Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The year started off with promise and optimism as each new year does with that fresh calendar and clean slate but in February when B broke his back it just seemed to go downhill from there. There weren't enough good days to balance out all the bad.
I had a huge fallout with my Mother during her visit in May and things still haven't been resolved. It's hard to forget things people say, especially people who are supposed to love you, but I'm trying to forgive even though I can't forget. I blocked out lots of my childhood and I can't do that now as an adult. Things will never be the same with my Mother but she is who she is and isn't going to change so I have to learn to deal with it and move on.
Since May we have only communicated through e-mail and some of hers were pretty nasty but we did talk on the phone briefly on Christmas day so at least that first phone call is out of the way. It is sad because she lives so far away and we're not getting any younger. It's hard to work on the relationship when we haven't been able to make any better memories since her last visit. Is the mother/daughter relationship ever easy?
B just recovered from his back injury and things were looking better when B was attacked by a nasty case of fungal meningitis that could have killed him. The 2-3 weeks the overworked seemingly uncaring medical "professionals" misdiagnosed him was hell but we were lucky they finally did the right thing before he had any permanent damage. Our entire summer was spent in and out of the hospital which is never a good place to be.
Who knows what would have happened if I didn't freak out and insist they give him the spinal tap. I did learn the lesson of the necessity to speak up and not take no for an answer when it comes to health care because the doctors don't know what is normal for you or your family. Sometimes you have to kick and scream (not literally) to get them to listen but you have to do it. It could be a matter of life and death. I still don't think he has recovered 100% but he's almost there.
If all that wasn't enough to deal with they laid off a few key people at my office after 10 years, reassigned me, moved my desk to a dark, messy, crowded corner which made me even more miserable every single day I have to walk through those doors. I've started looking for a new job but with this economy there really isn't anywhere for me to go right now so I have to suck it up, do my job and collect my paycheck without shedding tears or making myself crazy.
I didn't make an ounce of forward/downward progress in my weight loss efforts in 2008 which makes me just as frustrated now as I was at the beginning of the year. I had consistent losses and just as consistent regains. I got pretty good at maintaining an all-time highest weight which is not something I'm proud of.
I know I need to put more effort into getting healthy and getting this weight off. I'm thinking of a different strategy for the upcoming year. I'm working on a life plan to get me into shape and take care of myself and not worry so much about the scale, the numbers, the clothes sizes, etc. I get so focused on the scale and the numbers that I get discouraged and binge or lose a few pounds and then act like a spoiled kid and reward myself with some sinful sugary fat pill and set myself back to square one.
I'm looking forward to better days in 2009. Thank you for encouraging me and lifting my spirits when I was down. I hope to have more to cheer about in the coming year and look forward to sharing with you.
Happy New Year 2009!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (only in the shower)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept overnight on a train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden a gondola in Switzerland (only gondolas in the North East)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (only if a day cruise counts)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish country
36. Taught yourself a new language (working on it)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (does anybody?)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (no, but I've bought and eaten my fair share)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (lots - B+)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. One cavity or less (I wish)
So many things to add to the list ... so many more things need to be bolded. What have you done?
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I grew up celebrating Christmas and Chanukah so I really should have thought to include all faith's holidays during this time of year. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, whatever holiday it is that you celebrate. I still just don't understand why people get offended if I say Merry Christmas - I'm just wishing you well, I'm not pushing any faith on you, I'm not insisting you buy baby Jesus a present or making you kneel on the alter. I think some people need to get over the sensitivity to people wishing them well.
Happy, Happy, Merry, Merry ... Christmas, Chanukah/Hanukkah, Chrismukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Ramadan, Festivus or Thursday.
Is it still ok to say HAPPY NEW YEAR?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
We saw the musical "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" last night at the Wang Theater and then watched the cartoon version when we got home. The musical was fun, the theater was gorgeous and it was something different to do but the cartoon version is the best.
'Twas the night before Christmas ... but it just doesn't feel like Christmas. There's lots of snow on the ground (although it is warm and drizzling now), the bells are ringing, the lights are shining and the lines at all the stores are crazy long and painfully slow but for some reason I'm not feeling it this year. I just don't have any of that Christmas spirit. Where did it go? Bah Humbug! Maybe Santa will bring my spirit back tonight. I was a good girl ... really I was. Santa, please bring me a big bag of holiday spirit.
I hope you are feeling the joy of the holiday. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I've always loved the winter. You won't hear me complaining about the cold weather because you can always add layers but there is only so much you can take off when it is sticky hot and humid. I get so excited when I can get out and play in the mountains and would rather be there than the beach any day.
I have tons of winter gear that keeps me warm and dry which is the key to enjoying winter sports. It is worth the price to pay the extra money for the quality gear. It is worth every penny when you are out in the elements. I pray for piles of snow and I find myself counting the days until the snowmobile trails open in the middle of summer. The trails opened last Tuesday and I was getting excited looking forward to that first ride of the season on some fresh powder. I'm a winter girl and usually never complain about too much snow until this past weekend.
