Saturday, December 12, 2015

Faking Festive....

'Tis the season to be merry and all that but, as you can imagine, I'm just not feeling very festive this year. I'm going through the motions - hanging the Christmas lights and wandering the stores but it doesn't feel like Christmas. It doesn't help that we haven't seen any snow and it's going to be in the 60s this weekend but on the bright side we have plans to go bike riding on Saturday. Not very often we're able to do that in New England in mid-December. We'll probably even venture out and get a tree this weekend but my heart doesn't really feel like celebrating anything.

My work "holiday" party was this past week and as much as I wanted to go home and do nothing I forced myself to go to the party. I went prepared with a flask because they usually only offer beer and wine at work functions and I don't drink either but I knew I would need a little something to get me through the night. Turns out they actually offered a couple of specialty drinks and one was a citron vodka drink so was all over that. I think my office manager got sick of listening to me complain that beer and wine is not "open bar."

The party was at a swanky hotel a few blocks from the office so it was convenient to get there. I had a few drinks, talked to a few friends, had a bite to eat and then went to "work." I gave myself the job of being the official photographer so I could hide behind the lens and not have to chit chat. I was able to float around taking pictures and had an excuse to keep on moving around. Even though I've been at my firm since 2011, I don't know many people other than the group that works on my floor and a few others because the place is so huge and my department is one of the smallest. I'm always asking my floater friend who everyone is because I don't have a clue and she knows everyone. I see these people on the elevators and in big meetings but I don't know them. The past few years I felt extremely socially awkward at these parties and I think it's because I didn't have my camera to protect me. Even though I wasn't in the mood, I'm glad I forced myself to go and I did get lots of great pictures.

I know that this year of firsts without my Mom is going to suck. I broke down when I turned the calendar to December and saw her flight information written on there. She would have been here for Christmas until after her birthday on January 3rd. Getting through these next few weeks is going to be so hard. I wish I were bitching about how much she was driving me crazy because she always did. She certainly knew how to press every single one of my buttons and it seemed like she enjoyed doing it. Over the past few years I was learning how to just let her say what she was going to say (repeatedly) and not argue with her about it (whatever "it" was) because it wasn't worth the fight. She believed what she believed and nothing I ever said made any difference anyway. I'm glad that no matter how much she bitched and drove me crazy we always ended up having a great time. My brother and I really went out of our way to spoil her at least twice a year. We paid for her to come visit over Christmas and Mother's Day every single year. We took her to see her family and friends and we would take her to all her favorite places because we wanted to make sure she had a good time and she always did. I still can't believe last year was our last year. She even got stuck here an extra few days over and above her 2+ weeks because we had a big snowstorm and her flight got cancelled. Who knew how different things would look this year?

It's certainly not easy to fake it. On the outside I may be smiling, laughing and appearing to be having a good time but on the inside I'm a sad mess who is holding back the tears and on the verge of a meltdown. Even though we never stop missing them, I know with time it will get easier. Maybe by this time next year the fog will lift and I will be able to celebrate with a happy heart (right Biz?). Meanwhile I will continue to fake feeling festive until I can learn how to celebrate again without being so sad my Mom isn't here to celebrate with us.

It's not about the presents, the parties or the food - it's about making memories with the people we love. Cherish the ones who are around your tables and trees and enjoy every family get together because someday you will look back and only have pictures of your loved ones celebrating past holidays. These are the days my friends, I thought they'd never end...

Happy Festivus!

Cheers!

9 comments:

  1. Hugs, girl. All you can do is what you're doing ... put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

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  2. Hugs to you. You don't have to fake it. Feel your grief. People will understand.

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    1. I just wish I could get a break from feeling it. Seems I'm on the verge of tears every minute of every day. It's exhausting. :(

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  3. I'm sure the first Christmas without your mom will be hard, but I hope you are able to find some peace, love and joy in the season.

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    1. I'm trying. We drove around looking a Christmas lights last night. :)

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  4. Yes, my dear, you are acting the exact same way I was last year - happy on the outside, but on the verge of tears on the inside. Every.single.day. For months.

    What I do know is that the fog has lifted for me. I still think of Tony every single day, I have his picture in my bedroom and I literally say out loud, good morning/good night. But I am in a better place this year and next year you will too.

    But it's okay to cry, okay to not want to be in the mood to celebrate. But before you know it your tears will turn to smiles when you think about your Momma.

    Sending you all the biggest hugs I can!

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    1. Thanks Biz. I know you know and I'm looking forward to the fog lifting soon. You had to go through the same thing having the holidays so soon after your loss. It's so tough. So happy you are in a good place. Tony will always be in your heart. :)

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  5. Hi, I’ve been reading your posts and just wanted to share something? Please email me back. Thanks!

    Olivia
    1xoliviax1 gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

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