Saturday, December 12, 2015

Faking Festive....

'Tis the season to be merry and all that but, as you can imagine, I'm just not feeling very festive this year. I'm going through the motions - hanging the Christmas lights and wandering the stores but it doesn't feel like Christmas. It doesn't help that we haven't seen any snow and it's going to be in the 60s this weekend but on the bright side we have plans to go bike riding on Saturday. Not very often we're able to do that in New England in mid-December. We'll probably even venture out and get a tree this weekend but my heart doesn't really feel like celebrating anything.

My work "holiday" party was this past week and as much as I wanted to go home and do nothing I forced myself to go to the party. I went prepared with a flask because they usually only offer beer and wine at work functions and I don't drink either but I knew I would need a little something to get me through the night. Turns out they actually offered a couple of specialty drinks and one was a citron vodka drink so was all over that. I think my office manager got sick of listening to me complain that beer and wine is not "open bar."

The party was at a swanky hotel a few blocks from the office so it was convenient to get there. I had a few drinks, talked to a few friends, had a bite to eat and then went to "work." I gave myself the job of being the official photographer so I could hide behind the lens and not have to chit chat. I was able to float around taking pictures and had an excuse to keep on moving around. Even though I've been at my firm since 2011, I don't know many people other than the group that works on my floor and a few others because the place is so huge and my department is one of the smallest. I'm always asking my floater friend who everyone is because I don't have a clue and she knows everyone. I see these people on the elevators and in big meetings but I don't know them. The past few years I felt extremely socially awkward at these parties and I think it's because I didn't have my camera to protect me. Even though I wasn't in the mood, I'm glad I forced myself to go and I did get lots of great pictures.

I know that this year of firsts without my Mom is going to suck. I broke down when I turned the calendar to December and saw her flight information written on there. She would have been here for Christmas until after her birthday on January 3rd. Getting through these next few weeks is going to be so hard. I wish I were bitching about how much she was driving me crazy because she always did. She certainly knew how to press every single one of my buttons and it seemed like she enjoyed doing it. Over the past few years I was learning how to just let her say what she was going to say (repeatedly) and not argue with her about it (whatever "it" was) because it wasn't worth the fight. She believed what she believed and nothing I ever said made any difference anyway. I'm glad that no matter how much she bitched and drove me crazy we always ended up having a great time. My brother and I really went out of our way to spoil her at least twice a year. We paid for her to come visit over Christmas and Mother's Day every single year. We took her to see her family and friends and we would take her to all her favorite places because we wanted to make sure she had a good time and she always did. I still can't believe last year was our last year. She even got stuck here an extra few days over and above her 2+ weeks because we had a big snowstorm and her flight got cancelled. Who knew how different things would look this year?

It's certainly not easy to fake it. On the outside I may be smiling, laughing and appearing to be having a good time but on the inside I'm a sad mess who is holding back the tears and on the verge of a meltdown. Even though we never stop missing them, I know with time it will get easier. Maybe by this time next year the fog will lift and I will be able to celebrate with a happy heart (right Biz?). Meanwhile I will continue to fake feeling festive until I can learn how to celebrate again without being so sad my Mom isn't here to celebrate with us.

It's not about the presents, the parties or the food - it's about making memories with the people we love. Cherish the ones who are around your tables and trees and enjoy every family get together because someday you will look back and only have pictures of your loved ones celebrating past holidays. These are the days my friends, I thought they'd never end...

Happy Festivus!


Monday, December 7, 2015

Warm Weekend Flies By...

Monday again already? Why must you come back so quickly? I must have blinked because it feels like it was just Friday five minutes ago. Mondays always come way too fast and I never seem to get everything on my to-do list done.

I ended up working late Friday night because I had to take B to the doctor Friday morning to get a few areas of skin cancer cut out (again) so I was late getting in the office. I thought it was funny that when B filled out the doctor's questionnaire that asked "do you have any family history of skin cancer?" he wrote "I'm Irish." That pretty much says it all, right? He is Italian too but his skin is definitely Irish. He is stitched up good on his neck and back but should be feeling fine after he gets the stitches out in 2 weeks. This is not the first time he's had to have skin cancer removed so I'm not too worried about it but it is something he needs to keep an eye on and get checked regularly. It's interesting that the spots I think look bad are nothing and the little spots that don't look like much are what end up being cancerous. Please get checked if you have a similar family history. It's very treatable as long as it is detected and taken care of early.

