Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Maze

I never understood why people would pay money to walk around in a corn field. I'm sure the farmer down the road from our camp would let us walk through his for free but I was surprised that I had so much fun. On our way in we overheard a woman saying she made good time - it took her 2hrs., 15min. One of the "helpers" on one of the many bridges told us he had a family that was in the maze for over 5 hours! I told my friends that if we were in the maze for more than 3 hours I was taking the emergency exit and getting the hell out. Five hours is way too long to be inside a field of corn unless you are a farmer and it is harvest time.

So we start by getting a card to track our progress by stopping at pole punchers. We had to stamp our cards at randomly placed hole puncher poles with different shaped punchers at each one. You have to punch your card and find out whether you just went in a big circle or whether you were in a different part of the maze. When we finally made it through (1hr., 15 mins.; very good time) there was an aerial photo of the maze with all the symbols of the pole punchers marked so you can see what route you took. We were laughing going in circles and trying to mark the trails with rocks and arrows - it was hysterical.

It dawned on me later that the corn maze is like a weight loss journey. First you have to decide to go to the maze, drive down some winding back roads, through small villages, stop and ask for directions and finally make your way to the start of the maze. Going into the maze you have to pick one of the four different paths - Eeny, Meeny, Miney or Moe. Just like the number of diets out there. Each path will eventually lead you to your goal but you have to chose one and stick with it or go back and start all over again on a new path.

The object of the maze was to find our way to the Bell of Success. We were so excited as we rounded a corner and found what we thought was the Bell of Success but sadly realized it was the Bell of Frustration. We found all the clues, walked up and down hills of corn and still ended up stuck in the maze. You can eat right, exercise and do all the right things and still not see progress on the scale. You get frustrated and sometimes give up.

My weight loss battle has taken me down the same paths over and over again. I have rung the Bell of Frustration way too many times. Nobody can assure me that this time I will get on the right path. The guides on the bridge try to confuse you just like your friends or family may sabotage your weight loss efforts or how each new miracle weight loss scheme out there promises that if you follow their advice you will achieve your goals. Nobody can tell you which way is the right way for you. You need to find your own path, go at your own pace, take a few wrong turns here and there and, hopefully, not have to be rescued or take the emergency exit.

I'm working my way through the maze but I don't even know if I'm going in circles and won't know until I get to the end and I'm able to see the map and check the route I took. When you're inside the maze you have no idea where you are, you can go up and down the same path numerous times, keep coming up to the same pole punchers and think you've found success only to reach the Bell of Frustration.

I have been lost in the weight loss maze for years. I have worked hard only to end up ringing the Bell of Frustration. I have to keep moving forward and marking my way so I can finally reach the Bell of Success and get the hell out of the maze. When I finally finish and get out of the maze I'll finally be able to look back and see how I got there, where I went in circles, which wrong path I took and I'll know how to get through it. It will seem so easy after I find the right path and get to ring the Bell of Success. DING!! DING!! DING!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Good Advice

Why is it so hard to take our own good advice? So many of us write posts about how we screwed up, we binged, we're disgusted with ourselves, went over our points, didn't exercise or didn't do this or that but then we'll go and leave comments for others telling them that they can do it, it was just a slip up, get back on track, stay positive, it will happen, you can do it. Why don't we listen to what we tell others? We sympathize with everyone except ourselves.

From now on I'm going to try to talk to myself as I would a friend. I would never call a friend a fat ass but that is what I think when I look in the mirror. I would never tell a friend she disgusts me but will think it when I eat in excess. I would never call a friend lazy but will think it every time I miss a workout.

I want to be positive and look forward to a healthy new life. I am determined to get there and stay there this time. Treat yourself with the love and respect you show to your friends. Who knows, this might be the missing link. Maybe I just need to believe in myself.

Just like the L*Oreal commercials say "I'm worth it" and so are you. Be good to yourself and start taking your own good advice.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Thank You!

I just wanted to say thank you to every single one of you that found your way here and took the time to leave words of encouragement. I never thought it would mean so much me to to get comments from "strangers." I have been lurking around your blogs for so long I feel like I know you intimately; hey, it's like being famous when people you have never met think they know you personally.

I was having such an awful day when I read Crabby's words of wisdom and it made me so grateful you are all there.

A special THANK YOU to Bean (my very first visitor); Chubby Chick (an amazing cheerleader), Amy, Princess, Savy, Elissa, Scale Junkie, the truly Amazing DietGirl and Crabby. In addition, even though they haven't commented here (yet), I'd also like to shout out a big thank you to the incredible shrinking Pasta Queen and the very witty and talented Wendy because they were the first blogs I started reading and I wouldn't have found you all without them (in a six degrees of separation way).

Can I have your autograph? I'm a huge fan!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Broken Record

There is a broken record going round and round in my head. It is scratchy and grates on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. It isn't a catchy tune and I don't want to hear it all day/every day for the rest of my life. The lyrics change from time to time but there is always a general theme: "fat ass, when are you going to get your shit together, are you going to be fat forever, you have to lose weight, you are too fat, what are you waiting for?"

