I Want It NOW!

I'm so sick and tired of it all. I want to throw my scale out the window and watch it smash into a a thousand little pieces. I'm frustrated that one slip up in my diet negates a week's worth of hard work. If being fat is so unhealthy, why do our bodies fight so hard to keep it?

I want to eat what I want in reasonable portions. I want to stop the binge monster that forces food down my throat until I feel sick. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be able to wear all the clothes that are bursting out of my closet. I want to stop the crazy thoughts in my head. I don't want to fight this fight every waking moment of every single day. I want to stop whining about my weight and get it under control already.

WHAAAAAA! I sound like the spoiled brat, Veruca. I want it and I want it NOW!

Thanks for coming to my pity party. Hopefully I'll have something positive to post soon.

It's a Pity Party ...

Did you get the invitation? I'm having a little pity party for myself. There won't be any cake but there will be lots of alcohol, preferably Stoli, Kettle One or Grey Goose, and I'm going to get those freaky fun house mirrors that make everyone look svelte.

I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so frustrated and disgusted with myself. I'm still wearing the same fat clothes, still binging, still "phoning in" the workouts, still looking longingly at all the cute outfits I can't wear spilling out of my closets. I'm still thinking about losing weight but not actually making any significant progress. I want desperately to lose weight but I'm still making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I know I tend to get a little depressed this time of the year when the snow melts. Everything turns drab and brown until things start turning green. I know it's my own version of Spring Fever. I love the winter and the snow and hate to see it go. Mud season is so ugly and I'm certainly not looking forward to another hot summer trying to keep all my fat covered. Unless I get into the fast track to weight loss mode, I will be just as fat this summer as I was last summer. Shouldn't I have been at my goal already? Shouldn't I have at least made some progress? What the h*ll am I waiting for?

I've been reading tons of blogs trying to get inspired to get off my *ss and get serious again. There's lots of inspiration out there (thank you for doing your part). I feel like I'm just wasting years of my life in a body I don't particularly like. I don't even like to look at what I've done to my body. Does every fat girl avoid full length mirrors? or is it just me? The fatter I am the less I want to see. I know what my body can and should look like if I would just get off my *ss and work hard enough to lose the lard.

I know what I have to do. I know I need to make the commitment to myself and stick with the program. I'm not getting any younger and every day I poison my body with crap food is another day I get further from my goal. My healthy lifestyle is waiting for me and I want it NOW. This fat girl is not the real me.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. If you brought a gift, thank you, I hope it isn't food but a good hard kick the *ss (or at least top shelf vodka). Ok, everyone go home, the pity party is over. This is going to be the summer I get healthy, right?

Pipe Dreams?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really figure out my issues with food. Will I ever be able to permanently get rid of these flabby rolls that have made a home on my 5'3" frame. Will I ever get to a point where I am comfortable with my body?

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride, sick of denying myself foods I love, sick of giving in to the urges to binge and the post binge guilt, sick of losing a few pounds one week and gaining it back the next.

I've been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. When I was thin, I wasn't thin enough and would diet and lose and then gain it back plus some extra all the way up to my current all time high. I'm over 40 *gasp* and spent a lifetime screwing up my body. When will it stop?

I keep thinking the only way I can lose weight consistently is to completely get off the sugar/flour. It's so hard for me to commit to that (AGAIN) because it is so hard core and I always feel deprived but I know it works for me. My body doesn't know how to process that crap and it's obviously telling me that by holding onto all this flab.

Even when (not if) I lose the weight again I know can't stay away from that stuff forever so am I destined to repeat the lose/gain cycle for the rest of my life? Is it just a pipe dream to think I can get it right this time? I hope not. I can't give up the fight but I wonder if I will ever really win this war.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back ...

I'm still here, I'm still working on getting rid of the fat, I'm still struggling to make it stick. I'm still frustrated because I can't seem to string enough good days together to make the losses permanent and avoid the gains. I continue to lose at least 2 pounds a week but also continue to gain them right back by slipping up and eating things I shouldn't be eating. It's so hard for me to lose those 2 pounds and so easy for them to find their way back to my *ss.

I refuse to give up because that is just not an option. I'm determined to get rid of my fat for good no matter how long it takes me to get there.

The Maze

I never understood why people would pay money to walk around in a corn field. I'm sure the farmer down the road from our camp would let us walk through his for free but I was surprised that I had so much fun. On our way in we overheard a woman saying she made good time - it took her 2hrs., 15min. One of the "helpers" on one of the many bridges told us he had a family that was in the maze for over 5 hours! I told my friends that if we were in the maze for more than 3 hours I was taking the emergency exit and getting the hell out. Five hours is way too long to be inside a field of corn unless you are a farmer and it is harvest time.

So we start by getting a card to track our progress by stopping at pole punchers. We had to stamp our cards at randomly placed hole puncher poles with different shaped punchers at each one. You have to punch your card and find out whether you just went in a big circle or whether you were in a different part of the maze. When we finally made it through (1hr., 15 mins.; very good time) there was an aerial photo of the maze with all the symbols of the pole punchers marked so you can see what route you took. We were laughing going in circles and trying to mark the trails with rocks and arrows - it was hysterical.

It dawned on me later that the corn maze is like a weight loss journey. First you have to decide to go to the maze, drive down some winding back roads, through small villages, stop and ask for directions and finally make your way to the start of the maze. Going into the maze you have to pick one of the four different paths - Eeny, Meeny, Miney or Moe. Just like the number of diets out there. Each path will eventually lead you to your goal but you have to chose one and stick with it or go back and start all over again on a new path.

The object of the maze was to find our way to the Bell of Success. We were so excited as we rounded a corner and found what we thought was the Bell of Success but sadly realized it was the Bell of Frustration. We found all the clues, walked up and down hills of corn and still ended up stuck in the maze. You can eat right, exercise and do all the right things and still not see progress on the scale. You get frustrated and sometimes give up.

My weight loss battle has taken me down the same paths over and over again. I have rung the Bell of Frustration way too many times. Nobody can assure me that this time I will get on the right path. The guides on the bridge try to confuse you just like your friends or family may sabotage your weight loss efforts or how each new miracle weight loss scheme out there promises that if you follow their advice you will achieve your goals. Nobody can tell you which way is the right way for you. You need to find your own path, go at your own pace, take a few wrong turns here and there and, hopefully, not have to be rescued or take the emergency exit.

I'm working my way through the maze but I don't even know if I'm going in circles and won't know until I get to the end and I'm able to see the map and check the route I took. When you're inside the maze you have no idea where you are, you can go up and down the same path numerous times, keep coming up to the same pole punchers and think you've found success only to reach the Bell of Frustration.

I have been lost in the weight loss maze for years. I have worked hard only to end up ringing the Bell of Frustration. I have to keep moving forward and marking my way so I can finally reach the Bell of Success and get the hell out of the maze. When I finally finish and get out of the maze I'll finally be able to look back and see how I got there, where I went in circles, which wrong path I took and I'll know how to get through it. It will seem so easy after I find the right path and get to ring the Bell of Success. DING!! DING!! DING!!