Long Time No Blog....

Hello My Friends -

Is that an echo I hear? Hello? Hello? Is there anybody out there? Is this thing on?

Not sure if there is anyone still out there on this line but I think it may do me some good to get some stuff out of my head. It's pretty full up in there and I need some release.

I have been keeping up with you, my blog friends, by reading your posts but haven't been commenting much, if at all, because I read on my phone during my commute and it is almost impossible to comment using that medium. I hope you know I'm out there cheering you on and wishing you well.

Yes, it's been an extremely long time since I posted and, as you can imagine, a lot has changed. This post would be novel-length if I tried to tell you everything that has happened in 2+ years so I'll just give some highlights/lowlights and, hopefully, I'll be back on a semi-regular basis to fill you in on more of the details. I'll start by answering some questions I would want to know if I were you.

Q: Why did you stop blogging?
A: I was never a consistent blogger but after I went back to work I just didn't have much time. Aside from the time issue, there was so much going on in the world that it seemed kind of frivolous for me to be worried about something as insignificant as my weight. Not much has changed. I'm still crazy busy at work (aren't we all!) and the world is even more full of events that make me want to crawl in a hole or run away to a faraway place to be safe but, luckily, I am safe and blessed in many ways so I need to get over that. This is the world we live in and I need to find a way to not let all the violence and sadness of the outside world bring me down. It's certainly not easy. I can't even watch the news some days because it makes me so sad. I just don't understand all the hate and violence. It is so scary.

Q: Why did you change the name of the blog?
A: When I started this blog I thought it would help me figure out why I was able to lose weight, feel great and then gain it back over and over again. I've come to realize that the weight doesn't really matter. It's not about a number on the scale, or the size of my pants, it's about being healthy and feeling good. That's what I'm going to try to work on. It's more about what is going on in my head so I'm hoping by writing about that, it will help me work it out and once I get my head in a healthy place I will be able to get control of all the emotional eating and start taking better care of myself.

Q: Did I regain ALL the weight I lost?
A: Yes, I'm fat AGAIN! It's amazing how long it took to lose 101 pounds and how very quickly and easily it was to gain it all back. Sit at a desk for 10+ hours a day, don't make time to go to the gym, don't cook healthy meals at home regularly, try to stuff down your emotions with food and it is very easy to find yourself back where you started. Hello, Square One.

Q: Are you still going to those cardio kickboxing classes?
A: Unfortunately, no. I haven't been to the class I loved in years. When I went back to work I tried going to class twice a week on my lunch hour but the gym was on the other side of town and my bosses got upset when I was taking almost 2 hours for lunch so I stopped going.

Q: Are you still working out?
A: I'm not a total slug but I'm not working out consistently or with much intensity. I walk about 3 miles a day, to and from the train station, when the weather cooperates and I get on my bike once in a while but that's about it. I do have a gym membership but it isn't convenient for me to get to so I haven't been more than a few times in the past 6 months.

Q: Anything major happen?
A: It is so hard for me to even write this since I'm still in shock over it. My Mom passed away in September at 70 years young. She was often a pain in the ass and drove me crazy but she was my mother and I loved her. I miss her so much and only wish she were still here to drive me crazy. She was supposed to visit for a friend's wedding in June and the day before she was scheduled to fly up here she went to the hospital because she had a cough that wasn't getting better and she was having trouble breathing. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. Initially they said it was a very small area in her left lung, very treatable and she would be fine after 6 weeks of chemo/radiation. Three weeks into treatment her doctor called and LEFT A MESSAGE saying she was too weak to receive anymore treatments, they were admitting her into hospice and she was going to die. My brother and I flew down to Florida the next day and spent a month with her in hospice. It was brutal and I'm still in shock. I can barely see the screen through my tears so I'm going to sign off for now.

I'll be back...soon.

XO