No Longer Incognito

So many bloggers out there are an open book for all the world to see, they don't hold anything back. We make blog friends and feel we know them intimately but I wonder if we would be friends in real life just because we enjoy reading their life story. I feel like I know some of my blog friends even better than my real world friends because they share all these details that you don't normally talk about face to face even with your closest friends and family.

We know where they live, what they eat, how often they work out, what their cycle is, how often they get it or don't get it, who their friends are, who they're mad at, and all the little details of their lives. We get to see photos of them and all the people in their lives because they choose to share that information with all of us out in the world wide web. They spill their guts, talk openly about their relationships, kids, work, up and downs and everything in between and I admire them for it and love reading the story of their lives. They strip down for us and show their true selves or the selves they want us to see. Maybe it is a form of voyeurism in some way and we get a thrill looking into their world.

I started this blog with the intention of keeping it anonymous. I mistakenly thought with all the blogs out there it would be nearly impossible for someone I know in real life to find it but I've been outed and forced out of the blog closet. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I liked the idea of being able to talk about my feelings and work through my issues with my weight without being embarrassed or censored because of who might be reading.

If you blog anonymously, would you change what you write because you know certain people are reading? If you are an open book, do you censer what you say in any way because you don't want to offend anyone or be embarrassed about your thoughts?

It is very bright out here in the open but I don't think it is possible to get back in that closet and lock the door.

Why?

Why am I still fat? The obvious answer is I eat (binge) way too much and I don't move my ass enough. It really is a simple answer, right? If you watched Jillian with Ali on the Biggest Loser last week, that is exactly the question she insists needs to be answered so the weight doesn't find its way back. If I don't know the why of it I will be forced to keep making the same mistakes over and over again (that sounds familiar).

I need to figure out what is keeping me fat. Why do I keep insulating my body with fat when I get close to hitting my goal weight? Why do I always rebound and go back to eating the foods I know my body can't handle? Why do I continue to abuse my body?

I feel like I have been searching for the answers to the same question my entire life. The answer seems so elusive and out of reach. What am I not getting? What am I going to do this time that will make it different? How am I going to reach my goal and stay there?

I started writing this blog thinking it would force me to figure out what my problem is but find myself censoring what I write because I'm embarrassed by my compulsive eating and lack of focus and dedication to this weight loss effort. I'm going to try to write more openly about my food issues and disordered eating and worry less about being embarrassed by the amount of food I am able to consume. I do a lot of talking about weight loss but there is not enough action. Now is the time for a little less conversation - a little more action.

Here's Looking at You

Have you ever avoided going to a function or reunion because you didn't want people to see how much weight you put on since the last time you saw them? I ran into an old boyfriend last night who I haven't seen in many years. It was good to see him and we had a great time catching up but afterwards I felt extremely embarrassed because I am so much heavier now than the last time I saw him.

I wonder if I would have gone to the function if I had known he was going to be there. He was really sweet, told me I looked beautiful and said he still regrets that he broke up with me (over 20 years ago). He did break my heart at the time but I got over the loss a long time ago. Logically, I know he really didn't care how much I weigh now but it was all I could think about.

The whole situation got me thinking about why I even care what he thinks? I know I don't need to impress him but I did walk away wishing I looked better. Why would I care more about what he thinks than the people I love and see everyday? Shouldn't I want to impress the guy I love and adore and see everyday more than some old boyfriend who broke up with me. Why should I worry about school reunions when I didn't even like those people when I was in school? Do I want them to just remember me when I was thin? or is it just vanity?

I don't want to miss out or regret seeing old friends because I'm afraid of what they'll think about how I look. I'm sure it would be different if I were always heavy but there is so much shame in feeling I have let myself go. I want to look forward to seeing old friends and not worry that they are thinking "I can't believe how fat she is now," "can you believe how much weight she's gained," etc. etc.

Don't get the wrong idea, my old flame is happily married with 5 kids and I'm happy in my very long-term relationship so it isn't about rekindling an old romance. I know it is silly but I really hope I look smokin' hot the next time I run into him.