Goodbye 2008

I'm glad to see you go (no, not "you" but the year 2008); I'm always glad to see "YOU" so please keep coming to visit. 2008 certainly wasn't the best of times and it wasn't the absolute worst of times but 2008 wasn't very good to me and I'm looking forward to better days in 2009.

The year started off with promise and optimism as each new year does with that fresh calendar and clean slate but in February when B broke his back it just seemed to go downhill from there. There weren't enough good days to balance out all the bad.

I had a huge fallout with my Mother during her visit in May and things still haven't been resolved. It's hard to forget things people say, especially people who are supposed to love you, but I'm trying to forgive even though I can't forget. I blocked out lots of my childhood and I can't do that now as an adult. Things will never be the same with my Mother but she is who she is and isn't going to change so I have to learn to deal with it and move on.

Since May we have only communicated through e-mail and some of hers were pretty nasty but we did talk on the phone briefly on Christmas day so at least that first phone call is out of the way. It is sad because she lives so far away and we're not getting any younger. It's hard to work on the relationship when we haven't been able to make any better memories since her last visit. Is the mother/daughter relationship ever easy?

B just recovered from his back injury and things were looking better when B was attacked by a nasty case of fungal meningitis that could have killed him. The 2-3 weeks the overworked seemingly uncaring medical "professionals" misdiagnosed him was hell but we were lucky they finally did the right thing before he had any permanent damage. Our entire summer was spent in and out of the hospital which is never a good place to be.

Who knows what would have happened if I didn't freak out and insist they give him the spinal tap. I did learn the lesson of the necessity to speak up and not take no for an answer when it comes to health care because the doctors don't know what is normal for you or your family. Sometimes you have to kick and scream (not literally) to get them to listen but you have to do it. It could be a matter of life and death. I still don't think he has recovered 100% but he's almost there.

If all that wasn't enough to deal with they laid off a few key people at my office after 10 years, reassigned me, moved my desk to a dark, messy, crowded corner which made me even more miserable every single day I have to walk through those doors. I've started looking for a new job but with this economy there really isn't anywhere for me to go right now so I have to suck it up, do my job and collect my paycheck without shedding tears or making myself crazy.

I didn't make an ounce of forward/downward progress in my weight loss efforts in 2008 which makes me just as frustrated now as I was at the beginning of the year. I had consistent losses and just as consistent regains. I got pretty good at maintaining an all-time highest weight which is not something I'm proud of.

I know I need to put more effort into getting healthy and getting this weight off. I'm thinking of a different strategy for the upcoming year. I'm working on a life plan to get me into shape and take care of myself and not worry so much about the scale, the numbers, the clothes sizes, etc. I get so focused on the scale and the numbers that I get discouraged and binge or lose a few pounds and then act like a spoiled kid and reward myself with some sinful sugary fat pill and set myself back to square one.

I'm looking forward to better days in 2009. Thank you for encouraging me and lifting my spirits when I was down. I hope to have more to cheer about in the coming year and look forward to sharing with you.

Happy New Year 2009!

Things done ...

I stole this list from Kelly who stole it from someone else, who probably stole it from someone else. Maybe I should add "stolen something" to the list. I've bolded everything I've done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (only in the shower)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept overnight on a train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden a gondola in Switzerland (only gondolas in the North East)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (only if a day cruise counts)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish country
36. Taught yourself a new language (working on it)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (does anybody?)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (no, but I've bought and eaten my fair share)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (lots - B+)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. One cavity or less (I wish)

So many things to add to the list ... so many more things need to be bolded. What have you done?

Holiday PC

Apparently I need to apologize for offending people by wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with it but I understand it isn't politically correct and some people aren't happy unless they have something to b*tch about and having someone have the audacity to wish them a Merry day gets them riled up for a fight and puts their panties in a knot. Can't we all just chill out, feel the love, and be Merry.

I grew up celebrating Christmas and Chanukah so I really should have thought to include all faith's holidays during this time of year. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, whatever holiday it is that you celebrate. I still just don't understand why people get offended if I say Merry Christmas - I'm just wishing you well, I'm not pushing any faith on you, I'm not insisting you buy baby Jesus a present or making you kneel on the alter. I think some people need to get over the sensitivity to people wishing them well.

Happy, Happy, Merry, Merry ... Christmas, Chanukah/Hanukkah, Chrismukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Ramadan, Festivus or Thursday.

