A New Beginning...

I will be starting a whole new chapter of my life tomorrow. A new job, a new schedule, a new gym, new classes, it's exciting and scary at the same time. I'm trying to stay positive about it and keep telling myself it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Everything happens for a reason and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I know I've been doing allot of bitching and moaning about going back to work, being scared of losing ground, worried about falling back down the dark, scary rabbit hole of bad habits, and not being confident in my ability to continue living this new healthy lifestyle but I'm working on changing my attitude. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and my new job will not be like my old one.

Today is the last day of my glorious, life changing 22 month sabbatical. I am so grateful to have been able to take this time off and find myself again. As upset as I was about being laid off in November 2009 it ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me. There were so many more things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't get around to doing but I need to give myself a little credit for what I did accomplish. I'm happier, stronger and ALMOST 101 pounds lighter and that is certainly something to be proud of and I am proud.

I worked my ass off to get here and I'm not going to allow a job and my need for a paycheck to take any of it away from me. I was hoping I would hit my goal of losing 101 pounds before I started working again but 2 or 3 pounds really doesn't make any difference. If I really wanted to just see that number I could probably sit in a sauna and sweat it out but I've stopped playing those kind of games. It's not about the numbers anymore, it's about feeling good in my own skin, knowing who I am, letting my light shine and showing it to the world.

I am so thankful to have been given the gift of time to travel such a soul saving journey. I can't wait to see what has been written in the next chapter. I've been so blessed. Thank God for miracles. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

This is your life! Are you who you want to be?

Decisions, Decisions ...

How do we ever really know when we make the right ones?

I think I'm going out of my mind. I've been having second thoughts about taking the job I accepted. I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday afternoon thinking that this time next week I'll be back to the daily grind. I know I have to go back but I don't know if I should take advantage of the time remaining to look for something better. I won't have another opportunity to have this kind of time off until I retire (unless I hit the lottery).

I also can't help but feel a bit guilty as well because there are so many people out of work that would jump at the chance to take this opportunity and the others I have turned down but I can't help how I feel. Help! I just don't know what to do.

I'm heading out to my kickboxing class and plan to stay for yoga as well. I'm hoping after two hours of all those endorphins surging through me the right decision will be clear so I can be at peace with it, whatever it is. Maybe I should just leave it to fate and flip a coin.

How do you know when you are making the right decision?

Hit and Run

What is wrong with people? Sometimes I really hate living in the city.

Tuesday night we were home watching the Biggest Loser and we heard a big bang. B asked "what was that?" I said "it sounds like a big truck fell into a sink hole." Last week we had a big sink hole open up down the street so that was the first thing I thought of. B looked out the window but didn't see anything unusual.

The next morning our neighbor called to tell us someone hit our truck last night. We were lucky our neighbor got the plate number. I'm sure the driver of the hit and run vehicle was drunk because he didn't go very far. You could follow the plastic parts and scrape marks around the corner to find a vehicle that was severely damaged. My truck was smashed from the rear bumper to the front bumper but the other guy's vehicle was destroyed. His airbag went off, his front right tire was twisted sideways and there was a big dent and scrape marks all up the passenger's side.

We met with the local police who towed the vehicle and then he went to talk with the registered owners who live about a mile away. The officer said they would probably say the vehicle was stolen but apparently they fessed up (through an interpreter) that they hit a vehicle the night before but didn't stop and tell anyone about it. My guess is they decided it was better to get fined for leaving the scene of an accident than getting a DUI.

I spent the rest of the week dealing with the insurance company, the body shop and the car rental place. The worst part about it is we won't have our truck for the weekend and we need it to be able to trailer the snowmobiles so we can go riding. None of the rental places rent trucks with trailer hitches so we need to figure out how to get the sleds to the snow. It may be the last time we get to ride since we seem to be having the same strange weather as Vancouver and the temperatures are supposed to really warm up.

