Monday, August 16, 2010

Three Years Ago Today ...

Three years ago today I started this blog hoping it would help me work through my issues with food. I needed to figure out why I stuffed myself until I felt sick and then ate some more while simultaneously thinking about how I needed to lose weight. I wanted to document my final journey down the scale because this was it. I wasn't messing around anymore. I was determined to do it right this time. I was sick and tired of stuffing food down my throat to prevent my emotions from bubbling up and out. I was sick and tired of the reflection I saw in the mirror, I was sick and tired of not fitting into any of my clothes. I was sick and tired of my boyfriend asking me when I was going to get on a serious program. I was sick and tired of it all.

Back then I was inspired watching PastaQueen and DietGirl transform themselves right before my eyes and I wanted to be just like them. I didn't expect a book deal but I desperately wanted those "after" pictures showing how I finally made it. I didn't even have as much to lose as they had but I couldn't seem to find that switch I needed to flick to make any lasting progress.

This was the place that was going to encourage and inspire me to lose the weight I'd been able to lose before but always managed to gain back. I had recently turned 40 and didn't want to waste another decade of my life being fat. I didn't have the nerve to record my weight at the time but I know I had gotten to a new high of 220 pounds.

I was stressed out and miserable at work and couldn't find any strength to make lasting changes. I was too tired to get up early and workout. After being abused all day at work I didn't have the energy to go to the gym, I just wanted to go home and unwind. I binged on bag after bag of chocolate covered pretzels regularly. I would get 3 or 4 bite size chocolates almost every day after lunch to give me strength to get through the afternoon, along with all the coffee and tea. I gave into the temptation of the free pastries, bagels, cookies and other crap that was regularly in the office and then indulged on the weekend because, dammit, I deserved it after the stressful week I had.

Unfortunately just starting this blog didn't make weight loss magic happen. I continued down the same path I had been on for years. I'd lose 2 or 3 pounds and then gain 5 back, get depressed, get stressed and eat more junk. It was a vicious cycle. Two years later I was still blogging but I hadn't made any progress in losing weight.

In January 2008 I worked up the nerve to divulge my weight, an even higher all time high of 226 pounds. I was so miserable and stressed out at my job and couldn't stop myself from binging and eating way more than any human needs to eat. By the time I got laid off in November 2009, I had binged and lazed my way all the way up to 242 pounds.

Losing my job after 11+ years was scary and depressing but it was the best thing that could have happened. It wasn't until I got laid off in November 2009 that I really started losing weight. I had time to go to the gym, go food shopping and cook healthy dinners regularly. I was waking up happy instead of sick to my stomach about having to go into the hell hole where I worked and getting abused every single day. I started to remember who I used to be before getting beat down by stress. I felt like I got my life back.

As of last Friday I've lost just over 40 pounds and I'm on the threshold of breaking through to the 100s any day now. That works out to an average of 13 1/2 pounds A YEAR which sounds a bit pathetic since I had anticipated being able to lose all the weight I needed to lose in one year, maybe a year and a half tops. Hell, I lost 60+ pounds at least twice before and each time it didn't take longer than six months. Why is it taking so long this time?

I feel like a completely different person than the one that started this blog. I feel blessed to have had this time off to get myself together and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to continue to keep up the pace when I have to go back to the daily grind. Will I be able to continue what I've been doing when I have to fit 40 hours of work into the equation? Will I be able to deal with the stress without using food to help me cope? I certainly hope so.

For now I'm just going to continue the Tippy Toe weight loss plan as I've been doing the last nine months or so. It's not sensational drastic Biggest Loser-type weight loss but it's working so I'm not messing with it. Maybe I needed to lose it slowly so I can learn how to keep it off permanently.

Three years later I'm not at my goal but I'm making progress and still fighting the good fight. I'll get to that ultimate goal someday and I hope you're all here to go to the big dance with me. In the meantime, there will be a small onederland dance very soon to tide you over 'til the big one. I was hoping it would happen today but I had some delicious fresh homemade salsa from Biz to test out and tortilla chips were the easiest and fastest way to polish off a jar.

I absolutely love and adore all the friends I've made here, the support I get when I'm down, the encouragement to keep trying, the advice on how to do it healthily, and especially the ass kickin' you've given me when I needed it these past three years. I truly appreciate each and every comment you've taken the time to write. It's nice to know I'm not in this alone in this battle.

Some of you have already come back from the front lines and have gone back into civilian fat-free life and some of you, like me, are still fighting the war one battle at a time. No matter where you are on this journey I think it's time we realized that we can't change the past and just need to learn from our mistakes and move on. I'm hoping to get to my goal by my 4th Blogiversary. Wish me luck.

Thank you for being a big part of my journey. You are the BEST!



    Even though it has taken you a while to lose those 16 pounds, I'll bet they won't come back. I think you are doing a fabulous job and I love reading your blog. :)

    You are awesome!!

