FAT is NOT a FEELING...

I know FAT is NOT a feeling but when I attempt to squeeze into pants that fit loosely just a few short months ago that is exactly how I feel...FAT. I've been kicking myself a bit for giving away all my fat clothes because I was so sure I was NEVER going to go back there but here I am. I'm not back into the biggest sizes, thankfully, but I'm not going in the direction I want to go.

Fat, bloated, stuffed, depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, disappointed and confused - that is how I've been feeling. How could I let myself regain AGAIN? I swore I wouldn't let it happen AGAIN and here I am AGAIN.

I had good reason to be scared of regaining weight when I went back to work last September because I've done it so many times before. I really thought this time would be different. I thought I had finally figured it out. I had finally learned to love working out and thought that was the key to keeping the weight off. 

I was able to find a way to get to my kickboxing classes twice a week and I get in at least 3 miles of walking almost every day but that just hasn't been enough to keep the pounds from creeping back on. I know there is no amount of exercise that can make up for overindulging on a regular basis and when I'm stressed or bored at work the first thing I want to do is eat. Stress eating and emotional eating is my thing and I need to figure out a way to prevent myself from reaching for snacks all day long when I am NOT hungry for food.

Something has got to give because I've already lost so much ground and I need to stop it. Aside from quitting my job, which, unfortunately, I just can't swing financially, I don't know what it's going to take but I'm going to find a way.

I need to stop feeling FAT because I know FAT is NOT a feeling.

Alive and Kickin'

Yes, I'm still alive and kickin', working my butt off (not literally) and trying to stop the scale from climbing back up. Why oh why does lost weight find it's way back so easily? 

I recently did a google photo search for kickboxing and look what popped up?

Yup, that's me!  I guess I've written about how much I love kickboxing enough that I made it to google's search engine. 

I've been having a hard time keeping up in my kickboxing class lately which is probably due to the 30 pounds I've regained but I'm still fighting and I'm not giving up. 

I really wish I didn't need a paycheck because I would love to be able to spend hours at the gym everyday instead of sitting at a desk shuffling papers all day.  I'm still trying to get my ass out of bed early enough in the morning to go for a run or get to the gym but that just hasn't been happening.  I'm walking over 3 miles a day back and forth to the train station, walking at lunch when weather permits, kickboxing two days a week and staying active but it just hasn't been enough to compensate for sitting on my ass all day at work and snacking way too often.

I'm still here reading all of your posts while commuting but my service is sporadic so I haven't been able to comment much which I miss.  I hope to get better at this time management stuff, get my ass out of bed early enough to work out and hit the lottery so I can quit my job and get back to the gym full time.  A girl can dream...

Rage Against Regain!

I'm so frustrated.  I can't seem to figure out how to make things work.  You may remember when I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds back in September on my first day back to the grind and how worried I was about finding a way to maintain my hard-earned loss.  Apparently I had good reason for my fears and they were not unfounded.

Since reaching my goal last September I've been steadily gaining bit by bit and struggling to find a way to fit in my workouts after a long stressful day at the office. I struggle every day to stay away from all the free food they push around every single day. Last week alone they had a big breakfast one day and ice cream sundaes another day.  I don't understand why they feel the need to reward employees with fattening crappy food. 

I know it's possible to find a way to fit it all in.  I know it can be done. I see many of you not only work full time jobs and take care of your families but also put in the hours you need to stay fit.  I just can't seem to find my way.

I miss my two hour workouts and my daily walks.  I miss having the time to go to the market every day and cook healthy meals every night.  I miss it! 

I knew it was going to be difficult to find the time to workout but I didn't think I would regain so much so quickly.  It's depressing to think how much sweat and effort it took to lose and how easy it finds its way back.

I walk over 3 miles every single weekday back and forth to the train station.  I make every effort to get to my cardio kickboxing class twice a week during my lunch hour but that doesn't always happen because there is always some "emergency" that pops up just as I'm getting ready to leave for class and then I get extremely upset that I can't go which makes me even more stressed out.

Something has got to give.  I have to find a way to make it work or hit the lottery so I can be a lady of leisure who can spend as long as I want hanging out at the gym and taking care of myself. 

I'm not giving up on this fight but it is HARD and I need to find the time to make it work because I don't want to go back to where I was.  I'm not where I was but I'm not where I want to be either. 

I'm sure you've all heard the saying "it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all," right? I was wondering if it is the same sort of thing with weight loss. Is it better to have lost and regained than to never have lost at all?  I'm not sure.

The battle continues....

Numbers Game

You can't win if you don't play. I thought for sure this was my winning ticket even though the odds were better that I would be struck by lightening 7 times on a sunny day. No matter how terrible the odds, I still wasted a few dollars so I could dream about what I would do with all that loot. Sadly, I still have to go to work for a living and I will not be able to give cold hard cash out to my family, friends and strangers on the street but the dream lives on.

If you live in the United States you probably spent at least a dollar during the recent MegaMillions frenzy because the jackpot was as high as a half a BILLION dollars. Almost everyone I know had a ticket and we all had lofty dreams of what we would do with the money if we won.

