Saturday, September 14, 2013

Give Me a Break!

There has been so much going on in my little world I don't really even know where to begin. It would probably help if I didn't go weeks/months between posts but I honestly haven't had a minute to myself these days.

Where to start....

We finally moved 25+ years worth of stuff out of our third floor apartment into the new house. You can imagine the great stair workout I got over the past few months carrying box after box down 3 flights of stairs and going back up again and again. It was exhausting and more challenging than any day at the gym but it is finally done. Now I have a 2 car garage full of boxes to unpack but at least I'm away from the toxic environment and all the family drama.

Our place in Vermont got broken into and we had thousands of dollars worth of stuff stolen. We got to the camp around 11pm Friday night of Labor Day weekend to find our beautiful new French doors to the addition broken and every bag and drawer emptied and strewn all over the floor. Our relatively new tv was gone and they stole a bunch of random stuff. Snowboard, snowboard boots, snow shoes, backpacks, tools, CDs and other stuff we haven't realized is missing yet. The key to our plow truck is missing and they tried to steal the riding lawn mower but couldn't get either of them started. Luckily they couldn't get at our snowmobiles or the ATVs but it is little consolation. So creepy to know total strangers have been in your house going through your stuff. I had been so stressed and was looking forward to a relaxing long weekend but that didn't  happen. We spent the weekend installing new locks and securing the place as best we could.

I was almost numb to it all by the end of that night. As sad as it is I keep trying to look on the bright side. The thieving ba$tards shut the door when they left so the house wasn't full of insects and animals, nobody was hurt and it is just stuff. Stuff can be replaced but it is hard to get over the fact that we are not safe there (or anywhere). Some of our neighbors up there haven't locked there doors in 30 years but they are starting to now.

I am in the middle of a visit from the Mothership and I'm losing what little patience I've been hanging on to. She really knows how to push all of my buttons and I'm afraid I haven't been biting my tongue as much as I should and usually do. It cracks me up that the things I actually remember she tells me didn't happen and the revisionism she believes is mind boggling. She is such a worrywart and has a non-stop commentary about everything that is bad for you. You shouldn't eat this or that, you shouldn't drink (as she sucks down another scotch), everything is dangerous and you shouldn't do this or that. It's exhausting dealing with some so negative when I'm trying so hard to get my head in a better place but she is my mother and I must try to keep the peace.

I finally got my Wii hooked up and weighed myself. I was right. I haven't gained it all back but a good 80% found its way back on. I'm doing the best I can to just hold on these days but know I have to get serious about weight loss again. It is so hard to see my friends wearing all my beautiful fat clothes that I gave away when I could wear them again now. Even sadder is all the beautiful clothes I have that I can't squeeze my a$$ into anymore. I swore I would NEVER fill out those fat clothes again so there was no need to hold onto them. When will I learn?

What is it going to take for me to lose it AGAIN and keep it off? Your guess is as good as mine but I'm determined to keep fighting for it.

Thanks to all you beautiful souls who keep checking in on me, cheering me on and inspiring me. I'm determined to make you (and myself) proud again and I'm going to try to check in more regularly so you don't have to read such long rambling posts.

I best get my butt to bed since I'm hosting my first big BBQ at the new house tomorrow.

Cheers!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

What are we waiting for?

Hey Strangers -

Long time no blog. Yes, I'm alive! I've missed you! Luckily, I've been able to keep up with things going on in your world thanks to a smart phone, a long(er) commute and Google Reader (please tell me what I should use for a reader now-I'm clueless).

Today is July 1st, my birthday month, and I can't help thinking about how different I felt just 2 year ago and how I really need to get my groove back. Two years ago I was closing in on 101 pounds lost and felt amazing. I was in the best shape of my life when I reached my goal in September that year only to climb right back up the scale like the statistics said I would. I'm trying to look on the bright side - I'm still better off than I was 6 years ago at my heaviest but that's not very comforting. What am I waiting for? I'm certainly not getting any younger.

You can't imagine the things I've been through these past months. I don't even know where to start without boring you to tears with all the gory details. I'll just give you some highlights or, in most cases, the lowlights, to catch you up on the major happenings.

