Happy New Year!?

Happy New Year! I hope you all enjoyed the holidays and got to spend quality time with the people who mean the most to you. I did a significant amount of writing over the holidays but didn't want to bring people down with my sadness and grief so I didn't post it all.

It's a new year and a fresh start and all that and I'm trying to convince myself that it will get better. Time heals. I will eventually have a day without tears and, honestly, that day cannot come soon enough. The truth is I'm in a pretty sad and depressing place and I don't know how to get out of it. Aren't you glad I came back only to post one depressing story after another? For those of you with a thick skin and a compassionate heart, I really appreciate your sticking around and being so supportive. I promise I'm trying to work my way out of this funk but the holidays were extremely tough when you deep in the grieving process and I'm trying to recover from it all.

 

 I had a bright idea to include my condolences thank you cards in with my Christmas cards but as I started to stuff the envelopes I just couldn't do it. How could I send out holiday wishes along with a long sad letter reminding people of how much I (and they) miss my Mom? So I still haven't sent out thank you cards and I only managed to send Christmas cards to a few people who are struggling right along with me.

 

I'm still trying to comprehend how quickly and unexpectedly my Mom died. As much as she drove me crazy at times, I am devastated she is no longer here and I'm doing the best I can to get through each and every day without her. Every single day I would get a "Good Morning" e-mail from her and we would e-mail back and forth all day long. Of course when I called her she would just repeat everything she told me in the e-mails but she still wanted to hear my voice so I called her and she would end up doing most of the talking.

The holidays were extremely tough. They brought along such a deep grief as I struggled to comprehend that she is no longer here to celebrate with us. She should have been here. This is just the beginning of the year of firsts. I can’t help but weep as I recall happier times and even the many not-so-happy times. Just last year we got to spend a few bonus days together as her return flight to Florida was cancelled due to one of the many big snowstorms we had. How different it is this year – we don’t have any snow and we don’t have her here with us.

While the whole world celebrated, holiday memories flooded in and make grief cut in even deeper. As I turned my calendars to the month of December I saw my Mom’s flight information there as she was scheduled to be here on December 21st for her usual Christmas visit. She should have been here to celebrate her 71st birthday on January 3rd. Never in a million years did I think last Christmas/New Year/Birthday would be our last celebrations together.

We all have a list of time-honored holiday traditions. These traditions are part of who we are and how we share our happiness with the people we love. How do we celebrate when one of the people we love is gone. How can we possibly be happy and celebrate? How are we supposed to fake feeling festive when we miss them so much?

December may be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but it can also be the most painful. There is a profound difference between the external trappings of the season and the way we feel inside. What once delighted us now feels empty and we cringe at all the hoopla. Doesn't anyone know how much we hurt? The gaiety surrounds us and accentuates our feelings of loss.

I have not yet adjusted to life without my Mom. The ache of her absence envelops me like fog even as I try so hard to be cheerful. It is expected that we all be in good spirits during the holidays but it is difficult to pretend to be cheerful when a huge loss is still so fresh. Even though the calendar dictates it, I did not feel jolly or festive.

I  know that the holiday blues are a normal part of grief. Unspoken gloom hovers over all attempts to celebrate. It is a process and I know no matter how much time passes I will always miss her, every single day, and somehow even more on the holidays.

I've had a few good days and really, really bad days, but the thing that keeps me going is trying to do what she would want, which is to be happy and keep smiling. If she knew I was sad it would upset her so I'm doing my best to make her happy (still). The holidays just reminds me how much she enriched and touched my life in a way that made me who I am, and it reminds me to be thankful for all the memories I will forever cherish. Just because she is no longer physically next to me or a phone call or e-mail away, she will always be a part of me and our connection will continue to grow, maybe even in a deeper way. She is my angel now. An angel I know only wants the best for me just as she did all my life.

I hope that you take a moment to show your love and appreciation for all of your loved ones, not only on the holidays but every day, because you never know how many more opportunities you will get to show them how much they mean to you.

Now 2016 will be the year of firsts and the year I somehow learn to live without my Mom. It's been over 3 months since she past but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I'm looking forward to a day without tears but that hasn't happened yet. Something always sets me off and I can't help but cry. I have so much to be thankful for and I'm trying to stay focused on the truly important and meaningful things by showing my appreciation to those people who enrich my life.

I truly appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered their advice and sympathies. I know time will pass and the devastating hurt will soften and I will be able to get through a day without breaking down. Death is a part of life and it will happen to all of us eventually. Hold tight to the good times and live your life to the fullest every single day.

Blessings to you and yours....
XO