fact that Jillian is hocking diet pills.

3. Repeating/Repeating. I realize Americans have a short attention span but is it really necessary to repeat what we just saw 3 minutes ago before the commercials? This is the biggest reason why I'd rather record the show instead of watching it live.

4. Abuse. I can't deny they get results but I don't think I would ever pay a trainer to get in my face and scream and swear at me. Jillian scares me. I know it is done for the shock value and makes for good tv but I don't find it to be motivating, I think it's mean.

5. Rapid Weight Loss. Every weight loss article and doctor recommends losing 2 pounds per week and these people are losing 5,8,10,28 pounds in ONE WEEK. That just doesn't seem right, does it? It breaks my heart to see people being disappointed and voted off for losing 13 pounds in a week. How is 13 pounds not enough to lose in a week? I know I would be thrilled to lose 13 pounds in a month.

6. Tears. It makes me cry like a baby. I know I am super sensitive but I was balling my eyes out from the first 3 minutes until the previews.

There are other things that irk me about the show but I think these are the biggest ones. Even though I have a long list of things I don't like, I love watching it and don't think I've ever missed an episode. The reasons why I overlook all of the above:

1. I can relate. I see a piece of myself in almost every one of the contestants. I may not weigh as much or have the health issues they have but there is always something I can relate to.

2. Inspiration. I get inspired to get off the couch and work out. If these people can work out for hours and pour buckets of sweat, I can get on the treadmill for an hour, right? If someone who weighs 100 pounds more than me can push themselves to do it, so can I.

3. Changes. I love seeing these people change their lives. It takes a few episodes but eventually we get to see the moment when these people "get it." They flick the switch and accept that they have to change their lives if they want to lose weight and get healthy.

4. I LOVE BOB! I still don't know what team he plays for but he is HOT!

5. Live Blogging. The only good thing about watching the show live instead of recording it is being able to participate in Fat Bridesmaid's live blog. It's so much fun to watch the show with my blogger friends.

The best thing about this show is that it encourages me to kick up my own weight loss efforts and I can use all the encouragement I can get.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

UPDATE: Check it out, Hilly asked me to republish this post on Snackie TeeVee. How cool is that? I feel honored. Thanks Hilly.

Begging for Change

People who want to lose weight know they need to change the habits that made them fat. Change is hard and change is scary but it is inevitable. Everything changes. Change is good and we should stop trying to fight it.

We can't keep doing the same things, getting unsatisfactory long term results and repeating the process over and over. That's not change, that's going in circles. Most people who are successful in losing weight stop eating crappy chemical laden foods, watch less tv, eat real healthy fruits, vegetables and protein, and move their bodies regularly until they work up a good sweat and they commit to a different healthier lifestyle. If they are successful they change their bad habits with good and they change their lives.


This post is really about a different kind of change unrelated to weight loss but it shows that no matter how much we crave change and even beg for it but we have to be willing to accept it.



I was walking down the street during my lunch hour in downtown Boston last week when I noticed a nickel on the ground. I pick it up since in these tough financial times, every little bit helps, right? Before I put the found money in my pocket I notice a "homeless" guy I see all the time in the same spot standing there with his cup jingling. I've seen this guy for years and he has never been very nice whether I give him money or not but whatever. I drop the nickel in his cup with a smile and walked past only to hear a coin drop in front of me. I turned to my friend and asked "did that guy just throw the nickel at me?" WTF! Really? Was it not enough? Does he only accept quarters or dollars? Was he offended I picked it up and didn't add to it before giving it to him? I guess since he doesn't pay taxes he can afford to throw money away.



I think this experience just goes to prove that even if we are out there begging for change we have to be able to accept it when it is given to us.

Never Forget

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since the life of Americans changed forever. We will never forget that day.

Manual Labor Day

Every muscle in my body aches and I didn't even hit the gym this weekend. We've been building an addition on our camp and spent the entire weekend raising the roof. I went up and down and up and down the ladder so many times my legs were shaking by the end of each day. My shoulder is throbbing and I can barely make a fist with my right hand because it's numb from using the framing nail gun, that thing is heavy.