Saturday was a beautiful day here. After getting some chores done in the morning I spent the afternoon in the salon getting my hair done. I'm so very lucky that my brother is an amazing stylist and colorist who takes care of covering up my old lady grey hair before it gets too noticeable and out of control. It always looks amazing for a couple of days after he does it and then it's back to the no fuss styling since I can't be bothered to break out the hair dryer let alone spend any amount of time making it look as beautiful as he makes it look. So thankful for my brother and his talents.

Sunday was a gorgeous 50+ degree day here. We spent the morning hanging Christmas lights and raking leaves. Hard to believe I was out in a t-shirt raking leaves in December. I'm beginning to believe this global warming theory. The afternoon was spent watching football. It didn't turn out well for me and my fellow Patriots. It was an ugly game. Fingers crossed some of our injured players will come back healthy and we can get back to our winning ways. On to Houston. The Pats loss was the worst part of my weekend so that's a good thing.

Time for me to get my act together and start another crazy work week.

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend and have a Happy Monday.

Rock on...

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Long Time No Blog....

Hello My Friends -

Is that an echo I hear? Hello? Hello? Is there anybody out there? Is this thing on?

Not sure if there is anyone still out there on this line but I think it may do me some good to get some stuff out of my head. It's pretty full up in there and I need some release.

I have been keeping up with you, my blog friends, by reading your posts but haven't been commenting much, if at all, because I read on my phone during my commute and it is almost impossible to comment using that medium. I hope you know I'm out there cheering you on and wishing you well.

Yes, it's been an extremely long time since I posted and, as you can imagine, a lot has changed. This post would be novel-length if I tried to tell you everything that has happened in 2+ years so I'll just give some highlights/lowlights and, hopefully, I'll be back on a semi-regular basis to fill you in on more of the details. I'll start by answering some questions I would want to know if I were you.

Q: Why did you stop blogging?
A: I was never a consistent blogger but after I went back to work I just didn't have much time. Aside from the time issue, there was so much going on in the world that it seemed kind of frivolous for me to be worried about something as insignificant as my weight. Not much has changed. I'm still crazy busy at work (aren't we all!) and the world is even more full of events that make me want to crawl in a hole or run away to a faraway place to be safe but, luckily, I am safe and blessed in many ways so I need to get over that. This is the world we live in and I need to find a way to not let all the violence and sadness of the outside world bring me down. It's certainly not easy. I can't even watch the news some days because it makes me so sad. I just don't understand all the hate and violence. It is so scary.

Q: Why did you change the name of the blog?
A: When I started this blog I thought it would help me figure out why I could lose weight, feel great and then gain it back over and over again. I've come to realize that the weight doesn't really matter. It's not about a number on the scale, or the size of my pants, it's about being healthy and feeling good. That's what I'm going to try to work on. It's more about what is going on in my head so I'm hoping by writing about that, it will help me work it out and once I get my head in a healthy place I will be able to get control of all the emotional eating and start taking better care of myself.

Q: Did I regain ALL the weight I lost?
A: Yes, I'm fat AGAIN! It's amazing how long it took to lose 101 pounds and how very quickly and easily it was to gain it all back. Sit at a desk for 10+ hours a day, don't make time to go to the gym, don't cook healthy meals at home regularly, try to stuff down your emotions with food and it is very easy to find yourself back where you started. Hello, Square One.

Q: Are you still going to those cardio kickboxing classes?
A: Unfortunately, no. I haven't been to the class I loved in years. When I went back to work I tried going to class twice a week on my lunch hour but the gym was on the other side of town and my bosses got upset when I was taking almost 2 hours for lunch so I stopped going.

Q: Are you still working out?
A: I'm not a total slug but I'm not working out consistently or with much intensity. I walk about 3 miles a day, to and from the train station, when the weather cooperates and I get on my bike once in a while but that's about it. I do have a gym membership but it isn't convenient for me to get to so I haven't been more than a few times in the past 6 months.

Q: Anything major happen?
A: It is so hard for me to even write this since I'm still in shock over it. My Mom passed away in September at 70 years young. She was often a pain in the ass and drove me crazy but she was my mother and I loved her. I miss her so much and only wish she were still here to drive me crazy. She was supposed to visit for a friend's wedding in June and the day before she was scheduled to fly up here she went to the hospital because she had a cough that wasn't getting better and she was having trouble breathing. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. Initially they said it was a very small area in her left lung, very treatable and she would be fine after 6 weeks of chemo/radiation. Three weeks into treatment her doctor called and LEFT A MESSAGE saying she was too weak to receive anymore treatments, they were admitting her into hospice and she was going to die. My brother and I flew down to Florida the next day and spent a month with her in hospice. It was brutal and I'm still in shock. I can barely see the screen through my tears so I'm going to sign off for now.

I'll be back...soon.