Is it still ok to say HAPPY NEW YEAR?

Merry Merry !!

We saw the musical "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" last night at the Wang Theater and then watched the cartoon version when we got home. The musical was fun, the theater was gorgeous and it was something different to do but the cartoon version is the best.

'Twas the night before Christmas ... but it just doesn't feel like Christmas. There's lots of snow on the ground (although it is warm and drizzling now), the bells are ringing, the lights are shining and the lines at all the stores are crazy long and painfully slow but for some reason I'm not feeling it this year. I just don't have any of that Christmas spirit. Where did it go? Bah Humbug! Maybe Santa will bring my spirit back tonight. I was a good girl ... really I was. Santa, please bring me a big bag of holiday spirit.

I hope you are feeling the joy of the holiday. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Still Snowing ...

I've always loved the winter. You won't hear me complaining about the cold weather because you can always add layers but there is only so much you can take off when it is sticky hot and humid. I get so excited when I can get out and play in the mountains and would rather be there than the beach any day.

I have tons of winter gear that keeps me warm and dry which is the key to enjoying winter sports. It is worth the price to pay the extra money for the quality gear. It is worth every penny when you are out in the elements. I pray for piles of snow and I find myself counting the days until the snowmobile trails open in the middle of summer. The trails opened last Tuesday and I was getting excited looking forward to that first ride of the season on some fresh powder. I'm a winter girl and usually never complain about too much snow until this past weekend.

My office closed at 3:00 on Friday but because I now work for a complete *ssh*le I ended up having to work until after 5:00 (I was not happy). I finally got home in the height of the storm and had to shovel out my driveway all by myself. B worked late Friday night, Saturday morning and again this morning which meant that we couldn't go up north to play. I tried to get one of my friends to drive up with me but he had to stay home this weekend too. My in-laws were on vacation and the college kids that live downstairs went home for the holidays so I was the only one around to do snow removal. I spent hours Friday night shoveling, I spent hours Saturday morning and night shoveling, and I spent more time out there this morning shoveling. My back is sore and I'm very cranky I couldn't take my snowmobile out for a ride.

I realized that I don't love the snow as much as I thought I did. I really love it when I am out playing in it. When I'm skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing or snowmobiling I absolutely LOVE IT but when I'm stuck in the city for the weekend shoveling, not so much love.

At least shoveling is good exercise, right? Time to get back out there and shovel some more ... oh my aching back.

Congratulations Michelle Aguilar!!

I'm so happy! We have another female Biggest Loser!!! Against the odds, good (Michelle) triumphed over evil (Vickie/Heba). Michelle pulled out the win from the remaining b*tchy, smack talkin' evil blue team.

I have to admit this was my least favorite season with all the b*tches and back stabbing going on *Vickie*. I'm glad Heba didn't make it to the final three and ecstatic that Ed and Vickie lost to Michelle. Although I have to admit they ALL looked great (although Heba needs a better bra and Vickie needs to learn to walk in heels). Michelle was so much more deserving of the win because she had the right attitude and didn't hurt anyone along the way to get there. It was nice to see karma in action. Chalk one up for the good guys.

I sincerely hope that all the contestants keep the weight off. We watched them work so hard to lose it and I know firsthand how easy it can creep back on if you are not diligent. I was looking at a site that showed some of the contestants from previous seasons and it was extremely depressing to see quite a few of them have gained back the weight they lost. Check out "where are they now." Even winners of prior seasons gained back virtually all of the weight back. They may have won the big money prize but they lost the war by regaining it all back. I know what it's like to watch the weight pile back on and it breaks my heart to see it happen to the contestants we got to know and love.

Stay strong Michelle!! You deserve this new life. Congratulations!

I'm just like Oprah ...

It's true. Who knew? Except for the wealth and fame, I'm just like Oprah.

In case you haven't already noticed, Oprah has gained back the weight she lost (again). In a way, I sort of feel sorry for women in the public eye that have a problem with their weight. At least I don't have to see my fat *ss on the cover of a magazine with the horrible "look who's fat again" headlines.

Apparently there will be an article in next month's O Magazine where Oprah writes "I'm embarrassed, I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'" I've been thinking the exact same thing. How did I let this happen AGAIN?