I used to get really upset when my vehicle got scratched or damaged but after it happened so many times I'm kind of numb to it now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the body shop does good work and the idiot who hit us stays off the road when he's drunk.

Go Ahead - Make My Day

*

There is one surefire way to make a 40+ year old woman feel good - card her. B and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a volcano bowl to share (mmm...volcano bowl). After the waiter took our order he walked away and returned a minute later to ask for my ID. I could have kissed him. I said "me?" "really?" "how old do you think I am?" "THANK YOU!"

Before I hit legal drinking age many moons ago, I used to pray I wouldn't get carded but when it happens now it makes my day. I think one of the only positive things about being overweight is that it plumps out the wrinkles and makes you look younger. I'd gladly trade 80+- pounds for a few wrinkles though.

*Updated to add photo of Volcano Bowl for those who said they've never seen/heard of them.

Begging for Change

People who want to lose weight know they need to change the habits that made them fat. Change is hard and change is scary but it is inevitable. Everything changes. Change is good and we should stop trying to fight it.

We can't keep doing the same things, getting unsatisfactory long term results and repeating the process over and over. That's not change, that's going in circles. Most people who are successful in losing weight stop eating crappy chemical laden foods, watch less tv, eat real healthy fruits, vegetables and protein, and move their bodies regularly until they work up a good sweat and they commit to a different healthier lifestyle. If they are successful they change their bad habits with good and they change their lives.


This post is really about a different kind of change unrelated to weight loss but it shows that no matter how much we crave change and even beg for it but we have to be willing to accept it.



I was walking down the street during my lunch hour in downtown Boston last week when I noticed a nickel on the ground. I pick it up since in these tough financial times, every little bit helps, right? Before I put the found money in my pocket I notice a "homeless" guy I see all the time in the same spot standing there with his cup jingling. I've seen this guy for years and he has never been very nice whether I give him money or not but whatever. I drop the nickel in his cup with a smile and walked past only to hear a coin drop in front of me. I turned to my friend and asked "did that guy just throw the nickel at me?" WTF! Really? Was it not enough? Does he only accept quarters or dollars? Was he offended I picked it up and didn't add to it before giving it to him? I guess since he doesn't pay taxes he can afford to throw money away.



I think this experience just goes to prove that even if we are out there begging for change we have to be able to accept it when it is given to us.

Tragic Loss

Here in the world of weight loss blogging we do allot of navel gazing. We agonize over our fat and how desperately we want to get rid of it, we struggle, we work hard, we encourage each other and we spend so much of time fretting over what the scale will tell us. Did we eat enough fruits and vegetables? Did we refrain from eating sugary treats and fattening stuff? Did we workout hard enough and long enough?

Some fellow bloggers feel like family even though we've never met in real life. These are the people who cheer for our successes and encourage us to keep trying when we slip up. We feel like we really know them because they let us into their lives through their blogs. Some of us inspire (not me) and some of us get inspired by the successes of the weight loss rock stars.

We spend years of our lives worrying over our weight when it really isn't important at all in the big scheme of things. Of course we need to take care of ourselves but it is more important to live our lives RIGHT NOW, not after we lose "X" amount of pounds.

I've spent all morning crying over the tragic death of Kimberly Emmert, a woman I never met. Kimberly is Jen's mother who was struck and killed by a man backing out of a driveway as she was walking her grandson yesterday afternoon. I imagine she walked this walk many times and yesterday was just another day out walking until tragedy struck and she was gone.

Jen has been an inspiration to me and I loved reading her Mom's comments on her blog. Her Mom was always encouraging and supportive of her and it was a joy to have a peak into a healthy mother-daughter relationship. It is something I wish I had.

Today is the day Jen was hoping to hit the 100 pound loss goal she set for herself two years ago.

Do you think Jen even gave a second thought to what the scale said today? I have a feeling she would gladly take back all the weight she worked so hard to lose if she could have her mother back.