I started thinking about how I used to dream about getting in shape while sitting on my ass watching infomercials of the latest quick fix, easy weight loss, diet craze. I wanted it so badly but realized that no matter how much I wanted it, wanting and dreaming about it was never going to make it happen. It just wasn't enough. Like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play. You can't expect to win the weight loss battle if you never get your ass off the couch just like you have absolutely no chance of winning the big lottery jackpot if you don't buy a ticket.

So remember, no matter how badly you want to win, you have to be in it to win it.

Get out and play!

The Best Weight Loss Blogs

Crabby McSlacker at Cranky Fitness compiled a great list of the best weight loss blogs of 2012 and I'm not surprised to see many of my favorite blogs on the list and excited to check out a bunch of new-to-me ones. If you are looking for some fresh blogs or wondering if you made the list, you can check it out here.

Did you make the list? Were you surprised to see certain blogs there (I was)? Who is your favorite fitness/weight loss blogger? Do tell - inquiring minds want to know.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....

Hey There, Hi There, Ho There - long time no blog. This working thing really sucks up way too much living time. I've been wanting to write here but just can't seem to find the time to sit at the computer and do it. Something had to give and, unfortunately, as much as I love blogging I just couldn't get to it. If I had a choice between working out and writing about working out I've been choosing to sweat. Priorities, right?

I've been keeping up with what's going on with you by reading blogs on the train during my commute to and from work but service is spotty and it's almost impossible to comment from my phone so I'm sorry if I haven't been a good blogging buddy. I continue to cheer you on even though you don't see it in a comment. I hope you understand and I hope to get better with my time management and get around to commenting once in a while. I miss you guys.

I keep seeing this commercial for a local health insurance company where a couple asks each other every day whether they went to the gym. Their excuses range from "I forgot my ponytail holder," "I missed the cat," "I don't think I needed it today," "my Mother called," and the most common excuse I used other than "no time," "toooooooo tired." It got me thinking about the million and one excuses we use for not living the life we want to live. There is always an excuse for not being able to get to the gym, right? We can always find a reason why we can't go for a walk, why we can't eat healthy, why we can't resist the tempting fattening foods in our face every day, why we can't start our diet today, why we'll put it off until tomorrow or next Monday, after the holidays, after the birthday party, etc. etc. We need to stop giving ourselves excuses and start finding ways to work around them.

It really comes down to making a commitment to take care of ourselves and making it a priority in our lives. We have to eat to live so we need to focus on more fruits, vegetables and lean proteins and less fried, sugary fatty processed crap food. Sure, we can indulge now and then but not every day at every meal. A treat should be a treat, not an everyday thing. I know what that store bought cake tastes like and I don't love it so why should I waste the calories on it?

We can't survive without water but we can certainly live without soda. I'm still amazed that I haven't had a Diet Coke in almost 4 years! I used to have Diet Coke running through my veins and I'm not even tempted to drink it anymore. I don't crave it and could care less if other people around me are drinking it, I don't even want it now and there was a time I thought I couldn't live without it.

We can change our habits. It is possible. We have the technology and the ability we just have to believe we can and make it happen. It won't happen overnight but it will happen if we keep believing it is possible and keep working towards our goals. We will never be perfect but we can keep getting better and better with each little baby step in the right direction.

My biggest excuse these days is I have "no time" to do anything but I'm squeezing in exercise where I can and trying to rein in the mindless/stress/social eating. Between working long hours, the holidays, and vacation, I've regained some weight but I'm not freaking out about it (yet). I don't have the time to spend hours at the gym everyday anymore so it's no surprise I'm up on the scale but I'm fighting to keep it under control and deal with my circumstances. I finally worked up the courage to ask the boss about taking an extended lunch twice a week so I could go to my kickboxing class and he said YES ;).

So, what's your biggest excuse? and what can you do to work around it?

New Dawn, New Day, New Life

New Year Resolutions are great but we really shouldn't save them up for the New Year, we should make them every single day. We don't know what kind of challenges we're going to face in the coming year so as soon as something gets thrown in our path or gets in the way of those resolutions we tend to give up in frustration. Resolutions made on January 1st usually hit a giant brick wall by the time February 1st comes along. The gym has been so packed with New Year Resolutioners that I've had to wait to get on a treadmill the past couple of weeks but the crowds have already started to dwindle down and its only the second week of the year. The New Year is the perfect time to clean the slate, forget the past and look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. Look at all those little boxes on the calendar just waiting to be filled up.

This healthy living thing is a life long process. Even when we reach our goals, it's not the end. How many people do you know who got to their goal weight only to regain most or all of what they worked so hard to lose? We're not done once we see that sweet number on the scale or fit into those goal-size jeans.

We're not THERE yet, we're HERE, right now is where we're at. Right now, right HERE is where we're always at. This is a life long process not a short term project to complete and forget about. We are never done with healthy living. If something is really important, if something really matters, it doesn't get completed in a day. It can't be reached in a day, a week or a month. If you can finish it in a day it's not that big of a deal. If you can finish it in a week or a month it's not that big of an accomplishment. If it takes a lifetime it is a very big deal and totally worth the effort.

