Summer .... What Summer?

I can't believe the summer is over and I hardly got out to enjoy it. We did get up north this weekend but couldn't even go to all the Labor Day parties. B's recovery is slow and he gets tired easily. The doctor told us that B will not feel 100% for 3-6 months.

Even though I'm disappointed to have missed out on all the summer fun, I'm always happy to see the leaves change and know that the snow is not too far off. I'll be glad when 2008 is over. It hasn't been a very good year.

No Place Like Home

Dorothy was right, there is no place like home. B was so happy to finally get discharged from the hospital on Friday. He still needs to take major medications, some for the next six months, and will have to go back for tests but at least he'll be able to sleep in his own bed. Neither of us has gotten much sleep the past couple of nights and he is still getting sick, not eating much and has a headache but it isn't as severe as it was a month ago. I'm nervous being his only nurse so I'm keeping my fingers crossed he will just get better and better each day.

We're actually going to try to get out of the house today to go visit his sister and maybe even do a little swimming in her pool. We may not be able to stay long depending on how he feels but it will be good for us both to get out and get some fresh air. The weather is beautiful here and it will be nice to get out an enjoy it.

Get out and enjoy it while it lasts.

Priorities ....

It's amazing how quickly your priorities change when you get hit with a serious crisis. Right now I could care less about the bullsh*t at work, I haven't stepped on the scale in weeks, I haven't thought about meal plans and workouts and I'm not worrying about the laundry piling up. None of that crap is important right now. My thoughts are totally focused on B and I'm praying he starts feeling better soon. The doctors told him he will be in the hospital for at least another couple of weeks if not longer. He is taking a staggering amount of medication and having painful procedures almost every single day. I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. Loving him with all my heart doesn't seem to be cutting it.

Not on Mt. Washington

We missed today's annual ATV ride up Mt. Washington. B and I had been looking forward to this ride since I took this picture last year but sadly we were stuck on a roller coaster ride from hell and now have to wait 'til next year to get up on the mountain again with the ATVs.

B had been in and out of the hospital for the past three weeks where they kept pushing him out with medications and antibiotics and a diagnosis for sinus headaches, then migraines, then maybe they thought it was cluster headaches. B and I knew it couldn't be just a headache. Could a sinus infection (sinusitis) be that bad? He kept getting worse and worse and they kept sending him back home. The last time they discharged him we were arguing with the doctors because he couldn't eat or drink and wasn't able to keep his medication down so how was it supposed to work and make him better if it didn't stay in his system more than 20 minutes?

When I got home from work last Thursday B was out of it, slurring his words, talking nonsense, babbling incoherently, I thought he was having a stroke. I rushed him back to the ER where they started going through the same routine as the last 5 times when they FINALLY agreed to do a lumbar puncture ("spinal tap"). Every time he went to the hospital over the past three weeks they would ask if he ever had this procedure but then they would say they didn't think it was necessary.

Come to find out, it was absolutely critical to make the correct diagnosis of B's severe headaches, nausea, stiff neck, etc. After three F'N weeks of suffering they finally figured out that he has meningitis. Initially they didn't know what type he had so they go on the assumption it's contagious so everyone had to wear masks and gloves. They suggested that anyone having close contact be tested and put such a scare into us about all the things that could happen, the worst being coma and/or death. To say I was a mess is a pathetic understatement. I was hysterical.

I'm so exhausted from being at the hospital and watching B suffer for so long. Then, of course, I started getting getting paranoid about every little ache and pain thinking I must have caught it too by kissing, drinking from the same cups, and being in close contact with him. They wanted me to have blood work done so they could check if I needed to have a lumbar puncture too. UUUUGHHH!

After doing another spinal tap Friday morning, they decided to transfer him to another hospital. B is now at a top notch facility where they have a team of meningitis specialists on staff and I think he is now finally getting proper treatment. Thankfully he is being seen by numerous neurologists and infectious disease specialists who seem to know what they are doing. It's about time.

They determined he has viral meningitis and also, the rarest form, fungal meningitis. Unfortunately, he keeps having to have the lumbar punctures which are painful but necessary to drain the fluid build up to take the pressure off his brain and optic nerves. They assured us he wasn't contagious and there was no need for me to be tested. There are nurses, doctors and specialists in and out of his room all day and night and they are taking good care of him but he is still in pain and has ups and downs but he's a tough guy, he'll get through it and we'll be able to get to the top of the mountain someday soon although we'll have to wait a year to go up on the ATVs.

