Excuses Excuses ....

I have a million of them: I'm stressed, I'm tired, I had to work late, my friends are in town, I was at a party/wedding/birthday, I have a headache, my knee hurts, it's too cold, it's raining, it's snowing, it's too hot, it's dark, I'm congested, my asthma has been acting up, my allergies are bothering me, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH.

I have been using all these excuses and so many more. I think the only excuse I haven't used is "my dog ate it" but only because I don't have a damn dog, otherwise I'm sure I'd find a way to blame it for my inability to stay focused, eat right, stop binging on junk and work out harder and longer.

I spend more time reading about other people's weight loss successes instead of focusing on my own efforts. I feel like a fraud just having a blog that purports to chronicle my weight loss effort. I started reading blogs like Pasta Queen's (and so many other weight loss champions) when she had over 100 pounds more than me to lose and now she is running half marathons, has had her weight loss memoir published and living the life of a happy healthy person. I don't want to be back here choking on the dust as everyone else leaves me behind in their weight loss wake.

Everyday I wake up with a renewed determination. I tell myself that this is it, this is the beginning of the new me, this is the last time I will see "THAT" number on the scale. Will today be the day? Will that switch be flipped?

Yes! I have to do this NOW! I can't wait another day of floundering around.

NO MORE EXCUSES! JUST DO IT ALREADY!

My Hero

Ali Vincent is my hero! I always thought the Biggest Loser wasn't a fair game even though they calculated the percentage of weight loss instead of the number of pounds. We all know it is easier for guys to lose weight so it is no surprise that there had never been a female Biggest Loser ... until Ali. I was jumping out of my seat when Ali got on that scale because you could see that she knew she was a winner. Even before getting on the scale Ali said she already saw herself winning the title of Biggest Loser in her head, she pictured the confetti coming down and just knew that she was going to do it.

I know it sounds just like "The (BIG) Secret" everyone was talking about - if you believe it, it will happen. It does sound a bit new agey and hippy to say just keep thinking about your heart's desires and eventually they will come true but you can't just think about them, you have to take action to make these things happen.

Whether you want a new job, a dream house, a life partner, weight loss or whatever it is - you have to make the effort to work towards those goals. The dream job or person isn't going to come knockin' at your door and you are never going to lose weight if you keep beating yourself up and thinking deep down that you are a failure. If you think you will fail - you will. I need to think like a Big Loser, I need to accept my body the way it is (even if I don't particularly like it right now) and do the work that needs to be done to get me to where I want to be. I want to beam with happiness when I say "I did it" just like Ali did in the season finale.

I often see myself in many of the contestants of the Biggest Loser. Whether they are using their fat as a shield, stuffing their emotions down with food, using food to make them numb to the heartaches of life, and so other many complex mental issues every fat person has to deal with if they want to get rid of the fat. If you watch the show then you know the trainers always find out "why." Why did you gain weight?

I even had to vote for Mark to make it to the finals because I though Ali would have a better chance of beating him than she would if she went up against Roger. Roger had more to lose even though Mark is a fierce competitor (and bit of a cry baby). I guess there was no reason to worry about who Ali was going up against.

When Ali and Betty Sue got voted off early in the show and Ali said she was going to be the Biggest Loser you could see it in her eyes that she meant it, she believed it, she didn't say "I want to be" or "I think I can" she said I "WILL BE THE BIGGEST LOSER" and I think that makes all the difference. I need to stop saying I'm trying to lose weight or I want to lose weight and just keep telling myself that I can and I will.

I've known for a long time that my weight issues are in my head. I am determined to work on the mental stuff so I will lose this weight and finally get fit. After losing the last 50-60 pounds and regaining it all back I thought maybe I didn't do it right, maybe I didn't learn whatever lesson I needed to learn, maybe I need to keep a record of how I did it so I can get back to that place and not repeat the same mistakes again and maybe that is why I haven't been able to get into the losing mode.

