There is a broken record going round and round in my head. It is scratchy and grates on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. It isn't a catchy tune and I don't want to hear it all day/every day for the rest of my life. The lyrics change from time to time but there is always a general theme: "fat ass, when are you going to get your shit together, are you going to be fat forever, you have to lose weight, you are too fat, what are you waiting for?"
I think about weight loss constantly but can't seem to consistently lose weight and keep it off. On a good week I can lose those 2 pounds but will gain them right back on the weekend and then start all over again. It is such a vicious cycle, it makes me dizzy and I want to get off. I'm sick of losing the same 2 pounds over and over again. It is so frustrating.
Is it the lack of a structured eating schedule on Saturday and Sunday? Do I think I deserve to eat what I want because I was "good" all week? Why do I find it so difficult to resist food I know I will regret eating? I regret it as I'm eating it but I continue to chew and swallow. Why do I make myself miserable by eating foods I know are sabotaging my efforts to lose weight?
I can go out to dinner or a party with the best intentions. I play all the diet girl games and know all the weight loss tricks. I drink lots of water, don't go hungry, fill up on veggies, stay away from the buffet table, take pictures so I keep my hands occupied and not reaching for the snacks but I always end up eating more than I planned and regretting every single bite.
If weight loss is so important to me why do I keep making the same mistakes? I suppose the bright side is I haven't given up yet. I haven't thrown in the towel. I know my future me does not want this body. I'm still determined to figure this out and give her the body she deserves. Eventually I'm going to smash that record into little pieces.
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