I think about weight loss constantly but can't seem to consistently lose weight and keep it off. On a good week I can lose those 2 pounds but will gain them right back on the weekend and then start all over again. It is such a vicious cycle, it makes me dizzy and I want to get off. I'm sick of losing the same 2 pounds over and over again. It is so frustrating.

Is it the lack of a structured eating schedule on Saturday and Sunday? Do I think I deserve to eat what I want because I was "good" all week? Why do I find it so difficult to resist food I know I will regret eating? I regret it as I'm eating it but I continue to chew and swallow. Why do I make myself miserable by eating foods I know are sabotaging my efforts to lose weight?

I can go out to dinner or a party with the best intentions. I play all the diet girl games and know all the weight loss tricks. I drink lots of water, don't go hungry, fill up on veggies, stay away from the buffet table, take pictures so I keep my hands occupied and not reaching for the snacks but I always end up eating more than I planned and regretting every single bite.

If weight loss is so important to me why do I keep making the same mistakes? I suppose the bright side is I haven't given up yet. I haven't thrown in the towel. I know my future me does not want this body. I'm still determined to figure this out and give her the body she deserves. Eventually I'm going to smash that record into little pieces.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Broken Scale/Eviction Notice

My scale must be broken. It has been stuck in the same position for weeks and has not budged one iota. Maybe I should get a new digital scale that shows every fraction of a pound so I can see a loss no matter how negligible. I'd be happy with a tenth of a pound right now. I've been eating right and moving my ass but the scale refuses to move downward. WTF!

I'm probably retaining water or gaining muscle or whatever but when I work hard I want to see the results on the scale. I feel like the damn thing is mocking me. I think I heard it snickering at me this morning "I'm going to mess with your head." It is an evil appliance and I'm so tempted to hurl it right out the window. Why should it have the power to make me feel good or bad?

I know I shouldn't stress over the numbers on the scale. Eating right, exercising and living a healthy life should be enough of a reward but I want to see a lower number, dammit! I'm doing the right things so eventually my body will realize it has to give up its fight to keep the fat, right?

I realize muscle weighs more than fat and I know there are numerous reasons why I may not see a loss on the scale. I've screwed with my metabolism so severely over the years I have to work harder and harder each time I get serious about losing weight. My body has gotten very attached to all the fat it has been living with for so many years but it has to go now. The fat party is over. I'm hereby giving my fat an eviction notice. Hey Fat, "Get out and stay out! I can't live with you anymore. You are no good for me. Get out of my life. I hate you. You make me sick. You need to go far far away and never come back. Just go! Do you hear me?? Get out!!!"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Huge Loss

Unfortunately, this post is not about my weight loss. The city I live in recently suffered a huge loss. Our Mayor lost in the primary election yesterday because many of his supporters did not think it was important to vote in the primary election. I spoke to many people who said they were just going to vote for him in the general election but they will not get a chance to do that because he had to make it through the primary to be on the ticket for the general election. People really don't seem to understand how important it is to get out and vote.

I have voted in every election since I turned 18. I didn't always vote FOR a candidate but sometimes had to use my vote for the person I disliked the least. Our Mayor was the only person I wholeheartedly supported because he was an honest man with integrity and our city was being run by a bunch of thugs who were using taxpayers' money for their own personal gain.

It scares me to think what will happen to my city now. My choices in November will be (a) a nice guy with lots of money but totally unqualified; and (b) a lying, cheating, back stabbing, back door dealing bad guy who wants to bring back the corruption we just got rid of last term. I'm not confident in either of them but will definitely get out and vote.

I wonder what would happen if our right to vote was taken away. Would anyone care?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Is Brit FAT?

I'm sure everyone has seen Britney's recent VMA performance by now. Even if you didn't watch the VMA's you must have seen clips or pictures from it on the news, entertainment shows, magazines or computer sites. If you have been living under a rock and haven't seen it yet you can check it out here.

I'm sure most people would agree that it was not the spectacular comeback it was advertised to be. I think most would agree that the weave, wig or whatever it was did not look pretty, the *dancing* was more like a low class beginner's strip show and most people were probably wondering what kind of drugs she was on or when she was going to stumble right off of those 5 inch CFM boots.

What I can't understand is how they can call her FAT! Do you think she looked fat? Ok, she wasn't a lollipop head stick figure but she certainly was not fat. I'm not a fan but I just can't believe people think she is FAT. If she is FAT, what am I?

I don't think her outfit was flattering at all, she doesn't have her teenage body anymore and wasn't very tone but she absolutely was not fat. She should and could have worn some amazing designer outfit that would have shown off her curves and she would have looked fabulous but she basically wore a sparkly bra and panties (I guess we can all be glad she was finally wearing panties).

