Out of Control

I feel so out of control and unable to get a handle on my weight, well, I can get ahold of some serious love handles but that is the problem. I've been trying to work through all the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for most of my life, trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, why I need to stuff down my emotions with food instead of feeling them, why the food seems to be more important than my desire to lose weight. I'm wondering if I will ever really figure it out.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight and not making any progress. I'm beat down by the compulsive eating and binge episodes and the despondency I feel after I do it. I'm sick of not being able to wear 90% of the clothes in my closet. I'm desperate to change my life and feel good about myself again. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and have been living at rock bottom for years now.

I can't take it anymore. It's time to pull myself up, stop making excuses, stop stuffing my emotions with food and start making changes. It's obvious I need to change my ways if I want to get this weight off. The only good thing about being at rock bottom is there is nowhere to go but up.

Biggest Loser - Season 8

I have to admit I have a love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. I've watched every season and will continue to watch it but there are so many things that really annoy me about the show. Here are just a few reasons why I hate it:

1. It's Dangerous. When people have to be med-flighted out of the first physical challenge because they collapse from exhaustion and dehydration, they are obviously working out way beyond their physical capacity. Some of these people probably haven't walked around the block in years but they are supposed to run a mile in the heat on their first day? I'm just waiting for them to seriously injure or kill someone the first day. It is scary.

2. The Big Sell Out. Do they really need the revenue from ALL the Product Placements? Brita water bottles, Wrigley's gum, Protein Powder, etc. etc. The show is extremely popular so I don't think they really need to pimp themselves out with all the product placements. Oh, don't even get me started on the fact that Jillian is hocking diet pills.

3. Repeating/Repeating. I realize Americans have a short attention span but is it really necessary to repeat what we just saw 3 minutes ago before the commercials? This is the biggest reason why I'd rather record the show instead of watching it live.

4. Abuse. I can't deny they get results but I don't think I would ever pay a trainer to get in my face and scream and swear at me. Jillian scares me. I know it is done for the shock value and makes for good tv but I don't find it to be motivating, I think it's mean.

5. Rapid Weight Loss. Every weight loss article and doctor recommends losing 2 pounds per week and these people are losing 5,8,10,28 pounds in ONE WEEK. That just doesn't seem right, does it? It breaks my heart to see people being disappointed and voted off for losing 13 pounds in a week. How is 13 pounds not enough to lose in a week? I know I would be thrilled to lose 13 pounds in a month.

6. Tears. It makes me cry like a baby. I know I am super sensitive but I was balling my eyes out from the first 3 minutes until the previews.

There are other things that irk me about the show but I think these are the biggest ones. Even though I have a long list of things I don't like, I love watching it and don't think I've ever missed an episode. The reasons why I overlook all of the above:

1. I can relate. I see a piece of myself in almost every one of the contestants. I may not weigh as much or have the health issues they have but there is always something I can relate to.

2. Inspiration. I get inspired to get off the couch and work out. If these people can work out for hours and pour buckets of sweat, I can get on the treadmill for an hour, right? If someone who weighs 100 pounds more than me can push themselves to do it, so can I.

3. Changes. I love seeing these people change their lives. It takes a few episodes but eventually we get to see the moment when these people "get it." They flick the switch and accept that they have to change their lives if they want to lose weight and get healthy.

4. I LOVE BOB! I still don't know what team he plays for but he is HOT!

5. Live Blogging. The only good thing about watching the show live instead of recording it is being able to participate in Fat Bridesmaid's live blog. It's so much fun to watch the show with my blogger friends.

The best thing about this show is that it encourages me to kick up my own weight loss efforts and I can use all the encouragement I can get.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

UPDATE: Check it out, Hilly asked me to republish this post on Snackie TeeVee. How cool is that? I feel honored. Thanks Hilly.

Begging for Change

People who want to lose weight know they need to change the habits that made them fat. Change is hard and change is scary but it is inevitable. Everything changes. Change is good and we should stop trying to fight it.

We can't keep doing the same things, getting unsatisfactory long term results and repeating the process over and over. That's not change, that's going in circles. Most people who are successful in losing weight stop eating crappy chemical laden foods, watch less tv, eat real healthy fruits, vegetables and protein, and move their bodies regularly until they work up a good sweat and they commit to a different healthier lifestyle. If they are successful they change their bad habits with good and they change their lives.


This post is really about a different kind of change unrelated to weight loss but it shows that no matter how much we crave change and even beg for it but we have to be willing to accept it.