 
  • I'm a Bostonian. I work two blocks away from the finish line where they set up the medical tent. I was supposed to work that Monday but (thank God!) I was nowhere near the chaos and carnage that happened that day. I think He knows I couldn't handle it because I wasn't in the city on 9/11 either. I wasn't at the Marathon and I didn't know any of the victims personally (lots of friends of friends) but I was still devastated by what happened. I just can't comprehend all the hatred in the world and it makes me want to run away (to where? I don't know). Our city was in lock down and it was scary having something so horrific happen here.
  • I was forced to move from the apartment I've lived in for over 25+ years by a family member who returned from out of the country to cause havoc and take advantage of people's generous nature. I call those generous people "enablers" and I just couldn't stay and be a witness to it. Home is supposed to be a place we feel safe, a place we can relax and unwind but that became impossible to do. When someone is in your house screaming, slamming doors and disturbing that peace there is no way to avoid hearing it and getting involved in the drama. It was intolerable and, as much as I didn't want to move, I had to get away from the toxic environment. 
  • We bought a house! I still believe everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to see how being forced out of my apartment brought me to a better place. We closed in March and spent months renovating. We worked our full time jobs and then worked at the house every night and every weekend until we were able to start sleeping here in June. There are still lots of renovating to do and we still have a ton of stuff to pack and move out of our 3rd floor walk-up but we are away from the drama and that is a good thing. I even thought about doing a "What's Blooming?" post like Lori when I saw my tulips, daffodils and lilacs come up in the spring.
  • The same weekend I started sleeping in the new house was the weekend they moved my desk to a new floor. I've only been at this job for less than 2 years but the move was still hard. I've certainly had my fill of packing and moving and I'm not even done yet. My desk faces a different direction, the equipment on my floor is terrible and it takes longer to get everywhere except, unfortunately, the cafĂ©. I really don't need to be any closer to free food (Lord help me!).
  • The Answer to the $264,000 Question? I honestly don't know what I weigh at the moment. The scale and my Wii got packed away a while ago and I haven't found the time to dig either of them out. I've been working day and night but haven't stepped foot in the gym and haven't been able to get to those kickboxing classes I love. I haven't been making the best choices and have, more often than not, gone for convenience over substance. Some nights we got home so late I was too exhausted to even bother having dinner. I haven't gained it all back but I'd guess I've found about 80% of the fat I painstakingly lost. It is just one more thing to be depressed about but I'm determined to get out of this pit I've put myself in.
  • Once again, I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself. How do I get back to that happy place? How do I make the time to do what I need to do? How do I stop numbing my emotions with food? Obviously I don't have the answers or I wouldn't be back here AGAIN. I really believed I was going to keep it off. I thought I figured it out, finally, but I was wrong. I honestly don't have a clue but I'm going to try, try again.
There has been more family drama and some other major happenings but I don't want to shock you or bore you with all this "woe is me" stuff. Believe me, I realize I have many, many good things in my life and lots of people would be happy to trade their problems for mine but I'm finding it hard to keep up the positive attitude when I really just want to sit down and cry.

There are so many of you that truly amaze and inspire me and I thank you. Just so you know I'm not just blowing smoke when I say I've been keeping up with you....
  • Happy 50th to Shelley! I picture you jumping up and yelling "I'm 50!" like Mary Catherine on SNL. You just keep getting better and better.
  • Happy 45th to Lori! Inspiring weight loss/maintenance with biking and bagels.
  • Happy 1000th+ post to Cammy! Making Tippy Toeing through maintenance look easy.
  • Marion, I love your gym photos and your tough love. You are a rock star!
  • Best Wishes to Suzi as she starts her new life as a married woman. We've both lost and gained but through it all, no matter our weight, we've had the support of great guys and we can get back there.
  • Biz, you are INSANE! Love those sweaty photos - keep 'em coming! You make me want to cook and I hate to cook. I love your pictures, getting a peak into your life and your tales of getting bizzy in the kitchen.
  • Elle, I know exactly how you feel. I'm there and we both know what we need to do to get back to where we want to be.
  • You, you and you too...I'm cheering you on, giving you a kick in the butt or sympathizing with you even if I can't comment much, if at all. I'm there for you in spirit and praying we all find our way.
I'm not giving up because once you reach the bottom of the pit there is nowhere to go but up and out or die trying. What am I waiting for?

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing....

...it could have something to do with the fact that all my clothes are pulling apart at the seams and I can barely zip my fat pants. Those size 6s and 8s have been buried under piles of 14s, 16s and 18s and it makes me want to cry. How could I do this again? I swore I wasn't going to let it happen AGAIN. I guess I'm in good company because it's happened to the best of us. Even the weight loss rock stars who lost the weight, wrote books, appeared in commercials and went on whirlwind tours promoting their weight loss only to be in the exact same position I find myself in. Why? Why? WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? We are so much happier and healthier but we find ourselves right back to where we started or even further back from our starting line. Why?

I so desperately wanted to be one of those success stories. I want to break the trend and KEEP IT OFF. I worked extremely hard to lose 101 pounds and I wanted to prove to myself that I really did figure out how to take care of myself. Obviously, I still have a lot to learn.

I'm still reading and finding inspiration in your blogs but every single time I sat down to post my own all I came up with sounded whiny and depressing. Who wants to read that? I work long hours at a stressful job (although it is better than the last place I worked). I haven't been able to get to my kickboxing classes or make anything but sporadic appearances at the gym. I started eating out more often and stress eating just like the bad ol' days even though I know better. Little by little I let it all (almost) slip away again. I've just been having a big ol' pity party for myself because I've regained so much weight and I like my pity parties to be solitary affairs which is why I didn't invite all of you to join me. I thought I learned my lesson this last time. I thought I was going to be able to have Adventures in Maintenance just like these amazing ladies (Lori, Cammy, Shelley, Debby and Lynn) who finally figured it all out.

Losing the weight isn't enough, I've done that. Learning to love working out isn't enough, I've done that too. Whatever I've been doing and not doing this past year and a half isn't enough and I know I can do better. I have to do better. I have to find a way to lose the weight AGAIN and, more importantly, KEEPING IT OFF.

I want to crawl in a big, deep, dark hole every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while. I know what they are thinking ... "what happened? it's so sad she regained all that weight back." Of course, that is nothing compared to what I say to myself when I look in the mirror or try on pants that were falling off me 2 years ago that I can't get past my thighs. It is NOT pretty.

