Saturday, December 22, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I'm so disappointed that I am no more closer to my goals now than I was back in July (just spinning wheels, round and round). I need to get my priorities straight and stop f'n around. I want this, I've wanted this for decades, I NEED to do this right this time. The sugar highs cannot be more important than my happiness. What am I trying to stuff down? Where is my strength to stop that fat girl's cravings and binges? She must be stopped. I need to dig out the root of my disordered relationship with food and learn why I keep making the same mistakes and repeating history. I can't keep letting the fat girl win the food battles - she is killing me.
I'm not giving up but I'm not going to make myself miserable over the holidays. The pressure of the season and the semi-annual 3 week long visit from "Mommy Dearest" is pushing me to the edge. On top of everything I just can't handle looking at the needle on the scale anymore. It is just too frustrating and depressing. I want to celebrate the holidays without the weight loss noose around my neck.
An amazing woman gave me some very good advice today (thanks Savy) and I'd be a fool not to take it. So here's the plan:
My goal is to NOT gain ANYTHING from this point forward until January 1st. I will not worry about losing weight right now; I'm just going to hold the line. This seems easy enough since that is what I've been doing lately but the catch is I am not going to weigh myself for the rest of the year. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, write it down, and then I will not get on the scale again until January 1st. This will be tough because over the years (decades?) I have gotten into the bad habit of weighing myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day). I don't think I'll miss getting on the scale and seeing the same number day after day but I'll need to find a place for my scale to spend the holidays. I'm going to have B hide it in the basement or bury it in a closet because I don't think I can resist its daily call; like food, if I see it I'll want it. So, bye, bye scale - see you in January.
I will also do a minimum of 30 minutes of some physical activity every day, even Christmas, even if it's just a slow walk. That's it. That is the goal for the rest of the month. I'm sure some of you will think this is a cop out but I think it will be good for me to regroup and get myself together for the amazing journey I will take for the last time.
In January 2008 I will post my weight and pictures (well, ahhh ... ummm, I'll have to work on the pictures), I will set very specific short term and long term goals, and I will get rid of this fat once and for all. I'm going to recharge my batteries, find that spark and get ready to kick some fat ass in 2008. Until then I'll be here holding the line.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I don't know why I can't get in that weight loss mode again. I've been thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, obsessing about it but, honestly, I haven't put in the effort to exercise more consistently and stop the binging. In the past week I've had cake, ice cream, candy, bread, cookies, pasta and every other carb loaded food out there in massive quantities.
Oh sure, I have moments of towing the line. I've been walking to the train station more often, I've been getting a work out in here and there but I have not been consistent with any of it. I've had some good days followed by days eating candy, pizza, chips, cookies, cake, ice cream and today I ate chocolate jimmies right out of the container (ugghh). What am I doing to myself?
What the hell am I waiting for? Why is my body fighting me? Doesn't it remember how good it feels to not carry all this extra weight? Where is my weight loss mojo?
At this point I'm hoping to just get through the holidays without any further expansion of my ass.
Monday, December 3, 2007
I don't know about you but I'd be ecstatic if my *ss looked like that in a bikini. She is so far from being fat. Love responded to the fat phobic tabloids stating "Like all women out there should, I love my body, I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong." Amen.
Taking pictures of minuscule amounts of cellulite on celebrities is not entertainment. I am so sick of reading how HUGE some celebrity has gotten when she is barely out of single digit sizes. It makes me sick. Women are supposed to have curves, right? How do we bring the Marilyn Monroe, Rubenesque, voluptuous body back in style? These magazines and shows pretend to worry about eating disorders and the epidemic it has become while models are collapsing on runways and woman are dying from starvation but that doesn't stop them from running full page ads of a bit of dimpled thigh with big headlines announcing who has let themselves go and has gotten SO FAT.
How can the average woman compare and live up to these unrealistic standards? It is not surprising that even the most healthy woman have issues with their bodies and don't believe they can ever be thin enough until they are in the hospital being fed through a tube too weak to stand and will still look in a mirror and think they are FAT. What are we doing to the woman of the world? Who decided that you can never be too thin? I'd love to see them in a bikini.
Love should LOVE her curves. Even Weetabix agrees, we LOVE Love. Love ROCKS!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
I filled my plate with lots of the healthy vegetables and tried to stay away from the fried appetizers, stuffing, smashed potatoes and sweets. I had very small portions of the stuff I love but didn't overdo it and didn't go back for seconds which is a vast improvement over previous years.
I think it is easier to socialize without overeating when you have healthy options available. I'm not one to be packing snacks in my purse but I just tried to fill up on the healthier stuff, drink lots of water and try to focus on the company and not the food.