My office closed at 3:00 on Friday but because I now work for a complete *ssh*le I ended up having to work until after 5:00 (I was not happy). I finally got home in the height of the storm and had to shovel out my driveway all by myself. B worked late Friday night, Saturday morning and again this morning which meant that we couldn't go up north to play. I tried to get one of my friends to drive up with me but he had to stay home this weekend too. My in-laws were on vacation and the college kids that live downstairs went home for the holidays so I was the only one around to do snow removal. I spent hours Friday night shoveling, I spent hours Saturday morning and night shoveling, and I spent more time out there this morning shoveling. My back is sore and I'm very cranky I couldn't take my snowmobile out for a ride.
I realized that I don't love the snow as much as I thought I did. I really love it when I am out playing in it. When I'm skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing or snowmobiling I absolutely LOVE IT but when I'm stuck in the city for the weekend shoveling, not so much love.
At least shoveling is good exercise, right? Time to get back out there and shovel some more ... oh my aching back.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I'm so happy! We have another female Biggest Loser!!! Against the odds, good (Michelle) triumphed over evil (Vickie/Heba). Michelle pulled out the win from the remaining b*tchy, smack talkin' evil blue team.
I have to admit this was my least favorite season with all the b*tches and back stabbing going on *Vickie*. I'm glad Heba didn't make it to the final three and ecstatic that Ed and Vickie lost to Michelle. Although I have to admit they ALL looked great (although Heba needs a better bra and Vickie needs to learn to walk in heels). Michelle was so much more deserving of the win because she had the right attitude and didn't hurt anyone along the way to get there. It was nice to see karma in action. Chalk one up for the good guys.
I sincerely hope that all the contestants keep the weight off. We watched them work so hard to lose it and I know firsthand how easy it can creep back on if you are not diligent. I was looking at a site that showed some of the contestants from previous seasons and it was extremely depressing to see quite a few of them have gained back the weight they lost. Check out "where are they now." Even winners of prior seasons gained back virtually all of the weight back. They may have won the big money prize but they lost the war by regaining it all back. I know what it's like to watch the weight pile back on and it breaks my heart to see it happen to the contestants we got to know and love.
Stay strong Michelle!! You deserve this new life. Congratulations!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
In case you haven't already noticed, Oprah has gained back the weight she lost (again). In a way, I sort of feel sorry for women in the public eye that have a problem with their weight. At least I don't have to see my fat *ss on the cover of a magazine with the horrible "look who's fat again" headlines.
Apparently there will be an article in next month's O Magazine where Oprah writes "I'm embarrassed, I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'" I've been thinking the exact same thing. How did I let this happen AGAIN?
It just goes to prove that it doesn't matter if you have tons of money, gourmet chefs cooking healthy foods and the best personal trainers money can buy, it is still a constant struggle. Like Oprah, I need to use the tools I know work and get healthy. I don't want to lose weight to look good (although that is definitely a bonus), I just want to feel good and be healthy and happy in my own skin.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The parties, the cocktails, the food gifts will be handled with extreme restraint. It isn't like I can never have a cookie again. What is it about the holidays that make people want to push their baked goods on you. Isn't it enough that my credit bill is getting fatter? I don't need any extra padding on my thighs. It takes extreme effort to pass up all of the special holiday goodness but I'm determined to halt the gaining trend and don't need to wait another three weeks to see how much more damage can be done.
'Tis the season ...
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I absolutely hate my job more than ever but I'm thankful I have a job and receive that all important paycheck every week that keeps a roof over my head and, obviously, more than enough food on my table.
This year was extremely tough with B's broken back and bout with meningitis, his Dad's broken back and ribs and other health related scares but everyone is recovering and our families are relatively healthy and happy.
There was that huge incident with my mother back in May and even though she never apologized and we haven't spoken on the phone, we have been in contact over e-mail. I realized that she is who she is and she is never going to change. I have to accept her the way she is and move on from there. I know it will be hard to handle her future visits because she will not be able to stay at my house with B but we'll figure something out. She is a stubborn Italian who knows how to hold a grudge and no matter how wrong she was she will never see it that way and will never apologize. I'm got over it like I got over all the things that happened in my childhood that she says never happened but she did give me life so I have to be thankful for that.
As much as I hate all the extra pounds I've been carrying around for too many years, I'm still pretty healthy. I can (and do) walk, run, hike, bike, ski, snowboard and stay active even if the scale doesn't move in the downward direction. My weight doesn't hold me back from moving around and living my life. I'd be more thankful if I didn't have to lug around all the fat while doing these activities but I haven't given up so I'm very thankful for that.
I'm also thankful for all the love and support out there in the blogsphere. There are some incredible people who have done amazing things and I'm glad to be a part of their lives even if they don't know I'm lurking around. Thank you all for being part of my life even if it is only through the screen.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for what you have.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.
