GOOOOAL!!!

What a day!

Today was truly a day of new beginnings. Not only was today my first at my new job but it was the day I finally reached my goal of losing 101 pounds! Talk about starting the day off on the right foot. My Wii scale showed 141.1 but I'm rounding down and calling it a victory. 101 POUNDS LOST! I can hardly believe it. Somebody pinch me.

It took 22 months of unemployment, relatively sane eating, lots of soul searching, faith, determination, tons of ellipticalling, walking, TaeBox, running and biking along with a little swimming, zumba, muscle flex, belly dancing and tabata but I DID IT! FINALLY!

No matter where you are on your journey, no matter how hard or unattainable your goal may seem, just keep moving in the right direction one step at a time. Don't worry about how long it will take you, how many obstacles you may have to maneuver around or how many restarts you have to make, just stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there. Remember, it's not a race, slow and steady will get you there eventually as long as you keep moving in the right direction. GO TURTLES!

Now comes the hard part ~ maintenance. Wish me luck.

Rock on, My Friends!

How Did I Get Here?

As I sit here, I am a mere 4.6 pounds away from reaching my goal of losing 101 pounds. Really? I'm wearing sizes 4's, 6's and 8's. Really? I'm working out regularly. Really? I love kickboxing. Really? I'm not binging and stuffing my emotions down with food anymore. Really? I still indulge in cakes, cookies and ice cream on occasion. Really? Who am I and how did I get here?

My goal weight is probably higher than "they" recommend but I think it's realistic and maintainable. It's a little crazy to think that my goal weight is probably the same weight I was when I started my very first diet and thought I was SO FAT. Oh, why are we so stupid when we're young? Why can't we really see ourselves? What was I thinking?

Losing weight, no matter how you do it, is NEVER easy. We all want a magic pill, a quick and easy plan, a list of foods to eat and a list to stay away from. We look to anyone and everyone to tell us HOW to do it when, like Dorothy with her ruby slippers, we finally realize that we have the power, we've had the power all along.

I do feel like I had a little bit of an advantage this time around because when I got laid off in November 2009 I got rid of the crushing stress that was sucking the life out of me and had the luxury of having the time to devote to going to the gym like it was my job. I was determined to take advantage of the time and work on finding myself.

For the first few months I pretty much stuck to the elliptical machine. I always picked a machine that was far away from the mirrors and in the back row because I didn't want to look at myFATself and I certainly didn't want anyone else watching me. I would struggle to stay on there for 30 minutes at Level 1. I was barely able to keep the machine from shutting down because I was moving so slow. It was hard but I forced myself to go and just do it at least 5 days a week. After a few months I was able to increase my time to 60 minutes but it was hard. Very rarely I would venture off to the dreadmill (snore), bike (ouch-knee pain) and weight room (zzzzz) to mix things up a bit but I felt I got my best workouts on the elliptical.

Although I've never been much of a cook, funds were low and I was forced to cut down on eating out. No matter what I threw together at home it was almost always healthier and less fattening than anything I would get at a restaurant. I wasn't stress eating and I was getting better at controlling my binge episodes. I wasn't stressed out and there weren't so many emotions swirling around anymore so I stopped trying to stuff them down with vast amounts of food.

The weight wasn't coming off fast, as you can clearly see from my weekly weigh-ins on the sidebar, but it was coming off, sometimes a tenth of a pound at a time, sometimes adjusting upwards, but I knew I was onto something. I felt better and more determined than ever. I was doing something consistently and I knew if I stuck with it I would continue to see results.

After I lost about 50-60 pounds I finally worked up the courage to try a Zumba class and shortly after that my friend invited me to join her for a cardio kickboxing class. As you know by now, I absolutely love getting my ass kicked. I wish I had done it sooner. There isn't a single person in those classes that care how heavy you are, how high you can kick or how much you sweat. They are there for themselves and don't really care how you look. I can't believe I now look forward to working out and will rearrange my schedule so I don't miss my classes.

It took way too long but I finally learned that there is no magic pill or easy way to lose weight. You may find something that works for a while, allows you to drop the weight and then it all comes back and brings more fat along with it. I didn't try to force myself to live by someone else's rules. I didn't count points, I didn't count calories, there were no foods that were off limits, I still ate cake and cookies and everything I wanted but I ate it in moderation. There were no rules and there was no deadline.