Meningitis is such a serious illness that can have devastating consequences. We are very lucky he is going to be ok especially since the doctors dicked us around for three weeks. It heart breaking to watch him suffer but I know he'll pull through and we'll be able to go back to our same old boring routines. That day cannot come quick enough for me.

This is one summer I'm going to want to forget. I hope you are enjoying yours. Be thankful for those lazy, hazy days of summer as long as everyone is healthy.

Amazing Weight Loss Method ...

I don't recommend it but I stumbled upon an amazing weight loss method. B has lost over 20 pounds in less than three weeks by not eating, taking a boatload of medicine and when he does actually get a bit of food down he ends up hurling. It is not pretty but it sure is effective for getting rid of excess pounds.

B was discharged from the hospital last Sunday even though he was not feeling any better. He hasn't been able to keep anything down and and they have no good explanation. After running CT scans, MRIs and blood tests they basically found no reason for the pain. The tests results are basically normal aside from a slight sinus infection and elevated blood pressure. They officially diagnosed him with severe sinusitis, then migraines and now they think it may be cluster headaches.

I feel horrible leaving him every day to go to work when he can barely get out of bed to take his medicine. He actually managed to have a few bites of pastina tonight and so far so good we haven't seen it come back. I'm praying he has turned the corner and the worst is behind him. I'm so exhausted from being up every night and working all day. I hope you never experience this kind of pain or have to watch someone you love go through it. It is brutal.

I'm really bummed about this coming weekend too. We had non-refundable tickets for the annual Mt. Washington ATV ride this Sunday but it doesn't look like we're going to make it. I guess there's always next year.

RIP Dr. Randy Pausch

Thank you Dr. Pausch. May you rest in peace.

If you haven't seen this lecture it is worth spending the time to check it out, view a condensed version on You Tube or buy the book. You will laugh, you will cry and, hopefully, you will be inspired.

What would you do if you only had a year to live? Why aren't you doing it now?

Carpi Diem!

Music and Lyrics

I've never done one of these memes before but I love music and this one sounds more fun than the 'what's your 10 favorite things' or 'list the contents of your purse' memes so I thought I'd join in the fun.

I got it from Hilly who got it over at Student Teacher’s place. Here are the rules:

1. Put your MP3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
4. No cheating (or as Hilly said "Don’t fucking cheat, you Google whores!")

(1)
All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we know
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right when we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night

(2)
I bought my baby a Cadillac
She said that's just a common gift
When she past me on the street
She refused to give me a lift

(3)
Don't have to go out lookin' for trouble
Trouble will find you it's a matter of time
That's when you're gonna need someone behind you
A true friend isn't easy to find

(4)
Up with the sun, gone with the wind
She always said I was lazy
Leaving my home, leaving my friends
Runnin' when things get too crazy

(5)
I'm gonna love you
Like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
high as a mountain and deep as a river

(6)
How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

(7)
A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark

(8)
At last
my love has come along
my lonely days are over
and life is like a song

(9)
Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a King

(10)
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
The sky is cryin. Can't you see the tears roll down the street
I've been looking for my baby
And I wonder where can she be

(11)
Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way

(12)
I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves

(13)
Rollin' down highway 95
Sailin' through her hometown countryside
Move on over, stand astride
My cruise control's in overdrive

(14)
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me
Kind woman, I give you my all
Kind woman, nothing more

(15)
I've been down hearted baby, ever since the day we met
I've been down hearted baby, every since the day we met
Our love is nothing but the blues
Baby, how blue can you get?

(16)
Everybody's high on consolation
Everybody's trying to tell me what is right for me,
yeah My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon
But it's plan to see that they can't comfort me

(17)
You left me here on your way to paradise
You pulled the rug right out from under my life
I know where you goin' to
I knew when you came home last night

(18)
My baby's always dancin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie
We spent the night in Frisco at every kinda disco
From that night I kissed our love goodbye

(19)
I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain
I'm going home

(20)
Legal problems gettin' thick and hazy
Look at the people gettin' rich and crazy
Locked up in mansions on the top of a hill
Someone needs to tell them 'bout Overkill

Wow...that took longer than I thought it would; I almost gave up when I got to ten. I think there are some pretty good songs in this random selection, and yes I do realize I need to get some new music downloaded, stat. I've been listening to the same stuff for ages, time to mix it up a little. Some of these are way too easy to figure out. So, can you name that tune?