I would be ecstatic if my body were as *fat* as hers. Come on people, just look at her stomach. This girl just had TWO BABIES in the last three years. I'm sure this is one of the reasons why virtually every woman in this country has some sort of eating disorder or issue with their weight no matter what their size.

What is wrong with us? Why are we being encouraged to be a size 0 or 00? What is that about? I don't think it is attractive to have a layer of skin on top of your skeleton. I like my curves (although right now I admit there is way too much jiggle over them). Woman are supposed to have curves. That is the way we were made. We are not supposed to look like pubescent boys.

It depresses me to think that even if I got down to my goal weight some people would still think I was fat. That is just so messed up and makes me want to scream. I find myself yelling at the TV or shaking my head and muttering to magazines headlines "SHE IS NOT FAT."

Brit may be strange or just a bit kooky, she may or may not be a good mom, she may make very poor choices in men, she may party too much, she may need some serious fashion advice and a good hairdresser and she may forget to wear underwear most nights but she is absolutely 100%, no doubt about it in my mind, NOT FAT.

Would you be happy with Brit's body? Would you feel fat if that was the body you saw in the mirror? How would you feel if you looked like that and people were calling you fat?

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Sick of Salad

I am so sick of eating salads, grilled chicken, baked fish, and all the other *healthy* foods I constantly force myself to eat (except watermelon -yumm). I was choking down my salad with grilled chicken at lunch on Friday. I would take a bite and want to spit it out. It just wasn't cutting it. I ended up throwing half of it away when I usually eat the whole thing. I felt ravenous all morning and was planning on getting the fish but the deli ran out so I was stuck with the same ol' thing. In the past I have been successful losing weight by eating lots and lots of salad. I've tried every type of salad out there. I experiment with different lettuce, toppings, dressings and protein but it is still just a salad.

I think that is why so many people can only stay on a healthy eating plan for short periods and then they get bored to tears and give up by eating something delicious and sinful.

What do you do when you are just sick and tired of eating the same boring foods? "Mix it up," you say? But what do you mix it up with? A different kind of lettuce, a new species of fish, a free-range turkey, tofu? Please help before I fall asleep in my chicken kabob salad.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Where do you find inspiration?

Do you carry a photo of a slimmer or fatter self? Do you put pictures of models with your dream body on the refrigerator? Do you have skinny jeans or a dress you want to fit into hanging where you have to see it every day? Do you watch all those weight loss programs and infomercials looking for the key? Do you read weight loss blogs (obviously you do if you are reading this); but do they inspire you?

I find that I am more inspired by the average person than the celebrity who can drop the baby weight or lose 50+ lbs for a movie roll or photo shoot in a matter of weeks. I don't know why I think it is easier for the rich and famous to lose weight. I guess I assume they have more time and resources to keep them healthy. Maybe I need to get a trainer to get my fat ass to the gym or hire an amazing chef to cook some tasty healthy meals but deep down I know it doesn't matter how fat your bank account is - it is the decisions you make each and every day.

The rich and famous have more of an incentive to look good while the average person can go through life hiding from the camera and avoiding the mirror if we want to. I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw my fat ass on the cover of a magazine with some horrific headline like "it is not a fat suit." *shudder* Just knowing that there are high power zoom lenses out there trying to get an unflattering shot of the dimples on your thighs or butt must give them a kick in the ass to put in that extra hour of cardio or pass up the dessert or extra glass of wine. Shouldn't being healthy and feeling good be incentive enough?

I try to find inspiration everywhere. I am constantly inspired by some of the amazing woman out there in the blogsphere. I find inspiration in every new post of many successful (and still working it or just started) weight loss heros. Jennette is the PastaQueen who has lost more than half of herself and is thisclose to her goal; Shauna is the DietGirl who really isn't on a "diet" anymore but the name kind of stuck; and Erin at Lose the Budda is finally getting comfortable in her size 10s. These are just a few of the incredible shrinking woman out there who prove that if you can commit to a program of eating well and moving your ass you can reach your goals (or find you are happy without actually reaching that magic number). Thanks for showing us that it is not always easy but it is possible.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Where is the track ?

I can't seem to find the track. How do you stay on track? When I'm following WW and stay within my points, I'm on track; when I'm following Atkins and stay away from carbs, I'm on track; when I'm following OA and stay away from all the white stuff, I'm on track; when I'm following Jenny Craig and eating their prepared food, I'm on track. I've tried all of these things and so many more. I've spent years on track but my track has just been a vicious circle. My track just keeps going round and round. I'm so dizzy I could puke. I've taken the track and it always leads me right back to where I don't want to be. Where is the on-ramp to the track that will finally get me to my destination? What is the destination? Will I ever be happy with my body? Will I continue to struggle with it every single day of my life?

I'm at my highest weight of all time and still can't find the motivation to get serious about losing this weight. What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever have my "ah hahhhh" moment when I break through whatever is holding me back and be able to lose it and keep it off permanently? What if I can't find the right track?