Still Snowing ...

I've always loved the winter. You won't hear me complaining about the cold weather because you can always add layers but there is only so much you can take off when it is sticky hot and humid. I get so excited when I can get out and play in the mountains and would rather be there than the beach any day.

I have tons of winter gear that keeps me warm and dry which is the key to enjoying winter sports. It is worth the price to pay the extra money for the quality gear. It is worth every penny when you are out in the elements. I pray for piles of snow and I find myself counting the days until the snowmobile trails open in the middle of summer. The trails opened last Tuesday and I was getting excited looking forward to that first ride of the season on some fresh powder. I'm a winter girl and usually never complain about too much snow until this past weekend.

My office closed at 3:00 on Friday but because I now work for a complete *ssh*le I ended up having to work until after 5:00 (I was not happy). I finally got home in the height of the storm and had to shovel out my driveway all by myself. B worked late Friday night, Saturday morning and again this morning which meant that we couldn't go up north to play. I tried to get one of my friends to drive up with me but he had to stay home this weekend too. My in-laws were on vacation and the college kids that live downstairs went home for the holidays so I was the only one around to do snow removal. I spent hours Friday night shoveling, I spent hours Saturday morning and night shoveling, and I spent more time out there this morning shoveling. My back is sore and I'm very cranky I couldn't take my snowmobile out for a ride.

I realized that I don't love the snow as much as I thought I did. I really love it when I am out playing in it. When I'm skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing or snowmobiling I absolutely LOVE IT but when I'm stuck in the city for the weekend shoveling, not so much love.

At least shoveling is good exercise, right? Time to get back out there and shovel some more ... oh my aching back.

Congratulations Michelle Aguilar!!

I'm so happy! We have another female Biggest Loser!!! Against the odds, good (Michelle) triumphed over evil (Vickie/Heba). Michelle pulled out the win from the remaining b*tchy, smack talkin' evil blue team.

I have to admit this was my least favorite season with all the b*tches and back stabbing going on *Vickie*. I'm glad Heba didn't make it to the final three and ecstatic that Ed and Vickie lost to Michelle. Although I have to admit they ALL looked great (although Heba needs a better bra and Vickie needs to learn to walk in heels). Michelle was so much more deserving of the win because she had the right attitude and didn't hurt anyone along the way to get there. It was nice to see karma in action. Chalk one up for the good guys.

I sincerely hope that all the contestants keep the weight off. We watched them work so hard to lose it and I know firsthand how easy it can creep back on if you are not diligent. I was looking at a site that showed some of the contestants from previous seasons and it was extremely depressing to see quite a few of them have gained back the weight they lost. Check out "where are they now." Even winners of prior seasons gained back virtually all of the weight back. They may have won the big money prize but they lost the war by regaining it all back. I know what it's like to watch the weight pile back on and it breaks my heart to see it happen to the contestants we got to know and love.

Stay strong Michelle!! You deserve this new life. Congratulations!

I'm just like Oprah ...

It's true. Who knew? Except for the wealth and fame, I'm just like Oprah.

In case you haven't already noticed, Oprah has gained back the weight she lost (again). In a way, I sort of feel sorry for women in the public eye that have a problem with their weight. At least I don't have to see my fat *ss on the cover of a magazine with the horrible "look who's fat again" headlines.

Apparently there will be an article in next month's O Magazine where Oprah writes "I'm embarrassed, I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'" I've been thinking the exact same thing. How did I let this happen AGAIN?

It just goes to prove that it doesn't matter if you have tons of money, gourmet chefs cooking healthy foods and the best personal trainers money can buy, it is still a constant struggle. Like Oprah, I need to use the tools I know work and get healthy. I don't want to lose weight to look good (although that is definitely a bonus), I just want to feel good and be healthy and happy in my own skin.

Ho, Ho, Ho ....

Whoa, whoa, whoa ... is what I should be saying. The tempting treats are everywhere trying to push me off the weight loss track. I refuse to put on a single pound just because "it is the season." I'm not throwing my hands in the air and giving up until January 1st.

The parties, the cocktails, the food gifts will be handled with extreme restraint. It isn't like I can never have a cookie again. What is it about the holidays that make people want to push their baked goods on you. Isn't it enough that my credit bill is getting fatter? I don't need any extra padding on my thighs. It takes extreme effort to pass up all of the special holiday goodness but I'm determined to halt the gaining trend and don't need to wait another three weeks to see how much more damage can be done.

