Three years ago today I started this blog hoping it would help me work through my issues with food. I needed to figure out why I stuffed myself until I felt sick and then ate some more while simultaneously thinking about how I needed to lose weight. I wanted to document my final journey down the scale because this was it. I wasn't messing around anymore. I was determined to do it right this time. I was sick and tired of stuffing food down my throat to prevent my emotions from bubbling up and out. I was sick and tired of the reflection I saw in the mirror, I was sick and tired of not fitting into any of my clothes. I was sick and tired of my boyfriend asking me when I was going to get on a serious program. I was sick and tired of it all.
Back then I was inspired watching PastaQueen and DietGirl transform themselves right before my eyes and I wanted to be just like them. I didn't expect a book deal but I desperately wanted those "after" pictures showing how I finally made it. I didn't even have as much to lose as they had but I couldn't seem to find that switch I needed to flick to make any lasting progress.
This was the place that was going to encourage and inspire me to lose the weight I'd been able to lose before but always managed to gain back. I had recently turned 40 and didn't want to waste another decade of my life being fat. I didn't have the nerve to record my weight at the time but I know I had gotten to a new high of 220 pounds.
I was stressed out and miserable at work and couldn't find any strength to make lasting changes. I was too tired to get up early and workout. After being abused all day at work I didn't have the energy to go to the gym, I just wanted to go home and unwind. I binged on bag after bag of chocolate covered pretzels regularly. I would get 3 or 4 bite size chocolates almost every day after lunch to give me strength to get through the afternoon, along with all the coffee and tea. I gave into the temptation of the free pastries, bagels, cookies and other crap that was regularly in the office and then indulged on the weekend because, dammit, I deserved it after the stressful week I had.
Unfortunately just starting this blog didn't make weight loss magic happen. I continued down the same path I had been on for years. I'd lose 2 or 3 pounds and then gain 5 back, get depressed, get stressed and eat more junk. It was a vicious cycle. Two years later I was still blogging but I hadn't made any progress in losing weight.
In January 2008 I worked up the nerve to divulge my weight, an even higher all time high of 226 pounds. I was so miserable and stressed out at my job and couldn't stop myself from binging and eating way more than any human needs to eat. By the time I got laid off in November 2009, I had binged and lazed my way all the way up to 242 pounds.
Losing my job after 11+ years was scary and depressing but it was the best thing that could have happened. It wasn't until I got laid off in November 2009 that I really started losing weight. I had time to go to the gym, go food shopping and cook healthy dinners regularly. I was waking up happy instead of sick to my stomach about having to go into the hell hole where I worked and getting abused every single day. I started to remember who I used to be before getting beat down by stress. I felt like I got my life back.
As of last Friday I've lost just over 40 pounds and I'm on the threshold of breaking through to the 100s any day now. That works out to an average of 13 1/2 pounds A YEAR which sounds a bit pathetic since I had anticipated being able to lose all the weight I needed to lose in one year, maybe a year and a half tops. Hell, I lost 60+ pounds at least twice before and each time it didn't take longer than six months. Why is it taking so long this time?
I feel like a completely different person than the one that started this blog. I feel blessed to have had this time off to get myself together and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to continue to keep up the pace when I have to go back to the daily grind. Will I be able to continue what I've been doing when I have to fit 40 hours of work into the equation? Will I be able to deal with the stress without using food to help me cope? I certainly hope so.
For now I'm just going to continue the Tippy Toe weight loss plan as I've been doing the last nine months or so. It's not sensational drastic Biggest Loser-type weight loss but it's working so I'm not messing with it. Maybe I needed to lose it slowly so I can learn how to keep it off permanently.
Three years later I'm not at my goal but I'm making progress and still fighting the good fight. I'll get to that ultimate goal someday and I hope you're all here to go to the big dance with me. In the meantime, there will be a small onederland dance very soon to tide you over 'til the big one. I was hoping it would happen today but I had some delicious fresh homemade salsa from Biz to test out and tortilla chips were the easiest and fastest way to polish off a jar.
I absolutely love and adore all the friends I've made here, the support I get when I'm down, the encouragement to keep trying, the advice on how to do it healthily, and especially the ass kickin' you've given me when I needed it these past three years. I truly appreciate each and every comment you've taken the time to write. It's nice to know I'm not in this alone in this battle.
Some of you have already come back from the front lines and have gone back into civilian fat-free life and some of you, like me, are still fighting the war one battle at a time. No matter where you are on this journey I think it's time we realized that we can't change the past and just need to learn from our mistakes and move on. I'm hoping to get to my goal by my 4th Blogiversary. Wish me luck.
Thank you for being a big part of my journey. You are the BEST!