I have been trying to do some soul searching so I can find the reason behind the weight. What is keeping me fat? What is it that I keep trying to stuff down my throat? Why can't I find a way to let it all out and get control of my emotions? Why do I feel so out of control and taken advantage of in many situations? People keep telling me it doesn't pay to be nice, I shouldn't be so generous, I should just look out for myself but that doesn't seem right to me. I want to have control of my emotions and not feel like the dam is ready to burst at the drop of a hat, spilled milk or whatever trivial thing that sets me off.
I wonder if everything always has to go back to development and childhood years? I don't think I need to sit on a couch and tell a stranger about my mother and father? I'm sure I could entertain them with some crazy stories - at least the ones I actually remember - and could do my part to help them pay for a fancy new car or vacation home. I know I would never be able to get any closure because the few times I've brought up certain things to my mother she'll insist it never happened and I don't know what I'm talking about. I can be absolutely sure of some of my memories because my brother has the same ones but she'll tell us we don't know what we're talking about and will say "that never happened."
She has convinced herself that we had a perfect childhood and I don't think she can admit to some of things she did. I realize she was raising two kids by herself but it wouldn't hurt to admit that she wasn't always the perfect mother and we certainly did not have a perfect childhood.
I'm starting to think that the reason why I never wanted to have kids is because I didn't want to mess them up. I had a pretty messed up childhood and blocked out so many events. Do I really need to dig all that stuff up to get healthy? I remember reading a passage in Mitch Albom's book the Five People You Meet in Heaven that makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to put all the pieces back together.
He wrote:
Will I ever be able to get control of my emotions or am I shattered beyond repair?All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine
glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others
crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond
repair.
*****
Clarification/Update: I'm not talking about depression although life certainly gets me down sometimes and every woman knows that there are certain times when the moon is right we are more sensitive than others. I'm talking about getting overly emotional in everyday life. I can be feeling fine and having a great day and then tear up over an unintentional comment or thoughtless remark. I just feel as if my emotions are always so raw and right on the surface for everyone to see. I can't seem to hide the fact that I'm upset and when I allow people see how much they get to me it is so frustrating.
I want to be able to get mad and fight without all the waterworks. I want to be able to have an argument or express my emotions without the river of tears. I caught the end of Dirty Dancing this afternoon and starting bawling from the time Johnny came in and said "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," all the way through 'til the end of the movie. I can't even watch a stupid sappy 80's movie without making my make-up run.
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