Tuesday, April 15, 2008

My Hero

Ali Vincent is my hero! I always thought the Biggest Loser wasn't a fair game even though they calculated the percentage of weight loss instead of the number of pounds. We all know it is easier for guys to lose weight so it is no surprise that there had never been a female Biggest Loser ... until Ali. I was jumping out of my seat when Ali got on that scale because you could see that she knew she was a winner. Even before getting on the scale Ali said she already saw herself winning the title of Biggest Loser in her head, she pictured the confetti coming down and just knew that she was going to do it.

I know it sounds just like "The (BIG) Secret" everyone was talking about - if you believe it, it will happen. It does sound a bit new agey and hippy to say just keep thinking about your heart's desires and eventually they will come true but you can't just think about them, you have to take action to make these things happen.

Whether you want a new job, a dream house, a life partner, weight loss or whatever it is - you have to make the effort to work towards those goals. The dream job or person isn't going to come knockin' at your door and you are never going to lose weight if you keep beating yourself up and thinking deep down that you are a failure. If you think you will fail - you will. I need to think like a Big Loser, I need to accept my body the way it is (even if I don't particularly like it right now) and do the work that needs to be done to get me to where I want to be. I want to beam with happiness when I say "I did it" just like Ali did in the season finale.

I often see myself in many of the contestants of the Biggest Loser. Whether they are using their fat as a shield, stuffing their emotions down with food, using food to make them numb to the heartaches of life, and so other many complex mental issues every fat person has to deal with if they want to get rid of the fat. If you watch the show then you know the trainers always find out "why." Why did you gain weight?

I even had to vote for Mark to make it to the finals because I though Ali would have a better chance of beating him than she would if she went up against Roger. Roger had more to lose even though Mark is a fierce competitor (and bit of a cry baby). I guess there was no reason to worry about who Ali was going up against.

When Ali and Betty Sue got voted off early in the show and Ali said she was going to be the Biggest Loser you could see it in her eyes that she meant it, she believed it, she didn't say "I want to be" or "I think I can" she said I "WILL BE THE BIGGEST LOSER" and I think that makes all the difference. I need to stop saying I'm trying to lose weight or I want to lose weight and just keep telling myself that I can and I will.

I've known for a long time that my weight issues are in my head. I am determined to work on the mental stuff so I will lose this weight and finally get fit. After losing the last 50-60 pounds and regaining it all back I thought maybe I didn't do it right, maybe I didn't learn whatever lesson I needed to learn, maybe I need to keep a record of how I did it so I can get back to that place and not repeat the same mistakes again and maybe that is why I haven't been able to get into the losing mode.

I am done talking about it, I am done agonizing about it, I just need to shut up and do it. I believe I can finally figure this out and I will lose this weight once and for all.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

*Cough* *Sniffle* *Cough*

In the wise words of Rosanne Rosanna Danna (for those of you who are old enough to remember when SNL was funny), "If it's not one thing, it's another." I'm still here and I'm still fighting this battle but it has been one step forward and two steps back.

I've had a miserable cough/cold for almost 4 weeks now and I just can't shake it. I hardly ever get sick *knock wood* but when I do I try to work through it and go about my day like I usually do and now I'm exhausted. I've been drinking shots of a NyQuil cocktail before bed every night and that certainly helps but the DayQuil keeps me in a fog which probably isn't a bad thing considering the atmosphere at my office lately. I've talked to a few people who have had this bug and they're all telling me it is 5-6 weeks before they felt better. I don't think I can get through another 2-3 weeks of this feeling like I've been run over by a truck.

It must be Spring Fever.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.