When our dreams seem such a long way off, we tend to decide that HERE is THERE and we settle for HERE instead of striving to get THERE. We settle for HERE because THERE seems so far away. HERE is not bad, it's ok, but we need to keep moving forward to get THERE. A new year is the perfect time to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. Put the past behind you, forgive yourself and others for any wrongdoings and move forward. The past is the past. The past is not today and it is not the future. We can't start working on what comes next until we put the past behind us. Don't let the past define your future. Let it go and focus on today and the possibility of what lies ahead.

We tend to get so overwhelmed with the mundane details of surviving day to day that we stop dreaming about the future and settle for HERE. This is not all there is. We are not THERE yet. Keep those dreams alive and keep looking forward to what lies ahead. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes to get THERE as long as you keep moving in the right direction.

Where are you? Where do you want to go? HERE or THERE?

Happy New Day!

Happy 2012!

Happy New Year! Happy New You!

How has 2012 been treating you so far? Are you working on those resolutions. I don't like making them because if it is important on January 1st it is important every other day of the year. Start now, no matter what the date on the calendar is. Don't wait 'til the first of the year, Monday or after that big event, start right now. I hope this is the year we all reach our goals or at least take those baby steps to get closer to realizing them.

Long time no blog, huh? I've written a ton of posts in my head but just haven't had the time to sit at the computer and put them out there. Working really sucks up way too much of my life but it's a necessary evil since I wasn't lucky enough to have a big fat trust fund. I've been contemplating posting short and sweet updates just to keep the crickets from taking over this space but I still need to find the time to do that. I really miss unemployment.

I know most people assume that when a weight loss blogger disappears it's because they've fallen into the rabbit hole vat of chocolate and started packing on the pounds again but I'm not too far gone. Yes, I've gained a bit but I'm still hanging on to the wagon. I'm still fighting to get back to my goal weight that I saw for a nanosecond back in September but I've been able to maintain an average loss of 90 pound for a while now. Vacation and the holidays were filled with temptations but I did the best I could to get my workouts in and abstain from stress eating.

To catch you up on what's been going on with me, I'll start where I left off. Las Vegas was a blast. I don't know why it took us so long to get there. We gambled, partied like aging rock stars, barely slept and ate way too much crappy buffet food. I wasn't sure I could do it but I managed to pull an all nighter on our last night there. Of course, at 40+ it took me a few days to recover from it all but recover I did, just in time for the holiday party season. We did escape the sensory overload of the strip a couple of days to check out the Hoover Dam, Red Rock Canyon and the Valley of Fire. It was nice to get away from all the lights, bells and whistles and be able to check out the quiet desert scenery. It's such a vast contrast to the landscape here in the northeast. It was beautiful but so weird to not see any trees or greenery.

There was way too much family drama over the holidays that's still going on but there really isn't anything I can do about it so I'm trying not to stress out over it. There is always drama in my family and I have learned that the less I get involved the better. I try to be the peacemaker and smooth things over but only end up getting caught in the crossfire so I'm doing my best to stay off the battlefield.

Work has been stressing me out and seriously cutting into my gym time. I barely worked out at all the whole month of December and I was starting to feel like a slug. I did get a few workout in here and there and I've been walking to and from the train station, taking the stairs at the office and going for walks at lunch when I can actually get out but it is not the same as a good sweaty workout at the gym. Ok, are you sitting down? I'm thisclose to completing the C25K program. I completed Week 9, Day 1 which means I only have 2 more days of the program left to do. Not bad, it's only taken me over a year and a half to complete the 9 week program but, you know by now, I'm speedy like a turtle. I never ever thought I'd be able to run for 30 minutes straight without having something chasing me but I've done it. I may be SLOW but I'll get there. I have no doubt about that.

Even though I haven't been able to comment much, if at all, I've been reading and keeping up with what's been going on with you so please know I'm there in spirit cheering you on. I've said prayers for people going through tough times and danced the happy dance for your successes.

Keep rocking it, my friends. HAPPY NEW YOU!

Tis the Season ....

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice or just a holiday off from work, I wish you and your loved ones peace, love and happiness no matter what the season.

I hope you do or continue to do what makes you happy and healthy in 2012.

Remember the reason for the season and love the giver, not the gift.

Peace out!

Viva Las Vegas!

Guess what?

I'm going to Vegas for Thanksgiving!
For years we've been saying we'll go to Vegas for Bill's 50th and it's finally here. He doesn't actually turn 50 'til the day after we get back but we're celebrating early. We're wondering if it might have been better to have gone 10 or 20 years ago when we were able to pull all nighters and party like rock stars but I'm sure we'll have a blast.

I certainly need a vacation. I don't think it will be very relaxing in the city that never sleeps, oh, wait, that's New York, isn't it? Well, I don't think Vegas sleeps either but I may have to sneak in a few zzz's on the plane or by the pool. I even packed some workout gear so I can check out the gym at the hotel. That's a first for me even thinking about working out while on vacation. Oh, how times have changed.

Bright light city gonna set my soul,

Gonna set my soul on fire

Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn,

So get those stakes up higher...

