Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.