I was walking down the street during my lunch hour in downtown Boston last week when I noticed a nickel on the ground. I pick it up since in these tough financial times, every little bit helps, right? Before I put the found money in my pocket I notice a "homeless" guy I see all the time in the same spot standing there with his cup jingling. I've seen this guy for years and he has never been very nice whether I give him money or not but whatever. I drop the nickel in his cup with a smile and walked past only to hear a coin drop in front of me. I turned to my friend and asked "did that guy just throw the nickel at me?" WTF! Really? Was it not enough? Does he only accept quarters or dollars? Was he offended I picked it up and didn't add to it before giving it to him? I guess since he doesn't pay taxes he can afford to throw money away.



I think this experience just goes to prove that even if we are out there begging for change we have to be able to accept it when it is given to us.

Never Forget

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since the life of Americans changed forever. We will never forget that day.

Manual Labor Day

Every muscle in my body aches and I didn't even hit the gym this weekend. We've been building an addition on our camp and spent the entire weekend raising the roof. I went up and down and up and down the ladder so many times my legs were shaking by the end of each day. My shoulder is throbbing and I can barely make a fist with my right hand because it's numb from using the framing nail gun, that thing is heavy.

As much as I hate my office job I know I'm not cut out for construction work. There's a reason it's called MANual labor. I don't know if it was the country air or pure exhaustion that made me sleep so well but I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Bill was dancing all over the roof without anything to hold on to while I was moving like a snail afraid of falling with every single step. We got the roof raised and will hopefully get it enclosed and protected from the elements the next time we're up there.

It was so nice to have a three day weekend up north although I wish I got some time to relax. Between Bill being sick and in the hospital all last summer and building the addition this summer it seems like we haven't had any time to play. I really need to get some play time.

The weather was so beautiful and we were able to get allot accomplished so it was a very productive weekend. Hiking up and down the ladder onto the roof is a better workout than any stair machine I've ever been on. I didn't get any traditional workouts in over the weekend but I can definitely feel the burn. Time to find my muscle relaxers.

One is Never Enough

I'm a prime example of that potato chip commercial that says "I bet you can't have just one." I don't have an off switch and can never stop at one of anything. Those of us that suffer with a compulsive binge eating disorder there is no such thing as "just one." No matter how much I try to convince myself I will only have one or a single serving, I just can't stop myself from going back for more and more until I'm sick to my stomach.


Don't ever wait ten minutes to ask me for a lifesaver out of a pack I just bought because they will probably be gone by then so I don't buy them anymore. I inevitably end up eating one after another. Some people use gum as a trick to keep from eating but I will chew piece after piece until the entire package is gone. I'll start out by portioning out a handful of crackers or other snack but will keep going back for handful after handful until I've emptied the box.


The only way to stop this compulsive eating is to not start in the first place. Once I start eating I don't know how to shut it off even if I feel full and my stomach hurts. It is in my head and I'm not sure how to shut it off to stop it. The times I have been successful with weight loss have been when I completely avoid those simple carbs that never seem to fill me up no matter how much I eat. I think the simple carbs are a trigger for me to just keep eating more and more and never feel like it is enough.

This mentality is the reason I can't keep snack foods in my house. I can't handle the temptation and I can never have just one. I need to learn how to control this compulsive eating because no amount of time sweating on the treadmill will make up for the out of control binges.

Original South Beach Diet

My brother likes to say there is only ONE diet that always works. It's the Original South Beach Diet: vodka, cocaine and cigarettes. It's extremely effective but can only be used by the young and stupid and I am neither.

I still enjoy a little Stoli, Grey Goose, Kettle One or Absolut now and then but I haven't touched blow since sometime in the mid-80s and I kicked the cigarette habit around the same time back when they cost $1.25/pack.

I'll admit it's tempting because you definitely get results quick and it's so easy to do because when you're drunk or strung out on nose candy you don't even think of food and we all know that cigarettes kill your taste buds but I think I'll keep trying the old fashion tricks of eating healthy foods and moving my a$$.

Things were so much easier when I was young and stupid. What's the worst effective diet you've tried?

No More Cake!

So many birthdays, so much cake. Is it really necessary to eat cake to enjoy the celebration? Isn't it enough that I bring a card and a gift? Just because I refuse the cake doesn't mean I'm not celebrating your birthday. Why does everyone push the cake like crack when you work up the strength to say "no thank you"? Saying "No" is hard enough without you trying to change my mind and convince me that I must have a slice. Yes, I'm sure I don't want any. No, not even a little piece. Really, I'm sure.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always give in to the cake pushers. Honestly, I don't want any more cake, I don't need any more cake, I'm trying to get years worth of cake off my a$$. Please stop pushing the cake. Please!

How bad do you want it?

