The Nuts

"The Nuts" is the absolute best possible hand in any given hand of poker. It's the unbeatable, unbreakable hand. Having "the Nuts" is a very good thing but eating the nuts all night long is not.

I love playing poker but I haven't figured out how to do it without stuffing my poker face full of snacks. I always have fun getting together with friends and taking their money but I hate taking away all the extra calories along with the cash. I'm happy I came in 1st place last night but I'm not happy about all the crap I ate.

I had a decent dinner before heading out so I wouldn't be tempted by the snack food but it didn't work out so well. I ate baked tortilla chips, nuts (pistachios, cashews and walnuts) and then it got really bad when some leftover fun sized Halloween candy got broken out. I had a few Butterfingers and a few Health bars before I pulled in the reins and stopped myself from a full fledged binge. I felt so gross and disgusted with myself. I didn't want to eat that crap but I did it anyway. When will I learn?

I need to be able to resist the temptation to eat just because it's there and everyone else is eating it. I need to figure out how to have a social life and stay on my healthy eating plan.

I can't even use alcohol as an excuse because I gave that up for Lent so I was only drinking water. Maybe I should have given up chocolate for 40 days instead of vodka.

It looks like I'll be spending my time at the gym this this week working the chocolate off my poker face.

Who Dat?

Every time I hear "who dat?" I think of Janet Jackson's song Nasty.

"Hey! Who's that thinkin' nasty thoughts?
Nasty boys!
Who's that in that nasty car?
Nasty boys!
Who's that eatin' that nasty fruit?
Nasty boys!
Who's jammin' to my nasty groove?
Nasty boys!
Ladies? Nasty boys don't mean a thing
Oh you nasty boys"

After this past weekend I started hearing "who dat eatin' that nasty food?" I hate to admit it but it was me.

Congrats to the Saints for winning the SuperBowl for the first time in franchise history. The Saints certainly had an amazing season and I can't think of any other city that is more deserving and in need of some extra attention and financial assistance than New Orleans.

My apologies to the Saints and the Colts but I didn't really care who won the SuperBowl this year. It was an exciting game and I'm glad the Saints won but my football season ended when the Patriots got knocked out. How did Drew Brees get all pumped up to play after having a beautiful baby boy and Tom Brady seemed anxious to end the season as early as possible? Oh
well, spring training will be starting soon enough. Go Sox!

I also have to admit I spent more time playing poker and eating all sorts of salty sugary snacks all afternoon than I did watching the game or the lame commercials. I should have been fully
satiated after eating a big bowl of beef stew with fresh hot wheat bread but I couldn't stop myself. I started snacking on chips and dip, crackers, carrot cake, garlic bread sticks and whatever else was on the table. UGGH! Does it ever get easier to resist?

I've been on a roll working out hard at the gym and eating healthy reasonably sized portions but one weekend of mindless social eating sends me right back down the slippery slope of regaining any weight I so painstakingly lost. The scale says I'm up over 5 pounds but that doesn't seem possible. Apparently my body doesn't know about the mathematical equation that says I'd have to have eaten over 16,000 extra calories to have gained 5 pounds in two days. How can it take a month to lose 5 pounds and two days to gain it right back? It really isn't fair, is it?

I'm going to need to put in some serious extra hours at the gym this week just to get back to my pre-weekend weight. It shouldn't even be possible for me to gain 5 pounds in a weekend but the scale does not lie. Let's hope some of it is from all the salty snacks I inhaled and it won't take a month for me to lose it again.

Drew Brees and the Saints get to go to Disney World and I'm going to be spending even more time at Planet Fitness.

Who Dat gettin' right back on the healthy living bandwagon? ME!

Greed and Gluttony

Ahhhh...sinners have so much more fun, don't they? We covered at least three of the 7 deadly sins today - envy, greed and gluttony.

B and I decided to stay home this weekend instead of going up north since the snowmobile trails are either closed, barely covered or iced over from the warm temperatures and tons of rain. I hope we get some good snow soon so we can salvage the riding season. Too bad all that snow slamming the south couldn't make it's way up to the mountains of Vermont.

To cheer ourselves up we decided to pay some restitution to the Native Americans and make a deposit down at Foxwoods. It must have been the full moon messing with my mind for me to think it was a good idea to throw some money away. I'm still not even getting my unemployment checks but why should that stop me from donating some money to the Indians. We went down hard and fast at the blackjack table but we had a good time and didn't lose too much.