It just goes to prove that it doesn't matter if you have tons of money, gourmet chefs cooking healthy foods and the best personal trainers money can buy, it is still a constant struggle. Like Oprah, I need to use the tools I know work and get healthy. I don't want to lose weight to look good (although that is definitely a bonus), I just want to feel good and be healthy and happy in my own skin.

Ho, Ho, Ho ....

Whoa, whoa, whoa ... is what I should be saying. The tempting treats are everywhere trying to push me off the weight loss track. I refuse to put on a single pound just because "it is the season." I'm not throwing my hands in the air and giving up until January 1st.

The parties, the cocktails, the food gifts will be handled with extreme restraint. It isn't like I can never have a cookie again. What is it about the holidays that make people want to push their baked goods on you. Isn't it enough that my credit bill is getting fatter? I don't need any extra padding on my thighs. It takes extreme effort to pass up all of the special holiday goodness but I'm determined to halt the gaining trend and don't need to wait another three weeks to see how much more damage can be done.

'Tis the season ...

Giving Thanks

I spend so much time here b*tching and moaning about my life, my weight, how much I hate my job, blah, blah, blah so I thought today would be the perfect day to turn it around (at least for the day) and give thanks.

I absolutely hate my job more than ever but I'm thankful I have a job and receive that all important paycheck every week that keeps a roof over my head and, obviously, more than enough food on my table.

This year was extremely tough with B's broken back and bout with meningitis, his Dad's broken back and ribs and other health related scares but everyone is recovering and our families are relatively healthy and happy.

There was that huge incident with my mother back in May and even though she never apologized and we haven't spoken on the phone, we have been in contact over e-mail. I realized that she is who she is and she is never going to change. I have to accept her the way she is and move on from there. I know it will be hard to handle her future visits because she will not be able to stay at my house with B but we'll figure something out. She is a stubborn Italian who knows how to hold a grudge and no matter how wrong she was she will never see it that way and will never apologize. I'm got over it like I got over all the things that happened in my childhood that she says never happened but she did give me life so I have to be thankful for that.

As much as I hate all the extra pounds I've been carrying around for too many years, I'm still pretty healthy. I can (and do) walk, run, hike, bike, ski, snowboard and stay active even if the scale doesn't move in the downward direction. My weight doesn't hold me back from moving around and living my life. I'd be more thankful if I didn't have to lug around all the fat while doing these activities but I haven't given up so I'm very thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for all the love and support out there in the blogsphere. There are some incredible people who have done amazing things and I'm glad to be a part of their lives even if they don't know I'm lurking around. Thank you all for being part of my life even if it is only through the screen.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for what you have.

Right Now

Right here, right now is all we really have. I spend so much time thinking of how I lost weight in the past. What worked, what didn't work, how long it took, how much weight did I lose, what did I eat or not eat, how hard or easy was it, what size did I get in, where did I find the motivation to stick with it, what was going on in my life that made it easier or harder to do?

I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.

It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.

When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.

I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?

It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?

I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.

Will I ever figure this out?

Amy, Amy, Amy ...

Amy, what have you done? I was so proud of you last week and then you go and do something really dumb. You gave Vicky new life when you had the power to send her home. What were you thinking? If it comes down to all blue in the end, you will be in fourth place. I'm so disappointed. Amy obviously doesn't realize that Vicky will vote her out the first chance she gets and Coleen would have been much less of a threat.

This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.

Holidays ...

I can't believe the holidays are almost hear and another year is passing by with barely any movement on the scale. Well, there has been movement - up a little one day, down a little the next - but basically it hasn't changed much over the past year.

I'm starting to wonder why I am not making the commitment necessary to lose it (again) and keep it off (finally). What am I waiting for? When will it click and stick?

Biggest Bitches

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser and I don't think I've ever really HATED any contestant. Oh sure, there were whiners, cry babies and people I didn't particularly like but there was never such hatred for a contestant as I have this season. Even the year that guy drank gallons of water to throw a weigh-in didn't get me that upset. As bad and sleazy as that move was, he wasn't mean, he was just playing the game. Vicky and Heba are just nasty MEAN GIRLS.

I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.

I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).

The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.

I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.

Thematic Photographic - Autumn

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is Autumn. This photo isn't the typical Autumn photo of leaves turning or pumpkin patches but I thought I would try for a little out of the ordinary. If you want pretty leaves you can check them out here, here and here.

