Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!!!

I've been invited to a few parties but the older I get the less I want to go out on New Year's Eve. There are so many drunks on the road and so many people forcing themselves to get out and do something and be somewhere when the clock strikes midnight on the last day of the year. I'm perfectly happy to stay home and watch the ball drop in Times Square from my comfortable bed so that's what B and I are planning to do. Exciting stuff, huh?

Looking back on 2009 I realize I was pretty miserable for most of it with tons of work related stress and family drama but since I got laid off in November I've been seeing things in a whole new light. I feel blessed to be able to collect (f)unemployment (although I haven't gotten a check YET) and have the time to decide where I want to spend my working days. I know I don't want to ever work in a law firm again and I'm trying to figure out how to use my skills and collect a paycheck without paying for it with soul sucking stress and aggravation.
I'm excited to see what 2010 brings. As I've said before, I'm not much of a resolution person. My resolutions are goals I am constantly striving for every day, week, month, year, decade ... lifetime. Learn to live every single day to the fullest. Be healthy, be happy, love and be loved .... what else is there?
Thank you for joining me on this journey and I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for us. ENJOY!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Coming Out of the Sugar Coma

I'm slowly recovering from the sugar induced haze of the holidays. Holy Christmas Cookies Batman!

I'm happy to say there wasn't any drama this year since my Mommy Dearest decided to stay in Florida. My brother and his husband, my father and stepmonster, and my sister and sister's girlfriend all met up with various family members out of state so B and I didn't have to rush around from place to place which made for a very mellow holiday.

It was pretty low-key with all of B's family together at his brother's house in NH. My niece and nephews are teenagers now so there wasn't that magic of watching Christmas through a child's eye but we had a joyous stressless holiday. We ate way too much food (my sister-in-law makes the best cheese danish that I indulge in once a year), we opened lots of presents and envelopes full of green (B's parents are way too generous), we lost money on the scratch ticket swap like we do every year (I keep saying I'm not going to do it anymore), I learned all sorts of Wii tricks from the nephews (I work up a sweat playing my Wii and my nephews barely flick their wrists around) and we all ate way too many delicious sugary holiday treats. It was a blast and I'm glad it's over.

I have to confess that I had to make the dessert I was bringing to Christmas dinner twice because I stupidly made it a day early and then proceeded to eat half the tray. This toffee cracker stuff is similar to the recipe I used but I warn you, it is like crack and I don't want you to lose yourself in its sugary, buttery, chocolaty goodness. I couldn't stop myself from eating it. MMMmmmm.... A small piece here and a small piece there and next thing you know half the container was gone. How did that happen? I made my version of it with health bar pieces and another batch with vanilla chocolate instead of the semi-sweet chocolate morsels and it was amazing but seriously addictive. I should never make it again because I just can't be trusted around it, just like chocolate covered pretzels. It must be something with the salt and chocolate that flicks the switches in my head to auto-pilot and I lose the ability to stop myself from eating more and more.

Like an alcoholic can't just have "one" drink, I can't just have "one" of almost anything with sugar. I'll have a tiny sliver of cake and then have another tiny sliver and another instead of just having a normal slice from the start. Those 100 calorie packs of sweets don't help me because I'll end up eating the whole box. I know I have issues and I'm working on them.

I know I should be able to enjoy anything in moderation but what if I can't control it? Do I need to avoid it forever or will I eventually learn how to control myself with certain trigger foods? I'm glad all the crack is gone and I got back to my green monster for breakfast today. Fruit is a much better and healthier sugar high for me. It doesn't spike my blood sugar the way white cane sugar does.

Luckily I've been going to the gym faithfully and burning lots of calories on the elliptical and dreadmill so the damage on the scale from all the sugar has been minimal. I didn't lose any weight over the holidays but I didn't gain any either and that is something I don't think has ever happened before. Usually the holidays are an all out food fest and a free pass to gain the usual 5-10 pounds because it's the holidays, right? No, this year is different. 2010 is going to be different. I am different.

Julie over at Smoke Yourself Thin recently wrote a post about whether or not sugar can be as addictive as heroin or cigarettes and for me, I think it is. When I have it I always want more. I can't seem to get enough no matter how much I have and I can't refuse it when it's offered to me. I feel the physical effects of the sugar in my body and a haze come over my mind after a big sugar binge.

I'm detoxing now.

What do you think? Can you be addicted to certain foods? If so, what are you addicted to?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

I've been a very good girl this year so I would like you to show some love to all my blogging friends who should be found on your Nice List, oh, well, ummm ... maybe just a little bit naughty but mostly nice list:

A remedy for Pasta Queen's never-ending headache.

Strength for Jen, a Prior Fat Girl, and her entire family to get through all the firsts without her Mom.
Less frogs and more princes to kiss for Hilly at Snackie's World.

The perfect fitting pair of jeans for Ex Hot Girl (who is no longer an "Ex," just a "Hot Girl" now).

Happy feet for Allison at Doublechinned.

An unemployment extension and a great job for Tammy at From Fat to Fab.

Huge Glo bar sales for Angela at Oh She Glows.

Reliable internet and warm heat for Friend of the Bear.

A super-duper souped up immunity system for Skinny Me.


I had very good intentions of listing EVERYONE on my blog roll and including links but I ran out of time and if I don't send this out now Santa won't get it before he heads out to deliver presents to all you good boys and girls out there. I hope Santa brings you whatever your heart desires.

I truly appreciate all of the love and support you have shown me. You are all so very special to me and I appreciate each and every one of you.

I wish every single one of you a joyous holiday season and I'm looking forward to seeing what we can accomplish in 2010.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, a belated Happy Hanukkah, and a wonderful Winter Solstice. I wish you all peace, love and happiness in the New Year. May all your days be merry and bright.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Life is Unfair

It doesn't seem fair that so many people get taken from us in the prime of their lives. Of course it's sad when someone who has lived a full life into their 90s passes away but it's devastating when someone is robbed of their life while they are smack dab in the middle of living it to the fullest. My lovely friend Lisa fought the debilitating effects of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) for the last 6+ years and is now at peace and no longer having to suffer through the pain.
It isn't any easier when you know your loved one is dying and have to watch them deteriorate before your eyes. You know there is no cure but you still hold out hope that they will be the exception to the rule. They will pull through this and get better because the alternative is too horrible to face. When I was selling raffle tickets for one of the many fundraisers they had for Lisa my old boss kept repeating over and over again "she's going to die," "there is no cure," "you know she's going to die." I knew it in my head but in my heart I didn't want to believe it.

Lisa and I met over 20 years ago and worked together at 2 different law firms. We were more than just co-workers and saw each other pretty regularly outside of the office for the first few years. I attended her first wedding and was there when her marriage ended. I spent an entire day at the vet with her when she thought her cat ate poison (the cat was fine but it took us 6 hours to find that out). In addition to her full-time job she started a cheerleading coaching business where she hired me to be the photographer for the competitions and I would be awed to see her put the young girls to shame when she was showing them new moves and teaching them how to be better competitors. I remember spending a day at the beach together and she couldn't stop laughing as she threw french fries to the seagulls out of my convertible jeep while I screamed and pleaded with her to stop because she knew how much I hated birds. We definitely laughed about it afterward but I didn't think it was very funny at the time. I really have a terrible bird phobia especially with seagulls and pigeons but I couldn't be mad at her because she was just having fun.