I'm exhausted and my bed is calling me "come to me, please come to me, you are very tired, get off the damn computer and get in me." I've been so lonely in the big bed, finding it hard to sleep without my other half who is still in the hospital. I'm going to give it a shot even if I end up tossing and turning especially now that I have all these songs stuck in my head.

Time for a lullaby.

Admitted Again ....

B went back to the hospital Tuesday morning and was admitted AGAIN. They did another CT scan and found that the infection had gotten worse because they released him too early the last time and he was unable to keep the antibiotics down at home.

I've been doing nothing more than working and going to the hospital every day. My house is a disaster because I've barely had time to do a load of laundry. By the time I get home I'm falling into bed only to toss and turn.

B seemed to be getting better yesterday and they were talking about discharging him today but his headache came back with a vengeance last night and he was miserable when I saw him tonight. He barely said two words to me the whole time I was there because his head was pounding so bad. They had taken out his IV because they wanted to make sure he would be able to take his medication orally but now he is nauseous and seems to be getting worse not better. I'm so frustrated and don't understand why he isn't getting better. I've never heard of someone having a sinus infection this bad or for this long.

If things weren't bad enough, B's Dad fell yesterday and broke 6 ribs and may have broken a couple of bones in his back so he is in the hospital now too. He is in a different hospital so I haven't seen him yet to get the full story of what happened.

When things like this happen it forces you to put things in perspective. I haven't even thought about my weight in the past two weeks. It just isn't important considering everything else going on and wouldn't you know I lost a couple of pounds.

Money Can't Buy Happiness ....

I'm not sure if that saying is true but I'm quite sure even if money can't buy happiness it can buy quality health care. I've spent a night in one of the best hospitals in the country and witnessed B receive the absolute worst care there. By law they cannot refuse anyone but they just do what they have to do and push you out the door if you don't have adequate insurance.

Every resident of Massachusetts is now required to have health insurance or they penalize you by reducing your tax refund or not being eligible for the stimulus package this year. Since B is unemployed he signed up to receive health insurance through a network health system but he doesn't pay anything so the doctors and hospitals don't get enough money for his care so they basically just push him away.

B hasn't been able to eat or sleep and can't keep any of the medications down because every time he takes it he just brings it right back up. I don't understand how he can be on antibiotics for over a week and not feel the slightest bit better.

We spent Saturday night in the ER at one hospital and Sunday night at another and he still isn't feeling any better. They refuse to admit him again because of his crappy insurance. It is breaking my heart to see him in so much pain. It is such a disgrace that our country can turn people away from quality health care because they are struggling financially and weren't lucky enough to be born with a trust fund.

I've had about 5 hours of sleep all weekend and now have to get ready to go to work and leave my patient to fend for himself all day. I'm so exhausted. I'm hoping to be able to work through my lunch so I can leave early to get back home. I'm going to go check my lottery ticket, maybe if I hit big I could buy some good health care.

Let the Sun Shine In ....

I can't shake the feeling there has been an ominous black cloud hanging over my head, hunting me down through the brightest rays of sunshine like a dedicated and determined stalker. So many of my vacations over the years have been ruined by sickness, death or some sort of traumatizing experience. The percentage of ruined vacations is staggering. My boss keeps telling me I should just take a few days here and there and not plan a whole week off because something always happens. I think he may have ulterior motives in saying that but he may have a point.

My latest vacation didn't start out bad even though I did turn another year older which gets harder and harder every year. I certainly don't feel 41 although my mind's age and my body's age are vastly different. Each birthday I think of Jimmy Buffett's song Growing Older But Not Up ...

....

I'm growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead
....
Now don't get me wrong
This is not a sad song
Just events that I have happened to witness
And time takes its toll as we head for the poll
And no one dies from physical fitness
So what the hell, we'll take it right to the end
As the days grow more complicated the nightlife still wins
....

B and I spent the week after the 4th at the camp without any fireworks except a few bottle rockets but we had bright stars, clear weather and a private party out at the bonfire every night. We had a relaxing week even though we had to come back to the city for various appointments. We made it back to VT and had another bonfire blazing by the time our friends arrived on Friday night. B is usually the life of the party telling stories and being the entertainer but he had such a vicious headache early in the day and it just got worse and worse. By Saturday, he was miserable with sinus pressure and a pounding headache.

B was really hurting when we left for the hot air balloon festival in Stowe which was about an 1 1/2 hour drive. He knows how much I love going every year to take pictures so he forced himself to come with us but it was a bad decision. We brought chairs and B didn't move from them for the few hours we were at the festival. Another group of friends were camping in Stowe so we met up with them but B could barely keep his head up. His pain only got worse and he finally went to the emergency room when we got back home on Monday.

