Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.

10 comments:

  1. I think I know a little bit about how you're feeling. Sure it's great to hear about other people's success stories but this is about YOU and what you're going through.

    Have you ever tried Weight Watcher's? Or do you have a person in your life that you could do this with? I know that it helped when a coworker said she was going to join WW. I don't know where it came from because I hadn't really thought about it but suddenly I heard myself saying "I'll go with you". Thus began a very successful time for me.

    I'm not sure what would work for you. I know that I had to think about the things that triggered my eating and I can admit to being an emotional eater--when I'm down usually.

    You can email me if you want to talk about something specific or if you have any questions. You must have seen my before pictures in February's blogging. If not, check them out because believe me, I know what it is like.

    Take care of yourself always!

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  2. hey this is never easy and it takes a lot of time. so dont beat yourself up about it. its not a race and while we all would like to be thin and at our goal weight overnight, unfortunately it takes a lot longer than that. I thikn you are just learning a lot along the way and you WILL get there, and know a heck of a lot about yourself and be more likely to keep it off. I completely undersatnd about the stress..I was a stress eater, and there are times when I would love to fall back into those habits when I get stressed, the reality is, it doenst do anythign for me and I recognize that. I know you do too, and I know you can deal with that and eventually not let it bother you. its hard, definitely. but I know you are better than that.

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  3. Thank you so much for this post.
    If I blogged, I would have written this.
    For almost a year, i have been juggling the same 5-7 pounds with no significant progress. I'm 5'9" & 230ish so I need to lose at least 50 pounds. I do wonderful M-F & then ruin it all Sat & Sun. I can't help but feel like a huge failure. And much like you, i've done this before.

    Years ago, that switch flipped, and if a piece of pizza came within 5 feet of me, i'd scream bloody murder! I feel like this time is different. Or maybe I just WANT to feel like this time is different. I've heard it takes 21 days to form a habit (good or bad), and i'm way over that with my bad eating habits. I'm giving myself 21 days to get back into a healthy swing. Don't get me wrong, i had a piece of coffee cake yesterday, but I worked out on the elliptical & kept under my calories.

    Maybe in the beginning of a journey like this, we shouldn't look for perfection, but progress. If you can go a week eating a restricted number or calories, go get yourself a massage or a manicure/pedicure, because that's progress. So what if every calorie wasn't perfect? So what if you had pizza for lunch but balanced it with a good breakfast & dinner? You had a goal of x number of calories & stuck with it.

    Plan on 10 minutes a day of exercise the first week. That's it. You don't have to go full force right out of the gate. I think a big way I sabotage my weight loss is starting a plan & setting so many limits, i'm bound to fail!
    Must exercise 30 minutes a day.
    Must not eat anything fried.
    Must have 5 fruits & 5 vegs.
    Must not have flour.
    No COOKIES or CHOCOLATE!!
    It's too much in the beginning.
    Start slow.

    Needless to say, you're not alone. Be strong and best of luck in your journey.

    p.s. This is my first post & i'm really hoping I didn't come off too bitchy. Just really wanted to drop a comment to say thanks for blogging but this post just struck something in me. Thanks again.

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  4. From where I sit, it seems like you are already a success story. Seven months after you've started, and you're STILL HERE. You haven't given up. That's huge! It took me over a year to stutter-start my way to the right path, but I didn't give up either. That is success that can be built upon.

    Take each day individually. Don't worry about next week, or two months from now, or two years from now. Focus on today, right now, this minute. EL Doctorow is quoted as saying, "When I'm driving my car at night, I can only see as far as the headlights illuminate, but I can make the whole trip that way." You can make this whole trip, too. :)

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  5. hey there,

    I have to tell you, I have said the SAME THING so many times in my life. I spent months...YEARS doing the same thing and wondering what was wrong with me. Heck, from January to August 07 I was dieting and lost nothing! Well, I lost, gained, lost, gained. You know the drill. You came to my blog today and if you have gone back and seen how I was in August... it was bad. And I dont know that anything is different this time than all the other times expect that I am really fighting hard. I still want pizza and chocolate and sometimes I even cry because I want it so bad, but I just say NO NO NO. NO! And I keep on going. It's slow but 45 pounds later it is so worth it. And it does get easier the longer you stick with it.

    So please keep on trying. You deserve it. You CAN do it!! Never give up. Big hugs!

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  6. I know how you feel. I've been playing with the same 10 pounds for the past 6 months. I've made NO weight progress either but you know what...we know how to maintain!!!

    So I told myself a few weeks ago, enough of the maintaining, time to lose!! So come on and join me!! Lets Lose!!!

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  7. Hey chickie,

    You should TOTALLY do a blog on books, etc. I hope that as with the weight loss, mine will get me to start reading on a regular basis again.

    BTW-I've got The Book Thief on order from my library. Check out some of the other books I took out.

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  8. OMG... I can SO relate to this! I feel like I have been treading water for months now... and not really getting anywhere on my weight loss journey. I just can't seem to find my mojo for some reason... but I know that we will! We are going to be success stories! Hang in there. You are not alone. :)

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  9. Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Computador, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://computador-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

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  10. Alright now, enough hiding. How do you feel now?

    If you'd like, I'm hosting another challenge on www.pinkdumbbells.com (free)

    Everyone feels stuck, and I think we get lost in the mentality that this is somehow more important. We forget that the weight stuff is a side order to our main course of life. Just take it slow, find your priorities, and whether or not you are ready to do this. If you are, then do it. If you aren't give yourself permission to deal with your life the best way you can. If things are that stressful, the last thing you need is you beating yourself up on top of it all.

    I hope things are better than they were this day.

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