What is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Where is that determination and focus I had? Was it just a matter of having the time to take care of myself? How do I make the time I need to take care of myself a priority? How do I stop eating my feelings? I know, I know...JUST DO IT! Oh, it's so simple...but so much easier said than done.

I'll come back soon and fill you in on all the family drama, job opportunities found and lost and big moves happening in my life and hopefully I'll be able to report that I'm back on track to lose this fat suit AGAIN and will, eventually, join my heroes in the Adventures in Maintenance.

Here I go again...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Never Say Never

Hello...is anyone still out there?  I've never been the most consistent blogger but a post once a month shouldn't be too hard to handle, huh?  Thought I'd drop in and tell my sad tale of weight loss (regain) woes.  If you want to be inspired I suggest you check out my blogroll and visit those who are rocking the healthy lifestyle because I certainly haven't been one of them lately although I'm not giving up so there is still hope for me yet.

I really need to think long and hard before I use words like "NEVER" and "ALWAYS."  It seems as soon as we utter the word "never" circumstances change and we find ourselves doing exactly what we said we would NEVER EVER do.  It seems like the universe conspires to make us eat words like "never" and "always."  How many weddings have you been to where people promised to "always" love each other 'til death they do part only to be divorced in a few years.  I swore I would NEVER EVER regain the weight I worked so hard to lose. I thought I had it all figured out. I learned how to love exercise and looked forward to sweating my ass off at the gym.  I thought that was the key but I'm sorry to say that has not been the case.  I haven't gone back to binge eating but I have been eating too much, too often, and way too many meals out.

Exactly one year ago today I hit my goal of losing 101 pounds and went back to working a full time job after being unemployed for 22 months. During my unemployment I was able to focus my time on getting in shape and it worked.  I felt great and swore that I would NEVER let myself get fat again.  I guess I have NOT really figured anything out.  Well, that's not true, I've figured out that I can lose weight, exercise regularly and eat right as long as I don't have to work a full time job at the same time.

I'm not back at square one but I honestly can't even tell you how much weight I regained because I'm afraid to get on the scale.  It's crazy that I weighed myself almost every single day for years but I'm afraid to get on the scale and see the actual number now.  I would say I'm at about square 50 and it's depressing as hell to think about trying to lose those pounds all over again.

I have learned that I don't handle stress well and I suck at time management and forcing myself to get up early enough or go to the gym after work when all I want to do is get home and de-stress.  I'm still walking to and from the train station (3+ miles) everyday.  I'm still going to my favorite cardio kickboxing classes when I can get out of the office but I haven't been able to regularly make it to both classes every week.  The biggest problem is the stress eating and not taking the time to make healthy meals when I get home so late and I'm just too damn tired.

It really sucks to keep going through this.  I've run into a few people I haven't seen in a few years and they ask if I've lost weight and compliment me and tell me how great I look so all is not lost (regained).  I don't have 101 pounds to lose but even if that number is 50 it is still a tough pill to swallow but I'm going to have to face the scale at some point and figure out a way to lose weight and work for a living.

I'm not giving up.  I'm going to figure out a way to do this once and for all.  Time to get back to square 50....  Wish me luck.

Rock on!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

FAT is NOT a FEELING...

I know FAT is NOT a feeling but when I attempt to squeeze into pants that fit loosely just a few short months ago that is exactly how I feel...FAT. I've been kicking myself a bit for giving away all my fat clothes because I was so sure I was NEVER going to go back there but here I am. I'm not back into the biggest sizes, thankfully, but I'm not going in the direction I want to go.

Fat, bloated, stuffed, depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, disappointed and confused - that is how I've been feeling.  How could I let myself regain AGAIN? I swore I wouldn't let it happen AGAIN and here I am AGAIN.

I had good reason to be scared of regaining weight when I went back to work last September because I've done it so many times before. I really thought this time would be different.  I thought I had finally figured it out.  I had finally learned to love working out and thought that was the key to keeping the weight off.

I was able to find a way to get to my kickboxing classes twice a week and I get in at least 3 miles of walking almost every day but that just hasn't been enough to keep the pounds from creeping back on.  I know there is no amount of exercise that can make up for overindulging on a regular basis and when I'm stressed or bored at work the first thing I want to do is eat. Stress eating and emotional eating is my thing and I need to figure out a way to prevent myself from reaching for snacks all day long when I am NOT hungry for food.

Something has got to give because I've already lost so much ground and I need to stop it.  Aside from quitting my job, which, unfortunately, I just can't swing financially, I don't know what it's going to take but I'm going to find a way.

I need to stop feeling FAT because I know FAT is NOT a feeling.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Alive and Kickin'

Yes, I'm still alive and kickin', working my butt off (not literally) and trying to stop the scale from climbing back up. Why oh why does lost weight find it's way back so easily? 

I recently did a google photo search for kickboxing and look what popped up?


Yup, that's me!  I guess I've written about how much I love kickboxing enough that I made it to google's search engine. 

I've been having a hard time keeping up in my kickboxing class lately which is probably due to the 30 pounds I've regained but I'm still fighting and I'm not giving up. 

