Friday, September 25, 2009

Out of Control

I feel so out of control and unable to get a handle on my weight, well, I can get ahold of some serious love handles but that is the problem. I've been trying to work through all the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for most of my life, trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, why I need to stuff down my emotions with food instead of feeling them, why the food seems to be more important than my desire to lose weight. I'm wondering if I will ever really figure it out.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight and not making any progress. I'm beat down by the compulsive eating and binge episodes and the despondency I feel after I do it. I'm sick of not being able to wear 90% of the clothes in my closet. I'm desperate to change my life and feel good about myself again. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and have been living at rock bottom for years now.

I can't take it anymore. It's time to pull myself up, stop making excuses, stop stuffing my emotions with food and start making changes. It's obvious I need to change my ways if I want to get this weight off. The only good thing about being at rock bottom is there is nowhere to go but up.


  1. Hi. Sounds like you're working up a head of stream to push through your barriers and get it done. Sometimes you have to get to the end your rag to be able to turn it around.

    I can't get into 95% of my wardrobe either. What a waste of clothes.

    You'll get there.
    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  2. I hit rock bottom, really rock, rock nasty bottom before I could finally pick myself up and get into it.

    Yes, it is hard to diet and exercise, but it is a much better hard than feeling sh!t all the time and soon it gets easier. Soon the cravings stop and you start to deal with things without using food as a pacifier.

    I was terrible, just sat and ate and ate. Then I ate some more. I used food like some kind of anti-depressant and that was on top of prescribed anti-depressants.

    Seriously if I can do it, you can too!

    And big (((hugs))) for you - you WILL feel better soon.

  3. So sorry to hear you are feeling down. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all better.

    Apologies in advance if you aren't interesting but a friend recommended a web site/book to me and to be honest I was suspicious of it at first (just how I am!) but so far it's been interesting and helpful... might be worth investigating at least?

    There is some money involved but you can read a good bit and research it without paying anything. I'll email you the link and you can ignore it if you want.

  4. Can't find an email address for you so I am at crzylady01 at if you want that link or if you just want to chat.

  5. It's not easy. It took me hitting rock bottom (like someone else said) after my divorce to realize that my health was the thing I could control and that I should start doing just so.

    Maybe reading my blog post today will help you...maybe not. In any case, I just wanted to say that you CAN do this when you are ready too. Sometimes this one day at a time thing is the only thing that gets me through.

    If you ever want to talk, I am an email away.

  6. Feeling the feelings is the HARDEST part!! Next time you want to eat, just go lock yourself in the bedroom or bathroom and sit for ten minutes and just feel it. It's okay to cry or get mad or scream or whatever. But the whole binge thing IS trying to stuff down the feelings. When we can feel them instead, the need to binge reduces by quite a bit.

    As you know I am no master of weight loss, but spending time with your feelings really does cut down the binge behavior.

    Hugs. You will get there.

  7. Great thoughts. Really - they are. It means that what you are going through isn't in vain. It means that yes, you are struggling but that you aren't taking it sitting down. It means that, however long it takes, you are going to fight for this. Fight for what you want & deserve.

    You are the only one who can change things - so keep going. Keep working through your feelings. Keep fighting lady, I believe in you!

  8. oh i REALLY NEEDED to read that today - thank you for voicing your thoughts so articulately lovely. With you soooooo in spirit! x

  9. You know, maybe you are making progress and you don't realize it.

    Just the fact that you are verbalizing the feelings is a step towards your goal.

  10. I have been there. It's a difficult place. I don't think it's the food so much as the need to unfeel the pain/sadness/loneliness. My need to stuff usually came out of one of those three or boredom.

    Got to somehow find the strength/courage to make a decision to take care of your physical body. Look at food at fuel. Don't eat another bite of something that does not fuel your body (you know what that is).

    Maybe get some outside help? I got some good help from a woman who was a hypnotherapist and former fat girl. She helped me feel powerful in my physical form when I fed myself well and worked out. You can take on so much more of the world when your body is powerful from within.
    Good luck. I'm thinking about you.

  11. Dont fret, you are not the only one. I hit 'rock bottom' about two months ago, then just started digging lower until my fingernails fell off. Well, I got me some Lee Press On's and am feeling much better... you can do it!


  12. I'm slowly getting a new wardrobe, I've had to get rid of lots of clothes but am still hanging on to some. One day at a time!

  13. Are you utilizing the help of a counselor? It made worlds of difference for me!

  14. Aw, sweetie. I know how this feels. But the last line of your entry is the right way to look at it. Just grab hold of your weight, slap it in the face, and say "I'm not taking this shit anymore!"

    You can do it!

    ~Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)

  15. The only way is up....*imagine me singing*
    The fact that you realize where you are emotionally and that you want to change is step one is the way up.
    You can do it!
    And that's, unfortunately, the difficult part, only you can do it. Nobody else can do it for you. That's my biggest stumble block....the energy to keep going. Wishing somebody else could do it for me.
    You can do it! You are worth it!

  16. I had reached that point 2 years ago, and it was what drove me to get the weight off and for the most part, keep it off. use it all to get you going and motivate you. you ARE capable of success and everything that you want, so dont sell yourself short or think you cant achieve it. It wont be easy and there will be times just like now when you want to give up. just remember this moment, and you wont.

  17. I hear ya chick!
    Onward and UPWARD from the bottom!

  18. Friend: My head is full of steam. Hope it will push me somewhere.

    FFM: I'm getting a little old to hang on to the pacifier. Time to get off the anti-depressants (food).

    Robin: Let's get out of this place, it's no fun.

    CrazyLady: I wish you had a magic wand. No apologies necessary, I'm open to any and all suggesions.

    Hilly: You're the best and as I commented and e-mailed, your post totally helped me. Thank you!

    Lyn: You are a master and I am inspired by you every single day for working through these same issues. Thanks for the support.

    Jen: I'm still fighting and thankful I have you to show me how it's done even in extreme circumstances. You are amazing!

    W&W: We are spirit sisters.

    Lori: Someday I'll be able to enjoy biking, running and sweating at the gym like you. You rock.

    POD: Your comment helped me today when I had the urge to eat something that wasn't fuel. I know what it is but it never tastes as good. ;)

    Royalty: My nails are a mess from scratching my way out of this hole. Maybe I need to get some of those press-on nails too.

    LAF: The good thing is I have a closet full of sizes from 8-18 so I don't need to shop for much when I lose weight.

    CouchSpud: I'm looking into seeing a counselor. It can't hurt, right?

    J.Be: You are right - I shouldn't take this sh!t anymore. Time to do some b!tch slapping.

    Me: Wouldn't it be great if someone else could do it for us? You are right, time to just get it done.

    Heather: Thanks for showing me how it's done.

    ChrisH: Yeah, onward and upward.

    You guys are so amazing! It means so much to me to have the support of such amazing women. THANK YOU ALL!

  19. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting on my "Sad Panda" blog entry. I really appreciate your kind words and happy thoughts... It means a lot! :)

    ~Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)

  20. Rock bottom is an excellent "jumping off" point. I know it was for me. Start climbing can do it...I'll be right by your side. :)

  21. "There is nowhere to go but up" -- that's right!!
    You know we will always be here, cheering you on!!
    We all get tired and discouraged at times, but remember that you are not alone! We are all in this together yeah, just a click away :>


No Sugar Coating Allowed