The strangest thing is I actually kept the 3 pounds I lost last week off. I usually gain it back over the weekend but I didn't this week. I didn't eat any differently over the weekend so I'm not sure what that is all about. My body is just so messed up from years of dieting that I can work out like a maniac, eat rabbit food and gain but when I have a week with a holiday meal including bread, stuffing, potatoes, cake and pie I lose. There is no logic to the magic of weight loss. It really is a crap shoot.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
And now it's the HOLIDAYS (HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY)!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
She spent the better part of 4 hours talking about a sexual harassment problem she is having at work (and 2 of her brothers died in the last year) so it wasn't a jolly, laughin' drinkin' fun time.
She is extremely upset because she overheard one guy say to another (across the hall in another cubicle) "I bet you could make her scream" and a few days later she overheard these two guys and a few others talking about their favorite positions (again, across the hall in another cube). I have so many guy friends that it probably wouldn't even phase me to overhear that. Guys talk that locker room trash all the time. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do ... oh sorry ... this is serious stuff ... right?
She is so sensitive and traumatized by this that she's been losing sleep over it, doesn't want to go to work, can't make it in on time, and has been sending out resumes even though she really likes the job. She complained to management who said they have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of stuff so they had a little chat with the trash talking boys. Now my friend feels that these guys are shunning her. She wants to file a lawsuit but I honestly don't think she has a very good case.
These guys had always been polite to her and never said anything directly to her or even in the same room as her. They didn't know she was still in the office when they made these comments. I told her I think she would be wasting her money on a lawyer and if she was that uncomfortable about it she should start looking for a new job. Would you be offended, complain to management, talk to the guys yourself, laugh it off, or do nothing?
I'm not saying it's right but I don't think it's worth giving up a good job. She may be uncomfortable about it but I don't think she has a case for sexual harassment. Ya know, guys will be guys - they try to act like tough sexual animals around each other and brag about their stamina and sexual prowess. I didn't want to tell her she is overreacting. I felt bad for her but I really think she is sacrificing a great job because of a couple of guys talkin' smack.
I only had one cocktail but I wanted many (especially after the first 2 hours). We split an appetizer of pumpkin ravioli with some sort of reduced vinegar drizzle, I had an entree of rosemary chicken, asparagus and garlic potatoes and we split an amazing dessert of white chocolate, cream, fresh strawberry piece of heaven. I didn't stuff myself and the portions were very small so I don't think it was THAT bad although when you're trying to lose weight any dinner out is over the limit. Restaurants do not skimp on butter, oil and other fats to make their food taste amazing.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a work lunch at the very same restaurant today. The portions were twice as big and 1/3 of the price on the lunch menu. Why do restaurants charge so much more for dinner. I can understand a few extra dollars but this place had $7-12 lunch dishes and $18-30 dinner entrees. I always feel ripped off - I hate that. I did much better calorie-wise with the lunch. I had a delicious chicken, spinach, tomato and green bean dish (no cocktail, no appetizer and no dessert).
I'm hoping to get through the rest of the week without having to eat out again. It is so much harder to control how many calories I consume when I'm at a restaurant. I try to make good choices (I really wanted a cheesy pasta dinner) but it isn't easy.
I'm looking forward to winter so I can hibernate (actually, I love winter and can't wait to get out and play in the snow). I wonder how much weight a bear loses by hibernating through the winter. Maybe I need to sleep the weight off. Hey, maybe that is the next new diet craze ... they put you to sleep for a few months, feed you through a tube, put you on a machine that exercises your body and you'll wake up thin. I bet people would do it. They'll put you to sleep and you can LOSE 30 POUNDS IN 30 DAYS. It will be all the rage, the celebrities will be flocking to the sleeping spa. Just dream of your new body and wake up with it. Hmmmm ... wouldn't it be nice.
I want to get a good solid week of healthy eating in before facing the big bird next week. I'm determined to get through the weekend without regaining. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Unfortunately, my willpower didn't last through the weekend. I had ice cream, I had bread, I had pasta, I had more food than I should have but it wasn't a total disaster. I did eat all that stuff but I had reasonable portions so it wasn't a complete swan dive off the diet wagon just a little bump in the road.
I have been trying to look at the bright side of my weight loss efforts. I haven't been beating myself up because I haven't seen any real downward movement in the scale. I haven't used the lack of weight loss as an excuse to say "screw it." I'm not giving in this time. I've been drinking more water, I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, I've been eating much less sugar and simple carbs, and I have been getting more exercise. I'm trying to get satisfaction just going through the motions of eating right and moving move. Eventually the scale will have to give in and show me a loss, right?