I was so happy when she told me she found the love of her life and I was sure I would be going to another wedding as soon as her long-time boyfriend got up the nerve to pop the question and give her a ring. We eventually drifted apart over the years but when we did see each other it was like no time had passed and we would just pick up where we left off. We would often run into each other on the train commuting to and from work and would catch up with each others lives and promise to get together soon.

We both "married" into local political families and would see each other on the campaign trails of our city, luckily we were always campaigning for the good guys and on the same political teams. I would often see Lisa running by my house on one of her regular 7+ mile runs and watch her eyes light up telling me about her most recent vacation where she went scuba diving, horseback riding, dancing, drinking and just having a blast. Lisa loved life and loved to dance.

It was heartbreaking to see such a vibrant young girl lose the ability to walk and talk and eventually end up in a wheelchair unable to do anything for herself. She fought so hard against this brutal disease from the moment of her first symptoms of slurred speech until her final days when she refused to take any pain medication because she wanted to be there and aware with her loved ones all around her.

She was lucky in so many ways but only had 35 healthy years before she had to fight ALS for the last 6+ years of her life. She had the most loving and caring boyfriend who organized massive fundraisers and tirelessly took care of her. He moved them to an apartment building with an elevator so the nurses would be able to take her out during the day after he carried her up and down the stairs for years. Even though she was unable to do anything for herself he knew she would still want to look put together in the latest styles. He took her to the hair salon regularly to have her hair done because she always wanted to change to yet another different style. He would take her shopping and to have her nails done and would always make sure she was treated with the utmost care. Most of all, he stayed and made her laugh through all the pain where lesser men would have run away. She was a beautiful soul and I'm sure she knew how much we all loved her and prayed for a miracle cure.

Every time I b*tched about the stress in my life and about how much I hated my job I would think of Lisa and how she would love to be able to go to work again. When I sat on my a$$ instead of going to the gym I would think of Lisa and how much she would love to be able to go to the gym or just be able to walk into the next room. Whenever I had a bad day I would think of Lisa and how much she would appreciate having a day like mine.

May my dear friend Lisa rest in peace and may they find a cure for ALS so people don't have to suffer the way this brave woman did. Lisa was taken from us too soon but I'm happy she is free from the pain and finally at peace.
Lisa's Words to Live By:
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
- Leanne Womack
I hope you are dancing in heaven now my dear friend Lisa. I hope you dance.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Different Person

I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just 3+ weeks ago. B made a comment the other day that I'm "more lively" now, like I used to be. I knew I was stressed and miserable but I didn't realize how much it affected my life outside of the office. I'm beginning to comprehend how truly unhappy I was because I feel so different now. I've missed this fun, happy, energized person I used to be.

I'll be even happier when I can get my unemployment claim filed. I had to wait for the lousy 3 week severance to be up before I could even file my claim. I'm a little stressed over the financial situation with the holidays here but I'm sure I'll calm down about it when I have a check coming in even though it won't come close to the salary I was making.

I've been getting very good use out of my gym membership. I actually went twice yesterday. *shocker* Today I spent 90 minutes there (50 on the elliptical and and 40 on the treadmill).

My former office manager called me yesterday to tell me he gave my name to someone who was looking to hire. I thanked him for the referral but told him I was going to try to find a job where I won't have to look at a lawyer. I've been abused enough over the years.

I was supposed to go in the office for the staff's Yankee Swap today but decided I didn't want to see anyone badly enough to risk seeing someone I might tell to go F*** himself. I'm so happy to be out of there.

I think it's about time I took some measurements and pictures so I can track my progress because there are big changes going on here. Stay tuned.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

40 Tips for a Better Life in 2010

I'm not waiting until January 1st to make big changes in my life. I've learned it's better to make daily/weekly/monthly goals instead of yearly resolutions. It seems too easy to break those big yearly resolutions and once they're broken I would just wait until the next year to break them again. Not anymore.

My life has changed so much in just the last month. I'm overjoyed to no longer be working in a high stress job, I'm relieved I'll be able to collect unemployment while I figure out how to make a living without having to look at another lawyer, I joined the gym and have time to go, I got LASIK eye surgery and don't need to wear glasses/contacts anymore, and I'm having some major dental work completed. I'm getting excited just thinking about what 2010 will bring. Where will I be this time next year? Where will you be?

Tips for a Better Life:

1. Take a 10-30 minute (or more) walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to _____ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did last year.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of six.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants. Eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least 3 people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, or issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince & dinner like a college kid w/a maxed out charge card. (I believe the saying is "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a price and dinner like a pauper." Junk food is too cheap that it's all a college kid w/a maxed out charge card eats.)

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Love Yourself.

May your troubles be less,
May your blessings be more,
May nothing but happiness come through your door!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

My Blue Eyes

When I got my first pair of glasses in the fifth grade I remember being so excited to see individual leaves on the trees and not just one big mass of green, recognizing the person who drove by and beeped, seeing what the teachers were writing on the blackboard and marveling at every detail of every little thing. I think that was when I first got into macro photography. Everything was so clear it was like I was seeing for the very first time.

I had a love/hate relationship with my glasses. I loved being able to, you know, see but I hated having to deal with finding the right frames, being able to afford the frames I wanted, learning how to play sports without them slipping off and sliding down my nose, dealing with the rain, snow, and fog and fumbling to find them in the middle of the night.

I'm happy to tell you I can see clearly now thanks to the medical miracle of LASIK vision correction surgery. It's truly amazing that I don't need my glasses or contacts after needing them all of my life.

I didn't want to mention it here before I had it because I didn't want to hear all the horror stories of the rare LASIK cases gone wrong. There are always risks with any surgery but after talking to everyone who ever had it and researching the best doctors around for over a decade, I decided to take the risk and just do it. I was extremely nervous after reading all about the rare cases of people who lost their peripheral vision, suffered complications or infection, corneal swelling or thinning, appearance of "floaters" and retinal detachment, hemorrhage, blockage in the veins and arteries of the eye, cataract formation, or the worst possible result, loss of an eye or total blindness. I didn't even tell my mother about it until it was over because she is a worry wort with insomnia and I didn't want her to lose any sleep over it.

The surgery itself was painless and took less than 15 minutes. The waiting was the worst part but once they gave me a Valium I was a bit more relaxed. I elected to have Intralase LASIK/Monovision Myopia (one eye for distance and one eye for reading) which would substantially reduce my need for reading glasses as I get older. After I got my Valium and had numbing drops put in my eyes I was brought into the surgery room and took off my glasses for the last time.

The doctor had me lie down, made sure my eye was positioned directly under the laser and placed a retainer over my eye to keep my eyelids open. This retainer had a suction ring that kept my eye pressurized so the surgeon could cut a corneal flap. It was a little uncomfortable but not painful. The corneal flap was then created with a laser. The doctor used a big sophisticated computer to adjust the laser for my particular eye prescriptions. I had to look at a red dot light for a short time while the doctor watched through a microscope while the laser sent pulses of light to my cornea.

The laser light pulses then painlessly reshaped my corneas. The laser made a steady clicking sound while it was doing its magic and there was a mild burning odor when the tissue was being removed which was weird because they were actually burning my eyes. Ewwww.

I was so afraid I was going to sneeze or move while they were doing this precise work. I think I held my breath almost the whole time. The doctor held my head steady while the machine did its thing. I had to look directly at these bright lights on the machine which felt like I was looking into three suns. My eyes were watering like crazy in addition to the stuff they were squirting in my eyes to keep them flushed out. As the doctor was telling me to look at the light everything went totally white and I couldn't see anything which was a little scary but then it was over in the blink of an eye and I could see.