'Tis the season ...

Giving Thanks

I spend so much time here b*tching and moaning about my life, my weight, how much I hate my job, blah, blah, blah so I thought today would be the perfect day to turn it around (at least for the day) and give thanks.

I absolutely hate my job more than ever but I'm thankful I have a job and receive that all important paycheck every week that keeps a roof over my head and, obviously, more than enough food on my table.

This year was extremely tough with B's broken back and bout with meningitis, his Dad's broken back and ribs and other health related scares but everyone is recovering and our families are relatively healthy and happy.

There was that huge incident with my mother back in May and even though she never apologized and we haven't spoken on the phone, we have been in contact over e-mail. I realized that she is who she is and she is never going to change. I have to accept her the way she is and move on from there. I know it will be hard to handle her future visits because she will not be able to stay at my house with B but we'll figure something out. She is a stubborn Italian who knows how to hold a grudge and no matter how wrong she was she will never see it that way and will never apologize. I'm got over it like I got over all the things that happened in my childhood that she says never happened but she did give me life so I have to be thankful for that.

As much as I hate all the extra pounds I've been carrying around for too many years, I'm still pretty healthy. I can (and do) walk, run, hike, bike, ski, snowboard and stay active even if the scale doesn't move in the downward direction. My weight doesn't hold me back from moving around and living my life. I'd be more thankful if I didn't have to lug around all the fat while doing these activities but I haven't given up so I'm very thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for all the love and support out there in the blogsphere. There are some incredible people who have done amazing things and I'm glad to be a part of their lives even if they don't know I'm lurking around. Thank you all for being part of my life even if it is only through the screen.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Remember to be thankful for what you have.

Right Now

Right here, right now is all we really have. I spend so much time thinking of how I lost weight in the past. What worked, what didn't work, how long it took, how much weight did I lose, what did I eat or not eat, how hard or easy was it, what size did I get in, where did I find the motivation to stick with it, what was going on in my life that made it easier or harder to do?

I also waste way too much time thinking about the future. How long it will take to lose "x" number of pounds, what events and obstacles will be in the way, what season will it be when I finally reach a goal, what foods will I have to eat more of or what foods do I need to avoid? It is all b*llsh*t.

It doesn't matter what worked in the past because it was never a permanent fix. The past is the past. I might have lost weight but I never figured out how to keep it off. I might have ate the right foods and did the right exercises but it never lasted long term. I never learned what I needed to learn. I got results but I didn't learn my lessons. Yes, I lost weight but I never really got healthy.

When I lost 60+ pounds on a low carb South Beach type diet I remember thinking I had it all figured out. I would see heavy women and want to tell them the "secret." It is the carbs that are killing us and keeping us fat. It is all the sugar and flour. Just stop eating it and you will lose the weight. It is so easy. Oh, I thought I knew the secret and I was sure I would never, ever be fat again. Obviously, I didn't learn any lasting lessons and didn't find the big weight loss secret.

I keep thinking how happy I'd be to get back in to my size 9s. I would be ecstatic to fit in single digits again. The crazy thing is I'm pretty sure I was in size 9s when I started dieting all those years ago because I thought I was fat then. Would I still be in those size 9s if I never tried to get thinner?

It doesn't matter what worked in the past or where I'll be or what is going on in the future because who the hell really knows what tomorrow will bring. I need to learn how to focus on right now. What am I doing right now to get healthier? Am I eating the right foods or am I binging on junk? Am I working out or being lazy? Am I happy or am I making myself miserable?

I'm going to focus on the present, each and every little decision. I'm hoping I will have learned from the past and be healthier in the future by focusing on what I do RIGHT NOW.

Will I ever figure this out?

Amy, Amy, Amy ...

Amy, what have you done? I was so proud of you last week and then you go and do something really dumb. You gave Vicky new life when you had the power to send her home. What were you thinking? If it comes down to all blue in the end, you will be in fourth place. I'm so disappointed. Amy obviously doesn't realize that Vicky will vote her out the first chance she gets and Coleen would have been much less of a threat.

This has probably been my least favorite season of the Biggest Loser because of all the nastiness caused by Vicky and Heba. I hope Amy's decision tonight doesn't come back and bite her.

Holidays ...

I can't believe the holidays are almost hear and another year is passing by with barely any movement on the scale. Well, there has been movement - up a little one day, down a little the next - but basically it hasn't changed much over the past year.