It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.
When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.
I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?
It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?
I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.
Will I ever figure this out?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.
I'm starting to wonder why I am not making the commitment necessary to lose it (again) and keep it off (finally). What am I waiting for? When will it click and stick?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.
I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).
The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.
I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
This week's Thematic Photographic theme is Autumn. This photo isn't the typical Autumn photo of leaves turning or pumpkin patches but I thought I would try for a little out of the ordinary. If you want pretty leaves you can check them out here, here and here.
You know the drill, stop on over at written inc. to get all the details and join the fun.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I hope I don't have to make a trade-off of either being fat and happy or thin and miserable. I want it all and I'm determined to get out of this firm and away from the heartless b*stards.
I'm still waiting for the headhunter to set up some interviews and I've been sending resumes out but between the tanking economy and the approaching holidays I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to make a move. In the meantime, I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do, right?
Is it Friday yet?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
This week's thematic photographic theme is night. I took this photo at Downtown Crossing about this time last year.
Head over to written inc. and get the details to join in on the thematic photographic fun.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
This week's Thematic Photographic theme is "HAPPY." Unfortunately, I haven't been very happy these days but this picture always helps. Who can be unhappy looking at a sweet baby face.
I couldn't decide whether the baby face actually fit the theme so I decided to add this photo that was taken at a wedding in Disney last year. It is where the magic happens, right? Can anyone be unhappy at Disney?
Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The good news is I made an appointment to see a headhunter Monday morning. He said he has some good positions available. I also talked to my boss about my issues with the "restructuring" and told him I was not happy about working for the other guy but would do it but if they forced me to move my desk I was going to be looking for another job as much as I love working for him. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the executive committee but wasn't sure if they would change their decision.
I'm glad it is Friday but I'm already dreading going back to work Monday. I'm afraid I'm going to go in and they will have already moved my stuff to the new area.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I left for work a few minutes late and as I was running for the bus I realized I didn't have my T-pass that I keep in a badge holder along with my MP3 player so I let the bus pass and ran back up (3 flights of stairs) to my apartment to look for it. I looked everywhere, dumped my bag on the kitchen table and searched every pocket I had on yesterday - no luck. So now I was out $59 for the pass and $?? for the music and player.
With that stellar start I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. The ax came down at work and the pink slips went flying around. I still have a job but will be working for different people (who I don't particularly like) instead of the two great guys I work for now. Two of my good friends and another woman who I don't know very well got "laid off" due to "restructuring." Both of my good friends have worked for the firm 10+ years and one of them is a single mother. It isn't bad enough that they laid them off but they gave them absolutely no notice and only 4 weeks severance.
I realize these are tough economic times but how can you do that to someone after 10 years ... tell them at 3:00 to pack their bags and be out by 5:00. We all got 10 year bonuses just months ago.
My head hurts. I am so irritated and frustrated because I am unable to control my emotions when having tough conversations with my boss (or anyone). I am extremely sensitive (always have been) to the point where my eyes start tearing up and my throat constricts to the point I can't even speak. There are times I want to scream and yell but can't seem to keep it together long enough to do that and just cry like a baby instead. WTF!! I'm over 40 years old and I still haven't learned how to control my emotions enough to have a difficult conversation. I'm continually rendered moot by my sensitivity and raw emotions. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the blubbering like an idiot? It is ridiculous.
I have a feeling we haven't seen the end to the cuts and changes. I almost wish they had laid me off instead because that would have given me the kick in the *ss to get the hell out of there and find another job. I think I will be actively looking now because I am not happy at all about my new position.
I did some research on-line and there isn't much out there for me. I'm on the edge just waiting for one of the heartless bastards to push me over. UGGHH!!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
As a photographer, I'm always interested in viewing photographs and seeing other points of view. For months I've wanted to participate in the weekly Thematic Photographic fun which I first found at Erin's site. Unfortunately, I'm such a procrastinator that by the time I find the right picture the next week's theme is up and I missed the boat. I was determined to get involved even if my entries are late but luckily I had two days off this week so I was able to get out and get some new stuff. Thematic Photographic originates with the talented Carmi at written inc.
Here's the deal:
Every Wednesday evening, Carmi posts a new Thematic Photographic entry. Each entry has a unique theme. This week's is...grounded. You post a similarly themed image over on your blog and you paste a link to your entry in a comment at written inc. If you've already posted something that fits (on a blog, Facebook, MySpace, wherever) simply post the link to the existing entry.
You may post as many photos or links as you wish. For the week, Carmi will be supporting the theme with a related picture/posting each day and we are all encouraged to do the same. This is all about sharing, so feel free to share to your heart's content!
Please share this link with friends, too, and encourage them to join in. The more, the merrier.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I've done the all or nothing diets before and thought I would try the "nothing is off limits" diet so I don't go "on" and "off" but it isn't getting me anywhere. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds every week and need to find a way to kick my own *ss and get motivated.
