100 Calorie Packs

Brilliant marketing idea, right? Sweet, Smart, Satisfying. Can't go wrong there, can you? You can have yummy snacks, satisfy your cravings and only consume 100 calories. Well, it sounded good at the time.

I have a couple of problems with this packaging concept. First, you pay a much higher price for these products because you can't trust yourself with the economy size bag of cookies or chips, you don't have enough control to each just a few so you pay a higher price to have someone put the crap in a smaller bag. I have to admit my biggest issue with these 100 calorie packs is I should know I can never eat just one.

I was having intense cravings for one of my most desirable trigger foods (chocolate covered pretzels). I was not going to give in to these cravings. I'm determined to lose my fat, right? Chocolate covered pretzels are not on the menu. So I resisted and resisted for months until I was lured by the old 100 calorie trick. I was at the supermarket picking up fresh vegetables, fruit, chicken and other healthy stuff and I was not going to buy any junk food. I was cruising the perimeter of the market and doing my best to avoid the tempting junk in the middle isles but got distracted as I headed to the checkout. My eyes feasted upon a display of 100 calorie packs including chocolate covered pretzels. Ahhhh...sounds perfect...I can satisfy my cravings without really going off plan and eating a whole bag of Flipz. Excellent!

Surely I can handle having a snack food in the house. I planned on having one 100 calorie pack as a special treat when the urge to snack hit hard and I needed something to keep my cravings from getting out of control. I didn't open the package and stuff them down my throat in the parking lot like I have in the past. I didn't hide the evidence before getting back home. I put the box away with the other groceries and felt like I was finally making some mental progress with my food disorder. Sure, I can control my cravings, I can stop binging and making myself sick with sugar, I can have a treat without going overboard. Oh, I'm such a silly girl sometimes because I was very wrong. I can't be trusted (yet).

I woke up in the middle of the night and inhaled the whole box of 100 calorie packs. Umm...800 calories worth *gulp*. What the hell was I thinking? I'm hoping it was at least less calories than a whole bag of those Flipz.

No more 100 calorie packs for me until I can be trusted to just eat 100 calories worth.

Weighing In ... Finally!

Let's be honest - you have to admit you have a problem before you can fix it, right? I know I have a serious weight problem and as much as I want to fix it I just seem to be floundering around and yo-yoing between fat and not so fat. I've had issues with my weight since I heard the first "thunder thigh" comment when I was at a healthy weight around 25 years ago.

It is about time I come clean about my weight. Since I started blogging I've been reluctant to put the numbers out there because I'm so embarrassed I let my weight climb back up to an all time high. So many bloggers out there who are over 300 pounds or higher get down to this weight and feel amazing but when it is your highest weight it feels horrible. I don't want to be miserable every time I look in the mirror, I don't want to cry every morning because I can't fit into any of my clothes, I don't want to have clothes ranging in size from a 9 to 18, I don't want to go through the rest of my life struggling to get out of this fat suit.

I have so much respect and admiration for all of the contestants on shows like the Biggest Loser who get on a giant scale in front of the world in a sports bra and lycra shorts. I can hardly look at pictures of myself fully clothed. Pictures is the next step but for now, here's the facts:

Finally, without further delay, my current weight is . . .

226!

226 pounds is what I've been lugging around for the better part of the past year. I remember holding steady around 200 pounds after my last big loss and fighting desperately not go over that 200 pound mark. Obviously, I lost that battle. I've gotten as low as 145 in my adult life and felt pretty good there although the weight charts say I should be in the 130's for my height. I'm barely 5'4" so I don't have a lot of height to carry all the extra fat cells. I'd be happy to get under 150 and see how I feel. I've been at this high weight for too long; I'm determined to get it off permanently this time. I never want to see this number (or, gasp, higher) ever again.

I want to come here and be accountable for my food intake including any binges which I'm working very hard to control and, hopefully, eliminate from my life. I don't want this to become a blog of "this is what I ate today" but I'm going to come clean about the foods that were "off plan" and try to figure out why I'm binging. Again, it is all about figuring out why I'm fat.

I'm renewing my commitment to lose weight. I'm going to weigh in on Mondays to keep myself honest about how hard I'm working. I don't want to go back to getting on the scale multiple times of day because I learned that I don't need to stress over every 1 pound fluctuation. 2008 is the year I finally figure it out. It is time for me to get on the treadmill and start sweating off some of this fat.

Why?

Why am I still fat? The obvious answer is I eat (binge) way too much and I don't move my ass enough. It really is a simple answer, right? If you watched Jillian with Ali on the Biggest Loser last week, that is exactly the question she insists needs to be answered so the weight doesn't find its way back. If I don't know the why of it I will be forced to keep making the same mistakes over and over again (that sounds familiar).