Our friend came down and met us at the casino and after trying a few pulls on the slot machines we headed to Mystic Pizza for a big greasy lunch. I got a turkey sandwich but had some very greasy onion rings, a small sliver of pizza, and french fries. I overdid it for sure.

We hadn't seen our friend since the end of November so we got to exchange Christmas presents which is always fun no matter what the date on the calendar. My friend makes us the most delicious homemade Christmas cookies every year and she had a big batch waiting in the deep freeze for us for over a month. It didn't matter that the cookies have been frozen though because they were just as good as if they were freshly baked. I'm so stuffed but keep breaking off a little piece of cookie here and a little piece there. It really is a sickness when you can't stop eating when you are bursting.

I feel pretty gross right now and almost wish I could make myself throw up. I think lots of people who have a binge eating disorder wish they could be bulimic, at least we'd be able to get rid of that full, bloated feeling and not have so much evidence of our binges hanging off our bodies. I had way too much junk today and feel absolutely disgusting. My stomach is ready to explode and I have a slight headache from all the sugar.

It's funny how quickly our bodies get used to eating healthy foods and when we slip up and go back to eating crap we feel disgusting but we still tend to crave the junk food no matter how gross it makes us feel. Why is that?

I'm going to have to do double time at the gym this week to make up for this one day of excess but it was worth it.

Thematic Photographic 85 - I'm Hungry

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is "I'm Hungry."

I took this picture over three years ago but I'm not sure if I even felt true hunger back then because I was constantly eating. I never gave my body time to get hungry because I was constantly stuffing fattening food down my throat. I was so disgusted just looking at the evidence in the trash so I took this picture to remind myself how awful I felt after eating that crap. That day I vowed to stop the out of control eating and get healthy, lose the weight and (FINALLY) keep it off.

Over the past 20 years I've been on almost every diet out there except for the really crazy no food diets because that's just not possible for me. The biggest lesson I've learned from all those diets is that you can lose weight with any diet but if you don't learn how to eat right you will have an endless ride on the weight loss roller coaster. I know women who go to WW but instead of learning how to eat right they starve themselves all day so they can drink beer at night. How crazy is that?

I'm learning to feel hunger again and know that I will not starve to death before my next meal. I'm hungry for a healthy life. What are you hungry for?

Carmi at Written Inc. is our Thematic Photographic leader. If you want to learn how to play along, click here for the details.

One is Never Enough

I'm a prime example of that potato chip commercial that says "I bet you can't have just one." I don't have an off switch and can never stop at one of anything. Those of us that suffer with a compulsive binge eating disorder there is no such thing as "just one." No matter how much I try to convince myself I will only have one or a single serving, I just can't stop myself from going back for more and more until I'm sick to my stomach.


Don't ever wait ten minutes to ask me for a lifesaver out of a pack I just bought because they will probably be gone by then so I don't buy them anymore. I inevitably end up eating one after another. Some people use gum as a trick to keep from eating but I will chew piece after piece until the entire package is gone. I'll start out by portioning out a handful of crackers or other snack but will keep going back for handful after handful until I've emptied the box.


The only way to stop this compulsive eating is to not start in the first place. Once I start eating I don't know how to shut it off even if I feel full and my stomach hurts. It is in my head and I'm not sure how to shut it off to stop it. The times I have been successful with weight loss have been when I completely avoid those simple carbs that never seem to fill me up no matter how much I eat. I think the simple carbs are a trigger for me to just keep eating more and more and never feel like it is enough.

This mentality is the reason I can't keep snack foods in my house. I can't handle the temptation and I can never have just one. I need to learn how to control this compulsive eating because no amount of time sweating on the treadmill will make up for the out of control binges.

How bad do you want it?

I ask myself this question every single day. If losing weight is so important to me, why do I keep screwing it up?

I spend every day trying to make the right choices and doing what I have to do to get this weight off but after a long stressful day at the office my defenses are down and I end up stuffing my face with foods that are NOT on my healthy eating plan. Maybe I should start going to sleep as soon as I get home from work. Either that or have my jaw wired shut after dinner.

This has got to stop. I can't keep torturing myself like this. Any suggestions on how to stop acting like a spoiled child and start acting like I really want to lose weight? I really really want it BAD!

To Binge or Not to Binge?

It's a stupid question and the answer is obvious, right? "NOT" is the answer, right?

It's logical that I gain weight when I stuff myself full of crappy food but shouldn't the flip side of that be that I lose weight when I don't binge?

For the past couple of years my weight has basically stayed the same whether I'm eating healthy and working out or sitting on the couch stuffing my face with crap. How is that possible? This body of mine is just so f'd up from years of abuse I don't think it knows what to do anymore.