The only times I have been successful with major weight loss is when I've gone to extremes. Not extremes like the all cabbage diet or the cookie diet but extremes like Jenny Craig or low carb (modified Atkins) South Beach type diets where I will be very strict with my food consumption, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself until I've gained it all back.
What is it going to take for me to get it right this time? I'm full of frustration!
Monday, September 29, 2008
While writing the book Val worked hard to deal with her issues with her mother who put her on her first diet at the age of 11 so she [her mother] wouldn't be embarrassed to see her [Val] in a bathing suit on their upcoming vacation. In her twenties, Val received some "magical" advice regarding her mother issues from a therapist. The shrink told her "Your mother is not going to change. You can either fight her to the death, or accept her for who she is and just deal with it." I think I have to learn how to deal with my own mother for different reasons but it is great advice for any of us that have a mother.
At her heaviest weight (I think after having a baby) I don't think she was ever more than 40 pounds overweight but we all know it doesn't matter if you are 5, 50 or 100+ overweight, we all seem to struggle with what we see in the mirror.
This book is funny, sad and inspiring. I laughed and cried and laughed some more. I hope I can achieve the same success by getting on the NON-diet bandwagon. I want to believe if we(I) just worried about taking better care of ourselves and not about the numbers on the scale we would get to the weight we are supposed to be at and not struggle with binging, starving, dieting, and feeling the weight every single day. I'm guilty of always thinking about the last diet, the current diet, the next diet, what I ate or didn't eat today, how to get through the next birthday, wedding, special occasion, meeting, free bagel Thursdays, and each and every food platter where there will be temptations such as cake, cookies, chocolate, bread, etc., etc. It is time to stop.
I think Val was spurned on to deal with her body image issues because she didn't want her daughters to live the life of a dieter. She wanted her daughters to have a positive body image whether they carried a few extra pounds or not. She ultimately made a vow "There would be no dieting for specific events. No dieting on deadline. No dieting at all."
Frankel had some help from a famous friend who forced her to really look at herself and "teach her techniques for dressing [her] frame - not Giselle's frame..." She told her "You have fifteen pounds of guilt and shame for not being who you think you're supposed to be. Those fifteen pounds are an anvil around your neck. You wake up in the morning and feel the heaviness before you get out of bed. It affects your day and your life."
I could go on and on quoting the wisdom written in the pages of this book. When I read a book I tend to dog-ear pages that have something particularly interesting or worthy of reading again and almost every page towards the end of the book is dog-eared. I felt her struggle and truly believe she found a way out of the crazy cycle of dieting. She said "Thinness was a dream, a goal. I'd chased the dream of being a size eight, and had caught it many times, only to watch it slip away." I've caught that same dream and allowed it to slip away too. How many times can I do it without learning the lesson? If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got, right?
I laughed out loud when I read "... repeating the same success/failure cycle was downright Sisyphian. And I'd been pushing the boulder up the hill, only to stand aside and let it roll back down intentionally!?! It was worse than Sisyphian. It was Assholian ... God as my witness, I would never be Assholian again!" I don't want to be Assholian anymore either.
It sounds like Frankel finally figured out how any woman "could melt down to her genetically predetermined true weight." I recommend you read the book and find out the four things you need to do to get there.
This book is worth its weight. I highly recommend it.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I don't know if I believe the hype about diet soda making people fat. I know most of my skinny friends drink the full sugar versions if they drink soda at all and I know my dentist will be happy I quit drinking the stuff. The caramel coloring and acid stuff is really bad for your teeth.
I have to admit I'm a bit shocked I don't miss my daily dose. I would share at least 3-4 glasses on weeknights, would start my weekend days by having one with breakfast along with my coffee and would drink almost a liter or 3-4 cans a day on the weekends. I didn't consciously decide to give it up but when B was in the hospital I didn't buy any and just started drinking more water. I still have a few lone cans in the back of my fridge but they don't call me as loud and forcefully as they once did.
I was hooked after my very first taste. It was like a drug addiction. I think I started drinking it in 1982 or 1983 when it first hit the shelves. It was so much better than regular Coke or Pepsi and I honestly drank it just for the taste of it. When ordering in a restaurant I would always ask if it was Coke or Pepsi products and would end up drinking water if they didn't have my sweet Diet Coke. Some even say there is a Diet Coke Cult.
Was it just a superficial relationship? If I got out of the habit of my daily dose of Diet Coke, shouldn't I be able to get off the rest of the sugar and bad carbs I continue to eat. I know the sugar and white starchy carbs are even worse for me than a little zero calorie, sweet, bubbly, just for the taste of it, Diet Coke.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Even though I'm disappointed to have missed out on all the summer fun, I'm always happy to see the leaves change and know that the snow is not too far off. I'll be glad when 2008 is over. It hasn't been a very good year.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
We're actually going to try to get out of the house today to go visit his sister and maybe even do a little swimming in her pool. We may not be able to stay long depending on how he feels but it will be good for us both to get out and get some fresh air. The weather is beautiful here and it will be nice to get out an enjoy it.
