It's a Pity Party ...

Did you get the invitation? I'm having a little pity party for myself. There won't be any cake but there will be lots of alcohol, preferably Stoli, Kettle One or Grey Goose, and I'm going to get those freaky fun house mirrors that make everyone look svelte.

I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so frustrated and disgusted with myself. I'm still wearing the same fat clothes, still binging, still "phoning in" the workouts, still looking longingly at all the cute outfits I can't wear spilling out of my closets. I'm still thinking about losing weight but not actually making any significant progress. I want desperately to lose weight but I'm still making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I know I tend to get a little depressed this time of the year when the snow melts. Everything turns drab and brown until things start turning green. I know it's my own version of Spring Fever. I love the winter and the snow and hate to see it go. Mud season is so ugly and I'm certainly not looking forward to another hot summer trying to keep all my fat covered. Unless I get into the fast track to weight loss mode, I will be just as fat this summer as I was last summer. Shouldn't I have been at my goal already? Shouldn't I have at least made some progress? What the h*ll am I waiting for?

I've been reading tons of blogs trying to get inspired to get off my *ss and get serious again. There's lots of inspiration out there (thank you for doing your part). I feel like I'm just wasting years of my life in a body I don't particularly like. I don't even like to look at what I've done to my body. Does every fat girl avoid full length mirrors? or is it just me? The fatter I am the less I want to see. I know what my body can and should look like if I would just get off my *ss and work hard enough to lose the lard.

I know what I have to do. I know I need to make the commitment to myself and stick with the program. I'm not getting any younger and every day I poison my body with crap food is another day I get further from my goal. My healthy lifestyle is waiting for me and I want it NOW. This fat girl is not the real me.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. If you brought a gift, thank you, I hope it isn't food but a good hard kick the *ss (or at least top shelf vodka). Ok, everyone go home, the pity party is over. This is going to be the summer I get healthy, right?

That's the Spirit

I really don't know how I'm getting through each day without knowing whether my weight is up or down. How am is supposed to know if I should feel good for being down a pound or depressed 'cause I gained one? My daily mood has almost always been dictated by what the scale, in its cold metal menacing way, told me. It is a bit scary not knowing whether those few cookies or catered lunch did any damage. I'm going to continue my scale avoidance test until the 1st of the year and I hope it will be kind to me when I get back on.

I haven't been able to do any serious workouts this past week but I'm continuing to follow Savy's advice by doing at least 30 minutes each day of some sort of exercise. Unfortunately, I think all the dancing I did at my office *Holiday* party didn't make up for the open bar (we had an amazing bartender with a very heavy hand). I ate very little of the incredible, mouth watering gourmet food by taking pictures and having a blast on the dance floor.

Every year I dread going to the *Holiday* party but who I can't pass up the opportunity for free food, booze, gifts and the chance to get some incriminating photos of my co-workers and bosses. It it always fun to watch the *ssholes try to act human and be nice and there is always the few who appear to have never seen an open bar before. Why do people insist on getting sloppy drunk wasted at office parties when they know they will be totally embarrassed by their drunkin' behavior? I'm not saying people shouldn't have a good time but we're not with our friends or at a frat party. I guess I'm lucky that I know when I've reached my limit and I put down the vodka and start drinking water. There is a lot of pressure to continue drinking but I know if I have one more drink I'll be spinnin' in my bed later that night and I hate that. I wonder why I know when I've reached my alcohol limit but have no shut off limit when I'm binging on sugar.

I had the distinct pleasure of having to drunksit my office mate as she got sick all over the $800/night hotel room. I stayed with her (holding her hair, rubbing her back, getting her changed and reassuring her she was not going to die) until her husband got there to take over (he was not very happy). I didn't want to be there but couldn't leave her in that condition. It was very messy and smelled nasty ... ewww. After I turned over my drunksitting duties I went down to the lobby to find a dozen or so of my colleagues causing a scene. Everyone was swaying, knocking over glasses, and yelling like foul-mouthed drunkin sailors. It was entertaining to watch but I'm glad I won't be ashamed of myself when I go into the office on Tuesday.

Hope you all enjoy your holiday parties but try not to do anything you will regret in the morning. Save your best drunkin moments for your good friends. I did have a bit of a hangover but B and I got up very early to go to VT. We had to meet the insurance guy early Saturday morning so we could ride our snowmobiles on Sunday. I'm so excited we finally have snow on opening day and I've been getting a great workout shoveling too. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Cheers!