I ask myself this question every single day. If losing weight is so important to me, why do I keep screwing it up?

I spend every day trying to make the right choices and doing what I have to do to get this weight off but after a long stressful day at the office my defenses are down and I end up stuffing my face with foods that are NOT on my healthy eating plan. Maybe I should start going to sleep as soon as I get home from work. Either that or have my jaw wired shut after dinner.

This has got to stop. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Any suggestions on how to stop acting like a spoiled child and start acting like I really want to lose weight? I really really want it BAD!

Hear Me Roar

If you are not one of Jack Sh*t's 307 followers you don't know what you're missing. Jack usually posts lighthearted crazy lists, rhyming posts and fart jokes but when he comes up with something serious it just blows me away.

His post today was brilliant. You can read it all here. What really made me think was when Jack asked:

"Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the case...you’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.

There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life. This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.

It’s time for you to roar."

WOW! What a powerful post, huh? My roar sounds like a meow but I'm working on it. I will ROOOAAAARRRR!

Time for me to get my Sh*t together. Thanks Jack!

More to Love

This show should change its name to "More to Hate." Most of the women on the show are just setting themselves up for ridicule and pain. It was painful to watch the looks of despair and desperation on their faces while they were waiting to see if they got their ring back.

I don't know why I tortured myself by watching it again. This show is NOT about "real" women; it's more about women who have no self esteem who want to pin their hopes on some cheesy sleazy guy just because he doesn't have a problem with the size of their a$$. UGGHH!

I guess it's only fair to tell you that I hate all these type of shows. I don't know how anyone can think they're in love after just meeting someone in this kind of set up and then fighting dozens of others for their affection. I'm sure it's great for the ego of the one person who gets to do the choosing but I'm afraid of what it's going to do to these already fragile women. If this were a show about real people they would have woman of ALL sizes and wouldn't focus all the attention on weight and food.

I don't think I can force myself to watch another episode of this show or my head may just explode. No more "More to Love" for me.

Working for the Weekend

*

It is no secret I absolutely HATE my job. I despise 98% of the lawyers in my office and feel physically ill walking in the doors every work day. I know it's not healthy and if I didn't desperately need the paycheck I would have quit a long time ago. I've been sending resumes, going on interviews and praying I can find another job so I can get out of there before I lose my mind but this economic crisis is making it almost impossible for me to leave.

I try to psych myself up everyday telling myself "don't let them get to you," "only "x" more hours to go," "it's not personal, they are a$$holes to everyone," "let the rude and obnoxious comments roll off," and "rise above it all" but it is physically and mentally draining to have to do this over 40 hours every week.

I'm so happy it's FRIDAY! Only 9 hours to go ....

* My apologies to the few good/honest/considerate/normal lawyers out there (all 3 of you).

Remember

Tragic Loss

Here in the world of weight loss blogging we do allot of navel gazing. We agonize over our fat and how desperately we want to get rid of it, we struggle, we work hard, we encourage each other and we spend so much of time fretting over what the scale will tell us. Did we eat enough fruits and vegetables? Did we refrain from eating sugary treats and fattening stuff? Did we workout hard enough and long enough?

Some fellow bloggers feel like family even though we've never met in real life. These are the people who cheer for our successes and encourage us to keep trying when we slip up. We feel like we really know them because they let us into their lives through their blogs. Some of us inspire (not me) and some of us get inspired by the successes of the weight loss rock stars.

We spend years of our lives worrying over our weight when it really isn't important at all in the big scheme of things. Of course we need to take care of ourselves but it is more important to live our lives RIGHT NOW, not after we lose "X" amount of pounds.

I've spent all morning crying over the tragic death of Kimberly Emmert, a woman I never met. Kimberly is Jen's mother who was struck and killed by a man backing out of a driveway as she was walking her grandson yesterday afternoon. I imagine she walked this walk many times and yesterday was just another day out walking until tragedy struck and she was gone.

Jen has been an inspiration to me and I loved reading her Mom's comments on her blog. Her Mom was always encouraging and supportive of her and it was a joy to have a peak into a healthy mother-daughter relationship. It is something I wish I had.

Today is the day Jen was hoping to hit the 100 pound loss goal she set for herself two years ago.

Do you think Jen even gave a second thought to what the scale said today? I have a feeling she would gladly take back all the weight she worked so hard to lose if she could have her mother back.

Life is too short to waste time stressing over our weight. Yes, we should eat healthy, exercise regularly and do whatever we can to live a long and healthy life so we can be with our family and friends. We don't know how long we have and we need to cherish every moment. Don't waste another minute of your life.