Get out and enjoy it while it lasts.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
B had been in and out of the hospital for the past three weeks where they kept pushing him out with medications and antibiotics and a diagnosis for sinus headaches, then migraines, then maybe they thought it was cluster headaches. B and I knew it couldn't be just a headache. Could a sinus infection (sinusitis) be that bad? He kept getting worse and worse and they kept sending him back home. The last time they discharged him we were arguing with the doctors because he couldn't eat or drink and wasn't able to keep his medication down so how was it supposed to work and make him better if it didn't stay in his system more than 20 minutes?
When I got home from work last Thursday B was out of it, slurring his words, talking nonsense, babbling incoherently, I thought he was having a stroke. I rushed him back to the ER where they started going through the same routine as the last 5 times when they FINALLY agreed to do a lumbar puncture ("spinal tap"). Every time he went to the hospital over the past three weeks they would ask if he ever had this procedure but then they would say they didn't think it was necessary.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
B was discharged from the hospital last Sunday even though he was not feeling any better. He hasn't been able to keep anything down and and they have no good explanation. After running CT scans, MRIs and blood tests they basically found no reason for the pain. The tests results are basically normal aside from a slight sinus infection and elevated blood pressure. They officially diagnosed him with severe sinusitis, then migraines and now they think it may be cluster headaches.
I feel horrible leaving him every day to go to work when he can barely get out of bed to take his medicine. He actually managed to have a few bites of pastina tonight and so far so good we haven't seen it come back. I'm praying he has turned the corner and the worst is behind him. I'm so exhausted from being up every night and working all day. I hope you never experience this kind of pain or have to watch someone you love go through it. It is brutal.
I'm really bummed about this coming weekend too. We had non-refundable tickets for the annual Mt. Washington ATV ride this Sunday but it doesn't look like we're going to make it. I guess there's always next year.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thank you Dr. Pausch. May you rest in peace.
If you haven't seen this lecture it is worth spending the time to check it out, view a condensed version on You Tube or buy the book. You will laugh, you will cry and, hopefully, you will be inspired.
What would you do if you only had a year to live? Why aren't you doing it now?
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I got it from Hilly who got it over at Student Teacher’s place. Here are the rules:
1. Put your MP3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
4. No cheating (or as Hilly said "Don’t fucking cheat, you Google whores!")
All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we know
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right when we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I bought my baby a Cadillac
She said that's just a common gift
When she past me on the street
She refused to give me a lift
Don't have to go out lookin' for trouble
Trouble will find you it's a matter of time
That's when you're gonna need someone behind you
A true friend isn't easy to find
Up with the sun, gone with the wind
She always said I was lazy
Leaving my home, leaving my friends
Runnin' when things get too crazy
I'm gonna love you
Like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
high as a mountain and deep as a river
How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle
A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
my love has come along
my lonely days are over
and life is like a song
Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a King
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
I've been looking for my baby
And I wonder where can she be
Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way
I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Rollin' down highway 95
Sailin' through her hometown countryside
Move on over, stand astride
My cruise control's in overdrive
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me
Kind woman, I give you my all
Kind woman, nothing more
I've been down hearted baby, ever since the day we met
I've been down hearted baby, every since the day we met
Our love is nothing but the blues
Baby, how blue can you get?
Everybody's high on consolation
Everybody's trying to tell me what is right for me,
yeah My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon
But it's plan to see that they can't comfort me
You left me here on your way to paradise
You pulled the rug right out from under my life
I know where you goin' to
I knew when you came home last night
My baby's always dancin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie
We spent the night in Frisco at every kinda disco
From that night I kissed our love goodbye
I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain
I'm going home
Legal problems gettin' thick and hazy
Look at the people gettin' rich and crazy
Locked up in mansions on the top of a hill
Someone needs to tell them 'bout Overkill
Wow...that took longer than I thought it would; I almost gave up when I got to ten. I think there are some pretty good songs in this random selection, and yes I do realize I need to get some new music downloaded, stat. I've been listening to the same stuff for ages, time to mix it up a little. Some of these are way too easy to figure out. So, can you name that tune?
I'm exhausted and my bed is calling me "come to me, please come to me, you are very tired, get off the damn computer and get in me." I've been so lonely in the big bed, finding it hard to sleep without my other half who is still in the hospital. I'm going to give it a shot even if I end up tossing and turning especially now that I have all these songs stuck in my head.
Time for a lullaby.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I've been doing nothing more than working and going to the hospital every day. My house is a disaster because I've barely had time to do a load of laundry. By the time I get home I'm falling into bed only to toss and turn.
B seemed to be getting better yesterday and they were talking about discharging him today but his headache came back with a vengeance last night and he was miserable when I saw him tonight. He barely said two words to me the whole time I was there because his head was pounding so bad. They had taken out his IV because they wanted to make sure he would be able to take his medication orally but now he is nauseous and seems to be getting worse not better. I'm so frustrated and don't understand why he isn't getting better. I've never heard of someone having a sinus infection this bad or for this long.