I'm starting to wonder why I am not making the commitment necessary to lose it (again) and keep it off (finally). What am I waiting for? When will it click and stick?

Biggest Bitches

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser and I don't think I've ever really HATED any contestant. Oh sure, there were whiners, cry babies and people I didn't particularly like but there was never such hatred for a contestant as I have this season. Even the year that guy drank gallons of water to throw a weigh-in didn't get me that upset. As bad and sleazy as that move was, he wasn't mean, he was just playing the game. Vicky and Heba are just nasty MEAN GIRLS.

I was yelling and screaming at the TV last night because Vicky and her little group of followers (Heba, Brady and Ed) were making my blood boil. I was cheering Stacy on to win the step challenge so Heba, Vicky and Brady wouldn't get any more power by Ed getting back in the game. I wish they had just allowed the person with the most weight to come back because Phillip would have been able to come back even though it would have caused so much more tension in the house with the bitches.

I was so happy that Amy realized she wouldn't get closer than 5th place if she stayed loyal to her blue team so she voted to send Brady home (GO AMY!). I'm sure it was hard for her to vote against her team and I'm worried about what the repercussions of that vote will be for her. The previews show that nasty Vicky is out for revenge. I'd love to see everyone from the blue team get voted off (except Amy, of course).

The only bad thing about wanting the blue team to lose (except Amy) is that I absolutely LOVE Bob and hate to see his team lose but even he knows how diabolical those bitches are (especially Vicky) and they don't deserve to win. Unfortunately, no mater how much weight they lose they will still be mean bitches and that is never healthy.

I just hope someone deserving will win the big prize (like Ali from last season). I'm routing for Amy, Coleen, Michelle or Renee to win.

Thematic Photographic - Autumn

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is Autumn. This photo isn't the typical Autumn photo of leaves turning or pumpkin patches but I thought I would try for a little out of the ordinary. If you want pretty leaves you can check them out here, here and here.

You know the drill, stop on over at written inc. to get all the details and join the fun.

Unexpected Benefits

Things at work haven't gotten any better. I'm absolutely miserable in my new position and I dread going there every day. I feel like I'm being punished and forced into a corner to be tortured for 40 hours a week. The only good thing is that I've been so busy and stressed I haven't been eating much lately so I've dropped a few pounds.

I hope I don't have to make a trade-off of either being fat and happy or thin and miserable. I want it all and I'm determined to get out of this firm and away from the heartless b*stards.

I'm still waiting for the headhunter to set up some interviews and I've been sending resumes out but between the tanking economy and the approaching holidays I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to make a move. In the meantime, I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do, right?

Is it Friday yet?

Thematic Photographic - Night

My night vision isn't great but just like Carmi, I can't go out in the sunshine without squinting and shading my eyes or wearing dark sunglasses. My eyes are super sensitive and water when the wind blows or bright lights shine on them. I guess it isn't so strange that I can't control the flow of tears.

This week's thematic photographic theme is night. I took this photo at Downtown Crossing about this time last year.



Head over to written inc. and get the details to join in on the thematic photographic fun.

Thematic Photographic - Happy

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is "HAPPY." Unfortunately, I haven't been very happy these days but this picture always helps. Who can be unhappy looking at a sweet baby face.

I couldn't decide whether the baby face actually fit the theme so I decided to add this photo that was taken at a wedding in Disney last year. It is where the magic happens, right? Can anyone be unhappy at Disney?



Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.

Bad to Worse ...

Not only am I being forced to work for someone I don't like but they are insisting I move my desk to another part of the office. Right now I sit in a 2 person station with a right handed desk and they want to move me closer to the new guy in a four person station in a left handed desk. I absolutely don't want to move.

The good news is I made an appointment to see a headhunter Monday morning. He said he has some good positions available. I also talked to my boss about my issues with the "restructuring" and told him I was not happy about working for the other guy but would do it but if they forced me to move my desk I was going to be looking for another job as much as I love working for him. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the executive committee but wasn't sure if they would change their decision.

I'm glad it is Friday but I'm already dreading going back to work Monday. I'm afraid I'm going to go in and they will have already moved my stuff to the new area.

UGGHH!

One of THOSE days ....

I thought my day couldn't get any worse after I realized I lost my T-pass (train/ bus prepaid monthly pass) and MP3 player ... boy, was I wrong.