I need to figure out what is keeping me fat. Why do I keep insulating my body with fat when I get close to hitting my goal weight? Why do I always rebound and go back to eating the foods I know my body can't handle? Why do I continue to abuse my body?

I feel like I have been searching for the answers to the same question my entire life. The answer seems so elusive and out of reach. What am I not getting? What am I going to do this time that will make it different? How am I going to reach my goal and stay there?

I started writing this blog thinking it would force me to figure out what my problem is but find myself censoring what I write because I'm embarrassed by my compulsive eating and lack of focus and dedication to this weight loss effort. I'm going to try to write more openly about my food issues and disordered eating and worry less about being embarrassed by the amount of food I am able to consume. I do a lot of talking about weight loss but there is not enough action. Now is the time for a little less conversation - a little more action.

On the Mend

After going through a crazy amount of NyQuil I'm feeling a bit better although still not 100%. I've struggled through the work week and hit the pillow each night like a bag of rocks. I hope I'm past the worst of it and I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

I have so many projects to get done this weekend including finishing a wedding album. I don't know why I can't say no to people when they ask me to be their wedding photographer. I have one more wedding booked for May and I hope to decline any future wedding jobs. It is so much work and I just don't have the time to do it and work my day job. Of course I need to get everything done before sitting down to watch the Patriots kick some *ss on Sunday.

I plan on getting back to the important work of losing the lard, tracking my food intake and increasing my exercise sessions come next week so I hope to have more updates including some starting figures which are no worse after the holidays (imagine that).

I'm detoxing from the NyQuil and looking forward to a New England Patriots win on Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone. I hope to start catching up with all of you weight loss stars out there.

NyQuil and the Status Quo

I made it through the holidays, my sMother's extended visit, requisite outings for holiday cheer (way too many cocktails of the Stoli vodka variety), numerous dinners out, birthday celebrations, and all the family dramas ... oh, the DRAMA of it all ... but that is a very long post for another day (or very expensive therapy sessions).

So it is a New Year and I'm going to focus on the New Me (ok, maybe not "New" but definitely "Improved"). I never liked making New Year resolutions; I make them at least every Monday so I don't need to make any special ones just because a New Year has started. I do like to start each year looking back at all the good things that happened, what I learned from the bad things, who the important people in my life are, who are the toxic people who I need to distance myself from and what I can do going forward to make a better life for myself in the coming year.

I still have a hard time believing I turned 40 this year and I keep hearing Peggy Lee singing "Is that all there is?" I'm not getting any younger and if there are things I'm going to accomplish in my life I better get my ass in gear, right? This year I am determined to reach some of my goals.

It wasn't easy but I didn't make myself crazy over every cookie or "bad" food I ate, I didn't get on the scale everyday and I tried to get in some form of exercise everyday and I'm exactly the same weight I was before the holidays. How f'd up is that? I could barely lose a damn pound watching every bit of food and working out like crazy but when I stopped doing that, ate pretty much what I wanted and certainly overindulged on the holiday sweetness and I maintained the same weight? That is messed up.

So this is it, this is the year, 2008 is my year of change. I'm going to eat healthy foods and not beat myself up if I eat something "bad" 'cause you know I will; I'm going to exercise with determination (no walking on the treadmill barely breaking a sweat, I need to get wet and sweat it out regularly). No more excuses.

That is my plan for 2008 but I haven't been able to get past the starting line because I'm sick as a dog. As soon as the ball dropped, sMother went back home, and I kissed hello, merry, merry, happy, happy with every germ carrier I find myself on the NyQuil diet. It is certainly not how I wanted to kick start the New Year. I've been wiped out with a sore throat, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, fever and an extremely achy body so I've been on the very popular NyQuil diet (day and night) for over a week. UGGHHH! I've been too exhausted to even get on the computer at night let alone work out. I'm focusing on getting some much needed rest, lots of fluids and bottles of NyQuil. I hope to be back in fighting form and ready to win this battle I am waging on my fat cells after a weekend of taking it easy.

Time for another dose of NyQuil. Good Night.

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday visiting family and friends. I've been a bit stressed the past couple of weeks and haven't done so well on the "diet." I spent a few day around Christmas in sugar shock. I'm not sure how much damage has been done because I still haven't gotten on the scale but will be getting back on the weight loss wagon with a vengeance soon. My Mommy Dearest has been visiting since the 18th of December and does not go back home until Jan. 4th so my house (and my computer) has not been my own. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule and getting down to some serious lard busting business soon. Here's to looking great in 2008!