There wasn't a single week over the past 20 months that I lost more than 5 pounds. The most I lost in a single week was 4.8 pounds and then the following week I gained back 3.3 pounds. Of course I loved seeing the numbers on the scale go down but they didn't tell the whole story. The scale lost its power to control my attitude once I realized that it wasn't all about the numbers as long as I continued to work out consistently and eat relatively healthy 90% of the time.

Unfortunately, I will be going back to work soon and I'm really nervous about being able to get my workouts in and not letting stress eat at me but I have faith I'll find a way to work it out. It's important and I know I need to do it so I don't backslide back into obesity.

I truly believe that we need to make our own rules and find a plan that works for us as individuals. Eat the foods you like, find something you enjoy doing that works up a good sweat, take care of yourself and know that if you stick with your plan consistently you will see results. It's not a race to the finish line, slow and steady will get you there too. I like to say "I'm fast like turtle now." I don't know when but I do know I'll cross that finish line no matter how long it takes.

Why did it take me so long to figure things out? Why did I waste so many years being fat and miserable? How am I going to make sure I don't ever put that fat suit on again? I'm not sure. I do know that I wouldn't be here if I gave into the despair and sense of hopelessness I felt for so long. No matter where you are on your journey, don't ever give up trying, you don't know how close you are to finding what works for you.

The most important thing I've learned is to never EVER give up!

Slimmer this Summer Challenge

I'm excited to join Debbie's Slimmer this Summer challenge to help keep me focused on my goals especially during my transition back to the working world. You can check out all the details here. The challenge doesn't start until June 6th so there's plenty of time for you to join in too.

Here's what I'm hoping to accomplish during this challenge:

1. GOAL!

I'd love to finally get to my goal of losing 101 pounds. Over the years I've changed the amount but I think a 101 pound loss is a pretty good number to shoot for. It sounds pretty impressive, huh? It will put me in the high end of the normal BMI range but I think it will be a good weight to settle in at where I won't have to kill myself to maintain. I like curves and have no intention or desire to lose all of them if that were even possible. I've got a little more or a little less than 10 pounds to lose depending on what day's weight I go by.

2. WORKOUTS

I'm going back to work next week so I won't be able to get to the gym whenever I want. My goal is to go to my kickboxing classes twice a week at lunch and hit the gym for an elliptical session and weights at least once a week. I'm also planning on walking to and from the train station when the weather cooperates so I will get at least 2 miles of walking in each day as well.

3. WATER

I think increasing my water intake will be easier once I go back to work. I get enough water while I'm working out but when I'm out and about running around I sometimes forget to stay hydrated. I have my giant water bottle ready to bring to work and will shoot to get my 100 ounces a day.

4. FOOD

I'm going to try to limit my lunches out to once or twice a week and plan on brown bagging a healthy lunch and snacks the other three days. I'm also going to do my best to avoid all the candy and crap that is always being passed around the office. I have to remember that boredom is not a reason to eat. I also want to avoid the temptation to order take out or go out for dinner because I'm too tired to cook. This is probably going to mean that I will be eating dinner later than I have been but that might prevent my nighttime snack attacks.

5. MENTAL HEALTH

I need to stay positive and remember that food doesn't make stress go away. There is no need to stuff myself just because I feel stressed out. I'm going to start each day with a positive affirmation that it will be a good day. Some days it is just mind over matter, right? If we believe it will be good, it will.

I'm looking forward to reaching these goals by the time August rolls around. Who's up for a challenge? Come on, join in, it will be fun.

I'm off to get my ass kicked at TaeBox and then I'm having lunch with a dear friend. Hope you all have a great day!

Good News/Bad News

Good News: I got a job!!
Bad News: I have to go back to work ;(

Good News: I'll be getting a paycheck
Bad News: The paycheck will be so much smaller

Good News: I'll be working at a low-stress office
Bad News: I'll be working in an office

Good News: I'll be working close enough to the gym to continue to go to kickboxing classes
Bad News: I'll be rushing to get there, work out and get back in a lunch hour

Good News: I've lost over 90 pounds since getting laid off in November 2009
Bad News: I'm still not at my goal after 18 months

Good News: I've lost a total of 90.3 pounds in the past 18 months
Bad News: I gained 1.6 pounds this week

Good News: I only have to lose 10.7 pounds to get to my goal
Bad News: The last 10 pounds are the hardest

Good News: I feel blessed to have had this time to take care of myself
Bad News: It's going to be much harder to find the time to take care of myself

Good News: It's Friday!
Bad News: I only have one more free Friday after today

Good News: It's all GOOD!

