Thursday, November 27, 2008

Giving Thanks

I spend so much time here b*tching and moaning about my life, my weight, how much I hate my job, blah, blah, blah so I thought today would be the perfect day to turn it around (at least for the day) and give thanks.

I absolutely hate my job more than ever but I'm thankful I have a job and receive that all important paycheck every week that keeps a roof over my head and, obviously, more than enough food on my table.

This year was extremely tough with B's broken back and bout with meningitis, his Dad's broken back and ribs and other health related scares but everyone is recovering and our families are relatively healthy and happy.

There was that huge incident with my mother back in May and even though she never apologized and we haven't spoken on the phone, we have been in contact over e-mail. I realized that she is who she is and she is never going to change. I have to accept her the way she is and move on from there. I know it will be hard to handle her future visits because she will not be able to stay at my house with B but we'll figure something out. She is a stubborn Italian who knows how to hold a grudge and no matter how wrong she was she will never see it that way and will never apologize. I'm got over it like I got over all the things that happened in my childhood that she says never happened but she did give me life so I have to be thankful for that.

As much as I hate all the extra pounds I've been carrying around for too many years, I'm still pretty healthy. I can (and do) walk, run, hike, bike, ski, snowboard and stay active even if the scale doesn't move in the downward direction. My weight doesn't hold me back from moving around and living my life. I'd be more thankful if I didn't have to lug around all the fat while doing these activities but I haven't given up so I'm very thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for all the love and support out there in the blogsphere. There are some incredible people who have done amazing things and I'm glad to be a part of their lives even if they don't know I'm lurking around. Thank you all for being part of my life even if it is only through the screen.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for what you have.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Right Now

Right here, right now is all we really have. I spend so much time thinking of how I lost weight in the past. What worked, what didn't work, how long it took, how much weight did I lose, what did I eat or not eat, how hard or easy was it, what size did I get in, where did I find the motivation to stick with it, what was going on in my life that made it easier or harder to do?

I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.

It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.

When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.

I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?

It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?

I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.

Will I ever figure this out?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Amy, Amy, Amy ...

Amy, what have you done? I was so proud of you last week and then you go and do something really dumb. You gave Vicky new life when you had the power to send her home. What were you thinking? If it comes down to all blue in the end, you will be in fourth place. I'm so disappointed. Amy obviously doesn't realize that Vicky will vote her out the first chance she gets and Coleen would have been much less of a threat.

This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.

Holidays ...

I can't believe the holidays are almost hear and another year is passing by with barely any movement on the scale. Well, there has been movement - up a little one day, down a little the next - but basically it hasn't changed much over the past year.

I'm starting to wonder why I am not making the commitment necessary to lose it (again) and keep it off (finally). What am I waiting for? When will it click and stick?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Biggest Bitches

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser and I don't think I've ever really HATED any contestant. Oh sure, there were whiners, cry babies and people I didn't particularly like but there was never such hatred for a contestant as I have this season. Even the year that guy drank gallons of water to throw a weigh-in didn't get me that upset. As bad and sleazy as that move was, he wasn't mean, he was just playing the game. Vicky and Heba are just nasty MEAN GIRLS.

I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.

I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).

The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.

I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Thematic Photographic - Autumn

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is Autumn. This photo isn't the typical Autumn photo of leaves turning or pumpkin patches but I thought I would try for a little out of the ordinary. If you want pretty leaves you can check them out here, here and here.

You know the drill, stop on over at written inc. to get all the details and join the fun.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Unexpected Benefits

Things at work haven't gotten any better. I'm absolutely miserable in my new position and I dread going there every day. I feel like I'm being punished and forced into a corner to be tortured for 40 hours a week. The only good thing is that I've been so busy and stressed I haven't been eating much lately so I've dropped a few pounds.

I hope I don't have to make a trade-off of either being fat and happy or thin and miserable. I want it all and I'm determined to get out of this firm and away from the heartless b*stards.

I'm still waiting for the headhunter to set up some interviews and I've been sending resumes out but between the tanking economy and the approaching holidays I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to make a move. In the meantime, I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do, right?

Is it Friday yet?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Thematic Photographic - Night

My night vision isn't great but just like Carmi, I can't go out in the sunshine without squinting and shading my eyes or wearing dark sunglasses. My eyes are super sensitive and water when the wind blows or bright lights shine on them. I guess it isn't so strange that I can't control the flow of tears.

This week's thematic photographic theme is night. I took this photo at Downtown Crossing about this time last year.

Head over to written inc. and get the details to join in on the thematic photographic fun.