Red Sox Rolling Rally

Let's root, root, root for the home team!! It was a crazy Red Sox fan frenzy day in Boston. We didn't even have to wait 86 years for this one. I can't believe they swept the series in 4 games.

The office ordered hot dogs, beans, chili and all the fattening park fixings for lunch. They set up the big screen tv in the conference room so we could watch all the festivities. I stayed away from all that stuff and ate the salad they ordered for the vegetarians. It was so hard to stay away from the peanuts, chips and all the other snack food but I did it.

I took a walk as far up Winter Street as I could, got in the middle of the crowd, sang dirty water as the Duck Boats and the World Champions rode by. I was one of those people wearing red and waving.

It is good to be a sports fan in Boston these days. Thanks to the boys of Summer who gave us another World Series Championship! See you at Spring training!

An Apple a Day . . .

A recent study suggests that an Apple a Day Keeps the Calories at Bay. I usually only eat apples this time of year when they are fresh and I can go spend a day at the orchard picking my own. More often than not I get sick from eating too many. I don't consider it a binge because it only takes a couple to make me full and a few bites of a few more (you have to sample the different varieties) to make me feel sick. Not only that but I get all sorts of good exercise hiking all over the orchard, reaching for the juiciest, freshest and, of course, highest and hardest to reach apples. The apples at the supermarket just don't taste the same.

There is something so different and delicious about eating foods you have grown (or just picked). I'm not sure if it's because it's so much fresher with no preservatives or because it hasn't been touched by any other hands; it's hard to explain. My in-laws had a garden at their farm in VT and before that I didn't even like zucchini. I've picked fresh strawberries on a hot summer day. They tasted like someone had poured sugar on them - they were sooooo sweetest. Fresh corn is one of favorites (and the corn maze is a blast too). It doesn't even need the butter and salt I usually use on store bought corn. I once spent a day picking potatoes, wrapped one in foil and cooked it in a bonfire that night. It was the most amazing potato I ever tasted in my life. Too bad it was such back breaking work I'll never pick them again.

I absolutely love the winter (yeah, I know I'm in the minority) but I hate that all my fruits and vegetables have to come from the market or frozen in the winter months. I'm going to try to eat more apples and other fruits and veggies this winter even if they don't taste as good.

Do you notice the difference between fresh and store bought? What do you do when the snow falls, the farmers' markets are gone and you're stuck with supermarket or frozen varieties?

I'm going to cut up a fresh apple right now before it snows.

Fat Facts

It's official. I'm obese. I am still trying to work up the courage to post "before" pictures, measurements and weight but thought I would clue you in to just how far I need to go. I think my reluctance to post pictures and numbers is not that I don't want you to see me but I don't want to see myself. I need to suck it up and put it out there but until then - here is the fat facts:

My current BMI is 38.6 which puts me in the obese category. I'm not sure how close it is to morbidly obese and I don't want to find out. When I lose 80 pounds my BMI will be 24.9 which is normal.

So that is my goal. I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

Holidays

I swear I can gain weight just looking at food. Every pound lost takes a Herculean effort but it is easy as pie for me to gain a solid 3-5 lbs in a weekend away (even if I haven't eaten any pie).

I'm trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of food that comes with the holiday celebrations. First, there is the Halloween candy everywhere. Everyone is pushing sugar, sugar and more sugar. The store isles are filled with tons of it and every desk in my office has a "trick or treat" dish staring at me. After coming down off the sugar high we have to get through the holiday that is basically all about the food (turkey, stuffing, smashed potatoes, pies, cookies, cake, etc.). We give thanks for the abundance of food and curse it at the same time as we slip into a food overdose coma while watching football. After you get all the Tryptophan out of your system the holiday parties start. Friends want to get together for a cup or two (or ten) of holiday cheer, the gift baskets of food get delivered to the office, relatives visit and bring all their special dishes, Christmas celebrations abound, New Year's drinking ... oh, give my strength. Where do I buy fashionable holiday blinders so I can avoid looking at and giving in to all the temptations?

I want to go out and enjoy myself over the holidays. I want to celebrate but I don't want to get to the start of another year fatter than the last. I need a plan to get through these next couple of months without gaining even more weight. I'm at my highest weight ever and I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds for months.

Maybe I should just concentrate on not gaining, making the best choices I can and getting as much exercise as possible. I'll concentrate on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor and away from the buffet tables. I'll be the Dancin' Queen. Dancing burns calories, right? What do I do at the parties without a dance floor? The parties where the entertainment is food and booze.

How do you get through social events without diving off the weight loss wagon?

Depression and Fat

Which came first the depression or the fat? Are people depressed because they are fat or get fat because they are depressed? I always considered myself a happy glass-is-half-full kind of girl but have had bouts of depression the more weight I put on. I don't know if it is a cause and effect thing. I'm happy when I'm eating heathly and working out and I'm depressed when I binge and slack on the exercise. So why do I keep myself from being happy? There are studies on these issues but I'm too lazy to link to any of them.