They sat me up and took me out to a waiting room where they taped these clear round disks over each eye. After sitting with my eyes closed for about a half hour they quickly looked at my eyes through a machine and sent me on my way with various eye drops and an appointment to go back the next day for a follow up.

I had to keep my eyes shut for the first four hours after surgery and then start putting in eye drops every hour and antibiotic drops every four hours. I looked like Jeff Goldbloom in The Fly with the bubble disks over my eyes all night. I had a hard time getting the glue from the tape they used off my face the next morning but I had absolutely no pain and crystal clear vision.

I have some red blotches on the whites of my eyes which was caused by broken blood vessels from the suction but that will go away in about a week or two. My eyes have always been very sensitive to light and they are and will be even more sensitive to bright light for about a month. I have to continue putting eye drops in for five days and have to wear these funny looking goggles to sleep so I don't rub or scratch my eyes.

The surgery was not cheap and my insurance wouldn't pay a penny for it because they consider it cosmetic. I know a few people who traveled to Canada and had it done for a 1/3 of the price but I didn't want to bargain shop with my sight at risk.

It's so exciting to be able to wake up and see everything so clearly without having to fumbling around looking for my glasses. I can't wait to go skiing, snowboarding and snowmobiling and not have to bring my contacts or worry about my glasses fogging up.

I now have 20/20 vision! I'm kicking myself for not doing it ten years ago but hindsight is 20/20, right?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Green Monster Recipes ...

After raving about my first delicious Green Monster smoothie I thought I would put up some links to some of the different varieties out there.

I think Angela at Oh She Glows started it all with the Green Monster Movement. You can find Oh She Glow's reader recipes here. Angela is such an inspiration. She left her stressful, high paying corporate job to follow her passion and start her own baking company, Glo Bakery. Check out her Glo Bars. MMMMmmm...they look even better than Green Monsters, huh?

Annie, The Amazing Shrinking Girl, started drinking Green Monsters back in August. Her recipe here sounds like one I'm definitely going to have to try.

Angie at Angie All the Way regularly drinks Green Monsters too. Some of her Green Monster recipes are on these posts.

I know there are many more of you out there on the Green Monster bandwagon but I don't have the patience to search for anymore links. I love the limitless possibilities of the things you can throw into these healthy drinks. If you have a favorite Green Monster recipe let me know in the comments. Thanks!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Green Monster

I'm not talking about the big green outfield wall at Fenway Park, that is known as the Green Monstah here in Boston. I'm talking about the Green Monster Smoothie that everyone around the blogsphere has been raving about. I made my very first Green Monster smoothie today and it was delicious.

After I got home from the gym today I decided to use up the spinach I had in the fridge and blend it together with some frozen berries and water. I intended on using a frozen banana but I didn't peel the stupid things before I put them in the freezer so I had to throw them away. What was I thinking? How did I think I was going to peel them after they froze solid like a rock? Silly me. I didn't have any soy milk, yogurt or protein powder but I'm going to stock up on that stuff and see how it compares.

My first Green Monster smoothie was filling and very tasty. I didn't even need to use ice because I had the frozen berries in there. It looked more like a Red Monster than a Green Monster from all the berries I put in. MMMmmmmm.... I love spinach but couldn't even taste a hint of it in my smoothie.

There are tons of recipes for different variations of the Green Monster that I'm excited to try out. I'm probably going to get a few bags of different frozen fruits and see what I can come up with. I'm thinking mango and cherry or blueberry and cantaloupe.

Have you joined the Green Monster movement? Do you have a favorite Green Monster recipe? I'd love to hear about what you put in your Green Monster. Tell me all about your Green Monsters.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Judgment Free Zone

I got a month's head start on all those people who make the new year resolution to get in shape. I received a coupon for a 1 year membership for $99 to my local health club so I decided to splurge even though I don't have a paycheck anymore. You can't beat that price.

My bf and a few other friends have deluxe memberships to this gym where they can bring a guest for free so I usually just go with one of them but since I now have more time on my hands and can go anytime during the day I decided to suck it up and pay for my own membership so I don't have to be dependant on anyone else.

Yesterday was my first day at the gym and I felt so good getting all sweaty. I have a dreadmill and elliptical machine at home but it just isn't the same. I get a better workout at the gym just looking at everyone else pushing it and working hard. I only worked out for an hour but I got a good sweat on even though I didn't push it too hard the first day.

I'm going to be hitting the gym like it's my job now so hopefully there will be some significant weight loss to report here in the coming months. Stay tuned.

Monday, November 30, 2009


Today is the anniversary of the day the love of my life came into this world.

I am a very lucky girl to have this wonderful man in my life for the past 26+ years. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my days with him.

Of course we did celebrate with a little homemade cake made by our good friend because it isn't a birthday without cake, right?

I Love You Babe!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Be Thankful

I am thankful for so many things.

If we can afford access to the internet I suspect all of us have our basic needs met. We have an abundance of food to eat, we have clean water to drink, we have clothes (in my case, in multiple sizes), we have a roof over our heads, we have people who care about us, family to support us and so many more luxuries than most people in the world. We are so damn lucky even if our day to day life is one irritation after another.

Many of us have lost loved ones this year but we should remember how lucky we are to have had them in our lives. They will always be in our hearts and happy memories even if they are unable to sit across the table from us today. We need to remember to stop and think about how much we truly have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for you, and you, and especially YOU!

I wish you all in the states here a very Happy Thanksgiving. To everyone else, Happy Thursday! Be thankful you aren't a turkey today.

What are you thankful for?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thematic Photographic 76 - Orange

This is my entry for this week's Thematic Photographic theme which is Orange. I like how the butterfly has a piece of its wing missing. It's beautiful but not perfect.

If you want to join in the Thematic Photographic fun head over to Written Inc. and get all the details.

A Whole New World ...

I feel like I instantly lost 100+ pounds off my shoulders when I walked out of the office for the very last time Friday afternoon. You can't even imagine the relief I felt knowing I will NEVER have to go there or see most of those people again.

When I sent out an e-mail with my new contact information I got a ton of e-mails congratulating me for finally getting out of there. There were so many from former co-workers who had been mistreated and one that really hit home for me. I received this message from a woman who had to sue the firm for disability benefits because she was unable to work and they didn't want to pay her benefits. She wrote:

"Once you have a chance to breathe, I think you'll be happy that you ended the torment. You deserve so much better. I believe things happen for a reason - a higher power steps in - says MB you have suffered enough - time to move on to a new position where you are appreciated."

I am so thankful to the higher power that FINALLY realized I've suffered long enough.

Free at last ....

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's 5:01

I'm out of there.

I'm free at last, free at last, thank G-D almighty I'm free at last!!!!

I'm done being abused.

I can't wait to see what comes next.

It's time to PARTY!

I truly appreciate all the love and support I've received from your comments. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Have a great weekend everyone!


Finally ... it's FRIDAY!

This is it!

This is what I'm going to look like at 5:01 today.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Can you say "Awkward?" was unbelievably AWKWARD. I'm sure tomorrow will be even worse but once I get through those 8 hours I'll be FREEEEEE.

My boss, NOT the DICK but the other one, the one that doesn't want me to leave, the one who fought to keep me, the only person I'll really miss and the only reason why I've stayed at that miserable place for so long, asked me to go out to lunch with him and the new legal assistant, my replacement. I didn't know what to say. I thought to myself "this is a joke, right? really? lunch? with you and my replacement?, I don't think so."