What Size?

What a mess, huh? I have a confession to make to you. I have TONS of clothes I haven't been able to fit into for years, decades even. I have clothes with tags on them and clothes I've been dreaming about fitting back into someday. I have clothes ranging in sizes from 8 to 18 so you can imagine what a mess it is. Just look at that picture. I'm embarrassed to say that this is what one wall of my closet looked like a couple of weeks ago. Since then I have dropped off over 10 bags to charity, given away 3 bags to friends and have many more bags to go but I'm plugging away at it and making some good progress getting rid of the fat clothes and sorting through what is left.

What I really wanted to tell you about though is the pair of "goal" pants I came across. The last time I lost a substantial amount of weight I did it by doing a modified Atkins/South Beach type diet. I survived a year without having any "white stuff," you know, bread, pasta, pizza, rice, potatoes, sugar, flour, etc. I'm not sure how I lasted so long without eating the foods I loved but I did it and lost over 60 pounds by diet alone. I thought I solved the mystery and had this weight thing all figured out but I was so wrong. Once I gave in and ate a crouton I blew back up in record time and ended up even fatter than before.

I knew I couldn't live the rest of my life without eating bread so I spent years trying to find something that would work for me. I don't want to sound cocky but think I've really got it figured out this time and pray that I will never again have to buy fat clothes.

Anyway, back to the story of the "goal" pants ....

I knew I was wearing these particular pants when I was at my lowest weight back then and I know I'm about 20 pounds heavier right now but thought I would try the pants on just to see how much farther I had to go to fit into them. Imagine my surprise when I not only got them past my thighs but was able to button and zip them with absolutely no struggle. They weren't even tight, I had room to spare and there was absolutely no muffin top. How is that possible? How could I fit into these pants when I still had 20 pounds to lose to get to where I was back then?

Even though the scale says I weigh more now than I did then, I think I'm significantly smaller but heavier. Does that even make sense? I have been working my ass off at the gym and know that I am firmer and stronger than I ever have been.

What's your theory? Do you think it makes sense? Do you think it's all because I've been exercising and toning or do you have another theory? I would love to hear your opinion about how I can fit into these pants and still have 20 pounds to lose.

Time to fill up another bag ...

Time Keeps Ticking ....

I thought that turning 40 (and 30 and 20) would have given me the kick in the ass I needed to get serious about getting this weight off permanently but I'm staring down the barrel of 41 and I am no closer to reaching my goal than I was almost a year ago.

I know the older I get the harder it is to lose weight (as if it is ever easy) and yet I'm still stutter stepping around and around. I'm not getting any younger and each time I lose a substantial amount of weight only to gain it back it really screws up my metabolism making it harder and harder.

I've gotten so much support from people who have been in these fat shoes and succeeded and those who are going through the process (thank you). I've read hundreds (thousands?) of blogs proving it is possible but despite my desire to join this group I am still fat. I am at a loss as to why I haven't put in the effort needed to do the things I need to do to reach this goal if it is so important to me. I'm constantly thinking about it but I'm not aggressively, faithfully and wholeheartedly focusing on getting it done.

What the hell am I waiting for? How long can I keep this goal from alluding me? What am I waiting for? When the hell will I figure this out? NOW sounds good.

NyQuil and the Status Quo

I made it through the holidays, my sMother's extended visit, requisite outings for holiday cheer (way too many cocktails of the Stoli vodka variety), numerous dinners out, birthday celebrations, and all the family dramas ... oh, the DRAMA of it all ... but that is a very long post for another day (or very expensive therapy sessions).

So it is a New Year and I'm going to focus on the New Me (ok, maybe not "New" but definitely "Improved"). I never liked making New Year resolutions; I make them at least every Monday so I don't need to make any special ones just because a New Year has started. I do like to start each year looking back at all the good things that happened, what I learned from the bad things, who the important people in my life are, who are the toxic people who I need to distance myself from and what I can do going forward to make a better life for myself in the coming year.

I still have a hard time believing I turned 40 this year and I keep hearing Peggy Lee singing "Is that all there is?" I'm not getting any younger and if there are things I'm going to accomplish in my life I better get my ass in gear, right? This year I am determined to reach some of my goals.

