Merry Christmas!

Shoppers are pushing and shoving each other trying to get the early bird sales and receive the maximum discounts on overpriced goods, parents are waiting in ridiculously long cold lines to get there hands on the last Wii or other must-have game, battles are being waged in the parking lots of malls, hoards of travelers are getting stuck in airports unable to get up in the friendly skies, difficult family members are in town for the duration, people are mainlining sugar and alcohol, gifts need to be bought and wrapped and serious house cleaning needs to get done before guests arrive. The clock is ticking and yet I still feel a bit detached from it all.

I wish I could get back the spirit of Christmas I had as a kid, being awed by the wonder of all the lights and decorated store windows, playing in the snow piled on the streets, shaking wrapped boxes and wondering if you were good enough to get on Santa's nice list as opposed to the dreaded naughty one. The only thing I worried about then was whether Santa would bring me those Rock em Sock em Robots, a new bike with the cool tassels, or whatever gift my little heart desired and wanted more than anything else in the world.

The real meaning of Christmas has been twisted and distorted by the pressure we put on ourselves trying to make things perfect and instead of enjoying our family and friends we just make ourselves crazy.

Apparently it is not politically correct to wish someone a Merry Christmas anymore; you are now encouraged and pressured to say Happy Holidays or Happy Christmakwanzaka or some such combination of all the holidays of every religion that celebrates something during the month of December. I'm surprised they haven't added Boxing Day to the hybrid of names. I understand not everyone celebrates this holiday but what harm are people inflicting on someone by uttering the words "Merry Christmas." I'm sorry but I don't understand what the big deal is. I wish people would just lighten up and stop be offended when someone wishes them a Merry Christmas. You don't have to believe in J.C., religion or commercialism to say "thank you" for the well wishes given to you by another human being in this crazy world.

A recent post on Blogography talks about people being encouraged to Take Back Christmas. I couldn't agree more with these eloquent words of David Simmer II, a brilliant commentator on world events and popular culture (or so he claims). Check it out, it is well worth the read.

With Christmas lights twinkling in my eyes and fresh fallen snow on my tongue, I sincerely wish you and yours a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! *thank you*

That's the Spirit

I really don't know how I'm getting through each day without knowing whether my weight is up or down. How am is supposed to know if I should feel good for being down a pound or depressed 'cause I gained one? My daily mood has almost always been dictated by what the scale, in its cold metal menacing way, told me. It is a bit scary not knowing whether those few cookies or catered lunch did any damage. I'm going to continue my scale avoidance test until the 1st of the year and I hope it will be kind to me when I get back on.

I haven't been able to do any serious workouts this past week but I'm continuing to follow Savy's advice by doing at least 30 minutes each day of some sort of exercise. Unfortunately, I think all the dancing I did at my office *Holiday* party didn't make up for the open bar (we had an amazing bartender with a very heavy hand). I ate very little of the incredible, mouth watering gourmet food by taking pictures and having a blast on the dance floor.

Every year I dread going to the *Holiday* party but who I can't pass up the opportunity for free food, booze, gifts and the chance to get some incriminating photos of my co-workers and bosses. It it always fun to watch the *ssholes try to act human and be nice and there is always the few who appear to have never seen an open bar before. Why do people insist on getting sloppy drunk wasted at office parties when they know they will be totally embarrassed by their drunkin' behavior? I'm not saying people shouldn't have a good time but we're not with our friends or at a frat party. I guess I'm lucky that I know when I've reached my limit and I put down the vodka and start drinking water. There is a lot of pressure to continue drinking but I know if I have one more drink I'll be spinnin' in my bed later that night and I hate that. I wonder why I know when I've reached my alcohol limit but have no shut off limit when I'm binging on sugar.

I had the distinct pleasure of having to drunksit my office mate as she got sick all over the $800/night hotel room. I stayed with her (holding her hair, rubbing her back, getting her changed and reassuring her she was not going to die) until her husband got there to take over (he was not very happy). I didn't want to be there but couldn't leave her in that condition. It was very messy and smelled nasty ... ewww. After I turned over my drunksitting duties I went down to the lobby to find a dozen or so of my colleagues causing a scene. Everyone was swaying, knocking over glasses, and yelling like foul-mouthed drunkin sailors. It was entertaining to watch but I'm glad I won't be ashamed of myself when I go into the office on Tuesday.

Hope you all enjoy your holiday parties but try not to do anything you will regret in the morning. Save your best drunkin moments for your good friends. I did have a bit of a hangover but B and I got up very early to go to VT. We had to meet the insurance guy early Saturday morning so we could ride our snowmobiles on Sunday. I'm so excited we finally have snow on opening day and I've been getting a great workout shoveling too. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Cheers!

Holding the Line

There are tons of determined and focused woman out there working hard and reaching their goals while I continue to spin my wheels. I read way too many blogs looking for that kick in the ass, that charge of inspiration, that spark to get my weight loss engine started. I know it isn't out there in blogs, magazines or The Biggest Loser - the spark is all in my head.