I initially politely declined and told him I had plans and couldn't make it. I didn't have any big lunch plans (that's tomorrow) but was just going to run a few errands around town. I would have loved to go to lunch with just him but didn't think I could handle lunch with him and my replacement. How much can a person be expected to swallow? I'm choking here. I gave him some grief about waiting until my second to last day to offer to take me out to lunch after all these years. We've never gone out to lunch together. We've gone to the bar for cocktails many times throughout the years and partied like rock stars back in the day but never lunch. Just last week he asked me to cut out of work early with him to have a few drinks. We polished off lots of vodka and talked about how much we'll miss working with each other. He thanked me for my hard work, devotion, loyalty and friendship and apologized for not being able to do anything about the whole ugly mess.

After I thought about it for a while I decided to suck it up and go to lunch anyway. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Yes, apparently I am a glutton for punishment. I don't know why I torture myself and agree to things like this but lunch actually ended up being the best part of the day. The new girl is sweet and nice and we spent lunch talking about my boss' new baby, sports, our weekend plans and getting to know the new kid. I'm glad we stayed away from talking about the firm and the weird position we're all in. Of course, I know I have the worst of the situation but can see how uncomfortable it is for them too.

I actually kinda feel sorry for this new girl. She's very young and doesn't have a clue what she's gotten herself into. She doesn't have much experience and these busy litigators are going to eat her up.

The good thing for her is Dick is really trying to make a good impression on her or maybe he just wants to get under my skin by being super nice to her. Dick's already had more non-work related conversations with her in 2 days than he's had with me over the past year I've worked directly for him and the past 10 years before that. I'm sure if you asked him he wouldn't be able to tell you if I'm married or not or even what B's name is.

I just don't get it. I honestly don't know what his problem is. Maybe it's the rebound effect. He was forced to give up his assistant last year and we got stuck working with each other and no matter how good I am he wasn't going to be happy about it. I wasn't happy about it but I made the effort and did my job and he was just downright mean. Maybe I was just the rebound person and we all know that never works out.

I spent the afternoon training the new girl and was doing an excellent job of keeping it together until the new kid asked me if I was excited about leaving. I really didn't know how to answer her and started to tear up and had to walk away to compose myself. I need to toughen up and learn how to hold back the water works. WTF? I don't know why I couldn't have just smiled and said "YES!" She apologized for asking and I apologized for making her uncomfortable. None of this is her fault and I don't think it's fair to start her off on the wrong foot or make her feel bad for walking into this mess.

Tomorrow should be even more fun. Thankfully, I only have to suffer through another 8 hours in that place and after that I will be free from all the misery and stress that has been building inside me over the past decade.

I hope I have enough strength left to make it through the day tomorrow without having a breakdown. I have to keep my eye on the big picture and how happy I am to get out of there. I'm finally breaking out of the concrete box I've been imprisoned in for so long. I'm getting paroled. I can't wait to see what life is like on the outside.

Wish me luck.

True Friends

It's times like these when you find out who your true friends are.

I only have two more days to get through. I feel like I'm getting released from prison where I've served an 11+ year sentence. What will life be like on the outside? I'm excited to find out.

I hadn't talked to many people in the office about my departure because I can't seem to do it without getting all teary eyed. I'm not sad about leaving but I can't help but be hurt/offended/disgusted by how it all went down.

My replacement started yesterday so most people now know I am leaving and have been telling me how shocked they are by what happened. I'm not surprised by anything these people do anymore. I have seen too much over the past decade to really be surprised by their underhanded sleazy tactics.

It's funny how people I've never really been friendly with all of a sudden want to take me to lunch or out for drinks now that I'm leaving. These phony people have never invited me to lunch before but now act like they are my best friends. I politely declined their offers. Why would I want to spend my last days with these fake friends when I can spend it with the people I will truly miss?

I'm starting to get over the hurt and I'm looking forward to whatever comes next. I can't wait to have some time to take care of myself and figure out how to collect a paycheck without having to look at a lawyer. I honestly believe getting away from the stress of that horrible place will do wonders for my mind and body. I haven't been doing anything different with my diet or exercise routine but I lost 3 pounds this past week without even trying. Maybe the key to successful weight loss for me is getting rid of the monkeys (lawyers) on my back.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Training Day

My replacement starts today and I get to train her. That should be fun, huh?

I'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she asks me why I'm leaving. You know she's going to ask. How can I tell her when I don't really know myself. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea what she's getting herself into.

Three more days ....

Give me strength.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Final Countdown ...

FIVE days! That's all I have to get through. Just FIVE days. It seems like an eternity.

I can't believe I only have FIVE more days before I break out of the shackles that have bound me to my cubicle cage for the past 11+ years. After Friday, I won't have to see these abusive lawyers ever again! This is the last Sunday night I will feel sick just thinking about going there. Tomorrow will be the last Monday I'll have to drag myself to the office only to wish the week away, counting the days 'til Friday.

It is going to be a very long hellish week. They've been loading me down with piles of work trying to get as much out of me as they can before they have to deal with a new person. They're going to have to draft their own documents and won't be able to bill $450 an hour for the work I did that they only glance at and sign their name. They want me to bust my a$$ working on things that aren't even due for months. I have trial prep work, billing, massive amounts of discovery (interrogatories, requests for production, requests for admissions), complaints and subpoenas to serve, not to mention the piles and piles of filing, and that's only the stuff I know about. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it.

I wish I could just go in late, take long martini lunches and read blogs all day instead of working like a dog to make their lives easier by getting everything done. What do I care? What are they going to do? Fire me?

Is it Friday yet? I can't wait to do the happy Snoopy dance when I walk out those doors for the last time. Only FIVE more days ...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Work Sucks. Life Doesn't Have To.

I just finished reading Happy Hour is For Amateurs by The Philadelphia Lawyer. I have to tell you how much I LOVED THIS BOOK!

I was nervous when I saw the blurb from Tucker Max on the cover because Tucker Max is a vile, disgusting a$$hole and he's proud of it. I'm not easily offended, hell, most of my close friends are guys who can be really gross, I'm a little embarrassed to even admit I read "I Hope They Serve ...." Don't be scared though, The Philadelphia Lawyer isn't another Tucker Max.

"Happy Hour is for Amateurs" is a brutally honest account of what it feels like to be trapped in a job you hate, selling your soul and toiling away in the dirty vineyards of the law just for the big paycheck. If you've never slaved away years in a concrete box of a big city law firm I'm not sure you will truly appreciate this book.

"Happy Hour" explains why the majority of people working in the legal profession use sex, drugs and rock and roll (and lots of alcohol) to help numb the pain of having to go to the office every single day.

It was the perfect book for me to read in my final days of an 11+ year stint working for miserable SOB litigators. The Philadelphia Lawyer reinforced the fact that I'm lucky to be getting out. I don't have a book deal or any job prospects but I'm praying I'll never have to go back to the soul sucking practice ever again. I'm going to have to keep this book on my shelf to read again in case I ever think of working for lawyers again.

I've only got 1 week and 1 day to go but it feels like an eternity. I hope I can hold out and resist the strong urge I have to stab my pen in Dick's eye. I'd would want to kick him in the balls too if he had any.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Big News

You know how much I hate my job, right? Well, it looks like I'm going to be free from the chains that have held me in this particular concrete box for the past 11+ years.

I got a call from a friend asking me about the litigation position open at my firm because a friend of hers had interviewed with my office manager. As far as I knew, there was no litigation position available which made me think they were interviewing for my position (AGAIN). These people are such sneaky b*stards.