After being on vacation for a week and having a doctor's appointment Monday morning I ended up at the hospital with B when I was supposed to be returning to the office. The ER gave him some fluids for dehydration and sent him home with antibiotics for sinusitis and a bunch of pain killers.

Things only got worse and he ended up back at the hospital late Monday night when they admitted him. He couldn't eat or even keep down the pain medication with a sip of water. He spent the week in the hospital being pumped with fluids, morphine and other heavy duty pain killers, a steroid nasal spray and who knows what else. They discharged him Thursday night with a handful of drugs and said the infection will just have to run its course.

My kitchen counter looks like a pharmacy and I'm exhausted from worrying, spending every night at the hospital and then not being able to sleep without him when I got home. Now I'm even more exhausted from playing nurse all night.

I'm praying he turns the corner soon. Aside from when he broke his back I don't think I've ever seen him in this much pain. I feel helpless because there is really nothing I can do to make him feel better except serve him and keep him medicated.

I wish this weather pattern would change because I'm sick of looking up and seeing that big black cloud shadowing me.

I hope everyone is having a better time enjoying good health, the warm weather, cookouts, picnics, pool parties, concerts and the usual summertime festivities. I like to plan my next vacation when I get back from vacation so I have something to look forward to but maybe I should consider scheduling a few long weekends and see if I can make it through them without the storm clouds.

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Eat Pray Love

As you can see from my Shelfari bookshelf, I'm an avid reader of everything from the classics, to fiction, to non-fiction, to trashy fluff so if you have any book recommendations let me know; I'm always looking for a good one to devour. Some days sticking my nose in a book and plugging into my MP3 player are the only things that get me through the daily commute into the city on the T (MBTA/Orange Line) .


I recently read the hyped autobiography Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I usually don't like reading what everyone else is raving about because I'm often disappointed when it doesn't live up to the glowing reviews but I actually liked this one. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised by honest account of this woman's determination to find herself and the life she knew she was meant to have. At times I thought she was a bit whiny but I think I was just jealous because I couldn't afford to take a year off from my life and find myself. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?


There was a great passage about Karma that really hit home with me. Gilbert writes:

"The karmic philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even
in one lifetime it's obvious how often we must repeat our sames mistakes,
banging our heads against the same old addictions and compulsions, generating
the same old miserable and often catastrophic consequences, until we can finally
stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also of Western
psychology, by the way) - take care of the problems now, or else you'll just
have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. And that
repetition of suffering - that's hell."

I've been living that hell by repeatedly making the same mistakes. I continue to struggle but I'm determined to fix it - I don't want to be fat in my next life too :)

Happy 4th!

Wishing you all a happy and safe 4th of July weekend! I'm heading up north to hike, bike and hang out with friends. Enjoy all the fireworks, parties and BBQs!

Time Keeps Ticking ....

I thought that turning 40 (and 30 and 20) would have given me the kick in the ass I needed to get serious about getting this weight off permanently but I'm staring down the barrel of 41 and I am no closer to reaching my goal than I was almost a year ago.

I know the older I get the harder it is to lose weight (as if it is ever easy) and yet I'm still stutter stepping around and around. I'm not getting any younger and each time I lose a substantial amount of weight only to gain it back it really screws up my metabolism making it harder and harder.

I've gotten so much support from people who have been in these fat shoes and succeeded and those who are going through the process (thank you). I've read hundreds (thousands?) of blogs proving it is possible but despite my desire to join this group I am still fat. I am at a loss as to why I haven't put in the effort needed to do the things I need to do to reach this goal if it is so important to me. I'm constantly thinking about it but I'm not aggressively, faithfully and wholeheartedly focusing on getting it done.

What the hell am I waiting for? How long can I keep this goal from alluding me? What am I waiting for? When the hell will I figure this out? NOW sounds good.

Thanks for Keeping it Real ...

May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

Now you know what happens when we die.

RIP George Carlin

Size Ate

I love this! I'd be happy with a 10-12 :)

Success

The most important ingredient for success is failure. Every time you fail, you eliminate one way that won’t work therefore being that much closer to the one way that will.
- Thomas Edison

The truth of the matter is you only get closer to success if you actually learn from your mistakes. You can't keep doing the same things and expect to get different results.

I must be getting close now!