I feel so disgusted and betrayed by my body. I have traveled down this road so many times and have gotten so lost. I need to think positive and believe that I can succeed even if I have failed so many times before. What will I do different this time? How will I make this happen? I still haven't worked that out yet.

There are so many woman out there who have so much more weight to lose but have such a positive attitude you just know they are going to make it to their goal. I've read blogs of woman who have lost more than 100 pounds while I've been messing around with the same 5-10 pounds. I have to get out of this funk and find that positive I-can-do-anything-I-set-my-mind-to mentality. Maybe it is all about the attitude.

Convenience Food?

It conveniently makes you fat.

How many different kinds of snack foods are out there? Thousands? Tens of Thousands? Seems like millions. Every store is a minefield of candy, chips, cookies, crackers, sugary treats -basically garbage. This garbage is strategically placed at the checkout line so I can't avoid seeing it, wanting it, trying to resist it, knowing I don't really want it if I REALLY want to lose weight. If I see it or smell it, I want it. If it's in my house, I'll eat it. I'm like Pavlov's dog conditioned to salivate over junk food and give into every temptation.

It seems they are coming out with new variations of junk food every day. It makes me sick just thinking about the amount of junk I've eaten. It doesn't seem humanly possible. Do we really need more varieties of this processed crap? Will the market ever be saturated with snack food? or will we just keep getting fatter and fatter? SUPER SIZE EVERYTHING = SUPER SIZING YOUR ASS!

I feel like I'm on a treasure hunt every time I try to find a healthy alternative. When the whole low carb Atkins craze was the rage the market responded by taking the carbs out of everything and marketing it to the thousands of people who were craving that sweet taste. It didn't work. People would eat the low carb substitute and be left hungry for the real thing. It was the same when any kind of "fat" was the enemy and the market responded by taking the fat out of everything only to replace it with sugar.

Isn't there enough of a market out there of people who want healthy choices? Why is it so inconvenient to eat healthy? I wish it were just as easy to find a side of broccoli as it is to find a side of fries. I'd love to be able to walk into the convenience store and grab something healthy. Where is the market for the people who don't want to mainline sugar?

I'm Worth It*

Bob, one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser, forced a member of his team, Patty, to admit she was worth it. Bob was in her face, telling her she could do it, she was a Mom, she was strong, she was worth it. He made her say it out loud, "I'm worth it." At first Patty whispered it quiet as a mouse like she didn't want anybody to hear her say it. She didn't believe it. He made her say it again, "I'm worth it." This time she said it with a little more conviction. Bob made her repeat it over and over again. Finally Patty yelled, "I'M WORTH IT" with tears streaming down her face. It was like a dam broke inside her. She admitted she was worth it although I'm not sure she truly believed what she was saying but she said it. I was crying too.

Just recently I wrote a post with the exact same words. I wrote about how I am my own worst critic. I'm always going out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy but I never give myself the same consideration. Maybe I should be talking to myself in the 3rd person. MB, "you are strong, you will do it this time, you will lose the weight, you will keep it off, you are a beautiful person no matter how much you weigh, you are worth it."

Whether I was thin or fat I've never been happy with myself. The more weight I gained the more unhappy I got. I would lose weight, sometimes a substantial amount, start to feel better, start to think I would make it, start to believe in myself and then . . . what . . . WTF happens then? Why haven't I been able to learn this lesson? I'm smarter than this - I just know it.

I've gotten so close to reaching my goals I could taste them (oh, they were soooo sweet). Shortly before reaching a magic number or fitting into those skinny jeans a spell would be cast over me. I would get out of control, I would binge my way back up the scale and back into my fat pants (and my fat pants would get bigger and bigger every time). Why did I always fall back into the bad habits, the binges, the caring but not caring about what I ate, the scale avoidance, the denial, the excuses?

After I climbed my way to another high point on the scale (or past that point but too afraid to get on the scale) it would take months, sometimes years, to get up the courage to try again. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I've never appreciated myself for just being me no matter what my weight. Yes, I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight and I will lose weight but until then I have to believe "I'm worth it" NOW no matter what the scale says. It doesn't matter whether it is 200, 300 or 400+ lbs, I'm worth the fight. I'm going to lose the weight, I'm going to be able to maintain the weight loss and I'm going to be a healthy person. Today is the youngest I'll be for the rest of my life. What am I waiting for. It is now or never. I'm not playing anymore. I'm not giving into the temptations. I'm not going to binge on chocolate, pizza, candy, bread, pasta, anything in excess anymore. I'm going to do it for myself just because "I'm worth it."

* Sorry for the somewhat repetitive post but I felt like Bob was talking to me tonight. I think it was a sign, a message from the ol' idiot box "hello, listen up, yeah, you, the girl crying over there, believe in yourself, you can do it, you're worth it." Thanks Bob.