I've had a great relationship with one of the partners I work for so I asked him if there was anything going on and he denied it. I knew he was lying so the next day I told him I heard the office manager had been interviewing for a litigation position and wanted to know if it was for my seat. After a little prodding he admitted that the a$$hole ("Dick") they forced me to work for last year has been on a campaign for the past 6 months to have me replaced because "it wasn't working out." Dick didn't have any complaints about my work, my work was excellent, but he just said he wanted me replaced.

I guess it explains why Dick has been even more of an a$$hole to me over the past 6 months. I'm sure he was intentionally being a miserable pr!ck to me to try to make me to quit. The partner I love working for and the office manager have been fighting with Dick for the past 6 months and telling him it was stupid to lose a good worker and he would just have to deal with it and make it work.

I am in limbo right now and don't know when I will be getting cut loose. I'm sure they will give me as little notice as possible but whatever .... I guess it is better than being blindsided like other people who had been here for over a decade who came in one day to find out it was their last. I'm sure they would have done the same thing to me if I hadn't found out about it. Of course, Dick knows I found out about his campaign but hasn't said two words to me about it. He is a Dick with no balls.

In my entire career I've never left a job without getting a farewell party, cards, gifts, celebratory cocktails, etc. One of the lawyers I worked for even wrote me a song and sang it to me on my last day. It doesn't matter how loyal or how hard of a worker you are, this firm will cut you loose without a second thought. They really are a bunch of heartless b*stards.

Once I get over being sad, disgusted, insulted and disappointed I will be able to celebrate the fact that I'm finally getting out of this hell hole I've been trapped in for over a decade. Of course, the timing s*cks but I'll survive. In the meantime I'm just waiting to find out when I will get that pretty pink slip.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Happy Birthday to the Queen!

Happy Birthday to the Snarkiest Queen of the PRB (People’s Republic of Blogistan). I hope it rained cupcakes in Florida today.
Head over to here to wish Queen Hilly a very happy 29th(?) BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday Cupcake Kisses ...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

If you see the handle of the sharp knife sticking out of my back please pull it out slowly as it's done enough damage on the way in. I didn't expect to be screwed by the one person I thought was on my side. I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone I've respected and trusted over the past eleven years looked me in the eyes and lied to me. He hugged me and reassured me as he stealthily plunged the knife deep into my back. Even after I caught him in his lie and confronted him about it he continued to spin his lie, backpedal and try to throw the blame on others.

I thought we were friends. I thought he had my back and could be honest with each other but it turns out I was very wrong. I guess it's a life lesson I needed to learn. When times get tough you get to see people's true colors and learn who your true friends are. He is not the kind of friend I want to have.

In my head I understand why he did what he did. He was only covering his a$$ but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I always thought he was better than that and believed he was different from the rest of them but I was wrong.

It's going to be hard to get through the next few weeks knowing what I know but I'll get through it somehow. I'm trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and I'll end up in a better place. Only time will tell.

Thematic Photographic 73 - Leaves

I always try to take a few days off around peak foliage season so I can do some leaf peeping and get some good photos. Unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate this year so I wasn't able to get the shots I wanted without the fog and rain getting in the way.

I love watching the colors change and the leaves fall because it means the snow isn't far behind.

If you would like to join in the Thematic Photographic fun, head over to Written Inc., check it out and share your "Leaves."

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Single Ladies

Since the Evil Empire has taken over the Fox Network in their latest bid to buy a World Series I didn't get my fix of Glee tonight. If you aren't watching this show, you don't know what you're missing.

Just check this out.

How can you not love this show?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Party Pooper

You can just call me the Party Pooper, although it wasn't entirely my fault. I was so excited to meet the crazy, witty, wonderful ladies of Aiming Low tonight but my boss had other plans for my night. I ended up getting home really late from work and thought about rushing over to the Sheraton for the last hour of the party but decided to just stay home.

I cried into a big tall glass of pear vodka and raspberry crystal light and had a little pity party for myself. I hope the Aiming Low crew comes back to Boston someday soon so I can show them where to get the best clam chowdah. I'm sure the party at the Sheraton rocked and I'm so sorry I missed it.

If I get my pink slip tomorrow I'll meet you in NYC.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Party in Boston!

Who doesn't like to party on a Monday night?

I can't pass up the opportunity to let my hair down and have a few cocktails with some amazing women. If you are in the Boston area and want to meet the amazing Aiming Low ladies and other fabulous bloggers, head over to Aiming Low and RSVP for the PARTY. I'm sure it will be a blast. I just hope I don't get too star struck by all the rock star bloggers who attend.

If you can't make it to Boston, they will be bringing the party to NYC on Wednesday the 28th.

Time to PARTY!!! Hope to see you there.

Over the Top

Irene at Livin' Large gave me the Over the Top Award (I think). Even if she didn't, I'm going to take it and play along.

1. Where is your cell phone? Somewhere

2. Your hair? Needs color

3. Your mother? Delusional

4. Your father? A$$hole

5. Your favorite food? Unhealthy

6. Your dream last night? Don't remember

7. Your favorite drink? Vodka

8. Your dream/goal? Joy

9. What room are you in? Computer

10. Your hobby? Photography

11. Your fear? Unknown

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? Thick Skinned

15. Muffins? Cake in Disguise

16. Wish list item? Camera

17. Where did you grow up? New England

18. Last thing you did? Paid Bills

19. What are you wearing? Clothes

20. Your TV? Off

21. Your pets? None

22. Friends? The BEST!

23. Your life? In turmoil
24. Your mood? All over the place

25. Missing someone? Always

26. Vehicle? F150 and VW Beetle

27. Something you’re not wearing? Wedding Ring

28. Your favorite store? Bookstore

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? Hour ago

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? B

33. One place that I go to over and over? VT

34. One person who emails me regularly? Mother

35. Favorite place to eat? Out

I think all of my blog reads are Over the Top good so if you're on my list - I mean you.

Thanks Irene. I think you, Sean and your whole family deserves the Over the Top award for all the amazing changes you've made over the past year. If you aren't already reading Irene's blog you should head over there and check it out her amazing weight loss success and then get even more inspired by her husband Sean's journey down from over 500+ pounds.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Change is Good, Right?

So much has happened over the past few days that has my mind spinning, my thoughts jumbled and I'm not sure which direction I'm headed or where I'll end up.

I'm giddy with excitement, happy, sad, mad, hurt, insulted, anxious and scared all at the same time. It's no secret to anyone that I hate my job and have been looking to leave for a long time, especially after getting reassigned a year ago and being forced into a position I knew wasn't going to work out.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to get my thoughts together right now to explain everything that's happened so, for now, I'm just going to say things are changing and I think I'll finally be getting out soon. It may get worse before it gets better but I'm sure it will be worth it.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Who do you want to be?

Be yourself!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just Do It!

Love yourself.

Happy Love Your Body Day!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Working Vacation (oxymoron?)

I'm back!! Oh, wait, you didn't even know I was gone, right? Sorry, I was so anxious to get out of the city I forgot to publish the post telling you all that I was heading to Vermont last week so we could work on enclosing the addition on our camp.

We got most of the standing seam metal roof on (we were 5 panels short so they're on order), got the power pole moved, put in the last two windows and enclosed the remaining walls. It was really hard, backbreaking work but it was better than being in the office. B did most of the roofing by himself because I was too chicken to get up on the back side of the roof. It was way too high for this klutz but I did lots of ground work and my muscles are aching.