Sweet 17 Garden Party

This garden party was nothing like Manuela's garden party last week (her party was beautiful and you should check it out if you didn't get to stop by already). I'm talking about the party held for the World Champions ... THE BOSTON CELTICS!!! It has been so long since we've been able to celebrate in "The Garden." We've actually never celebrated a championship game win in the new Garden until last night.

Back in the day, I had obstructed view season tickets and had to bend down to see the tip of the opposing side basket. We didn't care though because it was just fun to be at the game. Most nights we were able to sneak down into the lodges and sit in the good seats until someone came to kick us out of them and then we just kept bouncing around. I remember sitting on the parquet floor with the photographers at a championship game against the Lakers in 1986. I was only pretending to take pictures because I had run out of film (digital hadn't been invented yet). Those were the days. Unfortunately, I couldn't give my tickets away during the lean years so I had to give up my season tickets but was just as happy watching the games on my big screen tv.

It makes me feel old to think that some of you aren't old enough to remember when a bunch of clumsy looking white guys ruled the court. What an amazing season - Sweet 17! I've been up late every other night watching the comeback kids finally beat our west coast rivals.

Everyone in the city was wearing green today and I get to go to a parade tomorrow during lunch. I love parades!

If you like sports, there really is no better place to live than Boston.

Congratulations to the BOSTON CELTICS!!

No Longer Incognito

So many bloggers out there are an open book for all the world to see, they don't hold anything back. We make blog friends and feel we know them intimately but I wonder if we would be friends in real life just because we enjoy reading their life story. I feel like I know some of my blog friends even better than my real world friends because they share all these details that you don't normally talk about face to face even with your closest friends and family.

We know where they live, what they eat, how often they work out, what their cycle is, how often they get it or don't get it, who their friends are, who they're mad at, and all the little details of their lives. We get to see photos of them and all the people in their lives because they choose to share that information with all of us out in the world wide web. They spill their guts, talk openly about their relationships, kids, work, up and downs and everything in between and I admire them for it and love reading the story of their lives. They strip down for us and show their true selves or the selves they want us to see. Maybe it is a form of voyeurism in some way and we get a thrill looking into their world.

I started this blog with the intention of keeping it anonymous. I mistakenly thought with all the blogs out there it would be nearly impossible for someone I know in real life to find it but I've been outed and forced out of the blog closet. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I liked the idea of being able to talk about my feelings and work through my issues with my weight without being embarrassed or censored because of who might be reading.

If you blog anonymously, would you change what you write because you know certain people are reading? If you are an open book, do you censer what you say in any way because you don't want to offend anyone or be embarrassed about your thoughts?

It is very bright out here in the open but I don't think it is possible to get back in that closet and lock the door.

192 Pound Loss in 7 Seconds*

WOW! Check out the video of Jennette Fulda's amazing 192 pound loss in record time. It took me a while to figure out how to embed a video but I really wanted to enter the contest on her site so it was worth the effort.

If you are not already fan or have been living under a rock without internet access that last few years, please go and check out her site and help the economy by buying her book, Half-Assed - A Weight Loss Memoir. What else are you planning to do with that stimulus check anyway?

Jennette Fulda a/k/a Pasta Queen is my hero.

* actual weight loss took much longer than 7 seconds.

Red Dye No. 952 and Other Chemicals

Why is it that everything that tastes good is so bad for us. I wonder why they even allow these chemicals into our food supply if they are known to cause health problems. There was a recent article on MSN about 12 food additives that we should avoid. The big problem is that these additives are in almost everything we eat. Another good reason to stick to the cave man diet. If it has been grown or has walked, it is ok to eat but only if it hasn't been messed around by the food industry and filled with cancer causing crap that make it "taste better" and "last longer." The food will still be good but we'll be dying before its shelf life expires.

If you don't feel like reading the whole article, here is the short list of the things we should avoid:
1. Sodium Nitrate, Sodium Nitrite (shown to promote cancer);
2. BHA and BHT (a/k/a butylated hydroxyanisole and butylated hydrozyttoluene);
3. Propyl Gallate (often used in conjunction with BHA and BHT);
4. Monosodium Glutamate (a/k/a MSG);
5. Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil;
6. Aspartame;
7. Acesulfame-K;
8. Food Colorings: Blue 1, 2; Red 3; Green 3; Yellow 6;
9. Olestra;
10. Potassium Bromate;
11. White Sugar; and
12. Sodium Chloride.

Check your labels and try to avoid these chemicals as much as possible by shopping the parameter of the supermarket. Once you go down the aisles you are in very dangerous territory.

Time to hit the farmers market (no additives there) and enjoy the fresh food of the season. Yum.