I'm afraid to go all out, hard core, balls to the walls weight loss mode because that is what I've always done in the past and look where I ended up. I would be on a plan, any plan, and follow it religiously. I would lose "x" number of pounds and gain it back plus more. I know if I completely cut out the sugar and carbs I will lose weight fast but I want to lose it permanently this time. I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I'm going to try the (very) slow and steady routine and see what happens.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
There is something so different and delicious about eating foods you have grown (or just picked). I'm not sure if it's because it's so much fresher with no preservatives or because it hasn't been touched by any other hands; it's hard to explain. My in-laws had a garden at their farm in VT and before that I didn't even like zucchini. I've picked fresh strawberries on a hot summer day. They tasted like someone had poured sugar on them - they were sooooo sweetest. Fresh corn is one of favorites (and the corn maze is a blast too). It doesn't even need the butter and salt I usually use on store bought corn. I once spent a day picking potatoes, wrapped one in foil and cooked it in a bonfire that night. It was the most amazing potato I ever tasted in my life. Too bad it was such back breaking work I'll never pick them again.
I absolutely love the winter (yeah, I know I'm in the minority) but I hate that all my fruits and vegetables have to come from the market or frozen in the winter months. I'm going to try to eat more apples and other fruits and veggies this winter even if they don't taste as good.
Do you notice the difference between fresh and store bought? What do you do when the snow falls, the farmers' markets are gone and you're stuck with supermarket or frozen varieties?
I'm going to cut up a fresh apple right now before it snows.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of food that comes with the holiday celebrations. First, there is the Halloween candy everywhere. Everyone is pushing sugar, sugar and more sugar. The store isles are filled with tons of it and every desk in my office has a "trick or treat" dish staring at me. After coming down off the sugar high we have to get through the holiday that is basically all about the food (turkey, stuffing, smashed potatoes, pies, cookies, cake, etc.). We give thanks for the abundance of food and curse it at the same time as we slip into a food overdose coma while watching football. After you get all the Tryptophan out of your system the holiday parties start. Friends want to get together for a cup or two (or ten) of holiday cheer, the gift baskets of food get delivered to the office, relatives visit and bring all their special dishes, Christmas celebrations abound, New Year's drinking ... oh, give my strength. Where do I buy fashionable holiday blinders so I can avoid looking at and giving in to all the temptations?
I want to go out and enjoy myself over the holidays. I want to celebrate but I don't want to get to the start of another year fatter than the last. I need a plan to get through these next couple of months without gaining even more weight. I'm at my highest weight ever and I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds for months.
Maybe I should just concentrate on not gaining, making the best choices I can and getting as much exercise as possible. I'll concentrate on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor and away from the buffet tables. I'll be the Dancin' Queen. Dancing burns calories, right? What do I do at the parties without a dance floor? The parties where the entertainment is food and booze.
How do you get through social events without diving off the weight loss wagon?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
From now on I'm going to try to talk to myself as I would a friend. I would never call a friend a fat ass but that is what I think when I look in the mirror. I would never tell a friend she disgusts me but will think it when I eat in excess. I would never call a friend lazy but will think it every time I miss a workout.
I want to be positive and look forward to a healthy new life. I am determined to get there and stay there this time. Treat yourself with the love and respect you show to your friends. Who knows, this might be the missing link. Maybe I just need to believe in myself.
Just like the L*Oreal commercials say "I'm worth it" and so are you. Be good to yourself and start taking your own good advice.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I'm sure most people would agree that it was not the spectacular comeback it was advertised to be. I think most would agree that the weave, wig or whatever it was did not look pretty, the *dancing* was more like a low class beginner's strip show and most people were probably wondering what kind of drugs she was on or when she was going to stumble right off of those 5 inch CFM boots.
What I can't understand is how they can call her FAT! Do you think she looked fat? Ok, she wasn't a lollipop head stick figure but she certainly was not fat. I'm not a fan but I just can't believe people think she is FAT. If she is FAT, what am I?
I don't think her outfit was flattering at all, she doesn't have her teenage body anymore and wasn't very tone but she absolutely was not fat. She should and could have worn some amazing designer outfit that would have shown off her curves and she would have looked fabulous but she basically wore a sparkly bra and panties (I guess we can all be glad she was finally wearing panties).
I would be ecstatic if my body were as *fat* as hers. Come on people, just look at her stomach. This girl just had TWO BABIES in the last three years. I'm sure this is one of the reasons why virtually every woman in this country has some sort of eating disorder or issue with their weight no matter what their size.
