Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm Lost

What a crazy week! I was so excited to be able to start my first day back at work knowing I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds but I haven't seen that number again since Monday. I know I'll get back to it but my official weigh in this week brought me to an even 100 pounds lost. I still can't wrap my head around that number.

Where am I? What am I doing? How did I get here? How do I get to where I want to be?

I'm feeling so lost and confused. My head has been spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it. I'm totally overwhelmed with the new job and just trying to hold it together. I couldn't even decide on what to get for lunch the other day, I just walked around and tried to stop myself from bursting out in tears. I ended up eating a banana and some cashews I brought because it was just too much for me to think about.

Not only am I lost in the office but I'm in a totally different part of the city and I don't know where anything is so I've been walking in circles, getting lost and trying to find my way around. I've spent all my working years in the Financial District and now I'm over in the Back Bay where it is certainly much cleaner and more upscale but it's hard to find places I can afford to go to.

There are so many new programs and procedures and it is taking me so long to complete the simplest tasks. I know I'm good at what I do so it's frustrating not being able to show it. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get my bearings and learn all the procedures but it's so hard. I've been electronically challenged this week too. Seems like every time I tried to do something, even though I was doing it right, for one reason or another it wouldn't work.

I miss my gym time and need to figure out what I'm going to do about that. I have been walking to the train station every day which is a little over a mile each way. I also took a self-defense kickboxing class Thursday night after work but I didn't love it. The instructor kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't find it motivating although I definitely got a good workout. My arms were killing me on Friday and, as he promised, my abs were really sore this morning.

Just wanted to check in and let you know about my first week back at the grind. I haven't even mentioned that I joined Biz' Holiday Challenge yet. I hope to get a post up about that soon along with my plans for maintenance once I figure out what those are.

I hope you all are staying strong and taking care of yourself. I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting as much as but I've been reading from my phone, usually on the train where I don't get service to be able to comment. Please know that I'm still cheering you on even if you don't get a comment from me.

Off to start Week 2. Dear God, please let it be better than Week 1.

Rock on my friends!

Monday, September 19, 2011


What a day!

Today was truly a day of new beginnings. Not only was today my first at my new job but it was the day I finally reached my goal of losing 101 pounds! Talk about starting the day off on the right foot. My Wii scale showed 141.1 but I'm rounding down and calling it a victory. 101 POUNDS LOST! I can hardly believe it. Somebody pinch me.

It took 22 months of unemployment, relatively sane eating, lots of soul searching, faith, determination, tons of ellipticalling, walking, TaeBox, running and biking along with a little swimming, zumba, muscle flex, belly dancing and tabata but I DID IT! FINALLY!

No matter where you are on your journey, no matter how hard or unattainable your goal may seem, just keep moving in the right direction one step at a time. Don't worry about how long it will take you, how many obstacles you may have to maneuver around or how many restarts you have to make, just stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there. Remember, it's not a race, slow and steady will get you there eventually as long as you keep moving in the right direction. GO TURTLES!

Now comes the hard part ~ maintenance. Wish me luck.

Rock on, My Friends!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A New Beginning...

I will be starting a whole new chapter of my life tomorrow. A new job, a new schedule, a new gym, new classes, it's exciting and scary at the same time. I'm trying to stay positive about it and keep telling myself it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Everything happens for a reason and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I know I've been doing allot of bitching and moaning about going back to work, being scared of losing ground, worried about falling back down the dark, scary rabbit hole of bad habits, and not being confident in my ability to continue living this new healthy lifestyle but I'm working on changing my attitude. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and my new job will not be like my old one.

Today is the last day of my glorious, life changing 22 month sabbatical. I am so grateful to have been able to take this time off and find myself again. As upset as I was about being laid off in November 2009 it ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me. There were so many more things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't get around to doing but I need to give myself a little credit for what I did accomplish. I'm happier, stronger and ALMOST 101 pounds lighter and that is certainly something to be proud of and I am proud.

I worked my ass off to get here and I'm not going to allow a job and my need for a paycheck to take any of it away from me. I was hoping I would hit my goal of losing 101 pounds before I started working again but 2 or 3 pounds really doesn't make any difference. If I really wanted to just see that number I could probably sit in a sauna and sweat it out but I've stopped playing those kind of games. It's not about the numbers anymore, it's about feeling good in my own skin, knowing who I am, letting my light shine and showing it to the world.

