Thursday, August 16, 2007

Starting Over, Again, at 40!

I must be living in the twilight zone. I can't be 40, can I? How is that possible? The truth is I turned 40 in July and, just like almost every year of my life, my birthday wish has been to get in shape, lose the weight and finally figure out my issues so I can lose the weight for good.

I know how to lose the weight. I've done it before - numerous times. My past diets are an extensive list. I can't even remember them all. I've done all the crazy and not so crazy diets, just like everyone else in this blogging weight obsessed community. Every magizine is full of before and after photos, celebrities who lost a ton or gained a ton, she's too thin, she's too fat, it is so insane. I wanted to scream when I saw an article where they zoomed in on celebrities' cellulite with lenses more powerful than the hubble telescope. They ripped these woman apart. They were NOT fat. They barely had a dimple on their thighs and then they wonder why every woman in this country has some sort of obsession with their weight and is obsessed with trying to fit the mold.

I'm not looking to fit in any mold. I have curves; I don't want to look like a teenaged boy. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I don't want to spill over the seat on the train, I want to feel sexy for my boyfriend, I want to want to have sex (it's been a while), I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I really, really want it. So, if I REALLY want it why do I keep binging, why do I keep eating things that I know are bad for me, why, why, why? I think about my weight constantly, I read tons of weight related blogs (my hero is pastaqueen). PQ has lost more than half her weight by . . . DIET and EXERCISE!!! I started reading her blog when she was much heavier than I am now. I was determined to lose weight along with her. She is almost at her goal and I still haven't really gotten started. We all know HOW to do it - eat less and move more. Sounds so simple, huh? My problem is in my head. I will eat until I feel sick and promise myself I will never do it again, I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday, I'll have good days and then it all falls apart. I spend so much energy thinking about it, doing it and then having to start all over again. I don't want to do it anymore.

I've had successful attempts at losing it. I lost about 60 pounds about 10 years ago on Jenny C. but gained it all back. Five years ago I lost around 65 pounds on a modified South Beach/Atkins/OA-type diet. Basically I didn't each anything white for more than a year (no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, or flour). It was torture but I felt great, I looked pretty good and then I ate a crouton and blew up like a deer tick. Obviously, I ate more than a crouton but you get the idea.

Currently I am at my heaviest weight EVER. I can't stand it. I'm smarter than this. I know I can lose it but what I can't figure out is why I keep sabotaging myself and gaining it all back. I'm so much happier when I'm able to buy "normal" size clothes, feel fit and like what I see in the mirror. I can barely stand to look in a mirror these days. I am disgusted. I need to change. I don't want to spend the next 40 years in the yo-yo cycle. I am determined to figure this out!

My goal is to lose at least 70 pounds. I can't even believe I have that much to lose (AGAIN) but I do. That is not an unrealistic goal. If I look at charts for my height I should probably lose more like 80 or 85 pounds but I'm not going to stress out about getting to a specific number, I just need the number to go down.

I'm hoping by writing here I will be able to get the motivation I need to not only lose it, AGAIN, but to keep it off. Wish me luck!


  1. The weight loss battle at any age is difficult, and your right trying to fit in a mold just isn't healthy. I am starting many things over at 40 and the weight loss is one of them. With the aid of sparkpeople a free internet program I will be able to monitor my food intake, exercise program according to what I can and can't do. I will also be using a weekly meal plan to help curb cravings and start eating healthy again.

    Good luck stay possitive stay focused

  2. Your words express exactly how I feel. I turned 40 in april, and like you have been promising myself that I would lose weight with every passing birthday. I was thin until around the age of 24. I lost 29 lbs. on LA weightloss about 4 years ago. But a job change disrupted my momentum and sure enough I was back to my old ways. I have about 75 lbs. to lose and I am also at my alltime heaviest. I've also found myself single again after 15 years of marriage and I am so disappointed that even this has not provided the needed motivation to get healthy. I am in a terrible rut, but not ready to give up.

  3. Matt: I'm sorry to hear about your divorce and struggles. I hope you can use this time to focus on yourself and get healthy. I just had another birthday and life is really throwing punches at me but I'm still determined to get healthy and lose this weight. I wish you the best of luck! Don't ever give up!

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