As much as I hate my office job I know I'm not cut out for construction work. There's a reason it's called MANual labor. I don't know if it was the country air or pure exhaustion that made me sleep so well but I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Bill was dancing all over the roof without anything to hold on to while I was moving like a snail afraid of falling with every single step. We got the roof raised and will hopefully get it enclosed and protected from the elements the next time we're up there.

It was so nice to have a three day weekend up north although I wish I got some time to relax. Between Bill being sick and in the hospital all last summer and building the addition this summer it seems like we haven't had any time to play. I really need to get some play time.

The weather was so beautiful and we were able to get allot accomplished so it was a very productive weekend. Hiking up and down the ladder onto the roof is a better workout than any stair machine I've ever been on. I didn't get any traditional workouts in over the weekend but I can definitely feel the burn. Time to find my muscle relaxers.

One is Never Enough

I'm a prime example of that potato chip commercial that says "I bet you can't have just one." I don't have an off switch and can never stop at one of anything. Those of us that suffer with a compulsive binge eating disorder there is no such thing as "just one." No matter how much I try to convince myself I will only have one or a single serving, I just can't stop myself from going back for more and more until I'm sick to my stomach.


Don't ever wait ten minutes to ask me for a lifesaver out of a pack I just bought because they will probably be gone by then so I don't buy them anymore. I inevitably end up eating one after another. Some people use gum as a trick to keep from eating but I will chew piece after piece until the entire package is gone. I'll start out by portioning out a handful of crackers or other snack but will keep going back for handful after handful until I've emptied the box.


The only way to stop this compulsive eating is to not start in the first place. Once I start eating I don't know how to shut it off even if I feel full and my stomach hurts. It is in my head and I'm not sure how to shut it off to stop it. The times I have been successful with weight loss have been when I completely avoid those simple carbs that never seem to fill me up no matter how much I eat. I think the simple carbs are a trigger for me to just keep eating more and more and never feel like it is enough.

This mentality is the reason I can't keep snack foods in my house. I can't handle the temptation and I can never have just one. I need to learn how to control this compulsive eating because no amount of time sweating on the treadmill will make up for the out of control binges.

Original South Beach Diet

My brother likes to say there is only ONE diet that always works. It's the Original South Beach Diet: vodka, cocaine and cigarettes. It's extremely effective but can only be used by the young and stupid and I am neither.

I still enjoy a little Stoli, Grey Goose, Kettle One or Absolut now and then but I haven't touched blow since sometime in the mid-80s and I kicked the cigarette habit around the same time back when they cost $1.25/pack.

I'll admit it's tempting because you definitely get results quick and it's so easy to do because when you're drunk or strung out on nose candy you don't even think of food and we all know that cigarettes kill your taste buds but I think I'll keep trying the old fashion tricks of eating healthy foods and moving my a$$.

Things were so much easier when I was young and stupid. What's the worst effective diet you've tried?

No More Cake!

So many birthdays, so much cake. Is it really necessary to eat cake to enjoy the celebration? Isn't it enough that I bring a card and a gift? Just because I refuse the cake doesn't mean I'm not celebrating your birthday. Why does everyone push the cake like crack when you work up the strength to say "no thank you"? Saying "No" is hard enough without you trying to change my mind and convince me that I must have a slice. Yes, I'm sure I don't want any. No, not even a little piece. Really, I'm sure.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always give in to the cake pushers. Honestly, I don't want any more cake, I don't need any more cake, I'm trying to get years worth of cake off my a$$. Please stop pushing the cake. Please!

How bad do you want it?

I ask myself this question every single day. If losing weight is so important to me, why do I keep screwing it up?

I spend every day trying to make the right choices and doing what I have to do to get this weight off but after a long stressful day at the office my defenses are down and I end up stuffing my face with foods that are NOT on my healthy eating plan. Maybe I should start going to sleep as soon as I get home from work. Either that or have my jaw wired shut after dinner.

This has got to stop. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Any suggestions on how to stop acting like a spoiled child and start acting like I really want to lose weight? I really really want it BAD!

Hear Me Roar

If you are not one of Jack Sh*t's 307 followers you don't know what you're missing. Jack usually posts lighthearted crazy lists, rhyming posts and fart jokes but when he comes up with something serious it just blows me away.