I am so thankful to have been given the gift of time to travel such a soul saving journey. I can't wait to see what has been written in the next chapter. I've been so blessed. Thank God for miracles. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

This is your life! Are you who you want to be?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Everything Happens for a Reason

My head has been spinning these days for a number of reasons. I haven't been able to put a coherent thought together in my head let alone get it down on the screen. Everything is jumbled. Nothing in this world makes sense but I know there is a reason for everything.

I was reading stories of 9/11 survivors who, for one reason or another, didn't make it to where they were supposed to be on that fateful Tuesday morning over ten years ago. They missed a train, a bus or a plane, their child was sick, they got stuck in traffic, they had a flat tire, the alarm didn't go off, they stopped to get band aids because their new shoes gave them blisters, so many random events that may have been irritating at the time but ended up being the one thing that saved them. You never know why things happen the way they do but there is a reason for everything.

As we marked the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks it drives home the point that you never know what could happen today, tomorrow, next week, next year. We worry about all sorts of things but the most life altering things are usually things we never even saw coming, they just happen. I'm still not able to look at the footage of that day in 2001 without crying like a baby so I avoided most of the news coverage.

To make a somber day even sadder, I had to attend the funeral of my friend and neighbor who had a heart attack the week before, spent a week in a coma and died at the age of 55. She was out mowing the lawn that morning and going about her day just like any other. As you can imagine, everyone is still in shock. A few weeks ago someone I know was hit by lightening in a fast moving storm, spent a week in a coma and then died leaving behind a wife and three children. What are the chances of that?

What I keep thinking is you just never know when your whole world will be turned upside down. Things like losing weight and working out don't seem so important in the grand scheme of things. Being with family and friends, enjoying every minute of your life and putting the tough times in perspective is what we should be doing, not beating ourselves up over what the scale says or fretting about eating some cake and ice cream.

Even though I've been trying to stay focused on what's most important in life, I've been stress eating and having nightmares about going back to work next week. I know it's a good thing. I've had a good run and should be ready to return to the workforce. I know I'm lucky to have found a decent job in this economy when so many others are struggling to find work. Earning a paycheck is very important but as this last week flies by I find myself mindlessly eating when I'm not hungry and worried about falling back into old bad habits.

I'll be attending my last cardio kickboxing class today since the gym is too far away from my new office to be able to make that lunchtime workout. I love that class and I'm sad I won't be able to continue going there twice a week for a good ass kicking. I'm not sure what my new schedule will be like, where and when I'll fit in my workouts or how I'll be able to handle this transition but I need to try to stay focused on what's important.

Even after all the stress eating I've been doing, I'm a mere 4 pounds away from reaching my goal of losing 101 pounds. It has taken me almost two years to get here and I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to find myself again. I was so lost and miserable and feel so much better than I did two years ago. I need to have faith that I'll be able to handle whatever comes my way because I'm stronger now. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and I don't want to ever go back to that dark and miserable place.

Even though I'm feeling sad, scared and overwhelmed, I realize I really have nothing to complain about. We only get this one life and we should cherish every single moment we can. Change is hard but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Enjoy every single minute because you just never know what the day or the future will bring.

Remember, Life is Good!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

101 Days of Summer Finale

Time flies even faster when the weather is warm or scorching hot and humid. Those were the quickest 101 days of the year, huh? Hard to believe Labor Day is tomorrow. Before we know it there will be Halloween candy to tempt us, and then the big feasting holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, will be right around the corner. Then we'll be making those New Year's resolutions/goals again. Will yours be the same as every other year? Are you in a better place than you were last year? What do you need to do to make positive changes and reach those goals? Let's make the most of the remaining days of 2011. We're not getting any younger, you know.