I really wish I didn't need a paycheck because I would love to be able to spend hours at the gym everyday instead of sitting at a desk shuffling papers all day.  I'm still trying to get my ass out of bed early enough in the morning to go for a run or get to the gym but that just hasn't been happening.  I'm walking over 3 miles a day back and forth to the train station, walking at lunch when weather permits, kickboxing two days a week and staying active but it just hasn't been enough to compensate for sitting on my ass all day at work and snacking way too often.

I'm still here reading all of your posts while commuting but my service is sporadic so I haven't been able to comment much which I miss.  I hope to get better at this time management stuff, get my ass out of bed early enough to work out and hit the lottery so I can quit my job and get back to the gym full time.  A girl can dream...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rage Against Regain!

I'm so frustrated.  I can't seem to figure out how to make things work.  You may remember when I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds back in September on my first day back to the grind and how worried I was about finding a way to maintain my hard-earned loss.  Apparently I had good reason for my fears and they were not unfounded.

Since reaching my goal last September I've been steadily gaining bit by bit and struggling to find a way to fit in my workouts after a long stressful day at the office. I struggle every day to stay away from all the free food they push around every single day. Last week alone they had a big breakfast one day and ice cream sundaes another day.  I don't understand why they feel the need to reward employees with fattening crappy food. 

I know it's possible to find a way to fit it all in.  I know it can be done. I see many of you not only work full time jobs and take care of your families but also put in the hours you need to stay fit.  I just can't seem to find my way.

I miss my two hour workouts and my daily walks.  I miss having the time to go to the market every day and cook healthy meals every night.  I miss it! 

I knew it was going to be difficult to find the time to workout but I didn't think I would regain so much so quickly.  It's depressing to think how much sweat and effort it took to lose and how easy it finds its way back.

I walk over 3 miles every single weekday back and forth to the train station.  I make every effort to get to my cardio kickboxing class twice a week during my lunch hour but that doesn't always happen because there is always some "emergency" that pops up just as I'm getting ready to leave for class and then I get extremely upset that I can't go which makes me even more stressed out.

Something has got to give.  I have to find a way to make it work or hit the lottery so I can be a lady of leisure who can spend as long as I want hanging out at the gym and taking care of myself. 

I'm not giving up on this fight but it is HARD and I need to find the time to make it work because I don't want to go back to where I was.  I'm not where I was but I'm not where I want to be either. 

I'm sure you've all heard the saying "it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all," right? I was wondering if it is the same sort of thing with weight loss. Is it better to have lost and regained than to never have lost at all?  I'm not sure.

The battle continues....

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Numbers Game

You can't win if you don't play. I thought for sure this was my winning ticket even though the odds were better that I would be struck by lightening 7 times on a sunny day. No matter how terrible the odds, I still wasted a few dollars so I could dream about what I would do with all that loot. Sadly, I still have to go to work for a living and I will not be able to give cold hard cash out to my family, friends and strangers on the street but the dream lives on.

If you live in the United States you probably spent at least a dollar during the recent MegaMillions frenzy because the jackpot was as high as a half a BILLION dollars. Almost everyone I know had a ticket and we all had lofty dreams of what we would do with the money if we won.

I started thinking about how I used to dream about getting in shape while sitting on my ass watching infomercials of the latest quick fix, easy weight loss, diet craze. I wanted it so badly but realized that no matter how much I wanted it, wanting and dreaming about it was never going to make it happen. It just wasn't enough. Like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play. You can't expect to win the weight loss battle if you never get your ass off the couch just like you have absolutely no chance of winning the big lottery jackpot if you don't buy a ticket.

So remember, no matter how badly you want to win, you have to be in it to win it.

Get out and play!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Best Weight Loss Blogs

Crabby McSlacker at Cranky Fitness compiled a great list of the best weight loss blogs of 2012 and I'm not surprised to see many of my favorite blogs on the list and excited to check out a bunch of new-to-me ones. If you are looking for some fresh blogs or wondering if you made the list, you can check it out here.

Did you make the list? Were you surprised to see certain blogs there (I was)? Who is your favorite fitness/weight loss blogger? Do tell - inquiring minds want to know.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....

Hey There, Hi There, Ho There - long time no blog. This working thing really sucks up way too much living time. I've been wanting to write here but just can't seem to find the time to sit at the computer and do it. Something had to give and, unfortunately, as much as I love blogging I just couldn't get to it. If I had a choice between working out and writing about working out I've been choosing to sweat. Priorities, right?

I've been keeping up with what's going on with you by reading blogs on the train during my commute to and from work but service is spotty and it's almost impossible to comment from my phone so I'm sorry if I haven't been a good blogging buddy. I continue to cheer you on even though you don't see it in a comment. I hope you understand and I hope to get better with my time management and get around to commenting once in a while. I miss you guys.

I keep seeing this commercial for a local health insurance company where a couple asks each other every day whether they went to the gym. Their excuses range from "I forgot my ponytail holder," "I missed the cat," "I don't think I needed it today," "my Mother called," and the most common excuse I used other than "no time," "toooooooo tired." It got me thinking about the million and one excuses we use for not living the life we want to live. There is always an excuse for not being able to get to the gym, right? We can always find a reason why we can't go for a walk, why we can't eat healthy, why we can't resist the tempting fattening foods in our face every day, why we can't start our diet today, why we'll put it off until tomorrow or next Monday, after the holidays, after the birthday party, etc. etc. We need to stop giving ourselves excuses and start finding ways to work around them.