How I wish that there were more

Than twenty-four hours in the day'

Cause even if there were forty more,

I wouldn't sleep a minute away...

Oh, there's black jack and poker and the roulette wheel

A fortune won and lost on ev'ry deal

All you need's a strong heart and a nerve of steel

Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas ~Elvis

Wish me luck! If I hit a big jackpot I won't have to worry about finding a new job. Keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm truly thankful for all the love and support you all have given me over the years. Thank you for everything! You guys are the BEST! Enjoy your turkey and football for my fellow Americans and Happy Thursday to the rest of you.

Two Years Later

November 2009: 242 lbs. (Highest Weight Ever!)

August 2010: 198 lbs. (Onederland ~NEVER to be in the 200s again!)

November 2010: 179 lbs. (1 year ~ 63 pounds lost)

June 2011: 146 (I'm NORMAL ~ BMI)

September 2011: 141 lbs. (reached GOAL ~ 101 pounds gone)

November 2011: 147 lbs. (2 years ~ 95 pounds lost)

I know it's been a while since I checked in but I couldn't let this day go by without mention. Today marks two years since I got laid off from my soul sucking, miserable job and the beginning of my body and soul transformation. What a long strange trip it's been.

After 11 years of hard time at the same law firm I was blindsided, shocked and hurt to get a pink slip but it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Who knew getting laid off would be the sweetest blessing. Fortunately, I was lucky to be in a position to be able to survive on an unemployment check for 22 months while I focused on getting healthy.

I knew I had to take advantage of my time off so I joined a gym immediately and spent at least an hour a day, at least 5 days a week working up a sweat. I went to the gym like it was my job and it was the best job I ever had.

I started off huffing and puffing on the elliptical on Level 1 and struggled to hang on for an hour. I always avoided the machines near the mirrored wall and wore big, baggy t-shirts and sweatpants. After about six months I started mixing in some circuit training with weights and some treadmill work. After the first year I tried a few classes and got turned on to cardio kickboxing where I looked forward to getting my ass kicked twice a week while I continued the cardio work the other 3 days.

I didn't do any extreme dieting. I ate what I wanted in moderation. I ate cake and cookies, ice cream and carbs, nothing was off limits. The more I worked out the more I wanted to eat better so I didn't negate all the hard work I did at the gym. I started craving green monsters instead of crap. I stopped feeling the need to binge and stuff my feelings down and started eating normal sized portions. I wasn't stressed and miserable all the time so I wasn't stuffing myself trying to numb the pain.

Slowly by surely the weight came off. I didn't let myself get hung up on the numbers, I just kept working up a sweat and not eating like a crazy person. Some weeks I gained but I didn't let those gains mess with my head like they had in the past. I knew if I continued working out regularly and eating relatively healthy 90% of the time I would continue to see results. I didn't lose fast but I lost consistently and I think that is the key to keeping it off. Slow and steady has been my motto and I'm still working it.

Unfortunately after 22 months the unemployment checks stopped and I was forced to go back to the daily grind. I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to juggle a crazy work schedule, find time to workout and have some sort of social life.

I did reach my goal of losing 101 pounds but I was only there for a day, ironically it was my first day back at work (9/19/11). On the bright side I've been maintaining a 95+- weight loss since June, almost 5 months of straddling the "normal" BMI line, just under 150 pounds. I haven't been able to get to the gym more than twice a week if I'm lucky and I'm chained to a computer for the better part of 7.5 hours a day but somehow I'm managing to maintain.

My head is spinning out of control, I can't breathe, and I can't focus on what's important because I'm too busy focusing on other people's stuff. I feel like I'm losing myself again because I'm too busy working crazy hours that I don't have time to take care of myself and I miss it. I never thought I would say this but I miss the gym, I miss kickboxing and I miss my stress-free days.

Work totally sucks! I'm stressed out, working crazy hours and have no time to do anything. I barely have time to take care of the basics, you know, laundry, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, sleeping. It's only been two months but I'm already thinking about looking for another job because I just can't handle this kind of stress anymore. I need a paycheck but I just don't want to do this anymore. Thanks for coming to my pity party.

With all that said, I think I'm still better off than I was two years ago. I am so thankful to have had those 22 months but it's so depressing to go right back to the grind. I've come too far to lose myself again. I'm hanging on by a thread but I'm fighting to hang on.

How do you do it? How do you juggle work, family and friends and still have time to hit the gym? Inquiring minds want to know.

Rock on My Friends!

Boston Bloggers Meet in the Flesh

It's been almost three weeks that I've been trying to find a spare minute to sit and write a post about my very first blogger meet up. I was determined to do something other than work, cook, clean and sleep so I accepted an invitation to meet up with some amazing Boston Bloggers. I'm no longer anonymous, at least not to the six beautiful women I got to break bread with at Eastern Standard in Kenmore Square. If you want to hear all about the night and see a picture of all of us (including me!) head over to one of their blogs because they wrote about the night better than I ever could.