It wasn't easy but I didn't make myself crazy over every cookie or "bad" food I ate, I didn't get on the scale everyday and I tried to get in some form of exercise everyday and I'm exactly the same weight I was before the holidays. How f'd up is that? I could barely lose a damn pound watching every bit of food and working out like crazy but when I stopped doing that, ate pretty much what I wanted and certainly overindulged on the holiday sweetness and I maintained the same weight? That is messed up.

So this is it, this is the year, 2008 is my year of change. I'm going to eat healthy foods and not beat myself up if I eat something "bad" 'cause you know I will; I'm going to exercise with determination (no walking on the treadmill barely breaking a sweat, I need to get wet and sweat it out regularly). No more excuses.

That is my plan for 2008 but I haven't been able to get past the starting line because I'm sick as a dog. As soon as the ball dropped, sMother went back home, and I kissed hello, merry, merry, happy, happy with every germ carrier I find myself on the NyQuil diet. It is certainly not how I wanted to kick start the New Year. I've been wiped out with a sore throat, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, fever and an extremely achy body so I've been on the very popular NyQuil diet (day and night) for over a week. UGGHHH! I've been too exhausted to even get on the computer at night let alone work out. I'm focusing on getting some much needed rest, lots of fluids and bottles of NyQuil. I hope to be back in fighting form and ready to win this battle I am waging on my fat cells after a weekend of taking it easy.

Time for another dose of NyQuil. Good Night.

Holding the Line

There are tons of determined and focused woman out there working hard and reaching their goals while I continue to spin my wheels. I read way too many blogs looking for that kick in the ass, that charge of inspiration, that spark to get my weight loss engine started. I know it isn't out there in blogs, magazines or The Biggest Loser - the spark is all in my head.

I'm so disappointed that I am no more closer to my goals now than I was back in July (just spinning wheels, round and round). I need to get my priorities straight and stop f'n around. I want this, I've wanted this for decades, I NEED to do this right this time. The sugar highs cannot be more important than my happiness. What am I trying to stuff down? Where is my strength to stop that fat girl's cravings and binges? She must be stopped. I need to dig out the root of my disordered relationship with food and learn why I keep making the same mistakes and repeating history. I can't keep letting the fat girl win the food battles - she is killing me.

I'm not giving up but I'm not going to make myself miserable over the holidays. The pressure of the season and the semi-annual 3 week long visit from "Mommy Dearest" is pushing me to the edge. On top of everything I just can't handle looking at the needle on the scale anymore. It is just too frustrating and depressing. I want to celebrate the holidays without the weight loss noose around my neck.

An amazing woman gave me some very good advice today (thanks Savy) and I'd be a fool not to take it. So here's the plan:

My goal is to NOT gain ANYTHING from this point forward until January 1st. I will not worry about losing weight right now; I'm just going to hold the line. This seems easy enough since that is what I've been doing lately but the catch is I am not going to weigh myself for the rest of the year. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, write it down, and then I will not get on the scale again until January 1st. This will be tough because over the years (decades?) I have gotten into the bad habit of weighing myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day). I don't think I'll miss getting on the scale and seeing the same number day after day but I'll need to find a place for my scale to spend the holidays. I'm going to have B hide it in the basement or bury it in a closet because I don't think I can resist its daily call; like food, if I see it I'll want it. So, bye, bye scale - see you in January.

I will also do a minimum of 30 minutes of some physical activity every day, even Christmas, even if it's just a slow walk. That's it. That is the goal for the rest of the month. I'm sure some of you will think this is a cop out but I think it will be good for me to regroup and get myself together for the amazing journey I will take for the last time.

In January 2008 I will post my weight and pictures (well, ahhh ... ummm, I'll have to work on the pictures), I will set very specific short term and long term goals, and I will get rid of this fat once and for all. I'm going to recharge my batteries, find that spark and get ready to kick some fat ass in 2008. Until then I'll be here holding the line.

Fat Facts

It's official. I'm obese. I am still trying to work up the courage to post "before" pictures, measurements and weight but thought I would clue you in to just how far I need to go. I think my reluctance to post pictures and numbers is not that I don't want you to see me but I don't want to see myself. I need to suck it up and put it out there but until then - here is the fat facts:

My current BMI is 38.6 which puts me in the obese category. I'm not sure how close it is to morbidly obese and I don't want to find out. When I lose 80 pounds my BMI will be 24.9 which is normal.

So that is my goal. I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?