What is wrong with us? Why are we being encouraged to be a size 0 or 00? What is that about? I don't think it is attractive to have a layer of skin on top of your skeleton. I like my curves (although right now I admit there is way too much jiggle over them). Woman are supposed to have curves. That is the way we were made. We are not supposed to look like pubescent boys.
It depresses me to think that even if I got down to my goal weight some people would still think I was fat. That is just so messed up and makes me want to scream. I find myself yelling at the TV or shaking my head and muttering to magazines headlines "SHE IS NOT FAT."
Brit may be strange or just a bit kooky, she may or may not be a good mom, she may make very poor choices in men, she may party too much, she may need some serious fashion advice and a good hairdresser and she may forget to wear underwear most nights but she is absolutely 100%, no doubt about it in my mind, NOT FAT.
Would you be happy with Brit's body? Would you feel fat if that was the body you saw in the mirror? How would you feel if you looked like that and people were calling you fat?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I think that is why so many people can only stay on a healthy eating plan for short periods and then they get bored to tears and give up by eating something delicious and sinful.
What do you do when you are just sick and tired of eating the same boring foods? "Mix it up," you say? But what do you mix it up with? A different kind of lettuce, a new species of fish, a free-range turkey, tofu? Please help before I fall asleep in my chicken kabob salad.
Friday, September 7, 2007
I find that I am more inspired by the average person than the celebrity who can drop the baby weight or lose 50+ lbs for a movie roll or photo shoot in a matter of weeks. I don't know why I think it is easier for the rich and famous to lose weight. I guess I assume they have more time and resources to keep them healthy. Maybe I need to get a trainer to get my fat ass to the gym or hire an amazing chef to cook some tasty healthy meals but deep down I know it doesn't matter how fat your bank account is - it is the decisions you make each and every day.
The rich and famous have more of an incentive to look good while the average person can go through life hiding from the camera and avoiding the mirror if we want to. I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw my fat ass on the cover of a magazine with some horrific headline like "it is not a fat suit." *shudder* Just knowing that there are high power zoom lenses out there trying to get an unflattering shot of the dimples on your thighs or butt must give them a kick in the ass to put in that extra hour of cardio or pass up the dessert or extra glass of wine. Shouldn't being healthy and feeling good be incentive enough?
I try to find inspiration everywhere. I am constantly inspired by some of the amazing woman out there in the blogsphere. I find inspiration in every new post of many successful (and still working it or just started) weight loss heros. Jennette is the PastaQueen who has lost more than half of herself and is thisclose to her goal; Shauna is the DietGirl who really isn't on a "diet" anymore but the name kind of stuck; and Erin at Lose the Budda is finally getting comfortable in her size 10s. These are just a few of the incredible shrinking woman out there who prove that if you can commit to a program of eating well and moving your ass you can reach your goals (or find you are happy without actually reaching that magic number). Thanks for showing us that it is not always easy but it is possible.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I'm at my highest weight of all time and still can't find the motivation to get serious about losing this weight. What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever have my "ah hahhhh" moment when I break through whatever is holding me back and be able to lose it and keep it off permanently? What if I can't find the right track?
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I don't know if I'm ready to post all the numbers. There are so many people out there who are so open about how much they weigh and what their measurements are but I am so embarrassed about my weight. I don't think I have the courage to put it out there for everyone to see. I'm going to start off by working off 70 pounds and hopefully will find the courage to post some pictures and some measurements. I'm not even going to think about how many weeks that will take. I'm just going to work on getting there when I get there.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I don't know what happens to my brain on sugar. Is it like that commercial with the egg in the frying pan? . . . this is your brain, this is your brain on SUGAR *SMASH* your brain is a bunch of egg yoke all over the walls.
Why do I torture myself with thoughts of weight loss while simultaneously eating an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels (and I'm not talking about the little individual serving size either)? I haven't done this in at least a month but it has happened more times than I care to remember.
Every waking day of my life is a struggle to resist overloading on sugar or carbs. Every family function, every day at the office, every BBQ and birthday party is a struggle. Just last week at the office there was a party to celebrate a new baby (Jen's) and a wedding (Dena's); there was a vanilla cake with strawberries, a chocolate mousse-type cake and a full set up of Brigham's ice cream with all the fixings (jimmies, hot fudge, whipped cream, etc.). I need to find the strength to be able to attend these things without giving into the temptation. I know it is possible to resist, I've done it, but it just sucks. How do you handle all the temptations? Do you become anti-social? do you tie your hands behind your back? wire your jaw shut? pretend you are happy to sit and celebrate with a glass of water or tea? How the f*** do you celebrate with celery?
