What are we waiting for?

Hey Strangers -

Long time no blog. Yes, I'm alive! I've missed you! Luckily, I've been able to keep up with things going on in your world thanks to a smart phone, a long(er) commute and Google Reader (please tell me what I should use for a reader now-I'm clueless).

Today is July 1st, my birthday month, and I can't help thinking about how different I felt just 2 year ago and how I really need to get my groove back. Two years ago I was closing in on 101 pounds lost and felt amazing. I was in the best shape of my life when I reached my goal in September that year only to climb right back up the scale like the statistics said I would. I'm trying to look on the bright side - I'm still better off than I was 6 years ago at my heaviest but that's not very comforting. What am I waiting for? I'm certainly not getting any younger.

You can't imagine the things I've been through these past months. I don't even know where to start without boring you to tears with all the gory details. I'll just give you some highlights or, in most cases, the lowlights, to catch you up on the major happenings.

 

• I'm a Bostonian. I work two blocks away from the finish line where they set up the medical tent. I was supposed to work that Monday but (thank God!) I was nowhere near the chaos and carnage that happened that day. I think He knows I couldn't handle it because I wasn't in the city on 9/11 either. I wasn't at the Marathon and I didn't know any of the victims personally (lots of friends of friends) but I was still devastated by what happened. I just can't comprehend all the hatred in the world and it makes me want to run away (to where? I don't know). Our city was in lock down and it was scary having something so horrific happen here.
• I was forced to move from the apartment I've lived in for over 25+ years by a family member who returned from out of the country to cause havoc and take advantage of people's generous nature. I call those generous people "enablers" and I just couldn't stay and be a witness to it. Home is supposed to be a place we feel safe, a place we can relax and unwind but that became impossible to do. When someone is in your house screaming, slamming doors and disturbing that peace there is no way to avoid hearing it and getting involved in the drama. It was intolerable and, as much as I didn't want to move, I had to get away from the toxic environment. 
• We bought a house! I still believe everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to see how being forced out of my apartment brought me to a better place. We closed in March and spent months renovating. We worked our full time jobs and then worked at the house every night and every weekend until we were able to start sleeping here in June. There are still lots of renovating to do and we still have a ton of stuff to pack and move out of our 3rd floor walk-up but we are away from the drama and that is a good thing. I even thought about doing a "What's Blooming?" post like Lori when I saw my tulips, daffodils and lilacs come up in the spring.
• The same weekend I started sleeping in the new house was the weekend they moved my desk to a new floor. I've only been at this job for less than 2 years but the move was still hard. I've certainly had my fill of packing and moving and I'm not even done yet. My desk faces a different direction, the equipment on my floor is terrible and it takes longer to get everywhere except, unfortunately, the café. I really don't need to be any closer to free food (Lord help me!).
• The Answer to the $264,000 Question? I honestly don't know what I weigh at the moment. The scale and my Wii got packed away a while ago and I haven't found the time to dig either of them out. I've been working day and night but haven't stepped foot in the gym and haven't been able to get to those kickboxing classes I love. I haven't been making the best choices and have, more often than not, gone for convenience over substance. Some nights we got home so late I was too exhausted to even bother having dinner. I haven't gained it all back but I'd guess I've found about 80% of the fat I painstakingly lost. It is just one more thing to be depressed about but I'm determined to get out of this pit I've put myself in.
• Once again, I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself. How do I get back to that happy place? How do I make the time to do what I need to do? How do I stop numbing my emotions with food? Obviously I don't have the answers or I wouldn't be back here AGAIN. I really believed I was going to keep it off. I thought I figured it out, finally, but I was wrong. I honestly don't have a clue but I'm going to try, try again.

There has been more family drama and some other major happenings but I don't want to shock you or bore you with all this "woe is me" stuff. Believe me, I realize I have many, many good things in my life and lots of people would be happy to trade their problems for mine but I'm finding it hard to keep up the positive attitude when I really just want to sit down and cry.

There are so many of you that truly amaze and inspire me and I thank you. Just so you know I'm not just blowing smoke when I say I've been keeping up with you....

• Happy 50th to Shelley! I picture you jumping up and yelling "I'm 50!" like Mary Catherine on SNL. You just keep getting better and better.
• Happy 45th to Lori! Inspiring weight loss/maintenance with biking and bagels.
• Happy 1000th+ post to Cammy! Making Tippy Toeing through maintenance look easy.
• Marion, I love your gym photos and your tough love. You are a rock star!
• Best Wishes to Suzi as she starts her new life as a married woman. We've both lost and gained but through it all, no matter our weight, we've had the support of great guys and we can get back there.
• Biz, you are INSANE! Love those sweaty photos - keep 'em coming! You make me want to cook and I hate to cook. I love your pictures, getting a peak into your life and your tales of getting bizzy in the kitchen.
• Elle, I know exactly how you feel. I'm there and we both know what we need to do to get back to where we want to be.
• You, you and you too...I'm cheering you on, giving you a kick in the butt or sympathizing with you even if I can't comment much, if at all. I'm there for you in spirit and praying we all find our way.

I'm not giving up because once you reach the bottom of the pit there is nowhere to go but up and out or die trying. What am I waiting for?