Fighting for It

I spent so many years fighting with myself. I couldn't understand how I kept getting fatter and fatter when I THOUGHT about losing weight ALL THE TIME. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just do it. I knew how to do it, I did it a number of times but always regained before I even reached my goal.

If losing weight was so damn important to me, if it consumed my thoughts every single day, why wasn't I getting it done? I used to ask myself "how bad do you really want it?" I wanted to lose weight, I needed to lose weight, I couldn't stand being fat for another minute but then I would dive into a bag of chocolate covered pretzels after eating lunch just to get through the afternoon at work. I'd stuff my emotions down with food, I'd eat long after the point of being full, I'd stuff myself 'til I was sick and couldn't eat another bite and then go back for more an hour later. Why do we do that?

When I would get home from work, stressed out and miserable, I would eat dinner and veg out in front of the tv. As much as I told myself I needed to workout, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. I would promise myself that I would get up early to workout the next day. Tomorrow would be the day I would get serious. I would set my alarm to get up but when it went off at an ungodly hour I would hit the snooze button over and over again until I stumbled out of bed feeling miserable and dreading the day ahead. Rinse, lather, repeat. It's true, the rich get richer and the fat get fatter.

I often wonder what came first, the depression or the fat. Was I fat because I was depressed or was I depressed because I was fat? I'm still not sure. I know I am much happier now that I've taken control of my health. I actually look forward to going to the gym and I absolutely love my cardio kickboxing classes. I feel strong and powerful even though I'm just punching and kicking air. I think it's important to find something you like to do. Go for a walk, take a bike ride, grab a hula hoop, dance around the living room, chase the kids around the house, whatever, just move more.

I know how hard it is to get out of the rut, to stop thinking about losing weight and actually do something to make it happen but I promise you it will be worth it. There is a magic bullet to weight loss but it's not an easy pill to swallow. You have to sweat regularly and you have to stop eating excessive amounts of processed crappy food. It really is that easy (easy to understand but so HARD to put into practice).

How bad do you really want it? Are you ready to fight for it? You can do it. All you have to do is, you know, DO IT!

I want to THANK YOU all for encouraging me through my years of struggles and joining me on this journey. It's nice to know no matter where we are on this journey there are others out there just like us. Keep fighting for it.

As Christina says ....

'Cause if it wasn't for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
....
I am a fighter
(I'm a fighter)
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough
....

Have you had enough yet? Are you ready to fight for yourself, for your health, for your quality of life? Time to put up your dukes and fight for it. You are worth it! Ding, Ding! Get in the ring!

It's a Pity Party ...

Did you get the invitation? I'm having a little pity party for myself. There won't be any cake but there will be lots of alcohol, preferably Stoli, Kettle One or Grey Goose, and I'm going to get those freaky fun house mirrors that make everyone look svelte.

I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so frustrated and disgusted with myself. I'm still wearing the same fat clothes, still binging, still "phoning in" the workouts, still looking longingly at all the cute outfits I can't wear spilling out of my closets. I'm still thinking about losing weight but not actually making any significant progress. I want desperately to lose weight but I'm still making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I know I tend to get a little depressed this time of the year when the snow melts. Everything turns drab and brown until things start turning green. I know it's my own version of Spring Fever. I love the winter and the snow and hate to see it go. Mud season is so ugly and I'm certainly not looking forward to another hot summer trying to keep all my fat covered. Unless I get into the fast track to weight loss mode, I will be just as fat this summer as I was last summer. Shouldn't I have been at my goal already? Shouldn't I have at least made some progress? What the h*ll am I waiting for?

I've been reading tons of blogs trying to get inspired to get off my *ss and get serious again. There's lots of inspiration out there (thank you for doing your part). I feel like I'm just wasting years of my life in a body I don't particularly like. I don't even like to look at what I've done to my body. Does every fat girl avoid full length mirrors? or is it just me? The fatter I am the less I want to see. I know what my body can and should look like if I would just get off my *ss and work hard enough to lose the lard.

I know what I have to do. I know I need to make the commitment to myself and stick with the program. I'm not getting any younger and every day I poison my body with crap food is another day I get further from my goal. My healthy lifestyle is waiting for me and I want it NOW. This fat girl is not the real me.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. If you brought a gift, thank you, I hope it isn't food but a good hard kick the *ss (or at least top shelf vodka). Ok, everyone go home, the pity party is over. This is going to be the summer I get healthy, right?

Depression and Fat

Which came first the depression or the fat? Are people depressed because they are fat or get fat because they are depressed? I always considered myself a happy glass-is-half-full kind of girl but have had bouts of depression the more weight I put on. I don't know if it is a cause and effect thing. I'm happy when I'm eating heathly and working out and I'm depressed when I binge and slack on the exercise. So why do I keep myself from being happy? There are studies on these issues but I'm too lazy to link to any of them.

I feel so disgusted and betrayed by my body. I have traveled down this road so many times and have gotten so lost. I need to think positive and believe that I can succeed even if I have failed so many times before. What will I do different this time? How will I make this happen? I still haven't worked that out yet.

There are so many woman out there who have so much more weight to lose but have such a positive attitude you just know they are going to make it to their goal. I've read blogs of woman who have lost more than 100 pounds while I've been messing around with the same 5-10 pounds. I have to get out of this funk and find that positive I-can-do-anything-I-set-my-mind-to mentality. Maybe it is all about the attitude.