You know the drill, stop on over at written inc. to get all the details and join the fun.

Unexpected Benefits

Things at work haven't gotten any better. I'm absolutely miserable in my new position and I dread going there every day. I feel like I'm being punished and forced into a corner to be tortured for 40 hours a week. The only good thing is that I've been so busy and stressed I haven't been eating much lately so I've dropped a few pounds.

I hope I don't have to make a trade-off of either being fat and happy or thin and miserable. I want it all and I'm determined to get out of this firm and away from the heartless b*stards.

I'm still waiting for the headhunter to set up some interviews and I've been sending resumes out but between the tanking economy and the approaching holidays I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to make a move. In the meantime, I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do, right?

Is it Friday yet?

Thematic Photographic - Night

My night vision isn't great but just like Carmi, I can't go out in the sunshine without squinting and shading my eyes or wearing dark sunglasses. My eyes are super sensitive and water when the wind blows or bright lights shine on them. I guess it isn't so strange that I can't control the flow of tears.

This week's thematic photographic theme is night. I took this photo at Downtown Crossing about this time last year.



Head over to written inc. and get the details to join in on the thematic photographic fun.

Thematic Photographic - Happy

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is "HAPPY." Unfortunately, I haven't been very happy these days but this picture always helps. Who can be unhappy looking at a sweet baby face.

I couldn't decide whether the baby face actually fit the theme so I decided to add this photo that was taken at a wedding in Disney last year. It is where the magic happens, right? Can anyone be unhappy at Disney?



Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.

Bad to Worse ...

Not only am I being forced to work for someone I don't like but they are insisting I move my desk to another part of the office. Right now I sit in a 2 person station with a right handed desk and they want to move me closer to the new guy in a four person station in a left handed desk. I absolutely don't want to move.

The good news is I made an appointment to see a headhunter Monday morning. He said he has some good positions available. I also talked to my boss about my issues with the "restructuring" and told him I was not happy about working for the other guy but would do it but if they forced me to move my desk I was going to be looking for another job as much as I love working for him. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the executive committee but wasn't sure if they would change their decision.

I'm glad it is Friday but I'm already dreading going back to work Monday. I'm afraid I'm going to go in and they will have already moved my stuff to the new area.

UGGHH!

One of THOSE days ....

I thought my day couldn't get any worse after I realized I lost my T-pass (train/ bus prepaid monthly pass) and MP3 player ... boy, was I wrong.

I left for work a few minutes late and as I was running for the bus I realized I didn't have my T-pass that I keep in a badge holder along with my MP3 player so I let the bus pass and ran back up (3 flights of stairs) to my apartment to look for it. I looked everywhere, dumped my bag on the kitchen table and searched every pocket I had on yesterday - no luck. So now I was out $59 for the pass and $?? for the music and player.

With that stellar start I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. The ax came down at work and the pink slips went flying around. I still have a job but will be working for different people (who I don't particularly like) instead of the two great guys I work for now. Two of my good friends and another woman who I don't know very well got "laid off" due to "restructuring." Both of my good friends have worked for the firm 10+ years and one of them is a single mother. It isn't bad enough that they laid them off but they gave them absolutely no notice and only 4 weeks severance.

I realize these are tough economic times but how can you do that to someone after 10 years ... tell them at 3:00 to pack their bags and be out by 5:00. We all got 10 year bonuses just months ago.

My head hurts. I am so irritated and frustrated because I am unable to control my emotions when having tough conversations with my boss (or anyone). I am extremely sensitive (always have been) to the point where my eyes start tearing up and my throat constricts to the point I can't even speak. There are times I want to scream and yell but can't seem to keep it together long enough to do that and just cry like a baby instead. WTF!! I'm over 40 years old and I still haven't learned how to control my emotions enough to have a difficult conversation. I'm continually rendered moot by my sensitivity and raw emotions. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the blubbering like an idiot? It is ridiculous.

I have a feeling we haven't seen the end to the cuts and changes. I almost wish they had laid me off instead because that would have given me the kick in the *ss to get the hell out of there and find another job. I think I will be actively looking now because I am not happy at all about my new position.

I did some research on-line and there isn't much out there for me. I'm on the edge just waiting for one of the heartless bastards to push me over. UGGHH!!!

Thematic Photographic - Blur

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is blur. Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.