Never Say Never

Hello...is anyone still out there?  I've never been the most consistent blogger but a post once a month shouldn't be too hard to handle, huh?  Thought I'd drop in and tell my sad tale of weight loss (regain) woes.  If you want to be inspired I suggest you check out my blogroll and visit those who are rocking the healthy lifestyle because I certainly haven't been one of them lately although I'm not giving up so there is still hope for me yet.

I really need to think long and hard before I use words like "NEVER" and "ALWAYS."  It seems as soon as we utter the word "never" circumstances change and we find ourselves doing exactly what we said we would NEVER EVER do.  It seems like the universe conspires to make us eat words like "never" and "always."  How many weddings have you been to where people promised to "always" love each other 'til death they do part only to be divorced in a few years.  I swore I would NEVER EVER regain the weight I worked so hard to lose. I thought I had it all figured out. I learned how to love exercise and looked forward to sweating my ass off at the gym.  I thought that was the key but I'm sorry to say that has not been the case.  I haven't gone back to binge eating but I have been eating too much, too often, and way too many meals out.

Exactly one year ago today I hit my goal of losing 101 pounds and went back to working a full time job after being unemployed for 22 months. During my unemployment I was able to focus my time on getting in shape and it worked.  I felt great and swore that I would NEVER let myself get fat again.  I guess I have NOT really figured anything out.  Well, that's not true, I've figured out that I can lose weight, exercise regularly and eat right as long as I don't have to work a full time job at the same time.

I'm not back at square one but I honestly can't even tell you how much weight I regained because I'm afraid to get on the scale.  It's crazy that I weighed myself almost every single day for years but I'm afraid to get on the scale and see the actual number now.  I would say I'm at about square 50 and it's depressing as hell to think about trying to lose those pounds all over again.

I have learned that I don't handle stress well and I suck at time management and forcing myself to get up early enough or go to the gym after work when all I want to do is get home and de-stress.  I'm still walking to and from the train station (3+ miles) everyday.  I'm still going to my favorite cardio kickboxing classes when I can get out of the office but I haven't been able to regularly make it to both classes every week.  The biggest problem is the stress eating and not taking the time to make healthy meals when I get home so late and I'm just too damn tired.

It really sucks to keep going through this.  I've run into a few people I haven't seen in a few years and they ask if I've lost weight and compliment me and tell me how great I look so all is not lost (regained).  I don't have 101 pounds to lose but even if that number is 50 it is still a tough pill to swallow but I'm going to have to face the scale at some point and figure out a way to lose weight and work for a living.

I'm not giving up.  I'm going to figure out a way to do this once and for all.  Time to get back to square 50....  Wish me luck.

Rock on!

FAT is NOT a FEELING...

I know FAT is NOT a feeling but when I attempt to squeeze into pants that fit loosely just a few short months ago that is exactly how I feel...FAT. I've been kicking myself a bit for giving away all my fat clothes because I was so sure I was NEVER going to go back there but here I am. I'm not back into the biggest sizes, thankfully, but I'm not going in the direction I want to go.

Fat, bloated, stuffed, depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, disappointed and confused - that is how I've been feeling. How could I let myself regain AGAIN? I swore I wouldn't let it happen AGAIN and here I am AGAIN.

I had good reason to be scared of regaining weight when I went back to work last September because I've done it so many times before. I really thought this time would be different. I thought I had finally figured it out. I had finally learned to love working out and thought that was the key to keeping the weight off. 

I was able to find a way to get to my kickboxing classes twice a week and I get in at least 3 miles of walking almost every day but that just hasn't been enough to keep the pounds from creeping back on. I know there is no amount of exercise that can make up for overindulging on a regular basis and when I'm stressed or bored at work the first thing I want to do is eat. Stress eating and emotional eating is my thing and I need to figure out a way to prevent myself from reaching for snacks all day long when I am NOT hungry for food.

Something has got to give because I've already lost so much ground and I need to stop it. Aside from quitting my job, which, unfortunately, I just can't swing financially, I don't know what it's going to take but I'm going to find a way.

I need to stop feeling FAT because I know FAT is NOT a feeling.

Alive and Kickin'

Yes, I'm still alive and kickin', working my butt off (not literally) and trying to stop the scale from climbing back up. Why oh why does lost weight find it's way back so easily? 