It really comes down to making a commitment to take care of ourselves and making it a priority in our lives. We have to eat to live so we need to focus on more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins and less fried, sugary fatty processed crap food. Sure, we can indulge now and then but not every day at every meal. A treat should be a treat, not an everyday thing. I know what that store bought cake tastes like and I don't love it so why should I waste the calories on it?

We can't survive without water but we can certainly live without soda. I'm still amazed that I haven't had a Diet Coke in almost 4 years! I used to have Diet Coke running through my veins and I'm not even tempted to drink it anymore. I don't crave it and could care less if other people around me are drinking it, I don't even want it now and there was a time I thought I couldn't live without it.

We can change our habits. It is possible. We have the technology and the ability we just have to believe we can and make it happen. It won't happen overnight but it will happen if we keep believing it is possible and keep working towards our goals. We will never be perfect but we can keep getting better and better with each little baby step in the right direction.

My biggest excuse these days is I have "no time" to do anything but I'm squeezing in exercise where I can and trying to rein in the mindless/stress/social eating. Between working long hours, the holidays, and vacation, I've regained some weight but I'm not freaking out about it (yet). I don't have the time to spend hours at the gym everyday anymore so it's no surprise I'm up on the scale but I'm fighting to keep it under control and deal with my circumstances. I finally worked up the courage to ask the boss about taking an extended lunch twice a week so I could go to my kickboxing class and he said YES ;).

So, what's your biggest excuse? and what can you do to work around it?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

New Dawn, New Day, New Life

New Year Resolutions are great but we really shouldn't save them up for the New Year, we should make them every single day. We don't know what kind of challenges we're going to face in the coming year so as soon as something gets thrown in our path or gets in the way of those resolutions we tend to give up in frustration. Resolutions made on January 1st usually hit a giant brick wall by the time February 1st comes along. The gym has been so packed with New Year Resolutioners that I've had to wait to get on a treadmill the past couple of weeks but the crowds have already started to dwindle down and its only the second week of the year. The New Year is the perfect time to clean the slate, forget the past and look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. Look at all those little boxes on the calendar just waiting to be filled up.

This healthy living thing is a life long process. Even when we reach our goals, it's not the end. How many people do you know who got to their goal weight only to regain most or all of what they worked so hard to lose? We're not done once we see that sweet number on the scale or fit into those goal-size jeans.

We're not THERE yet, we're HERE, right now is where we're at. Right now, right HERE is where we're always at. This is a life long process not a short term project to complete and forget about. We are never done with healthy living. If something is really important, if something really matters, it doesn't get completed in a day. It can't be reached in a day, a week or a month. If you can finish it in a day it's not that big of a deal. If you can finish it in a week or a month it's not that big of an accomplishment. If it takes a lifetime it is a very big deal and totally worth the effort.

When our dreams seem such a long way off, we tend to decide that HERE is THERE and we settle for HERE instead of striving to get THERE. We settle for HERE because THERE seems so far away. HERE is not bad, it's ok, but we need to keep moving forward to get THERE. A new year is the perfect time to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. Put the past behind you, forgive yourself and others for any wrongdoings and move forward. The past is the past. The past is not today and it is not the future. We can't start working on what comes next until we put the past behind us. Don't let the past define your future. Let it go and focus on today and the possibility of what lies ahead.

We tend to get so overwhelmed with the mundane details of surviving day to day that we stop dreaming about the future and settle for HERE. This is not all there is. We are not THERE yet. Keep those dreams alive and keep looking forward to what lies ahead. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes to get THERE as long as you keep moving in the right direction.

Where are you? Where do you want to go? HERE or THERE?

Happy New Day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Happy 2012!


Happy New Year! Happy New You!


How has 2012 been treating you so far? Are you working on those resolutions. I don't like making them because if it is important on January 1st it is important every other day of the year. Start now, no matter what the date on the calendar is. Don't wait 'til the first of the year, Monday or after that big event, start right now. I hope this is the year we all reach our goals or at least take those baby steps to get closer to realizing them.


Long time no blog, huh? I've written a ton of posts in my head but just haven't had the time to sit at the computer and put them out there. Working really sucks up way too much of my life but it's a necessary evil since I wasn't lucky enough to have a big fat trust fund. I've been contemplating posting short and sweet updates just to keep the crickets from taking over this space but I still need to find the time to do that. I really miss unemployment.


I know most people assume that when a weight loss blogger disappears it's because they've fallen into the rabbit hole vat of chocolate and started packing on the pounds again but I'm not too far gone. Yes, I've gained a bit but I'm still hanging on to the wagon. I'm still fighting to get back to my goal weight that I saw for a nanosecond back in September but I've been able to maintain an average loss of 90 pound for a while now. Vacation and the holidays were filled with temptations but I did the best I could to get my workouts in and abstain from stress eating.


To catch you up on what's been going on with me, I'll start where I left off. Las Vegas was a blast. I don't know why it took us so long to get there. We gambled, partied like aging rock stars, barely slept and ate way too much crappy buffet food. I wasn't sure I could do it but I managed to pull an all nighter on our last night there. Of course, at 40+ it took me a few days to recover from it all but recover I did, just in time for the holiday party season. We did escape the sensory overload of the strip a couple of days to check out the Hoover Dam, Red Rock Canyon and the Valley of Fire. It was nice to get away from all the lights, bells and whistles and be able to check out the quiet desert scenery. It's such a vast contrast to the landscape here in the northeast. It was beautiful but so weird to not see any trees or greenery.