Life is too short to waste time stressing over our weight. Yes, we should eat healthy, exercise regularly and do whatever we can to live a long and healthy life so we can be with our family and friends. We don't know how long we have and we need to cherish every moment. Don't waste another minute of your life.

Live your life to the fullest RIGHT NOW and be sure to tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. You never know when they will be taken from you or you taken from them.

My heart is breaking for Jen and her family. I will be keeping them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope they are able to keep Kimberly alive in their hearts with their happy memories.

Time Keeps Tickin'

I remember when I couldn't wait to be a teenager. It felt like I waited FOREVER to get my driver's license, graduate, vote, and pretend to be a grown up with a job and my own place to live. I still don't feel like a grown up but I can't deny I have all the symptoms and wrinkles don't lie. The years seem to speed up the older I get. Weren't we just making those New Years resolutions yesterday?

The weekend days fly by but Monday through Friday 9 to 5 seems like an eternity. I'm convinced my lunch hour is the shortest hour of the workday. Vacation days disappear in the blink of an eye. Is it just me?

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I'll be 42 in a couple of weeks. It'll be two years since I started this blog and I haven't come close to reaching my goals. I've wasted so much time trying to get (back) into the body I want. Will it ever happen?

I struggle for weeks to lose a few pounds only to gain them back over a bad weekend. I don't want to live the second half of my life wishing and hoping I did it and having to live with the regret. That's no way to live. I need to lose it before I run out of time.

We're not getting any younger.

Inside Out

Today was one of THOSE days. I think I need to start having more caffeine in the morning so I stop doing stupid things. What I did this morning is almost as funny as when I wore two different shoes to work and didn't realize it for hours.


The forecast was warning it was going to be a scorcher today with temps in the 90s so I tried to find my lightest weight top to wear to work today. I couldn't find the shirt I was looking for so I threw on what I could find that fit and started rushing out the door. I was running a little late but would still make it to work on time if I caught the bus and the train without too long of a wait. As I was heading out the door I saw the lighter weight shirt I was looking for so I whipped off the shirt I put on and threw the lighter shirt on and ran out the door. I walked down the street to the bus stop and as I started reading my book I looked down and noticed the seam on the outside of my shirt. OMG - I put my shirt on backwards!! Now what am I going to do? Do I wait 'til I take the bus and the train and walk to the office to change, do I run back to the house and miss the bus, do I stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum? Do I go home and crawl back into bed?


I knew I would miss the bus if I went all the way back up the three flights of stairs to my apartment so I went up on my front porch which is hidden behind three massive trees to quickly turn my shirt around.


Yeah, it was another one of THOSE days. Am I the only one who leaves the house with two different shoes and inside out clothes?

These Shoes Were Made for Walkin'

As I was getting ready to head out to lunch today around 1:30 pm I looked down and said to myself "I can't believe I wore my sneakers to work," and then I looked at my other foot and realized I had a different shoe on it. They were both black and, apparently, the same height because I didn't feel any difference. I couldn't stop laughing. Not only did I not realize I had two different shoes for over 5 hours but not one person in my office noticed it either. Luckily I keep a few extra pairs of shoes at work so I didn't have to walk around with two different shoes ALL day. I don't think I've ever done that before.

I must really need a vacation. Good thing I'm taking next week off to go snowmobiling in the great white north.

Is this what happens when you get old? I'm going to have to start double checking my footwear before I walk out the door in the morning.

Right Now

Right here, right now is all we really have. I spend so much time thinking of how I lost weight in the past. What worked, what didn't work, how long it took, how much weight did I lose, what did I eat or not eat, how hard or easy was it, what size did I get in, where did I find the motivation to stick with it, what was going on in my life that made it easier or harder to do?

I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.

It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.

When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.

I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?

It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?

I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.

Will I ever figure this out?

Bad to Worse ...

Not only am I being forced to work for someone I don't like but they are insisting I move my desk to another part of the office. Right now I sit in a 2 person station with a right handed desk and they want to move me closer to the new guy in a four person station in a left handed desk. I absolutely don't want to move.

