When I developed earlier than all the other girls in fifth grade I thought I was fat. I wasn't, I just grew boobs and hips.
When I was 15 wearing a size 7 and weighing around 125 pounds I thought I was fat. I wasn't. I had a smokin' hot body. I would really appreciate that body if I had it today.
When I got my drivers license at age 16 I put on a few pounds because I wasn't walking or biking to get where I wanted to go. I probably weighed around 130 pounds and wore a size 9. I thought I was fat. I wasn't. I'd be happy to be 130 now.
Every year I would try new diets and lose a few pounds only to gain more and more. I was shocked when I hit 140 pounds and had to jump to a size 10-12. I couldn't believe I was so close to 150 pounds. I tried to lose it by going on one diet after another and ended up gaining more in the long run. I thought I could get my weight under control. I wasn't going to allow myself to break 150 pounds because then I would be really FAT. It didn't take long to exceed that mark with another round of dieting and regaining.
Up, up and away to 160, 170, 180, 190 ... OMG. How can I weigh 190 pounds? I couldn't imagine being over 200 pounds. There was no way I was going to allow myself to reach the dreaded 200 pound mark. If I hit 200 pounds I would be FAT FAT.
I had to get serious, no more playing games. I obviously didn't know how to do it right and needed help. I paid lots of money for a lifetime membership at Jenny C., ate everything out of a cardboard box for months and months, got weighed in every week by a stranger and lost about 60 pounds. I didn't even get down to my goal weight before I started regaining again. I kept the weight off for about 5 whole minutes. Don't blink, you missed it.
Keeping up with the weight loss/regain pattern, I regained all the weight I lost plus a little more for good measure. I broke through the 200 pound mark and beyond. Even though I've always been active, I felt really FAT at over 200 pounds. How did I let this happen? How could I let myself get so FAT?
I couldn't take it anymore. About 6 years ago I jumped on the low carb (South Beach/modified Atkins) bandwagon hard core. I gave up all white carbs. I didn't have any sugar, flour, pasta, potatoes, bread, rice or starchy vegetables for over a YEAR. I don't know how I did it but I resisted all my favorite foods, got off the constant sugar drip and felt amazing as the weight melted off. I ate tons of salads, veggies, some fruits and lean protein and lost at least 60 pounds (AGAIN).
I thought I had it all figured out. I lost it on my own. I got off the sugar and felt amazing. I was never going to be fat again. WoooHoooo! Sixty pounds seems to be my limit before my body wants its fat back. Before I even got to my goal weight I started gaining it back AGAIN all the way up to where I am today - fat and miserable.
Even though I haven't been successful (yet) in all my years of dieting, I haven't given up. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I can't stand it anymore. I'm not done fighting the fat. I'm going to win this war. I spent the majority of my 20s and 30s being Fat. Fat, you may have taken the best years of my life but you are not going to take any more. Fat, you are going down. I'm going to kick your a$$.
Why couldn't I see I was fine (NOT FAT) the way I was before I started that first diet? How fat is FAT now? Where is my limit?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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Oh, BRILLIANT post! I think you have said it all so eloquently and funnily enough, I have also just blogged about being scared all of a sudden on this journey, but not really sure of what exactly. Reading this I now realise that it is reaching that point (like your 60lbs) and putting it all back on again.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have to go through these endless cycles in order to really learn. Hopefully, this time we have.
You can do it - and you will!
This is an amazing post... it really strikes to the heart of how we got to where we are, and how warped our body image becomes between societal expectations and our own realities.
ReplyDeleteHow fat is fat? I think we each need to come to some realization and understanding that our bodies are different, and that there's a difference between our own personal healthy weight and shape and the media images we're bombarded with.
Growing up in the age of Twiggy, I had an especially heinous time when I began to 'develop'. Now adays I also look back and say "I want that body"
Wow, this is so relatable! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! It is all about perception.
ReplyDeleteWhat a GREAT post!! I too have had my share of ups and downs just like everyone. Your post was so inspirational that I think I will head to the gym! Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you're saying, I was freaking out being fat since I grew boobs and the mom started dieting me. Looking back at old pictures, I was normal. Not skinny, but normal. I had no chance, my mom is an weight-obsessed naturally thin woman who associates food and weight with morality.
ReplyDeleteI no longer diet, though I'm still a bit overweight, but I think by end of summer, I'll be BMI normal.
BTW, my weight went up similar to yours. OMG, 150, I'm huge! 175-WTF! 180-I'm not getting on the scale. The largest weight I got that I know of was 215. I lost to 150, went back to 195, now back to 160.
ReplyDeleteFFM: I keep thinking the reason I haven't been successful losing AGAIN is I'm so afraid of regaining AGAIN. I hope I've learned something and can put it into practice soon.
ReplyDeleteFab Kate: I don't even want to get back to my lowest weight because I know I will never have that 15 year old body again but I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I wonder if that will ever happen. BTW: I've tried leaving comments for you but I've been having problems. Not sure if it is my network or what. Do you know if anyone else is having problems leaving you comments?
Valerie: It does seem we all have the same thoughts about this weight thing.
Lori: Good thing we're not famous where we have to be a stick or be called fat on every rag mag.
Post-it-Notes: I think you are the first person EVER to say I'm inspirational. Thank you. I'm going to work to make that true. Time to hit the gym. ;) Thanks for stopping by.
JustJulie: I'm glad most mothers today are more aware of what they say but girls have the media now to make them feel bad about their bodies. Congrats on your weight loss. I'd be so happy to be BMI normal.
I definitely used to do the same thing. Because I am tall and have wide hips, I thought I was fat even when I definitely wasnt. 120 pounds for someone who is 5'10 is definitely not fat. But I thought I was. I also had a lot of friends who were overweight or slightly overweight and I always had to hear how they thought they were fat, so I thought that I must be fat too and chimed in along with them when they talked about their weight. It is so sad that we couldnt just have appreciated us as we were instead of hoping to be more or maybe we both wouldnt have ended up becoming overweight.
ReplyDeletei am glad that you have never given up. It is a hard and long journey and it takes time. but as long as you never give up, you have achieved more than a lot of people do.
I love this post! It is so true you don't appreciate your body enough in all its stages it goes through-I'm 39 now and at 25 I weighed 130 at 5'9 and thought I was too heavy..am I friggin crazy?? would love to be that size now...oh well..I'll keep plugging away! Love your site and you are an amazing person!
ReplyDeleteReally, if we had know how NOT FAT we were when we were younger =) oh well.
ReplyDelete