I think it would be easier to give up crack (thankfully I don't have any first hand knowledge of this - I have enough problems). Crack isn't something you have to do multiple times a day, you can't buy it everywhere although I'm sure most high school kids could tell you where to get it, and you couldn't do it just about everywhere, every single day for your entire life or you will die. You have to eat, right? You can't just say "I'm going to get clean," "I'm going to give up food," "I'm going to stay away from the places where they have food," "I'm going to rehab." In the words of Amy Winehouse "I say NOOO, NOOO, NOOO." You can't just give up eating and after 40 years I can't seem to figure out how to do it right.
I need to find answers, I need to find the key, I need to flick that switch in my brain, I need to retrain my brain and stop my hands from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm getting desperate. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
I'm trying to work up the courage to post some "before" pictures so you can see what I'm dealing with but I can hardly stand to look at pictures of myself let alone put them on the world wide web for all to see but I'm working on it.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Hello, my name is MB and I'm addicted to sugar.
Monday, August 20, 2007
I am going to try to focus on getting more exercise and increasing my endurance. All my previous weight loss attempts, whether they were successful or not, revolved around the food. The more I restricted my food the more binge episodes I would have. It is a vicious cycle and I have to get out of it. I'm hoping that if I concentrate on working out regularly that the food will follow. I obviously need to pay attention to both but I can't always be obsessed with every morsel that gets past my lips. It is a slow start but hopefully slow and steady will finally win the race.
I'm not going to obsess about the numbers on the scale or whether I put too much dressing on my salad. I want to change my lifestyle and finally feel good about myself. I want to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I always wonder if I didn't start that first diet whether I would still be wearing a size 10 and looking like an average girl.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I know how to lose the weight. I've done it before - numerous times. My past diets are an extensive list. I can't even remember them all. I've done all the crazy and not so crazy diets, just like everyone else in this blogging weight obsessed community. Every magizine is full of before and after photos, celebrities who lost a ton or gained a ton, she's too thin, she's too fat, it is so insane. I wanted to scream when I saw an article where they zoomed in on celebrities' cellulite with lenses more powerful than the hubble telescope. They ripped these woman apart. They were NOT fat. They barely had a dimple on their thighs and then they wonder why every woman in this country has some sort of obsession with their weight and is obsessed with trying to fit the mold.
I'm not looking to fit in any mold. I have curves; I don't want to look like a teenaged boy. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I don't want to spill over the seat on the train, I want to feel sexy for my boyfriend, I want to want to have sex (it's been a while), I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I really, really want it. So, if I REALLY want it why do I keep binging, why do I keep eating things that I know are bad for me, why, why, why? I think about my weight constantly, I read tons of weight related blogs (my hero is pastaqueen). PQ has lost more than half her weight by . . . DIET and EXERCISE!!! I started reading her blog when she was much heavier than I am now. I was determined to lose weight along with her. She is almost at her goal and I still haven't really gotten started. We all know HOW to do it - eat less and move more. Sounds so simple, huh? My problem is in my head. I will eat until I feel sick and promise myself I will never do it again, I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday, I'll have good days and then it all falls apart. I spend so much energy thinking about it, doing it and then having to start all over again. I don't want to do it anymore.
I've had successful attempts at losing it. I lost about 60 pounds about 10 years ago on Jenny C. but gained it all back. Five years ago I lost around 65 pounds on a modified South Beach/Atkins/OA-type diet. Basically I didn't each anything white for more than a year (no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, or flour). It was torture but I felt great, I looked pretty good and then I ate a crouton and blew up like a deer tick. Obviously, I ate more than a crouton but you get the idea.
Currently I am at my heaviest weight EVER. I can't stand it. I'm smarter than this. I know I can lose it but what I can't figure out is why I keep sabotaging myself and gaining it all back. I'm so much happier when I'm able to buy "normal" size clothes, feel fit and like what I see in the mirror. I can barely stand to look in a mirror these days. I am disgusted. I need to change. I don't want to spend the next 40 years in the yo-yo cycle. I am determined to figure this out!
My goal is to lose at least 70 pounds. I can't even believe I have that much to lose (AGAIN) but I do. That is not an unrealistic goal. If I look at charts for my height I should probably lose more like 80 or 85 pounds but I'm not going to stress out about getting to a specific number, I just need the number to go down.
I'm hoping by writing here I will be able to get the motivation I need to not only lose it, AGAIN, but to keep it off. Wish me luck!