The good news is I made an appointment to see a headhunter Monday morning. He said he has some good positions available. I also talked to my boss about my issues with the "restructuring" and told him I was not happy about working for the other guy but would do it but if they forced me to move my desk I was going to be looking for another job as much as I love working for him. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the executive committee but wasn't sure if they would change their decision.

I'm glad it is Friday but I'm already dreading going back to work Monday. I'm afraid I'm going to go in and they will have already moved my stuff to the new area.

UGGHH!

One of THOSE days ....

I thought my day couldn't get any worse after I realized I lost my T-pass (train/ bus prepaid monthly pass) and MP3 player ... boy, was I wrong.

I left for work a few minutes late and as I was running for the bus I realized I didn't have my T-pass that I keep in a badge holder along with my MP3 player so I let the bus pass and ran back up (3 flights of stairs) to my apartment to look for it. I looked everywhere, dumped my bag on the kitchen table and searched every pocket I had on yesterday - no luck. So now I was out $59 for the pass and $?? for the music and player.

With that stellar start I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. The ax came down at work and the pink slips went flying around. I still have a job but will be working for different people (who I don't particularly like) instead of the two great guys I work for now. Two of my good friends and another woman who I don't know very well got "laid off" due to "restructuring." Both of my good friends have worked for the firm 10+ years and one of them is a single mother. It isn't bad enough that they laid them off but they gave them absolutely no notice and only 4 weeks severance.

I realize these are tough economic times but how can you do that to someone after 10 years ... tell them at 3:00 to pack their bags and be out by 5:00. We all got 10 year bonuses just months ago.

My head hurts. I am so irritated and frustrated because I am unable to control my emotions when having tough conversations with my boss (or anyone). I am extremely sensitive (always have been) to the point where my eyes start tearing up and my throat constricts to the point I can't even speak. There are times I want to scream and yell but can't seem to keep it together long enough to do that and just cry like a baby instead. WTF!! I'm over 40 years old and I still haven't learned how to control my emotions enough to have a difficult conversation. I'm continually rendered moot by my sensitivity and raw emotions. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the blubbering like an idiot? It is ridiculous.

I have a feeling we haven't seen the end to the cuts and changes. I almost wish they had laid me off instead because that would have given me the kick in the *ss to get the hell out of there and find another job. I think I will be actively looking now because I am not happy at all about my new position.

I did some research on-line and there isn't much out there for me. I'm on the edge just waiting for one of the heartless bastards to push me over. UGGHH!!!

No Longer Incognito

So many bloggers out there are an open book for all the world to see, they don't hold anything back. We make blog friends and feel we know them intimately but I wonder if we would be friends in real life just because we enjoy reading their life story. I feel like I know some of my blog friends even better than my real world friends because they share all these details that you don't normally talk about face to face even with your closest friends and family.

We know where they live, what they eat, how often they work out, what their cycle is, how often they get it or don't get it, who their friends are, who they're mad at, and all the little details of their lives. We get to see photos of them and all the people in their lives because they choose to share that information with all of us out in the world wide web. They spill their guts, talk openly about their relationships, kids, work, up and downs and everything in between and I admire them for it and love reading the story of their lives. They strip down for us and show their true selves or the selves they want us to see. Maybe it is a form of voyeurism in some way and we get a thrill looking into their world.

I started this blog with the intention of keeping it anonymous. I mistakenly thought with all the blogs out there it would be nearly impossible for someone I know in real life to find it but I've been outed and forced out of the blog closet. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I liked the idea of being able to talk about my feelings and work through my issues with my weight without being embarrassed or censored because of who might be reading.

If you blog anonymously, would you change what you write because you know certain people are reading? If you are an open book, do you censer what you say in any way because you don't want to offend anyone or be embarrassed about your thoughts?

It is very bright out here in the open but I don't think it is possible to get back in that closet and lock the door.