I was so inspired by this group of beautiful young women who seem to do it all so effortlessly and find the time to blog about it too. Erin of Creative Soul in Motion who made it all possible; Alli of Alli Learns Life; sisters Sarah of Sarah’s Modern Bites and Samantha of Samantha in Training; Sara of Run Around Sara and Maddie of BFF: Better Food and Fitness.

They told stories of their 5Ks, 10Ks, marathons, half marathons, triathlons and other feats of fitness while I'm still struggling to find a way to work 40+ hours and get to the gym on a regular basis. I did get up the next morning and complete another day of the C25K program. If I'm lucky I will complete this 9 week program in under 2 years.

I was a little nervous and insecure about meeting up with people I had never met before but it didn't take long for me to feel like I was hanging out with a bunch of old friends. It's funny how you can feel so comfortable with people you've never met. There wasn't an awkward minute the whole night. The conversation flowed and we talked about everything from food, wine, and fitness (especially running) to blogging, life and love.

I had a blast and I can't wait to meet up with them again. Cheers!

No Time!

Hey Strangers -

Long time no blog. I've been keeping up with all of you through my reader but I haven't been able to comment much because I'm reading from my phone during my commute but service is spotty on the underground train so it's nearly impossible to comment.

So, I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Who the hell has the time? I'm not adjusting to the back at work routine very well. I'm beginning to think I can't hack the stress of office life anymore. What was I thinking going back to work in a law firm? Why did I think a different place would be different? Well, it is a little different since I'm in that honeymoon period where everyone is sweet and nice but it has been crazy busy and stressful.


Now I remember why I never went to the gym. There's just NO TIME left in the day. I know, I know, I should get up even earlier, way before the sun rises, but it's been a struggle just to get up at 5:30, I'm not sure I can hoist my ass out of bed any earlier.


When the hell do you find the time to fit it all in? I've been working like a dog, going in early, working through lunches and staying late and I haven't even been there a month yet. I'm hoping it won't always be like this and things will calm down a bit but I'm not sure it will or when. By the time I get home, check mail and messages, throw a load of laundry in, cook something for dinner, clean up, etc. etc. there is NO TIME to do much of anything else besides collapse and fall dead asleep even before Chelsea Lately comes on. That is unheard of for me.


I've managed to walk to and from the train station most days which amounts to a little over 2 miles and I've been running up and down the stairs of the four floors of the office regularly but it isn't the same as getting good and sweaty at the gym and it certainly can't compare to my cardio kickboxing class. I miss kickboxing so much it makes me want to cry that I can't go anymore.


I've only managed to get to the gym twice after work in the past 3 weeks. I took a self-defense kickboxing class that I didn't really like and a muscle fit class that was just ok. I also did a few days of the C25K so I'm now up to Week 4 Day 3. Who knows, I just might complete this 9 week program by this time next year. Slow and steady, right?


I've been searching for an affordable gym in my new neighborhood but they are all outrageously expensive and way out of my budget. Who has $300/MONTH to spend on the gym? Not me. I wish I did but that is not going to happen unless I hit the lottery and if that happened I wouldn't be working anyway.


As far as my weight goes, I hit my goal of losing 101 pounds on September 19th which was my first day back at work but I haven't seen that number again since. I even somehow managed to gain SEVEN AND A HALF pounds this past weekend. I know it's not really 7 1/2 pounds of fat but it is scary to see those numbers. It has already come down 2 1/2 pounds but it still makes me nervous.

I need to find time to do what is important to me. I worked too hard and come too far to let it all slip away because of my need for a paycheck. I don't know how you all do it. If you have any advice on how to add a few extra hours to the day, please enlighten me.

Must remember to breathe....

I'm Lost

What a crazy week! I was so excited to be able to start my first day back at work knowing I reached my goal of losing 101 pounds but I haven't seen that number again since Monday. I know I'll get back to it but my official weigh in this week brought me to an even 100 pounds lost. I still can't wrap my head around that number.

Where am I? What am I doing? How did I get here? How do I get to where I want to be?

I'm feeling so lost and confused. My head has been spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it. I'm totally overwhelmed with the new job and just trying to hold it together. I couldn't even decide on what to get for lunch the other day, I just walked around and tried to stop myself from bursting out in tears. I ended up eating a banana and some cashews I brought because it was just too much for me to think about.

Not only am I lost in the office but I'm in a totally different part of the city and I don't know where anything is so I've been walking in circles, getting lost and trying to find my way around. I've spent all my working years in the Financial District and now I'm over in the Back Bay where it is certainly much cleaner and more upscale but it's hard to find places I can afford to go to.

There are so many new programs and procedures and it is taking me so long to complete the simplest tasks. I know I'm good at what I do so it's frustrating not being able to show it. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get my bearings and learn all the procedures but it's so hard. I've been electronically challenged this week too. Seems like every time I tried to do something, even though I was doing it right, for one reason or another it wouldn't work.

I miss my gym time and need to figure out what I'm going to do about that. I have been walking to the train station every day which is a little over a mile each way. I also took a self-defense kickboxing class Thursday night after work but I didn't love it. The instructor kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't find it motivating although I definitely got a good workout. My arms were killing me on Friday and, as he promised, my abs were really sore this morning.