It looks like this is the week we should have taken off to work up there. We woke up to about 3 inches of snow on Tuesday which would normally make us very happy but since we had an open roof it wasn't what we wanted to see. Of course, the temps are supposed to be in the 60s this week which would have been much better for working outside instead of shoveling snow off the open roof.

Our friend, Sam, came up to visit for a few days so we took a break on Wednesday (her birthday) and went to Danville to do the corn maze and get some maple peanut butter (mmmm...). The only other time off was two hours on Saturday when we took a ride on the ATVs. It was our first and only ride on the season since hunting season started and the trails will be closed once we get back up there in two weeks.

It wasn't the best vacation and I certainly didn't get to relax much but we got allot accomplished. My head started hurting yesterday afternoon just thinking about going back to work. I'm dreading going back to the office today but I don't have any other options since none of my lottery tickets were big winners.

So, what did I miss? What's going on with you? I have over 700 items in my feed reader so it will take me a while to catch up. Hope you are enjoying the change in seasons and I'll do my best to get caught up on what's going on out there.

UUGHHH ... back to work.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Go Ahead - Make My Day

There is one surefire way to make a 40+ year old woman feel good - card her. B and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a volcano bowl to share (mmm...volcano bowl). After the waiter took our order he walked away and returned a minute later to ask for my ID. I could have kissed him. I said "me?" "really?" "how old do you think I am?" "THANK YOU!"

Before I hit legal drinking age many moons ago, I used to pray I wouldn't get carded but when it happens now it makes my day. I think one of the only positive things about being overweight is that it plumps out the wrinkles and makes you look younger. I'd gladly trade 80+- pounds for a few wrinkles though.

*Updated to add photo of Volcano Bowl for those who said they've never seen/heard of them.

Monday, October 5, 2009


I am so STRESSED OUT! Yeah, I know, nothing new here, right? I don't think I can handle it much longer without medicinal intervention.

My days at my current job are definitely numbered. Now if I could only find a new job so I could begin the countdown. Damn crumbling economy, when is the job market going to turn around?

I go to the office every day thinking "will today be the day I run screaming from this place?" I once worked with a girl who wasn't nearly as stressed out as I am these days who ran out of the office screaming "F*CK YOU! F*CK ALL OF YOU!" and was never to be seen again. I wish I had the balls and the padded bank account to do that. She is my hero.

The worst part about being so miserable at work is I've been trying to numb myself in the afternoon by inhaling chocolate and caffeine. It's not good. Maybe it's time to see a doctor about getting some pills to chew on instead of chocolate. I think there is a reason why STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards. Why can't an apple or banana make me feel as good as a chocolate bar?

Any suggestions on how I can make it through 40 hours a week in a miserable position and resist the urge to stuff my face or stab my boss?

Is it Friday yet?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Out of Control

I feel so out of control and unable to get a handle on my weight, well, I can get ahold of some serious love handles but that is the problem. I've been trying to work through all the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for most of my life, trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, why I need to stuff down my emotions with food instead of feeling them, why the food seems to be more important than my desire to lose weight. I'm wondering if I will ever really figure it out.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight and not making any progress. I'm beat down by the compulsive eating and binge episodes and the despondency I feel after I do it. I'm sick of not being able to wear 90% of the clothes in my closet. I'm desperate to change my life and feel good about myself again. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and have been living at rock bottom for years now.

I can't take it anymore. It's time to pull myself up, stop making excuses, stop stuffing my emotions with food and start making changes. It's obvious I need to change my ways if I want to get this weight off. The only good thing about being at rock bottom is there is nowhere to go but up.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Biggest Loser - Season 8

I have to admit I have a love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. I've watched every season and will continue to watch it but there are so many things that really annoy me about the show. Here are just a few reasons why I hate it:

1. It's Dangerous. When people have to be med-flighted out of the first physical challenge because they collapse from exhaustion and dehydration, they are obviously working out way beyond their physical capacity. Some of these people probably haven't walked around the block in years but they are supposed to run a mile in the heat on their first day? I'm just waiting for them to seriously injure or kill someone the first day. It is scary.

2. The Big Sell Out. Do they really need the revenue from ALL the Product Placements? Brita water bottles, Wrigley's gum, Protein Powder, etc. etc. The show is extremely popular so I don't think they really need to pimp themselves out with all the product placements. Oh, don't even get me started on the fact that Jillian is hocking diet pills.

3. Repeating/Repeating. I realize Americans have a short attention span but is it really necessary to repeat what we just saw 3 minutes ago before the commercials? This is the biggest reason why I'd rather record the show instead of watching it live.

4. Abuse. I can't deny they get results but I don't think I would ever pay a trainer to get in my face and scream and swear at me. Jillian scares me. I know it is done for the shock value and makes for good tv but I don't find it to be motivating, I think it's mean.

5. Rapid Weight Loss. Every weight loss article and doctor recommends losing 2 pounds per week and these people are losing 5,8,10,28 pounds in ONE WEEK. That just doesn't seem right, does it? It breaks my heart to see people being disappointed and voted off for losing 13 pounds in a week. How is 13 pounds not enough to lose in a week? I know I would be thrilled to lose 13 pounds in a month.

6. Tears. It makes me cry like a baby. I know I am super sensitive but I was balling my eyes out from the first 3 minutes until the previews.

There are other things that irk me about the show but I think these are the biggest ones. Even though I have a long list of things I don't like, I love watching it and don't think I've ever missed an episode. The reasons why I overlook all of the above:

1. I can relate. I see a piece of myself in almost every one of the contestants. I may not weigh as much or have the health issues they have but there is always something I can relate to.

2. Inspiration. I get inspired to get off the couch and work out. If these people can work out for hours and pour buckets of sweat, I can get on the treadmill for an hour, right? If someone who weighs 100 pounds more than me can push themselves to do it, so can I.

3. Changes. I love seeing these people change their lives. It takes a few episodes but eventually we get to see the moment when these people "get it." They flick the switch and accept that they have to change their lives if they want to lose weight and get healthy.
4. I LOVE BOB! I still don't know what team he plays for but he is HOT!

5. Live Blogging. The only good thing about watching the show live instead of recording it is being able to participate in Fat Bridesmaid's live blog. It's so much fun to watch the show with my blogger friends.
The best thing about this show is that it encourages me to kick up my own weight loss efforts and I can use all the encouragement I can get.
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
UPDATE: Check it out, Hilly asked me to republish this post on Snackie TeeVee. How cool is that? I feel honored. Thanks Hilly.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Begging for Change

People who want to lose weight know they need to change the habits that made them fat. Change is hard and change is scary but it is inevitable. Everything changes. Change is good and we should stop trying to fight it.

We can't keep doing the same things, getting unsatisfactory long term results and repeating the process over and over. That's not change, that's going in circles. Most people who are successful in losing weight stop eating crappy chemical laden foods, watch less tv, eat real healthy fruits, vegetables and protein, and move their bodies regularly until they work up a good sweat and they commit to a different healthier lifestyle. If they are successful they change their bad habits with good and they change their lives.

This post is really about a different kind of change unrelated to weight loss but it shows that no matter how much we crave change and even beg for it but we have to be willing to accept it.

I was walking down the street during my lunch hour in downtown Boston last week when I noticed a nickel on the ground. I pick it up since in these tough financial times, every little bit helps, right? Before I put the found money in my pocket I notice a "homeless" guy I see all the time in the same spot standing there with his cup jingling. I've seen this guy for years and he has never been very nice whether I give him money or not but whatever. I drop the nickel in his cup with a smile and walked past only to hear a coin drop in front of me. I turned to my friend and asked "did that guy just throw the nickel at me?" WTF! Really? Was it not enough? Does he only accept quarters or dollars? Was he offended I picked it up and didn't add to it before giving it to him? I guess since he doesn't pay taxes he can afford to throw money away.