Live your life to the fullest RIGHT NOW and be sure to tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. You never know when they will be taken from you or you taken from them.

My heart is breaking for Jen and her family. I will be keeping them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope they are able to keep Kimberly alive in their hearts with their happy memories.

I'm Back

I made it back to the wagon with a little help and encouragement from all of you. I was determined to prove I can turn things around and not let a few slip ups set me up for a free fall down the rabbit hole of bingeing and having to suffer a big gain. I think I've got things under control now. We'll see how long it lasts.

I resisted the muffins/pastries/croissants/bagels and stuck with the fruit for breakfast, had a healthy lunch and relatively healthy dinner and did not give in to the urge to snack and binge. I feel better now that the high concentration of sugar flowing through me has been diluted by fruits, veggies and chicken.

It's good to be back. Thanks for all the support. You guys are the BEST!

Slippery Slope

It seems that one bad decision tends to lead me down the wrong path every time and I need to find my way back on the weight loss wagon. Ever since "the birthday cake" I have been eating more than I should and even bought and binged on chocolate covered pretzels (a trigger food for me) the other day.

Enough is enough. I'm clawing my way back. I will not give in to the muffin's siren call today, I will stick to the fruit, eat a healthy salad for lunch, go shopping for healthy dinner stuff and get back on the wagon.

Sometimes it isn't just that one piece of cake or one slip up but what you do after that that really matters.

Let Them Eat Cake

UGGHH!! I ate way too much birthday cake ....

My birthday was weeks ago and I got through it without having any cake but I certainly made up for it this weekend. My SIL made a delicious white cake with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles for me last night so, of course, I had to eat it. It was really good but I wish I didn't eat it. I definitely have eater's remorse.

I wish I had been strong enough to turn it down but I'm not (yet). Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be seeing a loss this week. Looks like nothing new going on here.

MMMMmmmmm ... cake ... mmmmmmm .....

I Want It NOW!

I'm so sick and tired of it all. I want to throw my scale out the window and watch it smash into a a thousand little pieces. I'm frustrated that one slip up in my diet negates a week's worth of hard work. If being fat is so unhealthy, why do our bodies fight so hard to keep it?

I want to eat what I want in reasonable portions. I want to stop the binge monster that forces food down my throat until I feel sick. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be able to wear all the clothes that are bursting out of my closet. I want to stop the crazy thoughts in my head. I don't want to fight this fight every waking moment of every single day. I want to stop whining about my weight and get it under control already.

WHAAAAAA! I sound like the spoiled brat, Veruca. I want it and I want it NOW!

Thanks for coming to my pity party. Hopefully I'll have something positive to post soon.

To Binge or Not to Binge?

It's a stupid question and the answer is obvious, right? "NOT" is the answer, right?

It's logical that I gain weight when I stuff myself full of crappy food but shouldn't the flip side of that be that I lose weight when I don't binge?

For the past couple of years my weight has basically stayed the same whether I'm eating healthy and working out or sitting on the couch stuffing my face with crap. How is that possible? This body of mine is just so f'd up from years of abuse I don't think it knows what to do anymore.

I lost 5-6 pounds last week when I was home sick on vacation but they jumped right back on this week even though I resisted the cake, ice cream, muffins and other calorie bombs launched around the office.

I think I may have figured out what is making me fat .... work! Does anyone have a cure for that?

Two Faced Man in the Mirror

Why do we wait until people are dead to appreciate them?

I've been home on sickcation all week so I've been watching way more tv than usual. I'm shocked at the non-stop media coverage over Michael Jackson's death. Not because the King of Pop doesn't deserve to be recognized for his talent but because 98% of these celebrities and media people who are crying their hearts out over his death are the same people that were calling him wacko jacko and slinging his name through the mud for the past four years.

In my heart I never believed MJ was guilty of hurting those kids. He seemed like such a kid himself who was never allowed to be a child or have a normal life. I grew up listening and dancing to his music. I thought he was a brilliant performer and a very good looking guy until he went too far with the (obvious) plastic surgery. I think he loved Diana Ross so much he wanted to look just like her. I don't think he ever liked what he saw in the mirror and kept trying to change the face that looked back at him.

Does anyone remember who his accusers were and how much money they got? I honestly believe he was framed by some greedy people who knew how deep his pockets were and how easy it would be to suck the money of out them. We forget that people are innocent until proven guilty. He was never convicted but he was ridiculed and exiled for years.

I think we should appreciate and honor people while they are alive. Don't wait 'til they're dead and gone to show your love.

I’m Starting With The [Wo]Man In The Mirror
I’m Asking Him [Her] To Change His [Her] Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make A Change

RIP MJ!