Just wanted to check in and let you know about my first week back at the grind. I haven't even mentioned that I joined Biz' Holiday Challenge yet. I hope to get a post up about that soon along with my plans for maintenance once I figure out what those are.

I hope you all are staying strong and taking care of yourself. I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting as much as but I've been reading from my phone, usually on the train where I don't get service to be able to comment. Please know that I'm still cheering you on even if you don't get a comment from me.

Off to start Week 2. Dear God, please let it be better than Week 1.

Rock on my friends!

GOOOOAL!!!

What a day!

Today was truly a day of new beginnings. Not only was today my first at my new job but it was the day I finally reached my goal of losing 101 pounds! Talk about starting the day off on the right foot. My Wii scale showed 141.1 but I'm rounding down and calling it a victory. 101 POUNDS LOST! I can hardly believe it. Somebody pinch me.

It took 22 months of unemployment, relatively sane eating, lots of soul searching, faith, determination, tons of ellipticalling, walking, TaeBox, running and biking along with a little swimming, zumba, muscle flex, belly dancing and tabata but I DID IT! FINALLY!

No matter where you are on your journey, no matter how hard or unattainable your goal may seem, just keep moving in the right direction one step at a time. Don't worry about how long it will take you, how many obstacles you may have to maneuver around or how many restarts you have to make, just stay focused on your ultimate goal and you will get there. Remember, it's not a race, slow and steady will get you there eventually as long as you keep moving in the right direction. GO TURTLES!

Now comes the hard part ~ maintenance. Wish me luck.

Rock on, My Friends!

A New Beginning...

I will be starting a whole new chapter of my life tomorrow. A new job, a new schedule, a new gym, new classes, it's exciting and scary at the same time. I'm trying to stay positive about it and keep telling myself it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Everything happens for a reason and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I know I've been doing allot of bitching and moaning about going back to work, being scared of losing ground, worried about falling back down the dark, scary rabbit hole of bad habits, and not being confident in my ability to continue living this new healthy lifestyle but I'm working on changing my attitude. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and my new job will not be like my old one.

Today is the last day of my glorious, life changing 22 month sabbatical. I am so grateful to have been able to take this time off and find myself again. As upset as I was about being laid off in November 2009 it ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me. There were so many more things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't get around to doing but I need to give myself a little credit for what I did accomplish. I'm happier, stronger and ALMOST 101 pounds lighter and that is certainly something to be proud of and I am proud.

I worked my ass off to get here and I'm not going to allow a job and my need for a paycheck to take any of it away from me. I was hoping I would hit my goal of losing 101 pounds before I started working again but 2 or 3 pounds really doesn't make any difference. If I really wanted to just see that number I could probably sit in a sauna and sweat it out but I've stopped playing those kind of games. It's not about the numbers anymore, it's about feeling good in my own skin, knowing who I am, letting my light shine and showing it to the world.

I am so thankful to have been given the gift of time to travel such a soul saving journey. I can't wait to see what has been written in the next chapter. I've been so blessed. Thank God for miracles. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

This is your life! Are you who you want to be?

Everything Happens for a Reason

My head has been spinning these days for a number of reasons. I haven't been able to put a coherent thought together in my head let alone get it down on the screen. Everything is jumbled. Nothing in this world makes sense but I know there is a reason for everything.

I was reading stories of 9/11 survivors who, for one reason or another, didn't make it to where they were supposed to be on that fateful Tuesday morning over ten years ago. They missed a train, a bus or a plane, their child was sick, they got stuck in traffic, they had a flat tire, the alarm didn't go off, they stopped to get band aids because their new shoes gave them blisters, so many random events that may have been irritating at the time but ended up being the one thing that saved them. You never know why things happen the way they do but there is a reason for everything.

As we marked the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks it drives home the point that you never know what could happen today, tomorrow, next week, next year. We worry about all sorts of things but the most life altering things are usually things we never even saw coming, they just happen. I'm still not able to look at the footage of that day in 2001 without crying like a baby so I avoided most of the news coverage.

To make a somber day even sadder, I had to attend the funeral of my friend and neighbor who had a heart attack the week before, spent a week in a coma and died at the age of 55. She was out mowing the lawn that morning and going about her day just like any other. As you can imagine, everyone is still in shock. A few weeks ago someone I know was hit by lightening in a fast moving storm, spent a week in a coma and then died leaving behind a wife and three children. What are the chances of that?

What I keep thinking is you just never know when your whole world will be turned upside down. Things like losing weight and working out don't seem so important in the grand scheme of things. Being with family and friends, enjoying every minute of your life and putting the tough times in perspective is what we should be doing, not beating ourselves up over what the scale says or fretting about eating some cake and ice cream.

Even though I've been trying to stay focused on what's most important in life, I've been stress eating and having nightmares about going back to work next week. I know it's a good thing. I've had a good run and should be ready to return to the workforce. I know I'm lucky to have found a decent job in this economy when so many others are struggling to find work. Earning a paycheck is very important but as this last week flies by I find myself mindlessly eating when I'm not hungry and worried about falling back into old bad habits.