There was way too much family drama over the holidays that's still going on but there really isn't anything I can do about it so I'm trying not to stress out over it. There is always drama in my family and I have learned that the less I get involved the better. I try to be the peacemaker and smooth things over but only end up getting caught in the crossfire so I'm doing my best to stay off the battlefield.


Work has been stressing me out and seriously cutting into my gym time. I barely worked out at all the whole month of December and I was starting to feel like a slug. I did get a few workout in here and there and I've been walking to and from the train station, taking the stairs at the office and going for walks at lunch when I can actually get out but it is not the same as a good sweaty workout at the gym. Ok, are you sitting down? I'm thisclose to completing the C25K program. I completed Week 9, Day 1 which means I only have 2 more days of the program left to do. Not bad, it's only taken me over a year and a half to complete the 9 week program but, you know by now, I'm speedy like a turtle. I never ever thought I'd be able to run for 30 minutes straight without having something chasing me but I've done it. I may be SLOW but I'll get there. I have no doubt about that.


Even though I haven't been able to comment much, if at all, I've been reading and keeping up with what's been going on with you so please know I'm there in spirit cheering you on. I've said prayers for people going through tough times and danced the happy dance for your successes.


Keep rocking it, my friends. HAPPY NEW YOU!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Tis the Season ....


Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice or just a holiday off from work, I wish you and your loved ones peace, love and happiness no matter what the season.


I hope you do or continue to do what makes you happy and healthy in 2012.


Remember the reason for the season and love the giver, not the gift.


Peace out!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Viva Las Vegas!

Guess what?


I'm going to Vegas for Thanksgiving!
For years we've been saying we'll go to Vegas for Bill's 50th and it's finally here. He doesn't actually turn 50 'til the day after we get back but we're celebrating early. We're wondering if it might have been better to have gone 10 or 20 years ago when we were able to pull all nighters and party like rock stars but I'm sure we'll have a blast.

I certainly need a vacation. I don't think it will be very relaxing in the city that never sleeps, oh, wait, that's New York, isn't it? Well, I don't think Vegas sleeps either but I may have to sneak in a few zzz's on the plane or by the pool. I even packed some workout gear so I can check out the gym at the hotel. That's a first for me even thinking about working out while on vacation. Oh, how times have changed.



Bright light city gonna set my soul,

Gonna set my soul on fire

Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn,

So get those stakes up higher...

How I wish that there were more

Than twenty-four hours in the day'

Cause even if there were forty more,

I wouldn't sleep a minute away...


Oh, there's black jack and poker and the roulette wheel

A fortune won and lost on ev'ry deal

All you need's a strong heart and a nerve of steel

Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas ~Elvis

Wish me luck! If I hit a big jackpot I won't have to worry about finding a new job. Keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm truly thankful for all the love and support you all have given me over the years. Thank you for everything! You guys are the BEST! Enjoy your turkey and football for my fellow Americans and Happy Thursday to the rest of you.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Two Years Later


November 2009: 242 lbs. (Highest Weight Ever!)

August 2010: 198 lbs. (Onederland ~NEVER to be in the 200s again!)

November 2010: 179 lbs. (1 year ~ 63 pounds lost)

June 2011: 146 (I'm NORMAL ~ BMI)

September 2011: 141 lbs. (reached GOAL ~ 101 pounds gone)

November 2011: 147 lbs. (2 years ~ 95 pounds lost)



I know it's been a while since I checked in but I couldn't let this day go by without mention. Today marks two years since I got laid off from my soul sucking, miserable job and the beginning of my body and soul transformation. What a long strange trip it's been.



After 11 years of hard time at the same law firm I was blindsided, shocked and hurt to get a pink slip but it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Who knew getting laid off would be the sweetest blessing. Fortunately, I was lucky to be in a position to be able to survive on an unemployment check for 22 months while I focused on getting healthy.


I knew I had to take advantage of my time off so I joined a gym immediately and spent at least an hour a day, at least 5 days a week working up a sweat. I went to the gym like it was my job and it was the best job I ever had.


I started off huffing and puffing on the elliptical on Level 1 and struggled to hang on for an hour. I always avoided the machines near the mirrored wall and wore big, baggy t-shirts and sweatpants. After about six months I started mixing in some circuit training with weights and some treadmill work. After the first year I tried a few classes and got turned on to cardio kickboxing where I looked forward to getting my ass kicked twice a week while I continued the cardio work the other 3 days.


I didn't do any extreme dieting. I ate what I wanted in moderation. I ate cake and cookies, ice cream and carbs, nothing was off limits. The more I worked out the more I wanted to eat better so I didn't negate all the hard work I did at the gym. I started craving green monsters instead of crap. I stopped feeling the need to binge and stuff my feelings down and started eating normal sized portions. I wasn't stressed and miserable all the time so I wasn't stuffing myself trying to numb the pain.