I left for work a few minutes late and as I was running for the bus I realized I didn't have my T-pass that I keep in a badge holder along with my MP3 player so I let the bus pass and ran back up (3 flights of stairs) to my apartment to look for it. I looked everywhere, dumped my bag on the kitchen table and searched every pocket I had on yesterday - no luck. So now I was out $59 for the pass and $?? for the music and player.

With that stellar start I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. The ax came down at work and the pink slips went flying around. I still have a job but will be working for different people (who I don't particularly like) instead of the two great guys I work for now. Two of my good friends and another woman who I don't know very well got "laid off" due to "restructuring." Both of my good friends have worked for the firm 10+ years and one of them is a single mother. It isn't bad enough that they laid them off but they gave them absolutely no notice and only 4 weeks severance.

I realize these are tough economic times but how can you do that to someone after 10 years ... tell them at 3:00 to pack their bags and be out by 5:00. We all got 10 year bonuses just months ago.

My head hurts. I am so irritated and frustrated because I am unable to control my emotions when having tough conversations with my boss (or anyone). I am extremely sensitive (always have been) to the point where my eyes start tearing up and my throat constricts to the point I can't even speak. There are times I want to scream and yell but can't seem to keep it together long enough to do that and just cry like a baby instead. WTF!! I'm over 40 years old and I still haven't learned how to control my emotions enough to have a difficult conversation. I'm continually rendered moot by my sensitivity and raw emotions. I hate that. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the blubbering like an idiot? It is ridiculous.

I have a feeling we haven't seen the end to the cuts and changes. I almost wish they had laid me off instead because that would have given me the kick in the *ss to get the hell out of there and find another job. I think I will be actively looking now because I am not happy at all about my new position.

I did some research on-line and there isn't much out there for me. I'm on the edge just waiting for one of the heartless bastards to push me over. UGGHH!!!

Thematic Photographic - Blur

This week's Thematic Photographic theme is blur. Head over to written inc. to get the details and join in the fun.

Fat Talk Free Week ...

Head on over to Size Ate and read all about it.

It sounds like a great idea to me. I'm sick of listening to myself. I'm going to spend the week thinking and talking about HEALTH not F*T. *crickets*

Thematic Photographic - Grounded

As a photographer, I'm always interested in viewing photographs and seeing other points of view. For months I've wanted to participate in the weekly Thematic Photographic fun which I first found at Erin's site. Unfortunately, I'm such a procrastinator that by the time I find the right picture the next week's theme is up and I missed the boat. I was determined to get involved even if my entries are late but luckily I had two days off this week so I was able to get out and get some new stuff. Thematic Photographic originates with the talented Carmi at written inc.

Here's the deal:

Every Wednesday evening, Carmi posts a new Thematic Photographic entry. Each entry has a unique theme. This week's is...grounded. You post a similarly themed image over on your blog and you paste a link to your entry in a comment at written inc. If you've already posted something that fits (on a blog, Facebook, MySpace, wherever) simply post the link to the existing entry.

You may post as many photos or links as you wish. For the week, Carmi will be supporting the theme with a related picture/posting each day and we are all encouraged to do the same. This is all about sharing, so feel free to share to your heart's content!

Please share this link with friends, too, and encourage them to join in. The more, the merrier.

Declare Youself

Please, please, please ... take advantage of your right. Do your civic duty on November 4th and get out and vote. The deadline to register here in Mass. is October 15th so you Massholes still have time to get registered. It is already too late to register in some other states but I suggest you get registered anyway because we'll have another important decision to make in four years and sooner than that in your local states and towns. Do it now!

Head Games

I am so frustrated! I just don't understand how I can be so consumed with thinking about my weight and desperately wanting to lose it but don't put in the effort to get it done. Deep in my heart I know I want to get fit and healthy but I continue to hit the snooze button and sleep in or sit on my *ss in front of the tv when I get home at night making every damn excuse in the book about why I'm too *whatever the excuse of the day is* to workout.

I've done the all or nothing diets before and thought I would try the "nothing is off limits" diet so I don't go "on" and "off" but it isn't getting me anywhere. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds every week and need to find a way to kick my own *ss and get motivated.

The only times I have been successful with major weight loss is when I've gone to extremes. Not extremes like the all cabbage diet or the cookie diet but extremes like Jenny Craig or low carb (modified Atkins) South Beach type diets where I will be very strict with my food consumption, get close to my goal and then sabotage myself until I've gained it all back.

What is it going to take for me to get it right this time? I'm full of frustration!