If things weren't bad enough, B's Dad fell yesterday and broke 6 ribs and may have broken a couple of bones in his back so he is in the hospital now too. He is in a different hospital so I haven't seen him yet to get the full story of what happened.
When things like this happen it forces you to put things in perspective. I haven't even thought about my weight in the past two weeks. It just isn't important considering everything else going on and wouldn't you know I lost a couple of pounds.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Every resident of Massachusetts is now required to have health insurance or they penalize you by reducing your tax refund or not being eligible for the stimulus package this year. Since B is unemployed he signed up to receive health insurance through a network health system but he doesn't pay anything so the doctors and hospitals don't get enough money for his care so they basically just push him away.
B hasn't been able to eat or sleep and can't keep any of the medications down because every time he takes it he just brings it right back up. I don't understand how he can be on antibiotics for over a week and not feel the slightest bit better.
We spent Saturday night in the ER at one hospital and Sunday night at another and he still isn't feeling any better. They refuse to admit him again because of his crappy insurance. It is breaking my heart to see him in so much pain. It is such a disgrace that our country can turn people away from quality health care because they are struggling financially and weren't lucky enough to be born with a trust fund.
I've had about 5 hours of sleep all weekend and now have to get ready to go to work and leave my patient to fend for himself all day. I'm so exhausted. I'm hoping to be able to work through my lunch so I can leave early to get back home. I'm going to go check my lottery ticket, maybe if I hit big I could buy some good health care.
Friday, July 18, 2008
My latest vacation didn't start out bad even though I did turn another year older which gets harder and harder every year. I certainly don't feel 41 although my mind's age and my body's age are vastly different. Each birthday I think of Jimmy Buffett's song Growing Older But Not Up ...
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead
Now don't get me wrong
This is not a sad song
Just events that I have happened to witness
And time takes its toll as we head for the poll
And no one dies from physical fitness
So what the hell, we'll take it right to the end
As the days grow more complicated the nightlife still wins
B was really hurting when we left for the hot air balloon festival in Stowe which was about an 1 1/2 hour drive. He knows how much I love going every year to take pictures so he forced himself to come with us but it was a bad decision. We brought chairs and B didn't move from them for the few hours we were at the festival. Another group of friends were camping in Stowe so we met up with them but B could barely keep his head up. His pain only got worse and he finally went to the emergency room when we got back home on Monday.
After being on vacation for a week and having a doctor's appointment Monday morning I ended up at the hospital with B when I was supposed to be returning to the office. The ER gave him some fluids for dehydration and sent him home with antibiotics for sinusitis and a bunch of pain killers.
Things only got worse and he ended up back at the hospital late Monday night when they admitted him. He couldn't eat or even keep down the pain medication with a sip of water. He spent the week in the hospital being pumped with fluids, morphine and other heavy duty pain killers, a steroid nasal spray and who knows what else. They discharged him Thursday night with a handful of drugs and said the infection will just have to run its course.
My kitchen counter looks like a pharmacy and I'm exhausted from worrying, spending every night at the hospital and then not being able to sleep without him when I got home. Now I'm even more exhausted from playing nurse all night.
I'm praying he turns the corner soon. Aside from when he broke his back I don't think I've ever seen him in this much pain. I feel helpless because there is really nothing I can do to make him feel better except serve him and keep him medicated.
I wish this weather pattern would change because I'm sick of looking up and seeing that big black cloud shadowing me.
I hope everyone is having a better time enjoying good health, the warm weather, cookouts, picnics, pool parties, concerts and the usual summertime festivities. I like to plan my next vacation when I get back from vacation so I have something to look forward to but maybe I should consider scheduling a few long weekends and see if I can make it through them without the storm clouds.
I need a vacation from my vacation.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I recently read the hyped autobiography Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I usually don't like reading what everyone else is raving about because I'm often disappointed when it doesn't live up to the glowing reviews but I actually liked this one. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised by honest account of this woman's determination to find herself and the life she knew she was meant to have. At times I thought she was a bit whiny but I think I was just jealous because I couldn't afford to take a year off from my life and find myself. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?
There was a great passage about Karma that really hit home with me. Gilbert writes:
"The karmic philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even
in one lifetime it's obvious how often we must repeat our sames mistakes,
banging our heads against the same old addictions and compulsions, generating
the same old miserable and often catastrophic consequences, until we can finally
stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also of Western
psychology, by the way) - take care of the problems now, or else you'll just
have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. And that
repetition of suffering - that's hell."
I've been living that hell by repeatedly making the same mistakes. I continue to struggle but I'm determined to fix it - I don't want to be fat in my next life too :)
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I know the older I get the harder it is to lose weight (as if it is ever easy) and yet I'm still stutter stepping around and around. I'm not getting any younger and each time I lose a substantial amount of weight only to gain it back it really screws up my metabolism making it harder and harder.