His post today was brilliant. You can read it all here. What really made me think was when Jack asked:

"Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the case...you’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.

There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life. This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.

It’s time for you to roar."

WOW! What a powerful post, huh? My roar sounds like a meow but I'm working on it. I will ROOOAAAARRRR!

Time for me to get my Sh*t together. Thanks Jack!

More to Love

This show should change its name to "More to Hate." Most of the women on the show are just setting themselves up for ridicule and pain. It was painful to watch the looks of despair and desperation on their faces while they were waiting to see if they got their ring back.

I don't know why I tortured myself by watching it again. This show is NOT about "real" women; it's more about women who have no self esteem who want to pin their hopes on some cheesy sleazy guy just because he doesn't have a problem with the size of their a$$. UGGHH!

I guess it's only fair to tell you that I hate all these type of shows. I don't know how anyone can think they're in love after just meeting someone in this kind of set up and then fighting dozens of others for their affection. I'm sure it's great for the ego of the one person who gets to do the choosing but I'm afraid of what it's going to do to these already fragile women. If this were a show about real people they would have woman of ALL sizes and wouldn't focus all the attention on weight and food.

I don't think I can force myself to watch another episode of this show or my head may just explode. No more "More to Love" for me.

Working for the Weekend

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It is no secret I absolutely HATE my job. I despise 98% of the lawyers in my office and feel physically ill walking in the doors every work day. I know it's not healthy and if I didn't desperately need the paycheck I would have quit a long time ago. I've been sending resumes, going on interviews and praying I can find another job so I can get out of there before I lose my mind but this economic crisis is making it almost impossible for me to leave.

I try to psych myself up everyday telling myself "don't let them get to you," "only "x" more hours to go," "it's not personal, they are a$$holes to everyone," "let the rude and obnoxious comments roll off," and "rise above it all" but it is physically and mentally draining to have to do this over 40 hours every week.

I'm so happy it's FRIDAY! Only 9 hours to go ....

* My apologies to the few good/honest/considerate/normal lawyers out there (all 3 of you).

Remember

Tragic Loss

Here in the world of weight loss blogging we do allot of navel gazing. We agonize over our fat and how desperately we want to get rid of it, we struggle, we work hard, we encourage each other and we spend so much of time fretting over what the scale will tell us. Did we eat enough fruits and vegetables? Did we refrain from eating sugary treats and fattening stuff? Did we workout hard enough and long enough?

Some fellow bloggers feel like family even though we've never met in real life. These are the people who cheer for our successes and encourage us to keep trying when we slip up. We feel like we really know them because they let us into their lives through their blogs. Some of us inspire (not me) and some of us get inspired by the successes of the weight loss rock stars.

We spend years of our lives worrying over our weight when it really isn't important at all in the big scheme of things. Of course we need to take care of ourselves but it is more important to live our lives RIGHT NOW, not after we lose "X" amount of pounds.

I've spent all morning crying over the tragic death of Kimberly Emmert, a woman I never met. Kimberly is Jen's mother who was struck and killed by a man backing out of a driveway as she was walking her grandson yesterday afternoon. I imagine she walked this walk many times and yesterday was just another day out walking until tragedy struck and she was gone.

Jen has been an inspiration to me and I loved reading her Mom's comments on her blog. Her Mom was always encouraging and supportive of her and it was a joy to have a peak into a healthy mother-daughter relationship. It is something I wish I had.

Today is the day Jen was hoping to hit the 100 pound loss goal she set for herself two years ago.

Do you think Jen even gave a second thought to what the scale said today? I have a feeling she would gladly take back all the weight she worked so hard to lose if she could have her mother back.

Life is too short to waste time stressing over our weight. Yes, we should eat healthy, exercise regularly and do whatever we can to live a long and healthy life so we can be with our family and friends. We don't know how long we have and we need to cherish every moment. Don't waste another minute of your life.

Live your life to the fullest RIGHT NOW and be sure to tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. You never know when they will be taken from you or you taken from them.

My heart is breaking for Jen and her family. I will be keeping them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope they are able to keep Kimberly alive in their hearts with their happy memories.