Slowly by surely the weight came off. I didn't let myself get hung up on the numbers, I just kept working up a sweat and not eating like a crazy person. Some weeks I gained but I didn't let those gains mess with my head like they had in the past. I knew if I continued working out regularly and eating relatively healthy 90% of the time I would continue to see results. I didn't lose fast but I lost consistently and I think that is the key to keeping it off. Slow and steady has been my motto and I'm still working it.


Unfortunately after 22 months the unemployment checks stopped and I was forced to go back to the daily grind. I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to juggle a crazy work schedule, find time to workout and have some sort of social life.


I did reach my goal of losing 101 pounds but I was only there for a day, ironically it was my first day back at work (9/19/11). On the bright side I've been maintaining a 95+- weight loss since June, almost 5 months of straddling the "normal" BMI line, just under 150 pounds. I haven't been able to get to the gym more than twice a week if I'm lucky and I'm chained to a computer for the better part of 7.5 hours a day but somehow I'm managing to maintain.


My head is spinning out of control, I can't breathe, and I can't focus on what's important because I'm too busy focusing on other people's stuff. I feel like I'm losing myself again because I'm too busy working crazy hours that I don't have time to take care of myself and I miss it. I never thought I would say this but I miss the gym, I miss kickboxing and I miss my stress-free days.


Work totally sucks! I'm stressed out, working crazy hours and have no time to do anything. I barely have time to take care of the basics, you know, laundry, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, sleeping. It's only been two months but I'm already thinking about looking for another job because I just can't handle this kind of stress anymore. I need a paycheck but I just don't want to do this anymore. Thanks for coming to my pity party.


With all that said, I think I'm still better off than I was two years ago. I am so thankful to have had those 22 months but it's so depressing to go right back to the grind. I've come too far to lose myself again. I'm hanging on by a thread but I'm fighting to hang on.


How do you do it? How do you juggle work, family and friends and still have time to hit the gym? Inquiring minds want to know.


Rock on My Friends!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Boston Bloggers Meet in the Flesh

It's been almost three weeks that I've been trying to find a spare minute to sit and write a post about my very first blogger meet up. I was determined to do something other than work, cook, clean and sleep so I accepted an invitation to meet up with some amazing Boston Bloggers. I'm no longer anonymous, at least not to the six beautiful women I got to break bread with at Eastern Standard in Kenmore Square. If you want to hear all about the night and see a picture of all of us (including me!) head over to one of their blogs because they wrote about the night better than I ever could.

I was so inspired by this group of beautiful young women who seem to do it all so effortlessly and find the time to blog about it too. Erin of Creative Soul in Motion who made it all possible; Alli of Alli Learns Life; sisters Sarah of Sarah’s Modern Bites and Samantha of Samantha in Training; Sara of Run Around Sara and Maddie of BFF: Better Food and Fitness.

They told stories of their 5Ks, 10Ks, marathons, half marathons, triathlons and other feats of fitness while I'm still struggling to find a way to work 40+ hours and get to the gym on a regular basis. I did get up the next morning and complete another day of the C25K program. If I'm lucky I will complete this 9 week program in under 2 years.

I was a little nervous and insecure about meeting up with people I had never met before but it didn't take long for me to feel like I was hanging out with a bunch of old friends. It's funny how you can feel so comfortable with people you've never met. There wasn't an awkward minute the whole night. The conversation flowed and we talked about everything from food, wine, and fitness (especially running) to blogging, life and love.

I had a blast and I can't wait to meet up with them again. Cheers!

Monday, October 10, 2011

No Time!

Hey Strangers -

Long time no blog. I've been keeping up with all of you through my reader but I haven't been able to comment much because I'm reading from my phone during my commute but service is spotty on the underground train so it's nearly impossible to comment.

So, I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Who the hell has the time? I'm not adjusting to the back at work routine very well. I'm beginning to think I can't hack the stress of office life anymore. What was I thinking going back to work in a law firm? Why did I think a different place would be different? Well, it is a little different since I'm in that honeymoon period where everyone is sweet and nice but it has been crazy busy and stressful.


Now I remember why I never went to the gym. There's just NO TIME left in the day. I know, I know, I should get up even earlier, way before the sun rises, but it's been a struggle just to get up at 5:30, I'm not sure I can hoist my ass out of bed any earlier.


When the hell do you find the time to fit it all in? I've been working like a dog, going in early, working through lunches and staying late and I haven't even been there a month yet. I'm hoping it won't always be like this and things will calm down a bit but I'm not sure it will or when. By the time I get home, check mail and messages, throw a load of laundry in, cook something for dinner, clean up, etc. etc. there is NO TIME to do much of anything else besides collapse and fall dead asleep even before Chelsea Lately comes on. That is unheard of for me.


I've managed to walk to and from the train station most days which amounts to a little over 2 miles and I've been running up and down the stairs of the four floors of the office regularly but it isn't the same as getting good and sweaty at the gym and it certainly can't compare to my cardio kickboxing class. I miss kickboxing so much it makes me want to cry that I can't go anymore.


I've only managed to get to the gym twice after work in the past 3 weeks. I took a self-defense kickboxing class that I didn't really like and a muscle fit class that was just ok. I also did a few days of the C25K so I'm now up to Week 4 Day 3. Who knows, I just might complete this 9 week program by this time next year. Slow and steady, right?


