If you read my last post you know I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday after seeing pictures of myself taken over the weekend. I can't believe how quickly I could go from feeling excited and proud of myself for breaking through to the 100s to being frustrated, disgusted and depressed by the sight of my image caught on film.
I need to focus on how far I've come, not how far I still have to go. I'm working out, I'm feeling stronger, I'm eating better, I'm not stress eating, I'm not eating to stuff my emotions down, I'm not binging and I'm finally losing weight.
I think I should take some progress photos and try to get over my photo phobia or at least be able to look at the pictures and see how far I've come and stop focusing on how far I still have to go.
It's time for me to snap out of it and move on. I'm heading to the gym now to work up a sweat and try to get myself firmly planted in onederland soil.
Thanks for picking me up while I was down. You guys are the BEST! This pity party is officially over. It's time to rock on!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
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Ack, I hate that feeling. I'll be walking around feeling preeeeety good about myself and mt wt ls, see a girl in skinny jeans and boots and think, "I could rock that look" and then see myself in a shop window and realize, no, in fact, I could not.
ReplyDeleteBut we really have come a long way and we do look great, we just have to learn to give ourselves more credit!
You know, now that I've read this post and the last one, I just realized you don't have any progress pics up on your blog! And why the hell not woman???? lol If I've got one at 272 lbs, surely you can put some up!!! Seriously...I know you don't want to show your face...but put some headless ones up from 40 lbs ago, and one from now, and another in the next 20 lbs, and on down the scale. It really does make a difference. Of course....this doesn't work so well in reverse. I put one up around 230 lbs I think, and now that I'm back up to 250+, looking back at the 230 one makes me want to barf. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I still feel the same away about the photos now. One of MY big challenges in life is not feeling good enough. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not short enough, not happy enough, not smart enough, not good-mom enough, etc.
ReplyDeleteSo, looking a picture and being disappointed? That's simply a manifestation of my own issues. I don't think they're really about the pictures at all, I think it's about not being happy with who I am. Like I said, I looked at those wedding pictures expecting to see someone else.
Look, (and this was something I should have been clearer about yesterday) when you look into the mirror or at a picture of yourself, that is the ONLY time when you can see an image of someone AND see EVERYTHING inside that someone too - all at the same moment. All the past mistakes, all the regrets, all the embarrassing moments, all the years passing, all the years in front of you that are unknown, all the things you have to do, all the things you didn't. When you look at yourself, you don't just see the flat, 2-D person sitting there. You see yourself, but in about 16 different dimensions, and in all the ways no one else possibly can.
And looking at yourself is HARD. really really hard. Because to really look at yourself means looking at someone with no nice filters to lighten-up everything. And so, when you see a picture of yourself, you see EVERYTHING.
It's the rare person who can detach from all the mental baggage and just say "Huh, nice pic!"
But, at the same time, that's something to be aware of. It IS you in it. All the good stuff too. One thing I learned about hitting goal weight and being thin (which I'm not now, I rebounded a little bit for probably this reason) is that it doesn't change who are. You get to goal, and you say "Cool!....er... now what? And Why the HECK am I not suddenly a better mom/work/whatever? Isn't this the finish line?" Part of getting to your goal MUST be about knowing that who you are will be with you too. The goal is not the end, and likely the weight is NOT just about weight. So while you lose a pound here, and 10 there, you also need to gain a pound of acceptance and even appreciation for yourself. It's where I screwed up. It's where I don't have the answers as to how to go about doing that, and that they are different for everyone. But I know it's also the absolute truth, and I work on it every day too.
You need to be able to look at a picture of yourself at any weight and know that WHO you are is just awesome, regardless of any mistakes or flaws. Which INCLUDES the outside. Achieve THAT, and looking at those pictures won't rock your boat anymore. ;)
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ReplyDeleteYou have a great attitude! Just keep going and dont get frustrated. Sounds like you are back on track so keep up the good work! Its also nice to hear that Im not the only one with this issue :)
ReplyDeleteAWE~ Self Image. She is fickle, no?? I struggle everyday, just like all of us do. You have a super attitude.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
Oh the stupid camera, how I hate it!! I shouldn't though, right? Even if we're not 100% happy with what the camera shows it still is documanting our progress :) I'm really pushing it on the optimism here but hey it's better than crying. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me. I need you to rub off on me right now. I've got to get out of my sweatpants, rejoin the 100's club, and do a happy dance. Keep on kickin' it lady!!
ReplyDeleteHELLS YES to the ROCK ON!
ReplyDeleteand yet I so wanna step back and cheer on the pity party as you called it as well.
for me its only when I STOP and whine a bit and STOMP MY FEET (alas literally not figuratively :)) that I CAN move forward.
MizFit
Brooke: It's about time we started giving ourselves some credit for what we've accomplished and stop stressing about what still needs to be done and just do it.
ReplyDeleteTammy: I sent you a link to my one and only headless photo post. Maybe if I start taking some progress photos it will help me get over my fear of photos. If you can get Dwayne on board it will be so much easier for you to get back down to 230 and beyond. Oh, the struggle ...
Kyra: I've got the "short enough" part down. When I look at pictures of you I see a beautiful, vibrant, sexy, smart, drop dead gorgeous woman and it seems crazy that you don't see the same thing. I think we are all too hard on ourselves and I'm trying to talk to myself the way I talk to my friends. I would never say to a friend "OMG, you look so fat in this picture," so why do I do it to myself? How is it that you are so young and so wise? I hope we can both find our way to acceptance and appreciation.
Post-It Notes: Ah, so many issues, so little time to get over them.
F. McButter Pants: Yes, Self Image is a fickle bitch. It's time we show her who's boss.
River: I really should just look at those pictures and think "I've made great progress." Keep pushing the optimism - it's definitely better than tears.
Brooke: Wow, that's quite a switch. You've been inspiring me for a long time even through your recent struggles. Now it's time to put those sweatpants to use for their intended purpose - sweat. Let's kick it!
MizFit: Feet stomping burns calories too, right? I should be far ahead of the pack by now with all my whining but need to remember it's a process. I'll get there, kicking, screaming and stomping my feet most of the way.
Everyone: Once again, thank you! You guys ROCK!
No sugar-coating from me!:) I too felt very downcast when I saw the pictures taken at my sister's wedding not very long ago. I feel I spoiled the wedding party, and the official album photographs, because I looked so FAT. I thought I looked good too...until I saw the pictures and my bubble was burst. It's so true that we are what we are. Losing weight won't change us. All we can change is our physical shape....and we are working on it - so that's a reason to remain upbeat.
ReplyDelete(I get the sneaking suspicion that many women - slim ones too - look at photos of themselves and immediately see faults where no one else does! Why do we do this to ourselves?)
Yes, look at how far you have come. You have made substantial progress. It's odd how even though we've lost weight we can be hyper critical of ourselves even now. Hold on to what you've accomplished and just keep pushing forward. We are our worst critics you know.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up.
paula
hey!! you have a wonderful blog. thanks for sharing your weight lost progress here. keep it up and never give up. you can do it.
ReplyDeleteYou should be so proud of yourself!! I love the tone of this post - so positive and I think taking progress pics will just show you how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteHope you have an awesome weekend!
Getting into the 100's is an amazing accomplishment! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about having your photo taken. I am photophobic too! I need to have them taken so I can see my progress. I don't know I'll be brave enough to post them or not.
If you place a pic of yourself back where you started next to the one that was just taken, how do you feel? Can you be delighted at your progress so far, even while you feel like you've still got some work to be done? Good for you, getting out there for some exercise, even though you were bummed about the pic ;)
ReplyDelete