I'm so disappointed that I am no more closer to my goals now than I was back in July (just spinning wheels, round and round). I need to get my priorities straight and stop f'n around. I want this, I've wanted this for decades, I NEED to do this right this time. The sugar highs cannot be more important than my happiness. What am I trying to stuff down? Where is my strength to stop that fat girl's cravings and binges? She must be stopped. I need to dig out the root of my disordered relationship with food and learn why I keep making the same mistakes and repeating history. I can't keep letting the fat girl win the food battles - she is killing me.

I'm not giving up but I'm not going to make myself miserable over the holidays. The pressure of the season and the semi-annual 3 week long visit from "Mommy Dearest" is pushing me to the edge. On top of everything I just can't handle looking at the needle on the scale anymore. It is just too frustrating and depressing. I want to celebrate the holidays without the weight loss noose around my neck.

An amazing woman gave me some very good advice today (thanks Savy) and I'd be a fool not to take it. So here's the plan:

My goal is to NOT gain ANYTHING from this point forward until January 1st. I will not worry about losing weight right now; I'm just going to hold the line. This seems easy enough since that is what I've been doing lately but the catch is I am not going to weigh myself for the rest of the year. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, write it down, and then I will not get on the scale again until January 1st. This will be tough because over the years (decades?) I have gotten into the bad habit of weighing myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day). I don't think I'll miss getting on the scale and seeing the same number day after day but I'll need to find a place for my scale to spend the holidays. I'm going to have B hide it in the basement or bury it in a closet because I don't think I can resist its daily call; like food, if I see it I'll want it. So, bye, bye scale - see you in January.

I will also do a minimum of 30 minutes of some physical activity every day, even Christmas, even if it's just a slow walk. That's it. That is the goal for the rest of the month. I'm sure some of you will think this is a cop out but I think it will be good for me to regroup and get myself together for the amazing journey I will take for the last time.

In January 2008 I will post my weight and pictures (well, ahhh ... ummm, I'll have to work on the pictures), I will set very specific short term and long term goals, and I will get rid of this fat once and for all. I'm going to recharge my batteries, find that spark and get ready to kick some fat ass in 2008. Until then I'll be here holding the line.

Help!

I need help. I don't know what is wrong with me ... I'm not figuring anything out. I haven't lost any weight, I haven't been getting up early and working out, I haven't been bringing my lunch to work, I haven't stopped stuffing my face with sugar, I haven't done a damn thing towards reaching my goal.

I don't know why I can't get in that weight loss mode again. I've been thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, obsessing about it but, honestly, I haven't put in the effort to exercise more consistently and stop the binging. In the past week I've had cake, ice cream, candy, bread, cookies, pasta and every other carb loaded food out there in massive quantities.

Oh sure, I have moments of towing the line. I've been walking to the train station more often, I've been getting a work out in here and there but I have not been consistent with any of it. I've had some good days followed by days eating candy, pizza, chips, cookies, cake, ice cream and today I ate chocolate jimmies right out of the container (ugghh). What am I doing to myself?

What the hell am I waiting for? Why is my body fighting me? Doesn't it remember how good it feels to not carry all this extra weight? Where is my weight loss mojo?

At this point I'm hoping to just get through the holidays without any further expansion of my ass.

Who's Fat Now?

I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a huge Party of Five fan back in the day (ok, maybe a little) but that is not the reason why I LOVE Jennifer Love Hewitt ("Love"). Love is just the most recent celebrity to be zoomed in on and called fat because she has a real woman's figure, not the lollipop head on a stick like most of the Hollywood girls. She has boobs, she has hips and maybe not the smoothest thighs but for crying out loud she is NOT fat.

I don't know about you but I'd be ecstatic if my *ss looked like that in a bikini. She is so far from being fat. Love responded to the fat phobic tabloids stating "Like all women out there should, I love my body, I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong." Amen.

Taking pictures of minuscule amounts of cellulite on celebrities is not entertainment. I am so sick of reading how HUGE some celebrity has gotten when she is barely out of single digit sizes. It makes me sick. Women are supposed to have curves, right? How do we bring the Marilyn Monroe, Rubenesque, voluptuous body back in style? These magazines and shows pretend to worry about eating disorders and the epidemic it has become while models are collapsing on runways and woman are dying from starvation but that doesn't stop them from running full page ads of a bit of dimpled thigh with big headlines announcing who has let themselves go and has gotten SO FAT.

How can the average woman compare and live up to these unrealistic standards? It is not surprising that even the most healthy woman have issues with their bodies and don't believe they can ever be thin enough until they are in the hospital being fed through a tube too weak to stand and will still look in a mirror and think they are FAT. What are we doing to the woman of the world? Who decided that you can never be too thin? I'd love to see them in a bikini.

Love should LOVE her curves. Even Weetabix agrees, we LOVE Love. Love ROCKS!