I've been searching for an affordable gym in my new neighborhood but they are all outrageously expensive and way out of my budget. Who has $300/MONTH to spend on the gym? Not me. I wish I did but that is not going to happen unless I hit the lottery and if that happened I wouldn't be working anyway.


As far as my weight goes, I hit my goal of losing 101 pounds on September 19th which was my first day back at work but I haven't seen that number again since. I even somehow managed to gain SEVEN AND A HALF pounds this past weekend. I know it's not really 7 1/2 pounds of fat but it is scary to see those numbers. It has already come down 2 1/2 pounds but it still makes me nervous.

I need to find time to do what is important to me. I worked too hard and come too far to let it all slip away because of my need for a paycheck. I don't know how you all do it. If you have any advice on how to add a few extra hours to the day, please enlighten me.

Must remember to breathe....

Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm Lost

What a crazy week! I was so excited to be able to start my first day back at work knowing I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds but I haven't seen that number again since Monday. I know I'll get back to it but my official weigh in this week brought me to an even 100 pounds lost. I still can't wrap my head around that number.

Where am I? What am I doing? How did I get here? How do I get to where I want to be?

I'm feeling so lost and confused. My head has been spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it. I'm totally overwhelmed with the new job and just trying to hold it together. I couldn't even decide on what to get for lunch the other day, I just walked around and tried to stop myself from bursting out in tears. I ended up eating a banana and some cashews I brought because it was just too much for me to think about.

Not only am I lost in the office but I'm in a totally different part of the city and I don't know where anything is so I've been walking in circles, getting lost and trying to find my way around. I've spent all my working years in the Financial District and now I'm over in the Back Bay where it is certainly much cleaner and more upscale but it's hard to find places I can afford to go to.

There are so many new programs and procedures and it is taking me so long to complete the simplest tasks. I know I'm good at what I do so it's frustrating not being able to show it. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get my bearings and learn all the procedures but it's so hard. I've been electronically challenged this week too. Seems like every time I tried to do something, even though I was doing it right, for one reason or another it wouldn't work.

I miss my gym time and need to figure out what I'm going to do about that. I have been walking to the train station every day which is a little over a mile each way. I also took a self-defense kickboxing class Thursday night after work but I didn't love it. The instructor kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't find it motivating although I definitely got a good workout. My arms were killing me on Friday and, as he promised, my abs were really sore this morning.

Just wanted to check in and let you know about my first week back at the grind. I haven't even mentioned that I joined Biz' Holiday Challenge yet. I hope to get a post up about that soon along with my plans for maintenance once I figure out what those are.

I hope you all are staying strong and taking care of yourself. I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting as much as but I've been reading from my phone, usually on the train where I don't get service to be able to comment. Please know that I'm still cheering you on even if you don't get a comment from me.

Off to start Week 2. Dear God, please let it be better than Week 1.

Rock on my friends!

Monday, September 19, 2011

GOOOOAL!!!


What a day!


Today was truly a day of new beginnings. Not only was today my first at my new job but it was the day I finally reached my goal of losing 101 pounds! Talk about starting the day off on the right foot. My Wii scale showed 141.1 but I'm rounding down and calling it a victory. 101 POUNDS LOST! I can hardly believe it. Somebody pinch me.


It took 22 months of unemployment, relatively sane eating, lots of soul searching, faith, determination, tons of ellipticalling, walking, TaeBox, running and biking along with a little swimming, zumba, muscle flex, belly dancing and tabata but I DID IT! FINALLY!


No matter where you are on your journey, no matter how hard or unattainable your goal may seem, just keep moving in the right direction one step at a time. Don't worry about how long it will take you, how many obstacles you may have to maneuver around or how many restarts you have to make, just stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there. Remember, it's not a race, slow and steady will get you there eventually as long as you keep moving in the right direction. GO TURTLES!


Now comes the hard part ~ maintenance. Wish me luck.


Rock on, My Friends!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A New Beginning...


I will be starting a whole new chapter of my life tomorrow. A new job, a new schedule, a new gym, new classes, it's exciting and scary at the same time. I'm trying to stay positive about it and keep telling myself it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Everything happens for a reason and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.


I know I've been doing allot of bitching and moaning about going back to work, being scared of losing ground, worried about falling back down the dark, scary rabbit hole of bad habits, and not being confident in my ability to continue living this new healthy lifestyle but I'm working on changing my attitude. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and my new job will not be like my old one.


Today is the last day of my glorious, life changing 22 month sabbatical. I am so grateful to have been able to take this time off and find myself again. As upset as I was about being laid off in November 2009 it ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me. There were so many more things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't get around to doing but I need to give myself a little credit for what I did accomplish. I'm happier, stronger and ALMOST 101 pounds lighter and that is certainly something to be proud of and I am proud.


I worked my ass off to get here and I'm not going to allow a job and my need for a paycheck to take any of it away from me. I was hoping I would hit my goal of losing 101 pounds before I started working again but 2 or 3 pounds really doesn't make any difference. If I really wanted to just see that number I could probably sit in a sauna and sweat it out but I've stopped playing those kind of games. It's not about the numbers anymore, it's about feeling good in my own skin, knowing who I am, letting my light shine and showing it to the world.


I am so thankful to have been given the gift of time to travel such a soul saving journey. I can't wait to see what has been written in the next chapter. I've been so blessed. Thank God for miracles. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


This is your life! Are you who you want to be?