Friday, July 31, 2009

I'm Back

I made it back to the wagon with a little help and encouragement from all of you. I was determined to prove I can turn things around and not let a few slip ups set me up for a free fall down the rabbit hole of bingeing and having to suffer a big gain. I think I've got things under control now. We'll see how long it lasts.

I resisted the muffins/pastries/croissants/bagels and stuck with the fruit for breakfast, had a healthy lunch and relatively healthy dinner and did not give in to the urge to snack and binge. I feel better now that the high concentration of sugar flowing through me has been diluted by fruits, veggies and chicken.

It's good to be back. Thanks for all the support. You guys are the BEST!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Slippery Slope

It seems that one bad decision tends to lead me down the wrong path every time and I need to find my way back on the weight loss wagon. Ever since "the birthday cake" I have been eating more than I should and even bought and binged on chocolate covered pretzels (a trigger food for me) the other day.

Enough is enough. I'm clawing my way back. I will not give in to the muffin's siren call today, I will stick to the fruit, eat a healthy salad for lunch, go shopping for healthy dinner stuff and get back on the wagon.

Sometimes it isn't just that one piece of cake or one slip up but what you do after that that really matters.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Let Them Eat Cake

UGGHH!! I ate way too much birthday cake ....

My birthday was weeks ago and I got through it without having any cake but I certainly made up for it this weekend. My SIL made a delicious white cake with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles for me last night so, of course, I had to eat it. It was really good but I wish I didn't eat it. I definitely have eater's remorse.

I wish I had been strong enough to turn it down but I'm not (yet). Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be seeing a loss this week. Looks like nothing new going on here.

MMMMmmmmm ... cake ... mmmmmmm .....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Want It NOW!

I'm so sick and tired of it all. I want to throw my scale out the window and watch it smash into a a thousand little pieces. I'm frustrated that one slip up in my diet negates a week's worth of hard work. If being fat is so unhealthy, why do our bodies fight so hard to keep it?

I want to eat what I want in reasonable portions. I want to stop the binge monster that forces food down my throat until I feel sick. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be able to wear all the clothes that are bursting out of my closet. I want to stop the crazy thoughts in my head. I don't want to fight this fight every waking moment of every single day. I want to stop whining about my weight and get it under control already.

WHAAAAAA! I sound like the spoiled brat, Veruca. I want it and I want it NOW!

Thanks for coming to my pity party. Hopefully I'll have something positive to post soon.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

To Binge or Not to Binge?

It's a stupid question and the answer is obvious, right? "NOT" is the answer, right?

It's logical that I gain weight when I stuff myself full of crappy food but shouldn't the flip side of that be that I lose weight when I don't binge?
For the past couple of years my weight has basically stayed the same whether I'm eating healthy and working out or sitting on the couch stuffing my face with crap. How is that possible? This body of mine is just so f'd up from years of abuse I don't think it knows what to do anymore.

I lost 5-6 pounds last week when I was home sick on vacation but they jumped right back on this week even though I resisted the cake, ice cream, muffins and other calorie bombs launched around the office.

I think I may have figured out what is making me fat .... work! Does anyone have a cure for that?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Two Faced Man in the Mirror

Why do we wait until people are dead to appreciate them?

I've been home on sickcation all week so I've been watching way more tv than usual. I'm shocked at the non-stop media coverage over Michael Jackson's death. Not because the King of Pop doesn't deserve to be recognized for his talent but because 98% of these celebrities and media people who are crying their hearts out over his death are the same people that were calling him wacko jacko and slinging his name through the mud for the past four years.

In my heart I never believed MJ was guilty of hurting those kids. He seemed like such a kid himself who was never allowed to be a child or have a normal life. I grew up listening and dancing to his music. I thought he was a brilliant performer and a very good looking guy until he went too far with the (obvious) plastic surgery. I think he loved Diana Ross so much he wanted to look just like her. I don't think he ever liked what he saw in the mirror and kept trying to change the face that looked back at him.

Does anyone remember who his accusers were and how much money they got? I honestly believe he was framed by some greedy people who knew how deep his pockets were and how easy it would be to suck the money of out them. We forget that people are innocent until proven guilty. He was never convicted but he was ridiculed and exiled for years.

I think we should appreciate and honor people while they are alive. Don't wait 'til they're dead and gone to show your love.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me ...

42 years ago today I came into this world fighting. I was a twin but, unfortunately, the other baby didn't make it through the delivery.
Yikes! 42!!! I can't believe I'm 42 and still fighting with my body.

I don't think I've really looked forward to my birthday since I turned 21. After you hit all the milestones the only thing the day of your birth marks is getting another year older. I suppose the alternative of not having a birthday is worse so I guess I should just enjoy it.

I started this blog not long after I turned 40 and thought I would certainly be at my goal by now. Here we are 2 years later and I've lost a total of 8 pounds. Well, I've lost much more but gained it back over and over again. You know the drill, right? I need to get off this damn roller coaster I've been riding for so long.

So, I'm still fat and now I'm another year older. I know it isn't going to get any easier and the longer it takes me to get a grip on things the harder it's going to get. I'm sick of struggling and just want to get to a place where I can be happy with what I see in the mirror. I don't want to be "skinny" I just want to feel good when I look in the mirror, I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel strong and know I'm living a healthy life.

I've been on vacation this week and had planned on going to the gym every day and planned on really pushing myself to a higher level but I've been sick (coughing and wheezing) since early Sunday morning so it hasn't happened. I couldn't even get out of bed Monday let alone get to the gym. UGGH! I'm feeling a bit better today so I'm going to try to get a workout in but I don't think I can push it too much with such diminished lung capacity. I'll probably just take a walk and try to do some light weights. Every little bit helps, right?
Well, I'm not giving up the fight. The fat will lose this battle. I am making a vow that I will not be writing a similar post on my 43rd birthday. I'm not getting any younger.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

You Are Beautiful

Believe it. Be it. Pass it on.

Find out more about Operation Beautiful here.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Holiday? What Holiday?

I hope everyone here in the states had a great time celebrating the 4th of July, everyone else I hope you had a good weekend.

I'm sad to say we didn't get to see any fireworks, we didn't go to any bbq's and we didn't do anything fun. We're building an addition on our camp so all we did was work on it all weekend. It was backbreaking work. The good news is I got an excellent workout lugging 2x6x10's, lifting plywood, bending, stretching and running around being the gofer. I was totally exhausted and fell into a dead sleep as soon as we got home last night until about 4:00 in the morning when I woke up with a sore throat and a wheezing cough.

I'm can't say I'm surprised since I'm on vacation this week and I had planned on getting the house organized and hitting the gym every single day. It's just my luck that something always happens when I try to take a vacation. Today was a total bust. I couldn't get out of bed and I can't take a deep breath without hacking. First day of vacation wasted. Let's hope I can get over this and enjoy the rest of the week. My vacations are good times, yeah, good times.

B got tickets to the Red Sox game tomorrow night so that should be fun if I can breathe. Of course, we're supposed to have severe thunderstorms tomorrow but hopefully it will hold off until after the game.

I think that black cloud found me again.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Hello Sunshine ...

Where have you been hiding? Did you forget it's summer here in New England? We haven't seen much of you for the past month or so. It's been foggy, rainy, drizzling, overcast, and cold. I was beginning to doubt we would ever see you again. I hope you stick around and join us for the 4th of July celebrations.

I hope the sun is shining where you are. Be safe, have fun and don't forget the sunscreen.