I've gotten so much support from people who have been in these fat shoes and succeeded and those who are going through the process (thank you). I've read hundreds (thousands?) of blogs proving it is possible but despite my desire to join this group I am still fat. I am at a loss as to why I haven't put in the effort needed to do the things I need to do to reach this goal if it is so important to me. I'm constantly thinking about it but I'm not aggressively, faithfully and wholeheartedly focusing on getting it done.
What the hell am I waiting for? How long can I keep this goal from alluding me? What am I waiting for? When the hell will I figure this out? NOW sounds good.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
- Thomas Edison
The truth of the matter is you only get closer to success if you actually learn from your mistakes. You can't keep doing the same things and expect to get different results.
I must be getting close now!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
We know where they live, what they eat, how often they work out, what their cycle is, how often they get it or don't get it, who their friends are, who they're mad at, and all the little details of their lives. We get to see photos of them and all the people in their lives because they choose to share that information with all of us out in the world wide web. They spill their guts, talk openly about their relationships, kids, work, up and downs and everything in between and I admire them for it and love reading the story of their lives. They strip down for us and show their true selves or the selves they want us to see. Maybe it is a form of voyeurism in some way and we get a thrill looking into their world.
I started this blog with the intention of keeping it anonymous. I mistakenly thought with all the blogs out there it would be nearly impossible for someone I know in real life to find it but I've been outed and forced out of the blog closet. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I liked the idea of being able to talk about my feelings and work through my issues with my weight without being embarrassed or censored because of who might be reading.
If you blog anonymously, would you change what you write because you know certain people are reading? If you are an open book, do you censer what you say in any way because you don't want to offend anyone or be embarrassed about your thoughts?
It is very bright out here in the open but I don't think it is possible to get back in that closet and lock the door.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
WOW! Check out the video of Jennette Fulda's amazing 192 pound loss in record time. It took me a while to figure out how to embed a video but I really wanted to enter the contest on her site so it was worth the effort.
If you are not already fan or have been living under a rock without internet access that last few years, please go and check out her site and help the economy by buying her book, Half-Assed - A Weight Loss Memoir. What else are you planning to do with that stimulus check anyway?
Jennette Fulda a/k/a Pasta Queen is my hero.
* actual weight loss took much longer than 7 seconds.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
If you don't feel like reading the whole article, here is the short list of the things we should avoid:
1. Sodium Nitrate, Sodium Nitrite (shown to promote cancer);
2. BHA and BHT (a/k/a butylated hydroxyanisole and butylated hydrozyttoluene);
3. Propyl Gallate (often used in conjunction with BHA and BHT);
4. Monosodium Glutamate (a/k/a MSG);
5. Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil;
8. Food Colorings: Blue 1, 2; Red 3; Green 3; Yellow 6;
10. Potassium Bromate;
11. White Sugar; and
12. Sodium Chloride.
Check your labels and try to avoid these chemicals as much as possible by shopping the parameter of the supermarket. Once you go down the aisles you are in very dangerous territory.
Time to hit the farmers market (no additives there) and enjoy the fresh food of the season. Yum.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I know so many women who go on extreme diets, starve themselves and work out like maniacs to fit into their wedding dress and then they can't even squeeze into it when they get back from their honeymoon. They all look at their wedding pictures and wish they could get back to that unrealistic weight again.
Last week while B was away I ate healthy and didn't miss a single work out. The other thing I noticed was I didn't drink any Diet Coke even though I had plenty in stock. It makes me wonder why I'll sneak food when B is home but when I am by myself and can eat anything I want without having to hide it I don't.
Hmmm...it makes me think of a recent study about friends making you fat (sorry I'm too lazy to look up the link). It basically suggests that when you are around people who eat fast, you tend to eat fast. When we are surrounded by people who lead a sedentary life, we tend to do the same. If your friends and family are fat you are more likely to follow in their footsteps.
When B is drinking Diet Coke, I want to drink it too. When all my friends are partying and enjoying massive quantities of food and drink I want to be part of the party too. When there is a celebration I want to eat cake with everyone else.
Is it possible to make lasting changes if the people you surround yourself with don't make those changes too?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
We all know what an incredible writer she is from her blog and her book does not disappoint. She didn't cut and paste blog entries and call it a book. Jennette's story is not the typical fat girl gets thin book. Her family never pressured her to lose weight and she didn't feel much abuse by society for being obese. She doesn't preach about what diet she used although she did start out with the basic principles of the South Beach Diet after she saw her brother lose weight using that method. You will not find any meal plans or grueling work out schedules here. She ate more healthy foods (vegetables, fruits and proteins) and less white stuff (white bread, sugar, and processed foods) and spent lots of time on her treadmill. She knows that what worked for her won't necessarily be what works for you or me.