I lost 5-6 pounds last week when I was home sick on vacation but they jumped right back on this week even though I resisted the cake, ice cream, muffins and other calorie bombs launched around the office.

I think I may have figured out what is making me fat .... work! Does anyone have a cure for that?

Pipe Dreams?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really figure out my issues with food. Will I ever be able to permanently get rid of these flabby rolls that have made a home on my 5'3" frame. Will I ever get to a point where I am comfortable with my body?

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride, sick of denying myself foods I love, sick of giving in to the urges to binge and the post binge guilt, sick of losing a few pounds one week and gaining it back the next.

I've been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. When I was thin, I wasn't thin enough and would diet and lose and then gain it back plus some extra all the way up to my current all time high. I'm over 40 *gasp* and spent a lifetime screwing up my body. When will it stop?

I keep thinking the only way I can lose weight consistently is to completely get off the sugar/flour. It's so hard for me to commit to that (AGAIN) because it is so hard core and I always feel deprived but I know it works for me. My body doesn't know how to process that crap and it's obviously telling me that by holding onto all this flab.

Even when (not if) I lose the weight again I know can't stay away from that stuff forever so am I destined to repeat the lose/gain cycle for the rest of my life? Is it just a pipe dream to think I can get it right this time? I hope not. I can't give up the fight but I wonder if I will ever really win this war.

Mommy Dearest

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all you mothers out there! I hope the kids treat you right. You should take the day off from all your motherly duties unless, of course, you have little ones and in that case I don't think you can avoid the feedings and care taking unless hubby or some other kind soul is able to take it on. Just let the laundry pile up, leave the dishes in the sink, don't make the beds and enjoy yourself and do what you want. Read a book, take a long bubble bath, get a massage, or whatever makes you happy. Hopefully 'someone' will pick up the slack or, unfortunately, all the work you avoided will only be doubled come Monday. A Mother's work is never done until the kids move out and even then it doesn't always stop there.

My Mommy Dearest is flying in from sunny Florida tonight for a THREE WEEK stay. THREE WEEKS!! Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but THREE WEEKS!! I'm not even sure I'd want my best friend staying with me for three weeks.

I can already feel the tension building and she hasn't even arrived yet. I'm hoping to get through the three weeks without all the usual drama which means I'll need to stay away from the "remember when" stories. I blocked out allot of my childhood memories and the ones I do remember she tells me never happened. I love the way she has been able to revise my childhood to a wonderful happy time when it was so far from it.

I'm going to need superhuman strength to get through these next three weeks as she pushes each and every one of the buttons she installed in me. I usually take some vacation time when she comes up to visit but I didn't do it for this trip. Maybe if I work all day and only see her nights and weekends it won't feel like THREE WEEKS!

I just stocked my house with lots of healthy foods so I hopefully won't resort to binge eating to deal with the stress of having her here for so long. I think it may be a good idea to hit the gym every night after work so I will have less hours of Smothering time.

Wish me luck!

Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.

100 Calorie Packs

Brilliant marketing idea, right? Sweet, Smart, Satisfying. Can't go wrong there, can you? You can have yummy snacks, satisfy your cravings and only consume 100 calories. Well, it sounded good at the time.

I have a couple of problems with this packaging concept. First, you pay a much higher price for these products because you can't trust yourself with the economy size bag of cookies or chips, you don't have enough control to each just a few so you pay a higher price to have someone put the crap in a smaller bag. I have to admit my biggest issue with these 100 calorie packs is I should know I can never eat just one.

I was having intense cravings for one of my most desirable trigger foods (chocolate covered pretzels). I was not going to give in to these cravings. I'm determined to lose my fat, right? Chocolate covered pretzels are not on the menu. So I resisted and resisted for months until I was lured by the old 100 calorie trick. I was at the supermarket picking up fresh vegetables, fruit, chicken and other healthy stuff and I was not going to buy any junk food. I was cruising the perimeter of the market and doing my best to avoid the tempting junk in the middle isles but got distracted as I headed to the checkout. My eyes feasted upon a display of 100 calorie packs including chocolate covered pretzels. Ahhhh...sounds perfect...I can satisfy my cravings without really going off plan and eating a whole bag of Flipz. Excellent!

