Coming Out of the Sugar Coma

I'm slowly recovering from the sugar induced haze of the holidays. Holy Christmas Cookies Batman!

I'm happy to say there wasn't any drama this year since my Mommy Dearest decided to stay in Florida. My brother and his husband, my father and stepmonster, and my sister and sister's girlfriend all met up with various family members out of state so B and I didn't have to rush around from place to place which made for a very mellow holiday.

It was pretty low-key with all of B's family together at his brother's house in NH. My niece and nephews are teenagers now so there wasn't that magic of watching Christmas through a child's eye but we had a joyous stressless holiday. We ate way too much food (my sister-in-law makes the best cheese danish that I indulge in once a year), we opened lots of presents and envelopes full of green (B's parents are way too generous), we lost money on the scratch ticket swap like we do every year (I keep saying I'm not going to do it anymore), I learned all sorts of Wii tricks from the nephews (I work up a sweat playing my Wii and my nephews barely flick their wrists around) and we all ate way too many delicious sugary holiday treats. It was a blast and I'm glad it's over.

I have to confess that I had to make the dessert I was bringing to Christmas dinner twice because I stupidly made it a day early and then proceeded to eat half the tray. This toffee cracker stuff is similar to the recipe I used but I warn you, it is like crack and I don't want you to lose yourself in its sugary, buttery, chocolaty goodness. I couldn't stop myself from eating it. MMMmmmm.... A small piece here and a small piece there and next thing you know half the container was gone. How did that happen? I made my version of it with health bar pieces and another batch with vanilla chocolate instead of the semi-sweet chocolate morsels and it was amazing but seriously addictive. I should never make it again because I just can't be trusted around it, just like chocolate covered pretzels. It must be something with the salt and chocolate that flicks the switches in my head to auto-pilot and I lose the ability to stop myself from eating more and more.

Like an alcoholic can't just have "one" drink, I can't just have "one" of almost anything with sugar. I'll have a tiny sliver of cake and then have another tiny sliver and another instead of just having a normal slice from the start. Those 100 calorie packs of sweets don't help me because I'll end up eating the whole box. I know I have issues and I'm working on them.

I know I should be able to enjoy anything in moderation but what if I can't control it? Do I need to avoid it forever or will I eventually learn how to control myself with certain trigger foods? I'm glad all the crack is gone and I got back to my green monster for breakfast today. Fruit is a much better and healthier sugar high for me. It doesn't spike my blood sugar the way white cane sugar does.

Luckily I've been going to the gym faithfully and burning lots of calories on the elliptical and dreadmill so the damage on the scale from all the sugar has been minimal. I didn't lose any weight over the holidays but I didn't gain any either and that is something I don't think has ever happened before. Usually the holidays are an all out food fest and a free pass to gain the usual 5-10 pounds because it's the holidays, right? No, this year is different. 2010 is going to be different. I am different.

Julie over at Smoke Yourself Thin recently wrote a post about whether or not sugar can be as addictive as heroin or cigarettes and for me, I think it is. When I have it I always want more. I can't seem to get enough no matter how much I have and I can't refuse it when it's offered to me. I feel the physical effects of the sugar in my body and a haze come over my mind after a big sugar binge.

I'm detoxing now.

What do you think? Can you be addicted to certain foods? If so, what are you addicted to?

Cake Coma

Happy Birthday to my father-in-law who turned 74 last week. He is an amazing man who I adore. I knew and loved him even before I ever met his son over 26 years ago. He's been more of a father to me than my own father. Since he was out of the country last week, my SIL had a little party for him tonight.

I had reasonably healthy portions of dinner and a small sliver of the white on white homemade birthday cake my SIL baked (Mmmmm ... cake ... mmm). It was absolutely delicious and I wouldn't have felt guilty about eating it if I only had that one sliver. We stayed to play cards and after a few hours of drinking coffee and water, resisting all the snack food and watching everyone munch, I gave in and had another piece of cake. UUGHHH! Do you see a pattern here? I certainly do. When will I learn how to keep the sweets out of my big mouth?

By the time we left I felt like my head was in a fog from all the sugar. I was dazed, stuffed and felt miserable. Having a few bad beats in poker and losing money didn't help either (I'm still up from last week though).

I really have to stop doing this to myself. Why do I crave sugar when it makes me feel so crappy? Why do I want it if it makes me miserable and fat? Why can't I just eat one sliver of birthday cake? Why can't I get this sugar addiction under control? There is no doubt I am, and always will be, a sugar addict. Like an alcoholic, I can't have just one.

I know there's nothing I can do about it now except get back on track and work the sugar out of my system. I know when I start eating that stuff it just makes me want it more and I can spiral out of control if I'm not careful. What's done is done and I just have to move on. The only problem with that plan is I have a big Italian wedding to go to tomorrow night.

How do you resist all the food at social events?

Pipe Dreams?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really figure out my issues with food. Will I ever be able to permanently get rid of these flabby rolls that have made a home on my 5'3" frame. Will I ever get to a point where I am comfortable with my body?

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride, sick of denying myself foods I love, sick of giving in to the urges to binge and the post binge guilt, sick of losing a few pounds one week and gaining it back the next.

I've been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. When I was thin, I wasn't thin enough and would diet and lose and then gain it back plus some extra all the way up to my current all time high. I'm over 40 *gasp* and spent a lifetime screwing up my body. When will it stop?

I keep thinking the only way I can lose weight consistently is to completely get off the sugar/flour. It's so hard for me to commit to that (AGAIN) because it is so hard core and I always feel deprived but I know it works for me. My body doesn't know how to process that crap and it's obviously telling me that by holding onto all this flab.