I'll be attending my last cardio kickboxing class today since the gym is too far away from my new office to be able to make that lunchtime workout. I love that class and I'm sad I won't be able to continue going there twice a week for a good ass kicking. I'm not sure what my new schedule will be like, where and when I'll fit in my workouts or how I'll be able to handle this transition but I need to try to stay focused on what's important.

Even after all the stress eating I've been doing, I'm a mere 4 pounds away from reaching my goal of losing 101 pounds. It has taken me almost two years to get here and I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to find myself again. I was so lost and miserable and feel so much better than I did two years ago. I need to have faith that I'll be able to handle whatever comes my way because I'm stronger now. I'm not the same person I was two years ago and I don't want to ever go back to that dark and miserable place.

Even though I'm feeling sad, scared and overwhelmed, I realize I really have nothing to complain about. We only get this one life and we should cherish every single moment we can. Change is hard but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Enjoy every single minute because you just never know what the day or the future will bring.

Remember, Life is Good!

101 Days of Summer Finale

Time flies even faster when the weather is warm or scorching hot and humid. Those were the quickest 101 days of the year, huh? Hard to believe Labor Day is tomorrow. Before we know it there will be Halloween candy to tempt us, and then the big feasting holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, will be right around the corner. Then we'll be making those New Year's resolutions/goals again. Will yours be the same as every other year? Are you in a better place than you were last year? What do you need to do to make positive changes and reach those goals? Let's make the most of the remaining days of 2011. We're not getting any younger, you know.

So, here's my final stats for the 2011 101 Days of Summer Challenge:

WEIGH IN

6/1/11 101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Starting Weight: 149.5 lbs.
6/10/11 Weigh In: 148.2 lbs.
6/17/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
6/24/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
7/1/11 Weigh In: 148.4 lbs.
7/8/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/15/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/22/11 Weigh In: 147.9 lbs.
7/29/11 Weigh In: 145.7 lbs.
8/5/11 Weigh In: 145.5 lbs.
8/12/11 Weigh In: 147.7 lbs.
8/19/11 Weigh In: 148.6 lbs.
8/26/11 Weigh In: 149.0 lbs.
9/2/11 Weigh In: 147.3 lbs.

101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Total Loss: 2.2 lbs.

Starting Weight (11/2009): 242 lbs.
Current Weight (9/2/11): 147.3 lbs.
Total Loss: 94.7 lbs.

I was relieved to see a loss this week after three straight weeks of gaining. Even though I still haven't reached my goal of losing a total of 101 pounds I am slowly making my way to the finish line at my usual lightening turtle speed. As much as I want to see that goal number on the scale I'm pretty content where I am now. Losing another 6.3 pounds isn't going to make too much of a difference in how I feel but I'm still striving to get there.

HYDRATION

I've been staying sufficiently hydrated but haven't been paying much attention to how many ounces I'm taking in.

EXERCISE

Have I mentioned how much I love cardio kickboxing? I'm disappointed that I'm not going to be able to make these classes when I go back to work in a couple of weeks. The gym where I take the classes is a 20 minute walk from my new office so I would need a good 2 hours to get there, change, take the class, shower and walk back. The other gym I go to will be less convenient too so I'm going to have to do some research and find a new place to sweat. Lots of changes on the horizon but, as we all know, everything changes and we need to learn how to embrace the changes, good and bad.

DO NOT QUIT

I've come too far to ever give up. Quitting is NOT an option!

KEEP BLOGGING

I don't plan on going anywhere although I have been giving some thought to starting a fresh new blog once I hit maintenance.

ENCOURAGE OTHERS

Rah, Rah, Shish, Boom, Bah!!! I may not have been the best cheerleader but I'm always cheering you on in spirit.

C25K

I still haven't gotten past Week 4, Day 1 of the C25K program but I'm not so hesitant about running anymore. I'm going to complete this program one of these days.

GET TO GOAL and START MAINTENANCE ~ FINALLY

I still haven't reached my goal but I know I'll get there, slow and steady. I only have a little over 6 pounds to lose to reach my goal and it is statistically possible I could do it before I go back to work on the 19th *fingers crossed* It would certainly tie up my time off with a neat little bow. I'm extremely proud of all that I was able to accomplish while hanging out in the unemployment line. Now I need to find a way to make it all work while working.

Thanks to Biz for organizing the 101 Days of Summer Challenge again and a big thank you to everyone who has encouraged and supported me on this journey. We are in this together and we will reach whatever goals we set as long as we never give up trying.

Stay strong, be cool and rock on!

Peace Out!

Feeding My Emotions

The biggest problem with being an emotional eater is that I'm always feeling something. It doesn't matter what emotion it is, I want to feed it. Happy, sad, glad, mad, exhausted, confused, ecstatic, frustrated, disgusted, frightened, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeful, bored, anxious - it doesn't matter, food is what I've always turned to. I'm either trying to stuff the bad feelings back down or celebrate the good ones with good food. One of the biggest triggers of emotional eating for me is stress and I am feeling very STRESSED right now.