I recently did a google photo search for kickboxing and look what popped up?

Yup, that's me!  I guess I've written about how much I love kickboxing enough that I made it to google's search engine. 

I've been having a hard time keeping up in my kickboxing class lately which is probably due to the 30 pounds I've regained but I'm still fighting and I'm not giving up. 

I really wish I didn't need a paycheck because I would love to be able to spend hours at the gym everyday instead of sitting at a desk shuffling papers all day.  I'm still trying to get my ass out of bed early enough in the morning to go for a run or get to the gym but that just hasn't been happening.  I'm walking over 3 miles a day back and forth to the train station, walking at lunch when weather permits, kickboxing two days a week and staying active but it just hasn't been enough to compensate for sitting on my ass all day at work and snacking way too often.

I'm still here reading all of your posts while commuting but my service is sporadic so I haven't been able to comment much which I miss.  I hope to get better at this time management stuff, get my ass out of bed early enough to work out and hit the lottery so I can quit my job and get back to the gym full time.  A girl can dream...

Rage Against Regain!

I'm so frustrated.  I can't seem to figure out how to make things work.  You may remember when I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds back in September on my first day back to the grind and how worried I was about finding a way to maintain my hard-earned loss.  Apparently I had good reason for my fears and they were not unfounded.

Since reaching my goal last September I've been steadily gaining bit by bit and struggling to find a way to fit in my workouts after a long stressful day at the office. I struggle every day to stay away from all the free food they push around every single day. Last week alone they had a big breakfast one day and ice cream sundaes another day.  I don't understand why they feel the need to reward employees with fattening crappy food. 

I know it's possible to find a way to fit it all in.  I know it can be done. I see many of you not only work full time jobs and take care of your families but also put in the hours you need to stay fit.  I just can't seem to find my way.

I miss my two hour workouts and my daily walks.  I miss having the time to go to the market every day and cook healthy meals every night.  I miss it! 

I knew it was going to be difficult to find the time to workout but I didn't think I would regain so much so quickly.  It's depressing to think how much sweat and effort it took to lose and how easy it finds its way back.

I walk over 3 miles every single weekday back and forth to the train station.  I make every effort to get to my cardio kickboxing class twice a week during my lunch hour but that doesn't always happen because there is always some "emergency" that pops up just as I'm getting ready to leave for class and then I get extremely upset that I can't go which makes me even more stressed out.

Something has got to give.  I have to find a way to make it work or hit the lottery so I can be a lady of leisure who can spend as long as I want hanging out at the gym and taking care of myself. 

I'm not giving up on this fight but it is HARD and I need to find the time to make it work because I don't want to go back to where I was.  I'm not where I was but I'm not where I want to be either. 

I'm sure you've all heard the saying "it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all," right? I was wondering if it is the same sort of thing with weight loss. Is it better to have lost and regained than to never have lost at all?  I'm not sure.

The battle continues....

Numbers Game

You can't win if you don't play. I thought for sure this was my winning ticket even though the odds were better that I would be struck by lightening 7 times on a sunny day. No matter how terrible the odds, I still wasted a few dollars so I could dream about what I would do with all that loot. Sadly, I still have to go to work for a living and I will not be able to give cold hard cash out to my family, friends and strangers on the street but the dream lives on.

If you live in the United States you probably spent at least a dollar during the recent MegaMillions frenzy because the jackpot was as high as a half a BILLION dollars. Almost everyone I know had a ticket and we all had lofty dreams of what we would do with the money if we won.

I started thinking about how I used to dream about getting in shape while sitting on my ass watching infomercials of the latest quick fix, easy weight loss, diet craze. I wanted it so badly but realized that no matter how much I wanted it, wanting and dreaming about it was never going to make it happen. It just wasn't enough. Like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play. You can't expect to win the weight loss battle if you never get your ass off the couch just like you have absolutely no chance of winning the big lottery jackpot if you don't buy a ticket.

So remember, no matter how badly you want to win, you have to be in it to win it.

Get out and play!

The Best Weight Loss Blogs

Crabby McSlacker at Cranky Fitness compiled a great list of the best weight loss blogs of 2012 and I'm not surprised to see many of my favorite blogs on the list and excited to check out a bunch of new-to-me ones. If you are looking for some fresh blogs or wondering if you made the list, you can check it out here.