  2. 13.5 pounds per year is amazing, and slow and steady means you're a zillion times likelier to keep it off. Congratulations and happy blogiversary!

  3. Congratulations on ALL your accomplishments. Slow and steady wins the race. I lost focus in the blog world several months ago, but I am back now and more determined than ever. You are an inspiring lady. Like many others, I relate to your stuggles and battles, but sticking together we can win the fights and the wars. I hope to make the same friendships you have and one day inspire someone else. I enjoy reading your blogs, you are an amazing woman!

    Much Love!

  4. If you had succeeded in the first two years, I wouldn't have gotten to share your journey. Congratulations on your accomplishments thus far, and I hope we can do the happy dance with you in a few days.

  5. Thanks for sharing your journey with us! Happy Blogiversary!

  6. Hey, slow and steady is the best way because you're mentally in it!

    Can't wait for the onederland celebration :)

  7. Fantastic post! You are doing so great, keep the momentum going.

  8. Loved reading this post - let's both try to finish up this year with more weight loss!


  9. Happy Blogiversary! It might be slow, but it's been steady! Same with me. It's taken me 11 months to lose my very first 40 pounds (ever, in my whole life!). But it's been steady. That's what counts!

  10. You have done fantastic this year. So what if it took you the first couple years to really get down to business.

  11. You know what. I am so stinking proud of you! it's not the goal of getting there fast it's just getting there! And you are!! congrats on that!! You go girl!

  12. Hi, hope it's OK to contact you here. We would love to include your blog on our giveaway search engine: Giveaway Scout ( Have a look and if interested, use our online form to add your blog ( ). thanks, Josh

  13. CONGRATS!!! I'd take your 13 1/2 in a NY minute!! August 2009 I stepped on the scale and it said 299.8 lbs. I had lost 40.2 lbs since the beginning of the forward to August 2010. Stepped on the scale this morning 326.6. Having a HORRIBLE time of it, struggling terribly. I just can't make it click, but I'm not going to give up. Been checking every week to see when you hit onderland. I will definitely be here to party!! (With veggies and humus of course ;). Keep up the GREAT work!!

  14. Jill: I'm doing everything I can to make sure I never see those 40+ (not 16) pounds ever again. I love reading your blog too, especially when you get in my head and write exacting what I'm thinking but don't have the writing skills to express it as well as you do. Oh, and I broke down and attacked those crackers last night. They wouldn't stop calling to me so I had to shut them up somehow.

    Becca: I like those odds. ;)

    Sabrina: Thanks. You're so sweet. I'm glad you have your focus back. I'll be one of your biggest cheerleaders and I have no doubt you will make lots of blog friendships. There are so many amazing inspiring bloggers out here and I'm lucky to have the best of them here. Keep rockin' that determination and making progress. We'll get there.

    Jo: I guess that's just one of the reasons I had to struggle so much for the first two years. Get ready to dance soon.

    Katie: Thanks ;)

    Manuela: It really is a mental game more than anything else. I'm going to hit the party store for hats and confetti.

    LAF: Just trying to continue my Walk in Loveliness ....

    Biz: Yes, let's get on the train with all those cool kids.

    Laura: I'm always jealous when I see people losing so quickly but we have to do what works for us and if it's slow and steady we'll just be a little late to the party. Keep up the great work you've been doing. I'm glad you left a comment so I could find you. I'll be checking in and cheering you on. We'll get there.

    She Woke Up Fat: Thanks. I'm really getting down to business now and that's what counts.

    Lori: Thanks!

    Diana: *blushing* I'm going to try to make you even prouder.

    Josh: I've seen this same comment on a ton of blogs. Are you scammin'/spammin' me?

    Tonya: I'm sorry you've been struggling and the weight I'm sure you worked hard to lose found you again. I've been there. I know exactly how it feels but don't give up. Start making little changes and hop back on the wagon. We'll all be here to give you a hand. I can't wait to come to your party ;)

  15. Happy Blogiversary!!! Sorry I'm late, but I'm not less enthusiastic. You're accomplishing wonderful things, and I'm soooo happy for you!

  16. (Oh, and thanks for the mention!)

  17. Congratulations on all you have accomplished. I love your positive attitude!

  18. Thank you for being so honest. I've also started a journey with my weight. I am the heaviest I've ever been - EVER. The depression can be overwhelming and suck everything out of you. I'm going to watch your progress and I would love it if you would watch mine. I will be 42 in a couple of weeks and you are right - it doesn't come off as quickly as it did in my thirties. Good luck to you.

  19. Congrats & Good Luck!

  20. Happy blog anniversary! congrats on all you have accomplished over these past years, and you should be very proud because it may have taken you a while to get on the right path, but you have and you are doing so well.

  21. MB,
    I love you too!!!!!!!!!!! and your blog!!!
    So happy to have met you here. And so happy that you are sharing your journey with us.
    Remember we will be here always! Take things easy and know that we will be around regardless.


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