As you know, I was laid off in November 2009 and was blessed to have the opportunity to get my life back, focus on my health and happiness and remember what it's like to be happy. I am so thankful to have had the time to get my shit together, lose over 90 pounds and make some big changes in my life but now the bubble has burst and I have to get back to the real world. My unemployment benefits ran out and unless I hit the lottery in the next week I will be going back to the daily grind very soon.

I just got a decent job offer and I know I should be happy about it but instead of celebrating my good fortune of being able to get a job in this crappy economy I want to cry (and eat). I'm so afraid of falling back into the bad habits that made me miserable and obese. The office is too far away from the gym where I take my kickboxing classes so I won't be able to go anymore and that makes me sad. I love those classes. I know there are other gyms and I'll be able to find something in the area but it won't be the same.

I'm such a creature of habit and I don't handle changes very well. I'm so scared of losing myself again, letting stress take over and not having the time or the energy to do the things that make me happy and healthy.

I know many people have much bigger problems and are able to juggle and prioritize all the things they need to do to stay healthy, I just hope I can be one of them in time.

Do you have any tricks or tips on how to make time to workout? I know, just do it, right?

Wish me luck.

Final Slimmer this Summer Update and Last Week of 101 Days of Summer Challenge

What? It can't be. What do you mean it's the final weigh in for the Slimmer this Summer Challenge? Where did the summer go? Didn't we just celebrate Memorial Day? How can it be over already? Who turned the clocks on fast forward. It seems like just yesterday we were making all our summer plans and now Labor Day is next weekend.

I may not have the most exciting numbers to report but I feel like I made some good progress over the summer. I didn't reach my goal of 101 pounds lost and I didn't show much of a loss on the scale but there are other factors and lessons learned that are just as important. Just because the StS challenge is over doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. I'm going to continue to fight for my good health and I hope you are too.

Here's my stats for the week:

WEIGH IN

6/1/11 101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Starting Weight: 149.5 lbs.
6/6/11 Slimmer this Summer Starting Weight: 151.2 lbs.

6/10/11 Weigh In: 148.2 lbs.
6/17/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
6/24/11 Weigh In: 147.5 lbs.
7/1/11 Weigh In: 148.4 lbs.
7/8/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/15/11 Weigh In: 146.4 lbs.
7/22/11 Weigh In: 147.9 lbs.
7/29/11 Weigh In: 145.7 lbs.
8/5/11 Weigh In: 145.5 lbs.
8/12/11 Weigh In: 147.7 lbs.
8/19/11 Weigh In: 148.6 lbs.
8/26/11 Weigh In: 149.0 lbs.

101 Days of Summer Challenge 2011 Loss to Date: 0.5 lbs.
Slimmer this Summer Challenge Weight Loss to Date: 2.2 lbs.

Starting Weight (11/2009): 242 lbs.
Current Weight (8/26/11): 149 lbs.
Total Loss: 93.0 lbs.

That is certainly NOT how I wanted to finish off the Slimmer this Summer Challenge but it is what it is. I had my third straight week of gains but it's not the first time that's happened, it's not the end of the world and I'm definitely not giving up. I'm not happy about crossing over my "do not cross" line in the sand (150 pounds) early in the week but I'm glad I was able to work it back off before weighing in. Sure, it would have been nice to get to my goal during the challenge but I know I will get there and it will happen exactly when it is supposed to happen.

HYDRATION

I've been slacking a bit on my water consumption the past few days. I'm not dehydrated but I could be drinking more. I find it's so much harder for me to get my water in on the weekends when I'm not at the gym. I actually had a cocktail Saturday night while sitting out at the bon fire enjoying the calm before the storm.

EXERCISE

I got in some intense workouts this week including my regular cardio kickboxing classes, three days of sweating on the elliptical and some good long walks here and there.

DO NOT QUIT

I will never stop fighting this battle until I have evicted every last one of the unwanted pounds I've been lugging around for way too long. Even after I get to my goal weight I know that the fight is not really over. It will never be over. I know I will have to keep fighting for my health and not let any of my old bad habits sneak back into my daily life. I will not suffer through regaining ever again. I refuse to regain. Quitting is NOT an option!

KEEP BLOGGING

My last post about Feeding Your Faith was my 400th post after 4 years of blogging. It's exciting to actually show some progress since I spent the first two years bitching, moaning and crying about my weight but not putting in the effort to actually make any progress. I'm still here and I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm going to need all the help I can get on the next leg of this weight loss journey - maintenance.

ENCOURAGE OTHERS

I've been doing my best to get around and comment but haven't done as much as I wanted to do. I wish we could all give ourselves the support and encouragement we give to others so easily. The next time you leave an encouraging comment on another blog, turn it around and tell yourself the same thing.

C25K

I didn't make any progress on the C25K program this week but I feel better about being able to run now that my knee isn't screaming at me every time I do.

GET TO GOAL and START MAINTENANCE ~ FINALLY

I still haven't reached my goal but I know I'll get there, slow and steady.

THANK YOU!!! Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It really is an amazing supportive community we have here and I'm so lucky to have you all in my corner.

Stay strong, be cool and rock on!

Peace out!