Wednesday, July 30, 2008
B was discharged from the hospital last Sunday even though he was not feeling any better. He hasn't been able to keep anything down and and they have no good explanation. After running CT scans, MRIs and blood tests they basically found no reason for the pain. The tests results are basically normal aside from a slight sinus infection and elevated blood pressure. They officially diagnosed him with severe sinusitis, then migraines and now they think it may be cluster headaches.
I feel horrible leaving him every day to go to work when he can barely get out of bed to take his medicine. He actually managed to have a few bites of pastina tonight and so far so good we haven't seen it come back. I'm praying he has turned the corner and the worst is behind him. I'm so exhausted from being up every night and working all day. I hope you never experience this kind of pain or have to watch someone you love go through it. It is brutal.
I'm really bummed about this coming weekend too. We had non-refundable tickets for the annual Mt. Washington ATV ride this Sunday but it doesn't look like we're going to make it. I guess there's always next year.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thank you Dr. Pausch. May you rest in peace.
If you haven't seen this lecture it is worth spending the time to check it out, view a condensed version on You Tube or buy the book. You will laugh, you will cry and, hopefully, you will be inspired.
What would you do if you only had a year to live? Why aren't you doing it now?
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I got it from Hilly who got it over at Student Teacher’s place. Here are the rules:
1. Put your MP3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
4. No cheating (or as Hilly said "Don’t fucking cheat, you Google whores!")
All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we know
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right when we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I bought my baby a Cadillac
She said that's just a common gift
When she past me on the street
She refused to give me a lift
Don't have to go out lookin' for trouble
Trouble will find you it's a matter of time
That's when you're gonna need someone behind you
A true friend isn't easy to find
Up with the sun, gone with the wind
She always said I was lazy
Leaving my home, leaving my friends
Runnin' when things get too crazy
I'm gonna love you
Like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
high as a mountain and deep as a river
How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle
A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
my love has come along
my lonely days are over
and life is like a song
Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a King
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
I've been looking for my baby
And I wonder where can she be
Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way
I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Rollin' down highway 95
Sailin' through her hometown countryside
Move on over, stand astride
My cruise control's in overdrive
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me
Kind woman, I give you my all
Kind woman, nothing more
I've been down hearted baby, ever since the day we met
I've been down hearted baby, every since the day we met
Our love is nothing but the blues
Baby, how blue can you get?
Everybody's high on consolation
Everybody's trying to tell me what is right for me,
yeah My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon
But it's plan to see that they can't comfort me
You left me here on your way to paradise
You pulled the rug right out from under my life
I know where you goin' to
I knew when you came home last night
My baby's always dancin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie
We spent the night in Frisco at every kinda disco
From that night I kissed our love goodbye
I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain
I'm going home
Legal problems gettin' thick and hazy
Look at the people gettin' rich and crazy
Locked up in mansions on the top of a hill
Someone needs to tell them 'bout Overkill
Wow...that took longer than I thought it would; I almost gave up when I got to ten. I think there are some pretty good songs in this random selection, and yes I do realize I need to get some new music downloaded, stat. I've been listening to the same stuff for ages, time to mix it up a little. Some of these are way too easy to figure out. So, can you name that tune?
I'm exhausted and my bed is calling me "come to me, please come to me, you are very tired, get off the damn computer and get in me." I've been so lonely in the big bed, finding it hard to sleep without my other half who is still in the hospital. I'm going to give it a shot even if I end up tossing and turning especially now that I have all these songs stuck in my head.
Time for a lullaby.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I've been doing nothing more than working and going to the hospital every day. My house is a disaster because I've barely had time to do a load of laundry. By the time I get home I'm falling into bed only to toss and turn.
B seemed to be getting better yesterday and they were talking about discharging him today but his headache came back with a vengeance last night and he was miserable when I saw him tonight. He barely said two words to me the whole time I was there because his head was pounding so bad. They had taken out his IV because they wanted to make sure he would be able to take his medication orally but now he is nauseous and seems to be getting worse not better. I'm so frustrated and don't understand why he isn't getting better. I've never heard of someone having a sinus infection this bad or for this long.
If things weren't bad enough, B's Dad fell yesterday and broke 6 ribs and may have broken a couple of bones in his back so he is in the hospital now too. He is in a different hospital so I haven't seen him yet to get the full story of what happened.
When things like this happen it forces you to put things in perspective. I haven't even thought about my weight in the past two weeks. It just isn't important considering everything else going on and wouldn't you know I lost a couple of pounds.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Every resident of Massachusetts is now required to have health insurance or they penalize you by reducing your tax refund or not being eligible for the stimulus package this year. Since B is unemployed he signed up to receive health insurance through a network health system but he doesn't pay anything so the doctors and hospitals don't get enough money for his care so they basically just push him away.