Surely I can handle having a snack food in the house. I planned on having one 100 calorie pack as a special treat when the urge to snack hit hard and I needed something to keep my cravings from getting out of control. I didn't open the package and stuff them down my throat in the parking lot like I have in the past. I didn't hide the evidence before getting back home. I put the box away with the other groceries and felt like I was finally making some mental progress with my food disorder. Sure, I can control my cravings, I can stop binging and making myself sick with sugar, I can have a treat without going overboard. Oh, I'm such a silly girl sometimes because I was very wrong. I can't be trusted (yet).

I woke up in the middle of the night and inhaled the whole box of 100 calorie packs. Umm...800 calories worth *gulp*. What the hell was I thinking? I'm hoping it was at least less calories than a whole bag of those Flipz.

No more 100 calorie packs for me until I can be trusted to just eat 100 calories worth.

Weighing In ... Finally!

Let's be honest - you have to admit you have a problem before you can fix it, right? I know I have a serious weight problem and as much as I want to fix it I just seem to be floundering around and yo-yoing between fat and not so fat. I've had issues with my weight since I heard the first "thunder thigh" comment when I was at a healthy weight around 25 years ago.

It is about time I come clean about my weight. Since I started blogging I've been reluctant to put the numbers out there because I'm so embarrassed I let my weight climb back up to an all time high. So many bloggers out there who are over 300 pounds or higher get down to this weight and feel amazing but when it is your highest weight it feels horrible. I don't want to be miserable every time I look in the mirror, I don't want to cry every morning because I can't fit into any of my clothes, I don't want to have clothes ranging in size from a 9 to 18, I don't want to go through the rest of my life struggling to get out of this fat suit.

I have so much respect and admiration for all of the contestants on shows like the Biggest Loser who get on a giant scale in front of the world in a sports bra and lycra shorts. I can hardly look at pictures of myself fully clothed. Pictures is the next step but for now, here's the facts:

Finally, without further delay, my current weight is . . .

226!

226 pounds is what I've been lugging around for the better part of the past year. I remember holding steady around 200 pounds after my last big loss and fighting desperately not go over that 200 pound mark. Obviously, I lost that battle. I've gotten as low as 145 in my adult life and felt pretty good there although the weight charts say I should be in the 130's for my height. I'm barely 5'4" so I don't have a lot of height to carry all the extra fat cells. I'd be happy to get under 150 and see how I feel. I've been at this high weight for too long; I'm determined to get it off permanently this time. I never want to see this number (or, gasp, higher) ever again.

I want to come here and be accountable for my food intake including any binges which I'm working very hard to control and, hopefully, eliminate from my life. I don't want this to become a blog of "this is what I ate today" but I'm going to come clean about the foods that were "off plan" and try to figure out why I'm binging. Again, it is all about figuring out why I'm fat.

I'm renewing my commitment to lose weight. I'm going to weigh in on Mondays to keep myself honest about how hard I'm working. I don't want to go back to getting on the scale multiple times of day because I learned that I don't need to stress over every 1 pound fluctuation. 2008 is the year I finally figure it out. It is time for me to get on the treadmill and start sweating off some of this fat.

Why?

Why am I still fat? The obvious answer is I eat (binge) way too much and I don't move my ass enough. It really is a simple answer, right? If you watched Jillian with Ali on the Biggest Loser last week, that is exactly the question she insists needs to be answered so the weight doesn't find its way back. If I don't know the why of it I will be forced to keep making the same mistakes over and over again (that sounds familiar).

I need to figure out what is keeping me fat. Why do I keep insulating my body with fat when I get close to hitting my goal weight? Why do I always rebound and go back to eating the foods I know my body can't handle? Why do I continue to abuse my body?

I feel like I have been searching for the answers to the same question my entire life. The answer seems so elusive and out of reach. What am I not getting? What am I going to do this time that will make it different? How am I going to reach my goal and stay there?

I started writing this blog thinking it would force me to figure out what my problem is but find myself censoring what I write because I'm embarrassed by my compulsive eating and lack of focus and dedication to this weight loss effort. I'm going to try to write more openly about my food issues and disordered eating and worry less about being embarrassed by the amount of food I am able to consume. I do a lot of talking about weight loss but there is not enough action. Now is the time for a little less conversation - a little more action.

Halloween Candy

I can't believe I got through Halloween and the DAY AFTER without eating one piece of chocolate. WhooHoo! I even brought a small bag of the bite sized fat pills home from the office for B. I told him to hide the bag and not eat them in front of me.

I've spent too many Halloweens feeling sick to my stomach because I gorged on FUN sized candy; one right after the other. Why do they call it FUN sized? It is only FUN for that 3 seconds. I didn't want to allow myself even one little piece because I know I wouldn't be able to just eat one. But come on, it's Halloween, how can I not eat any candy? It doesn't feel like Halloween without the sugar high.