Jennette didn't spend a lifetime buying in to all the crazy fad diets, she didn't play the yo-yo game so she hadn't really screwed with her metabolism as much as the constant dieters out there. Her diet was not something she was going to go off when she hit some magic number. She knew she had to find a way of eating she could live with for the rest of her life, she didn't want to try some crazy tapeworm diet and feel stupid. She would rather stay fat than lose weight and regain it all on some fad diet and be fat and stupid.
Jennette had set backs and moments where she slipped up and had one too many pieces of (stolen) cake or too much chocolate but she didn't use it as an excuse to give up and let those moments throw her into a state of despair and hopelessness. She just got back to her routine and knew it was just a set back and she would have to re-lose those few pounds gained from those slip ups.
She talked about how being overweight was like being in debt. Instead of owing money, she owed calories. At the start she calculated that she was 742,000 calories overdrawn. She knew she wasn't going to erase that caloric debt overnight and just started focusing on making healthy food choices and moving her body instead of snuggling on the couch with her cat, Officer Krupke.
Jennette would often talk herself into getting on the treadmill or on the trail for a walk and had those familiar arguments with herself. After a particular bad eating day she forced herself to get out on the walking trail. She didn't want to do it and started telling herself she didn't have to do it, she could turn around but she knew there was no turning back. If she turned back she was screwed, it was not an option. She stated "If I looked back, I'd turn into a pillar of salt and somebody's dog would lick me up and poop me out." Pure literary genius.
Her weight loss didn't happen overnight and she certainly struggled at times but she finally got to a point where she felt really good about herself even though she may not be considered "thin" in this crazy world where you can never be too rich or too thin. She is aware of all the statistics of weight loss and how hard it is to keep it off. She stated that she "accepted the fact that my body needs constant care and attention. I haven't been cured of obesity, I'm just in remission. There is no fat vaccine. I have realistic goals and won't be heartbroken if I never wear a size 4 dress."
Her life is very different than it was at 372 pounds and she is taking advantage of all the wonderful things she is able to do now. She can RUN now and recently finished a half marathon, she can cook healthy foods and eat cake and cookies now and then and doesn't beat herself up about it. That's just part of life.
PQ knows that she needs to take care of her body and knows she is not perfect. Her life isn't sprinkled with fairy dust and all sunshine and roses now that she is thin. She still has problems and frustrations but they can no longer be blamed on obesity. I think we all use our fat as an excuse for why we are not doing the things we want to do in life. I don't want to spoil the ending but she doesn't ride off into the sunset to live a perfect life although she can now live it without all the aches and pains that go along with being twice her size.
She hasn't reached her "goal" weight and she is ok with that. She may never get to that number she set but she doesn't think about that as much as working to increase her running time. She thinks like an athlete now. She has been able to stop focusing so much on the numbers on the scale and start living her life as an active healthy (formerly fat) girl.
Jennette has achieved something so many of us want to accomplish but says is doesn't make her any more special or amazing than anyone else. She says there are times she feels a need to apologize for being so happy, to say she's sorry to all people who want to be thin but are stuck being fat. Her life isn't perfect now just because she can fit her whole body in one side of her fat pants.
Way to go PQ!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
My Mommy Dearest is flying in from sunny Florida tonight for a THREE WEEK stay. THREE WEEKS!! Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but THREE WEEKS!! I'm not even sure I'd want my best friend staying with me for three weeks.
I can already feel the tension building and she hasn't even arrived yet. I'm hoping to get through the three weeks without all the usual drama which means I'll need to stay away from the "remember when" stories. I blocked out allot of my childhood memories and the ones I do remember she tells me never happened. I love the way she has been able to revise my childhood to a wonderful happy time when it was so far from it.
I'm going to need superhuman strength to get through these next three weeks as she pushes each and every one of the buttons she installed in me. I usually take some vacation time when she comes up to visit but I didn't do it for this trip. Maybe if I work all day and only see her nights and weekends it won't feel like THREE WEEKS!
I just stocked my house with lots of healthy foods so I hopefully won't resort to binge eating to deal with the stress of having her here for so long. I think it may be a good idea to hit the gym every night after work so I will have less hours of Smothering time.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I can say "I knew her when ...." When I first started reading her blog she weighed over 350 pounds but you wouldn't know it looking at her now. What an amazing transformation! You can even have fun spinning her round and round on her progress photos.
There are so many woman like Jennette who have been through this struggle, overcame obstacles and sabotagers, resisted temptation, got off the couch, made it through the highs and lows, kept at it when the numbers on the scale wouldn't budge, got healthy, stuck with it and succeeded in breaking through to the other side. It makes me believe I can get there (and stay there) too. I just keep telling myself it will happen, I need to think positive, make each and every decision work, keep making one good decision after another and, most importantly, never give up.
Check your local listings for the Today Show and don't miss it no matter what your mother wants you to do that day.
Congrats to Pasta Queen! I hope she makes a ton of money in book sales and enjoys every minute of her success. Thanks to Pasta Queen for showing us all how to be a weight loss success story.