Did you make the list? Were you surprised to see certain blogs there (I was)? Who is your favorite fitness/weight loss blogger? Do tell - inquiring minds want to know.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....

Hey There, Hi There, Ho There - long time no blog. This working thing really sucks up way too much living time. I've been wanting to write here but just can't seem to find the time to sit at the computer and do it. Something had to give and, unfortunately, as much as I love blogging I just couldn't get to it. If I had a choice between working out and writing about working out I've been choosing to sweat. Priorities, right?

I've been keeping up with what's going on with you by reading blogs on the train during my commute to and from work but service is spotty and it's almost impossible to comment from my phone so I'm sorry if I haven't been a good blogging buddy. I continue to cheer you on even though you don't see it in a comment. I hope you understand and I hope to get better with my time management and get around to commenting once in a while. I miss you guys.

I keep seeing this commercial for a local health insurance company where a couple asks each other every day whether they went to the gym. Their excuses range from "I forgot my ponytail holder," "I missed the cat," "I don't think I needed it today," "my Mother called," and the most common excuse I used other than "no time," "toooooooo tired." It got me thinking about the million and one excuses we use for not living the life we want to live. There is always an excuse for not being able to get to the gym, right? We can always find a reason why we can't go for a walk, why we can't eat healthy, why we can't resist the tempting fattening foods in our face every day, why we can't start our diet today, why we'll put it off until tomorrow or next Monday, after the holidays, after the birthday party, etc. etc. We need to stop giving ourselves excuses and start finding ways to work around them.

It really comes down to making a commitment to take care of ourselves and making it a priority in our lives. We have to eat to live so we need to focus on more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins and less fried, sugary fatty processed crap food. Sure, we can indulge now and then but not every day at every meal. A treat should be a treat, not an everyday thing. I know what that store bought cake tastes like and I don't love it so why should I waste the calories on it?

We can't survive without water but we can certainly live without soda. I'm still amazed that I haven't had a Diet Coke in almost 4 years! I used to have Diet Coke running through my veins and I'm not even tempted to drink it anymore. I don't crave it and could care less if other people around me are drinking it, I don't even want it now and there was a time I thought I couldn't live without it.

We can change our habits. It is possible. We have the technology and the ability we just have to believe we can and make it happen. It won't happen overnight but it will happen if we keep believing it is possible and keep working towards our goals. We will never be perfect but we can keep getting better and better with each little baby step in the right direction.

My biggest excuse these days is I have "no time" to do anything but I'm squeezing in exercise where I can and trying to rein in the mindless/stress/social eating. Between working long hours, the holidays, and vacation, I've regained some weight but I'm not freaking out about it (yet). I don't have the time to spend hours at the gym everyday anymore so it's no surprise I'm up on the scale but I'm fighting to keep it under control and deal with my circumstances. I finally worked up the courage to ask the boss about taking an extended lunch twice a week so I could go to my kickboxing class and he said YES ;).

So, what's your biggest excuse? and what can you do to work around it?

New Dawn, New Day, New Life

New Year Resolutions are great but we really shouldn't save them up for the New Year, we should make them every single day. We don't know what kind of challenges we're going to face in the coming year so as soon as something gets thrown in our path or gets in the way of those resolutions we tend to give up in frustration. Resolutions made on January 1st usually hit a giant brick wall by the time February 1st comes along. The gym has been so packed with New Year Resolutioners that I've had to wait to get on a treadmill the past couple of weeks but the crowds have already started to dwindle down and its only the second week of the year. The New Year is the perfect time to clean the slate, forget the past and look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. Look at all those little boxes on the calendar just waiting to be filled up.

This healthy living thing is a life long process. Even when we reach our goals, it's not the end. How many people do you know who got to their goal weight only to regain most or all of what they worked so hard to lose? We're not done once we see that sweet number on the scale or fit into those goal-size jeans.