I think this experience just goes to prove that even if we are out there begging for change we have to be able to accept it when it is given to us.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Never Forget

It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since the life of Americans changed forever. We will never forget that day.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Manual Labor Day

Every muscle in my body aches and I didn't even hit the gym this weekend. We've been building an addition on our camp and spent the entire weekend raising the roof. I went up and down and up and down the ladder so many times my legs were shaking by the end of each day. My shoulder is throbbing and I can barely make a fist with my right hand because it's numb from using the framing nail gun, that thing is heavy.
As much as I hate my office job I know I'm not cut out for construction work. There's a reason it's called MANual labor. I don't know if it was the country air or pure exhaustion that made me sleep so well but I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Bill was dancing all over the roof without anything to hold on to while I was moving like a snail afraid of falling with every single step. We got the roof raised and will hopefully get it enclosed and protected from the elements the next time we're up there.

It was so nice to have a three day weekend up north although I wish I got some time to relax. Between Bill being sick and in the hospital all last summer and building the addition this summer it seems like we haven't had any time to play. I really need to get some play time.

The weather was so beautiful and we were able to get allot accomplished so it was a very productive weekend. Hiking up and down the ladder onto the roof is a better workout than any stair machine I've ever been on. I didn't get any traditional workouts in over the weekend but I can definitely feel the burn. Time to find my muscle relaxers.

Monday, August 31, 2009

One is Never Enough

I'm a prime example of that potato chip commercial that says "I bet you can't have just one." I don't have an off switch and can never stop at one of anything. Those of us that suffer with a compulsive binge eating disorder there is no such thing as "just one." No matter how much I try to convince myself I will only have one or a single serving, I just can't stop myself from going back for more and more until I'm sick to my stomach.

Don't ever wait ten minutes to ask me for a lifesaver out of a pack I just bought because they will probably be gone by then so I don't buy them anymore. I inevitably end up eating one after another. Some people use gum as a trick to keep from eating but I will chew piece after piece until the entire package is gone. I'll start out by portioning out a handful of crackers or other snack but will keep going back for handful after handful until I've emptied the box.

The only way to stop this compulsive eating is to not start in the first place. Once I start eating I don't know how to shut it off even if I feel full and my stomach hurts. It is in my head and I'm not sure how to shut it off to stop it. The times I have been successful with weight loss have been when I completely avoid those simple carbs that never seem to fill me up no matter how much I eat. I think the simple carbs are a trigger for me to just keep eating more and more and never feel like it is enough.

This mentality is the reason I can't keep snack foods in my house. I can't handle the temptation and I can never have just one. I need to learn how to control this compulsive eating because no amount of time sweating on the treadmill will make up for the out of control binges.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Original South Beach Diet

My brother likes to say there is only ONE diet that always works. It's the Original South Beach Diet: vodka, cocaine and cigarettes. It's extremely effective but can only be used by the young and stupid and I am neither.

I still enjoy a little Stoli, Grey Goose, Kettle One or Absolut now and then but I haven't touched blow since sometime in the mid-80s and I kicked the cigarette habit around the same time back when they cost $1.25/pack.

I'll admit it's tempting because you definitely get results quick and it's so easy to do because when you're drunk or strung out on nose candy you don't even think of food and we all know that cigarettes kill your taste buds but I think I'll keep trying the old fashion tricks of eating healthy foods and moving my a$$.

Things were so much easier when I was young and stupid. What's the worst effective diet you've tried?

Monday, August 24, 2009

No More Cake!

So many birthdays, so much cake. Is it really necessary to eat cake to enjoy the celebration? Isn't it enough that I bring a card and a gift? Just because I refuse the cake doesn't mean I'm not celebrating your birthday. Why does everyone push the cake like crack when you work up the strength to say "no thank you"? Saying "No" is hard enough without you trying to change my mind and convince me that I must have a slice. Yes, I'm sure I don't want any. No, not even a little piece. Really, I'm sure.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always give in to the cake pushers. Honestly, I don't want any more cake, I don't need any more cake, I'm trying to get years worth of cake off my a$$. Please stop pushing the cake. Please!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

How bad do you want it?

I ask myself this question every single day. If losing weight is so important to me, why do I keep screwing it up?

I spend every day trying to make the right choices and doing what I have to do to get this weight off but after a long stressful day at the office my defenses are down and I end up stuffing my face with foods that are NOT on my healthy eating plan. Maybe I should start going to sleep as soon as I get home from work. Either that or have my jaw wired shut after dinner.

This has got to stop. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Any suggestions on how to stop acting like a spoiled child and start acting like I really want to lose weight? I really really want it BAD!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Hear Me Roar

If you are not one of Jack Sh*t's 307 followers you don't know what you're missing. Jack usually posts lighthearted crazy lists, rhyming posts and fart jokes but when he comes up with something serious it just blows me away.

His post today was brilliant. You can read it all here. What really made me think was when Jack asked:

"Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.
There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life. This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.
It’s time for you to roar."

WOW! What a powerful post, huh? My roar sounds like a meow but I'm working on it. I will ROOOAAAARRRR!

Time for me to get my Sh*t together. Thanks Jack!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

More to Love

This show should change its name to "More to Hate." Most of the women on the show are just setting themselves up for ridicule and pain. It was painful to watch the looks of despair and desperation on their faces while they were waiting to see if they got their ring back.

I don't know why I tortured myself by watching it again. This show is NOT about "real" women; it's more about women who have no self esteem who want to pin their hopes on some cheesy sleazy guy just because he doesn't have a problem with the size of their a$$. UGGHH!

I guess it's only fair to tell you that I hate all these type of shows. I don't know how anyone can think they're in love after just meeting someone in this kind of set up and then fighting dozens of others for their affection. I'm sure it's great for the ego of the one person who gets to do the choosing but I'm afraid of what it's going to do to these already fragile women. If this were a show about real people they would have woman of ALL sizes and wouldn't focus all the attention on weight and food.

I don't think I can force myself to watch another episode of this show or my head may just explode. No more "More to Love" for me.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Working for the Weekend

It is no secret I absolutely HATE my job. I despise 98% of the lawyers in my office and feel physically ill walking in the doors every work day. I know it's not healthy and if I didn't desperately need the paycheck I would have quit a long time ago. I've been sending resumes, going on interviews and praying I can find another job so I can get out of there before I lose my mind but this economic crisis is making it almost impossible for me to leave.

I try to psych myself up everyday telling myself "don't let them get to you," "only "x" more hours to go," "it's not personal, they are a$$holes to everyone," "let the rude and obnoxious comments roll off," and "rise above it all" but it is physically and mentally draining to have to do this over 40 hours every week.

I'm so happy it's FRIDAY! Only 9 hours to go ....
* My apologies to the few good/honest/considerate/normal lawyers out there (all 3 of you).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Tragic Loss

Here in the world of weight loss blogging we do allot of navel gazing. We agonize over our fat and how desperately we want to get rid of it, we struggle, we work hard, we encourage each other and we spend so much of time fretting over what the scale will tell us. Did we eat enough fruits and vegetables? Did we refrain from eating sugary treats and fattening stuff? Did we workout hard enough and long enough?