B hasn't been able to eat or sleep and can't keep any of the medications down because every time he takes it he just brings it right back up. I don't understand how he can be on antibiotics for over a week and not feel the slightest bit better.
We spent Saturday night in the ER at one hospital and Sunday night at another and he still isn't feeling any better. They refuse to admit him again because of his crappy insurance. It is breaking my heart to see him in so much pain. It is such a disgrace that our country can turn people away from quality health care because they are struggling financially and weren't lucky enough to be born with a trust fund.
I've had about 5 hours of sleep all weekend and now have to get ready to go to work and leave my patient to fend for himself all day. I'm so exhausted. I'm hoping to be able to work through my lunch so I can leave early to get back home. I'm going to go check my lottery ticket, maybe if I hit big I could buy some good health care.
Friday, July 18, 2008
My latest vacation didn't start out bad even though I did turn another year older which gets harder and harder every year. I certainly don't feel 41 although my mind's age and my body's age are vastly different. Each birthday I think of Jimmy Buffett's song Growing Older But Not Up ...
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead
Now don't get me wrong
This is not a sad song
Just events that I have happened to witness
And time takes its toll as we head for the poll
And no one dies from physical fitness
So what the hell, we'll take it right to the end
As the days grow more complicated the nightlife still wins
B was really hurting when we left for the hot air balloon festival in Stowe which was about an 1 1/2 hour drive. He knows how much I love going every year to take pictures so he forced himself to come with us but it was a bad decision. We brought chairs and B didn't move from them for the few hours we were at the festival. Another group of friends were camping in Stowe so we met up with them but B could barely keep his head up. His pain only got worse and he finally went to the emergency room when we got back home on Monday.
After being on vacation for a week and having a doctor's appointment Monday morning I ended up at the hospital with B when I was supposed to be returning to the office. The ER gave him some fluids for dehydration and sent him home with antibiotics for sinusitis and a bunch of pain killers.
Things only got worse and he ended up back at the hospital late Monday night when they admitted him. He couldn't eat or even keep down the pain medication with a sip of water. He spent the week in the hospital being pumped with fluids, morphine and other heavy duty pain killers, a steroid nasal spray and who knows what else. They discharged him Thursday night with a handful of drugs and said the infection will just have to run its course.
My kitchen counter looks like a pharmacy and I'm exhausted from worrying, spending every night at the hospital and then not being able to sleep without him when I got home. Now I'm even more exhausted from playing nurse all night.
I'm praying he turns the corner soon. Aside from when he broke his back I don't think I've ever seen him in this much pain. I feel helpless because there is really nothing I can do to make him feel better except serve him and keep him medicated.
I wish this weather pattern would change because I'm sick of looking up and seeing that big black cloud shadowing me.
I hope everyone is having a better time enjoying good health, the warm weather, cookouts, picnics, pool parties, concerts and the usual summertime festivities. I like to plan my next vacation when I get back from vacation so I have something to look forward to but maybe I should consider scheduling a few long weekends and see if I can make it through them without the storm clouds.
I need a vacation from my vacation.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I recently read the hyped autobiography Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I usually don't like reading what everyone else is raving about because I'm often disappointed when it doesn't live up to the glowing reviews but I actually liked this one. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised by honest account of this woman's determination to find herself and the life she knew she was meant to have. At times I thought she was a bit whiny but I think I was just jealous because I couldn't afford to take a year off from my life and find myself. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?
There was a great passage about Karma that really hit home with me. Gilbert writes:
"The karmic philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even
in one lifetime it's obvious how often we must repeat our sames mistakes,
banging our heads against the same old addictions and compulsions, generating
the same old miserable and often catastrophic consequences, until we can finally
stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also of Western
psychology, by the way) - take care of the problems now, or else you'll just
have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. And that
repetition of suffering - that's hell."
I've been living that hell by repeatedly making the same mistakes. I continue to struggle but I'm determined to fix it - I don't want to be fat in my next life too :)
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I know the older I get the harder it is to lose weight (as if it is ever easy) and yet I'm still stutter stepping around and around. I'm not getting any younger and each time I lose a substantial amount of weight only to gain it back it really screws up my metabolism making it harder and harder.
I've gotten so much support from people who have been in these fat shoes and succeeded and those who are going through the process (thank you). I've read hundreds (thousands?) of blogs proving it is possible but despite my desire to join this group I am still fat. I am at a loss as to why I haven't put in the effort needed to do the things I need to do to reach this goal if it is so important to me. I'm constantly thinking about it but I'm not aggressively, faithfully and wholeheartedly focusing on getting it done.
What the hell am I waiting for? How long can I keep this goal from alluding me? What am I waiting for? When the hell will I figure this out? NOW sounds good.