We're not THERE yet, we're HERE, right now is where we're at. Right now, right HERE is where we're always at. This is a life long process not a short term project to complete and forget about. We are never done with healthy living. If something is really important, if something really matters, it doesn't get completed in a day. It can't be reached in a day, a week or a month. If you can finish it in a day it's not that big of a deal. If you can finish it in a week or a month it's not that big of an accomplishment. If it takes a lifetime it is a very big deal and totally worth the effort.

When our dreams seem such a long way off, we tend to decide that HERE is THERE and we settle for HERE instead of striving to get THERE. We settle for HERE because THERE seems so far away. HERE is not bad, it's ok, but we need to keep moving forward to get THERE. A new year is the perfect time to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. Put the past behind you, forgive yourself and others for any wrongdoings and move forward. The past is the past. The past is not today and it is not the future. We can't start working on what comes next until we put the past behind us. Don't let the past define your future. Let it go and focus on today and the possibility of what lies ahead.

We tend to get so overwhelmed with the mundane details of surviving day to day that we stop dreaming about the future and settle for HERE. This is not all there is. We are not THERE yet. Keep those dreams alive and keep looking forward to what lies ahead. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes to get THERE as long as you keep moving in the right direction.

Where are you? Where do you want to go? HERE or THERE?

Happy New Day!

Happy 2012!

Happy New Year! Happy New You!

How has 2012 been treating you so far? Are you working on those resolutions. I don't like making them because if it is important on January 1st it is important every other day of the year. Start now, no matter what the date on the calendar is. Don't wait 'til the first of the year, Monday or after that big event, start right now. I hope this is the year we all reach our goals or at least take those baby steps to get closer to realizing them.

Long time no blog, huh? I've written a ton of posts in my head but just haven't had the time to sit at the computer and put them out there. Working really sucks up way too much of my life but it's a necessary evil since I wasn't lucky enough to have a big fat trust fund. I've been contemplating posting short and sweet updates just to keep the crickets from taking over this space but I still need to find the time to do that. I really miss unemployment.

I know most people assume that when a weight loss blogger disappears it's because they've fallen into the rabbit hole vat of chocolate and started packing on the pounds again but I'm not too far gone. Yes, I've gained a bit but I'm still hanging on to the wagon. I'm still fighting to get back to my goal weight that I saw for a nanosecond back in September but I've been able to maintain an average loss of 90 pound for a while now. Vacation and the holidays were filled with temptations but I did the best I could to get my workouts in and abstain from stress eating.

To catch you up on what's been going on with me, I'll start where I left off. Las Vegas was a blast. I don't know why it took us so long to get there. We gambled, partied like aging rock stars, barely slept and ate way too much crappy buffet food. I wasn't sure I could do it but I managed to pull an all nighter on our last night there. Of course, at 40+ it took me a few days to recover from it all but recover I did, just in time for the holiday party season. We did escape the sensory overload of the strip a couple of days to check out the Hoover Dam, Red Rock Canyon and the Valley of Fire. It was nice to get away from all the lights, bells and whistles and be able to check out the quiet desert scenery. It's such a vast contrast to the landscape here in the northeast. It was beautiful but so weird to not see any trees or greenery.

There was way too much family drama over the holidays that's still going on but there really isn't anything I can do about it so I'm trying not to stress out over it. There is always drama in my family and I have learned that the less I get involved the better. I try to be the peacemaker and smooth things over but only end up getting caught in the crossfire so I'm doing my best to stay off the battlefield.

Work has been stressing me out and seriously cutting into my gym time. I barely worked out at all the whole month of December and I was starting to feel like a slug. I did get a few workout in here and there and I've been walking to and from the train station, taking the stairs at the office and going for walks at lunch when I can actually get out but it is not the same as a good sweaty workout at the gym. Ok, are you sitting down? I'm thisclose to completing the C25K program. I completed Week 9, Day 1 which means I only have 2 more days of the program left to do. Not bad, it's only taken me over a year and a half to complete the 9 week program but, you know by now, I'm speedy like a turtle. I never ever thought I'd be able to run for 30 minutes straight without having something chasing me but I've done it. I may be SLOW but I'll get there. I have no doubt about that.

Even though I haven't been able to comment much, if at all, I've been reading and keeping up with what's been going on with you so please know I'm there in spirit cheering you on. I've said prayers for people going through tough times and danced the happy dance for your successes.

Keep rocking it, my friends. HAPPY NEW YOU!