Some fellow bloggers feel like family even though we've never met in real life. These are the people who cheer for our successes and encourage us to keep trying when we slip up. We feel like we really know them because they let us into their lives through their blogs. Some of us inspire (not me) and some of us get inspired by the successes of the weight loss rock stars.

We spend years of our lives worrying over our weight when it really isn't important at all in the big scheme of things. Of course we need to take care of ourselves but it is more important to live our lives RIGHT NOW, not after we lose "X" amount of pounds.

I've spent all morning crying over the tragic death of Kimberly Emmert, a woman I never met. Kimberly is Jen's mother who was struck and killed by a man backing out of a driveway as she was walking her grandson yesterday afternoon. I imagine she walked this walk many times and yesterday was just another day out walking until tragedy struck and she was gone.

Jen has been an inspiration to me and I loved reading her Mom's comments on her blog. Her Mom was always encouraging and supportive of her and it was a joy to have a peak into a healthy mother-daughter relationship. It is something I wish I had.

Today is the day Jen was hoping to hit the 100 pound loss goal she set for herself two years ago.

Do you think Jen even gave a second thought to what the scale said today? I have a feeling she would gladly take back all the weight she worked so hard to lose if she could have her mother back.

Life is too short to waste time stressing over our weight. Yes, we should eat healthy, exercise regularly and do whatever we can to live a long and healthy life so we can be with our family and friends. We don't know how long we have and we need to cherish every moment. Don't waste another minute of your life.

Live your life to the fullest RIGHT NOW and be sure to tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. You never know when they will be taken from you or you taken from them.

My heart is breaking for Jen and her family. I will be keeping them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope they are able to keep Kimberly alive in their hearts with their happy memories.

Friday, July 31, 2009

I'm Back

I made it back to the wagon with a little help and encouragement from all of you. I was determined to prove I can turn things around and not let a few slip ups set me up for a free fall down the rabbit hole of bingeing and having to suffer a big gain. I think I've got things under control now. We'll see how long it lasts.

I resisted the muffins/pastries/croissants/bagels and stuck with the fruit for breakfast, had a healthy lunch and relatively healthy dinner and did not give in to the urge to snack and binge. I feel better now that the high concentration of sugar flowing through me has been diluted by fruits, veggies and chicken.

It's good to be back. Thanks for all the support. You guys are the BEST!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Slippery Slope

It seems that one bad decision tends to lead me down the wrong path every time and I need to find my way back on the weight loss wagon. Ever since "the birthday cake" I have been eating more than I should and even bought and binged on chocolate covered pretzels (a trigger food for me) the other day.

Enough is enough. I'm clawing my way back. I will not give in to the muffin's siren call today, I will stick to the fruit, eat a healthy salad for lunch, go shopping for healthy dinner stuff and get back on the wagon.

Sometimes it isn't just that one piece of cake or one slip up but what you do after that that really matters.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Let Them Eat Cake

UGGHH!! I ate way too much birthday cake ....

My birthday was weeks ago and I got through it without having any cake but I certainly made up for it this weekend. My SIL made a delicious white cake with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles for me last night so, of course, I had to eat it. It was really good but I wish I didn't eat it. I definitely have eater's remorse.

I wish I had been strong enough to turn it down but I'm not (yet). Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be seeing a loss this week. Looks like nothing new going on here.

MMMMmmmmm ... cake ... mmmmmmm .....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Want It NOW!

I'm so sick and tired of it all. I want to throw my scale out the window and watch it smash into a a thousand little pieces. I'm frustrated that one slip up in my diet negates a week's worth of hard work. If being fat is so unhealthy, why do our bodies fight so hard to keep it?

I want to eat what I want in reasonable portions. I want to stop the binge monster that forces food down my throat until I feel sick. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be able to wear all the clothes that are bursting out of my closet. I want to stop the crazy thoughts in my head. I don't want to fight this fight every waking moment of every single day. I want to stop whining about my weight and get it under control already.

WHAAAAAA! I sound like the spoiled brat, Veruca. I want it and I want it NOW!

Thanks for coming to my pity party. Hopefully I'll have something positive to post soon.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

To Binge or Not to Binge?

It's a stupid question and the answer is obvious, right? "NOT" is the answer, right?

It's logical that I gain weight when I stuff myself full of crappy food but shouldn't the flip side of that be that I lose weight when I don't binge?
For the past couple of years my weight has basically stayed the same whether I'm eating healthy and working out or sitting on the couch stuffing my face with crap. How is that possible? This body of mine is just so f'd up from years of abuse I don't think it knows what to do anymore.

I lost 5-6 pounds last week when I was home sick on vacation but they jumped right back on this week even though I resisted the cake, ice cream, muffins and other calorie bombs launched around the office.

I think I may have figured out what is making me fat .... work! Does anyone have a cure for that?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Two Faced Man in the Mirror

Why do we wait until people are dead to appreciate them?

I've been home on sickcation all week so I've been watching way more tv than usual. I'm shocked at the non-stop media coverage over Michael Jackson's death. Not because the King of Pop doesn't deserve to be recognized for his talent but because 98% of these celebrities and media people who are crying their hearts out over his death are the same people that were calling him wacko jacko and slinging his name through the mud for the past four years.

In my heart I never believed MJ was guilty of hurting those kids. He seemed like such a kid himself who was never allowed to be a child or have a normal life. I grew up listening and dancing to his music. I thought he was a brilliant performer and a very good looking guy until he went too far with the (obvious) plastic surgery. I think he loved Diana Ross so much he wanted to look just like her. I don't think he ever liked what he saw in the mirror and kept trying to change the face that looked back at him.

Does anyone remember who his accusers were and how much money they got? I honestly believe he was framed by some greedy people who knew how deep his pockets were and how easy it would be to suck the money of out them. We forget that people are innocent until proven guilty. He was never convicted but he was ridiculed and exiled for years.

I think we should appreciate and honor people while they are alive. Don't wait 'til they're dead and gone to show your love.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me ...

42 years ago today I came into this world fighting. I was a twin but, unfortunately, the other baby didn't make it through the delivery.
Yikes! 42!!! I can't believe I'm 42 and still fighting with my body.

I don't think I've really looked forward to my birthday since I turned 21. After you hit all the milestones the only thing the day of your birth marks is getting another year older. I suppose the alternative of not having a birthday is worse so I guess I should just enjoy it.

I started this blog not long after I turned 40 and thought I would certainly be at my goal by now. Here we are 2 years later and I've lost a total of 8 pounds. Well, I've lost much more but gained it back over and over again. You know the drill, right? I need to get off this damn roller coaster I've been riding for so long.

So, I'm still fat and now I'm another year older. I know it isn't going to get any easier and the longer it takes me to get a grip on things the harder it's going to get. I'm sick of struggling and just want to get to a place where I can be happy with what I see in the mirror. I don't want to be "skinny" I just want to feel good when I look in the mirror, I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel strong and know I'm living a healthy life.

I've been on vacation this week and had planned on going to the gym every day and planned on really pushing myself to a higher level but I've been sick (coughing and wheezing) since early Sunday morning so it hasn't happened. I couldn't even get out of bed Monday let alone get to the gym. UGGH! I'm feeling a bit better today so I'm going to try to get a workout in but I don't think I can push it too much with such diminished lung capacity. I'll probably just take a walk and try to do some light weights. Every little bit helps, right?
Well, I'm not giving up the fight. The fat will lose this battle. I am making a vow that I will not be writing a similar post on my 43rd birthday. I'm not getting any younger.