I'm Worth It*

Bob, one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser, forced a member of his team, Patty, to admit she was worth it. Bob was in her face, telling her she could do it, she was a Mom, she was strong, she was worth it. He made her say it out loud, "I'm worth it." At first Patty whispered it quiet as a mouse like she didn't want anybody to hear her say it. She didn't believe it. He made her say it again, "I'm worth it." This time she said it with a little more conviction. Bob made her repeat it over and over again. Finally Patty yelled, "I'M WORTH IT" with tears streaming down her face. It was like a dam broke inside her. She admitted she was worth it although I'm not sure she truly believed what she was saying but she said it. I was crying too.

Just recently I wrote a post with the exact same words. I wrote about how I am my own worst critic. I'm always going out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy but I never give myself the same consideration. Maybe I should be talking to myself in the 3rd person. MB, "you are strong, you will do it this time, you will lose the weight, you will keep it off, you are a beautiful person no matter how much you weigh, you are worth it."

Whether I was thin or fat I've never been happy with myself. The more weight I gained the more unhappy I got. I would lose weight, sometimes a substantial amount, start to feel better, start to think I would make it, start to believe in myself and then . . . what . . . WTF happens then? Why haven't I been able to learn this lesson? I'm smarter than this - I just know it.

I've gotten so close to reaching my goals I could taste them (oh, they were soooo sweet). Shortly before reaching a magic number or fitting into those skinny jeans a spell would be cast over me. I would get out of control, I would binge my way back up the scale and back into my fat pants (and my fat pants would get bigger and bigger every time). Why did I always fall back into the bad habits, the binges, the caring but not caring about what I ate, the scale avoidance, the denial, the excuses?

After I climbed my way to another high point on the scale (or past that point but too afraid to get on the scale) it would take months, sometimes years, to get up the courage to try again. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I've never appreciated myself for just being me no matter what my weight. Yes, I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight and I will lose weight but until then I have to believe "I'm worth it" NOW no matter what the scale says. It doesn't matter whether it is 200, 300 or 400+ lbs, I'm worth the fight. I'm going to lose the weight, I'm going to be able to maintain the weight loss and I'm going to be a healthy person. Today is the youngest I'll be for the rest of my life. What am I waiting for. It is now or never. I'm not playing anymore. I'm not giving into the temptations. I'm not going to binge on chocolate, pizza, candy, bread, pasta, anything in excess anymore. I'm going to do it for myself just because "I'm worth it."

* Sorry for the somewhat repetitive post but I felt like Bob was talking to me tonight. I think it was a sign, a message from the ol' idiot box "hello, listen up, yeah, you, the girl crying over there, believe in yourself, you can do it, you're worth it." Thanks Bob.