So, here's my final stats for the 2011 101 Days of Summer Challenge:


6/1/11 101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Starting Weight: 149.5 lbs.
6/10/11 Weigh In: 148.2 lbs.
6/17/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
6/24/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
7/1/11 Weigh In: 148.4 lbs.
7/8/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/15/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/22/11 Weigh In: 147.9 lbs.
7/29/11 Weigh In: 145.7 lbs.
8/5/11 Weigh In: 145.5 lbs.
8/12/11 Weigh In: 147.7 lbs.
8/19/11 Weigh In: 148.6 lbs.
8/26/11 Weigh In: 149.0 lbs.
9/2/11 Weigh In: 147.3 lbs.

101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Total Loss: 2.2 lbs.

Starting Weight (11/2009): 242 lbs.
Current Weight (9/2/11): 147.3 lbs.
Total Loss: 94.7 lbs.

I was relieved to see a loss this week after three straight weeks of gaining. Even though I still haven't reached my goal of losing a total of 101 pounds I am slowly making my way to the finish line at my usual lightening turtle speed. As much as I want to see that goal number on the scale I'm pretty content where I am now. Losing another 6.3 pounds isn't going to make too much of a difference in how I feel but I'm still striving to get there.


I've been staying sufficiently hydrated but haven't been paying much attention to how many ounces I'm taking in.


Have I mentioned how much I love cardio kickboxing? I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be able to make these classes when I go back to work in a couple of weeks. The gym where I take the classes is a 20 minute walk from my new office so I would need a good 2 hours to get there, change, take the class, shower and walk back. The other gym I go to will be less convenient too so I'm going to have to do some research and find a new place to sweat. Lots of changes on the horizon but, as we all know, everything changes and we need to learn how to embrace the changes, good and bad.


I've come too far to ever give up. Quitting is NOT an option!


I don't plan on going anywhere although I have been giving some thought to starting a fresh new blog once I hit maintenance.


Rah, Rah, Shish, Boom, Bah!!! I may not have been the best cheerleader but I'm always cheering you on in spirit.


I still haven't gotten past Week 4, Day 1 of the C25K program but I'm not so hesitant about running anymore. I'm going to complete this program one of these days.


I still haven't reached my goal but I know I'll get there, slow and steady. I only have a little over 6 pounds to lose to reach my goal and it is statistically possible I could do it before I go back to work on the 19th *fingers crossed* It would certainly tie up my time off with a neat little bow. I'm extremely proud of all that I was able to accomplish while hanging out in the unemployment line. Now I need to find a way to make it all work while working.

Thanks to Biz for organizing the 101 Days of Summer Challenge again and a big thank you to everyone who has encouraged and supported me on this journey. We are in this together and we will reach whatever goals we set as long as we never give up trying.

Stay strong, be cool and rock on!

Peace Out!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Feeding My Emotions

The biggest problem with being an emotional eater is that I'm always feeling something. It doesn't matter what emotion it is, I want to feed it. Happy, sad, glad, mad, exhausted, confused, ecstatic, frustrated, disgusted, frightened, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeful, bored, anxious - it doesn't matter, food is what I've always turned to. I'm either trying to stuff the bad feelings back down or celebrate the good ones with good food. One of the biggest triggers of emotional eating for me is stress and I am feeling very STRESSED right now.

As you know, I was laid off in November 2009 and was blessed to have the opportunity to get my life back, focus on my health and happiness and remember what it's like to be happy. I am so thankful to have had the time to get my shit together, lose over 90 pounds and make some big changes in my life but now the bubble has burst and I have to get back to the real world. My unemployment benefits ran out and unless I hit the lottery in the next week I will be going back to the daily grind very soon.

I just got a decent job offer and I know I should be happy about it but instead of celebrating my good fortune of being able to get a job in this crappy economy I want to cry (and eat). I'm so afraid of falling back into the bad habits that made me miserable and obese. The office is too far away from the gym where I take my kickboxing classes so I won't be able to go anymore and that makes me sad. I love those classes. I know there are other gyms and I'll be able to find something in the area but it won't be the same.

I'm such a creature of habit and I don't handle changes very well. I'm so scared of losing myself again, letting stress take over and not having the time or the energy to do the things that make me happy and healthy.

I know many people have much bigger problems and are able to juggle and prioritize all the things they need to do to stay healthy, I just hope I can be one of them in time.

Do you have any tricks or tips on how to make time to workout? I know, just do it, right?

Wish me luck.