Why are we so conditioned to eat certain things on holidays? They do sell turkeys all year round; candy is always available. Why do we feel pressured to eat certain things on certain holidays. I'm starting the NO CANDY Halloween tradition. I don't think it will catch on but it works for me right now.

I know I have a binge eating problem. I know I can't have just one right now. Maybe when I've made some real progress but not now. I have to stay away from those trigger foods like sugar (it is my crack). Unfortunately, those trigger foods are EVERYWHERE. I'm hoping to get through tomorrow without giving in to the enticing calls of the candy dish.

Sugar is my Crack

I'm addicted to sugar - all kinds of sugar. This shit is worse than crack cocaine. No matter how many times I tell myself it is about moderation I can find myself in the middle of an all out binge. I convince myself I can certainly have ONE piece of chocolate, cookie, cake or whatever but then I'll find myself feeling nauseous because I've eaten the whole bar, bag or pan. I sometimes feel like Homer with his mouth hanging open, drool running down his chin mumbling something about donuts until I come out of the food coma/sugar shock. That is when regret and disgust come running in the room.

I don't know what happens to my brain on sugar. Is it like that commercial with the egg in the frying pan? . . . this is your brain, this is your brain on SUGAR *SMASH* your brain is a bunch of egg yoke all over the walls.

Why do I torture myself with thoughts of weight loss while simultaneously eating an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels (and I'm not talking about the little individual serving size either)? I haven't done this in at least a month but it has happened more times than I care to remember.

Every waking day of my life is a struggle to resist overloading on sugar or carbs. Every family function, every day at the office, every BBQ and birthday party is a struggle. Just last week at the office there was a party to celebrate a new baby (Jen's) and a wedding (Dena's); there was a vanilla cake with strawberries, a chocolate mousse-type cake and a full set up of Brigham's ice cream with all the fixings (jimmies, hot fudge, whipped cream, etc.). I need to find the strength to be able to attend these things without giving into the temptation. I know it is possible to resist, I've done it, but it just sucks. How do you handle all the temptations? Do you become anti-social? do you tie your hands behind your back? wire your jaw shut? pretend you are happy to sit and celebrate with a glass of water or tea? How the f*** do you celebrate with celery?

I think it would be easier to give up crack (thankfully I don't have any first hand knowledge of this - I have enough problems). Crack isn't something you have to do multiple times a day, you can't buy it everywhere although I'm sure most high school kids could tell you where to get it, and you couldn't do it just about everywhere, every single day for your entire life or you will die. You have to eat, right? You can't just say "I'm going to get clean," "I'm going to give up food," "I'm going to stay away from the places where they have food," "I'm going to rehab." In the words of Amy Winehouse "I say NOOO, NOOO, NOOO." You can't just give up eating and after 40 years I can't seem to figure out how to do it right.

I need to find answers, I need to find the key, I need to flick that switch in my brain, I need to retrain my brain and stop my hands from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm getting desperate. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm trying to work up the courage to post some "before" pictures so you can see what I'm dealing with but I can hardly stand to look at pictures of myself let alone put them on the world wide web for all to see but I'm working on it.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Hello, my name is MB and I'm addicted to sugar.

No Binge

I guess it it progress that I didn't binge this weekend. I do need to learn how to handle social situations that revolve around food. It is hard to resist the pressure to just try a bite of this and it won't hurt to have a little bit of that. I know I'll feel disgusted with myself if I give into the temptations but it is depressing just watching everyone else enjoy themselves and not worry about how many calories or fat grams are in this or that delicious looking treat. I don't want to have to worry about every little thing but I need to eat sensibly most of the time and not "treat" myself everyday.

I am going to try to focus on getting more exercise and increasing my endurance. All my previous weight loss attempts, whether they were successful or not, revolved around the food. The more I restricted my food the more binge episodes I would have. It is a vicious cycle and I have to get out of it. I'm hoping that if I concentrate on working out regularly that the food will follow. I obviously need to pay attention to both but I can't always be obsessed with every morsel that gets past my lips. It is a slow start but hopefully slow and steady will finally win the race.

I'm not going to obsess about the numbers on the scale or whether I put too much dressing on my salad. I want to change my lifestyle and finally feel good about myself. I want to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to like what I see in the mirror.

I always wonder if I didn't start that first diet whether I would still be wearing a size 10 and looking like an average girl.