Even when (not if) I lose the weight again I know can't stay away from that stuff forever so am I destined to repeat the lose/gain cycle for the rest of my life? Is it just a pipe dream to think I can get it right this time? I hope not. I can't give up the fight but I wonder if I will ever really win this war.

Halloween Candy

I can't believe I got through Halloween and the DAY AFTER without eating one piece of chocolate. WhooHoo! I even brought a small bag of the bite sized fat pills home from the office for B. I told him to hide the bag and not eat them in front of me.

I've spent too many Halloweens feeling sick to my stomach because I gorged on FUN sized candy; one right after the other. Why do they call it FUN sized? It is only FUN for that 3 seconds. I didn't want to allow myself even one little piece because I know I wouldn't be able to just eat one. But come on, it's Halloween, how can I not eat any candy? It doesn't feel like Halloween without the sugar high.

Why are we so conditioned to eat certain things on holidays? They do sell turkeys all year round; candy is always available. Why do we feel pressured to eat certain things on certain holidays. I'm starting the NO CANDY Halloween tradition. I don't think it will catch on but it works for me right now.

I know I have a binge eating problem. I know I can't have just one right now. Maybe when I've made some real progress but not now. I have to stay away from those trigger foods like sugar (it is my crack). Unfortunately, those trigger foods are EVERYWHERE. I'm hoping to get through tomorrow without giving in to the enticing calls of the candy dish.

Convenience Food?

It conveniently makes you fat.

How many different kinds of snack foods are out there? Thousands? Tens of Thousands? Seems like millions. Every store is a minefield of candy, chips, cookies, crackers, sugary treats -basically garbage. This garbage is strategically placed at the checkout line so I can't avoid seeing it, wanting it, trying to resist it, knowing I don't really want it if I REALLY want to lose weight. If I see it or smell it, I want it. If it's in my house, I'll eat it. I'm like Pavlov's dog conditioned to salivate over junk food and give into every temptation.

It seems they are coming out with new variations of junk food every day. It makes me sick just thinking about the amount of junk I've eaten. It doesn't seem humanly possible. Do we really need more varieties of this processed crap? Will the market ever be saturated with snack food? or will we just keep getting fatter and fatter? SUPER SIZE EVERYTHING = SUPER SIZING YOUR ASS!

I feel like I'm on a treasure hunt every time I try to find a healthy alternative. When the whole low carb Atkins craze was the rage the market responded by taking the carbs out of everything and marketing it to the thousands of people who were craving that sweet taste. It didn't work. People would eat the low carb substitute and be left hungry for the real thing. It was the same when any kind of "fat" was the enemy and the market responded by taking the fat out of everything only to replace it with sugar.

Isn't there enough of a market out there of people who want healthy choices? Why is it so inconvenient to eat healthy? I wish it were just as easy to find a side of broccoli as it is to find a side of fries. I'd love to be able to walk into the convenience store and grab something healthy. Where is the market for the people who don't want to mainline sugar?

Sugar is my Crack

I'm addicted to sugar - all kinds of sugar. This shit is worse than crack cocaine. No matter how many times I tell myself it is about moderation I can find myself in the middle of an all out binge. I convince myself I can certainly have ONE piece of chocolate, cookie, cake or whatever but then I'll find myself feeling nauseous because I've eaten the whole bar, bag or pan. I sometimes feel like Homer with his mouth hanging open, drool running down his chin mumbling something about donuts until I come out of the food coma/sugar shock. That is when regret and disgust come running in the room.

I don't know what happens to my brain on sugar. Is it like that commercial with the egg in the frying pan? . . . this is your brain, this is your brain on SUGAR *SMASH* your brain is a bunch of egg yoke all over the walls.

Why do I torture myself with thoughts of weight loss while simultaneously eating an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels (and I'm not talking about the little individual serving size either)? I haven't done this in at least a month but it has happened more times than I care to remember.

Every waking day of my life is a struggle to resist overloading on sugar or carbs. Every family function, every day at the office, every BBQ and birthday party is a struggle. Just last week at the office there was a party to celebrate a new baby (Jen's) and a wedding (Dena's); there was a vanilla cake with strawberries, a chocolate mousse-type cake and a full set up of Brigham's ice cream with all the fixings (jimmies, hot fudge, whipped cream, etc.). I need to find the strength to be able to attend these things without giving into the temptation. I know it is possible to resist, I've done it, but it just sucks. How do you handle all the temptations? Do you become anti-social? do you tie your hands behind your back? wire your jaw shut? pretend you are happy to sit and celebrate with a glass of water or tea? How the f*** do you celebrate with celery?

I think it would be easier to give up crack (thankfully I don't have any first hand knowledge of this - I have enough problems). Crack isn't something you have to do multiple times a day, you can't buy it everywhere although I'm sure most high school kids could tell you where to get it, and you couldn't do it just about everywhere, every single day for your entire life or you will die. You have to eat, right? You can't just say "I'm going to get clean," "I'm going to give up food," "I'm going to stay away from the places where they have food," "I'm going to rehab." In the words of Amy Winehouse "I say NOOO, NOOO, NOOO." You can't just give up eating and after 40 years I can't seem to figure out how to do it right.

I need to find answers, I need to find the key, I need to flick that switch in my brain, I need to retrain my brain and stop my hands from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm getting desperate. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm trying to work up the courage to post some "before" pictures so you can see what I'm dealing with but I can hardly stand to look at pictures of myself let alone put them on the world wide web for all to see but I'm working on it.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Hello, my name is MB and I'm addicted to sugar.