I am done talking about it, I am done agonizing about it, I just need to shut up and do it. I believe I can finally figure this out and I will lose this weight once and for all.

I WILL!

*Cough* *Sniffle* *Cough*

In the wise words of Rosanne Rosanna Danna (for those of you who are old enough to remember when SNL was funny), "If it's not one thing, it's another." I'm still here and I'm still fighting this battle but it has been one step forward and two steps back.

I've had a miserable cough/cold for almost 4 weeks now and I just can't shake it. I hardly ever get sick *knock wood* but when I do I try to work through it and go about my day like I usually do and now I'm exhausted. I've been drinking shots of a NyQuil cocktail before bed every night and that certainly helps but the DayQuil keeps me in a fog which probably isn't a bad thing considering the atmosphere at my office lately. I've talked to a few people who have had this bug and they're all telling me it is 5-6 weeks before they felt better. I don't think I can get through another 2-3 weeks of this feeling like I've been run over by a truck.

It must be Spring Fever.

Stuck at the Starting Line

It is pathetic to think I started this blog over 7 months ago and still haven't made any significant progress in losing weight. I've been consistent in losing the same 1-5 pounds on any given week but always manage to f*ck it up with a binge with a side of lazy and then those damn hard-earned sweaty lost pounds find me and reattach themselves to my ass. It is so hard to lose every single pound and so easy to gain it right back. It seems like it takes thousands of burnt calories to lose a pound and very few calories to gain. Is it some sort of crazy new math?

I'm wondering if I'll ever get through to the healthy fit girl inside of me. I know she wants to get out, she keeps banging on the cage I have her trapped in, she screams in my head every morning when I try to button my pants, she looks away in disgust every time I catch my reflection, and she is disappointed every night I don't want to get naked with the lights on because I'm too ashamed of this fat body and keep pushing away.

I am so frustrated. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to find that inner strength and just win this battle once and for all. I want to learn how to live a life without binging and filling myself up with poisons.

I've been so stressed out lately at home and at work. I know I would be better able to deal with this stress if I were taking care of myself instead of stuffing chocolate down my throat on a regular basis.

I know it is all or nothing for me. I think that is why in the past I have been able to lose a substantial amount of weight on a structured program like Jenny Craig or low-carb Atkins/South Beach plans. Somehow that switch in my brain gets flipped and I'll get in "the zone" and stay focused until I get close to my goal weight and then *BAM!* I start rolling down the slippery slope of regaining it all back. It is such a common tale. I need to break this self-sabotaging cycle and push through the barriers that are keeping me fat.

I read so many inspiring stories of how people were able to lose massive amounts of weight while dealing with much more stressful lives than mine. We all have stress in our lives, we all have family or friends with health issues and work problems - I am no different than anyone else. I try to get inspired by all of you and strive to get that healthy mindset but I keep falling off the wagon and getting back on over and over again and the fall seems to be so much higher each time and so much harder to climb back up. It is exhausting. I'm worn out by the mental effort of pulling myself back up and forcing myself to try, try, and try again to reach for my goals. Every single day is a mental battle and I'm sorry to say I've lost that battle on too many days.

I'm holding fit girl hostage but for the life of me I can't seem to come up with the ransom to free her from the chains. She needs to break free, take control of the reigns and force her way out. Fit Girl, you can do it, you can escape, don't give up on me, you can take this fat girl and put a muzzle on her, she doesn't know what the hell she is doing to herself and she needs to be taken out.

I'm still at the starting line of this race and I need to make it to the finish no matter how long it takes. I've already wasted 7 months (and the majority of the past 20 years) but if I don't keep trying it will be another year and I'll be writing a similar post. I want to write a success story, I want to prove I am smart enough to figure this out, I want to get healthy and I want to be that Fit Girl. Come on, Fit Girl, I need you! Take control and just do it already.

Getting Out

After five weeks of playing nurse, dealing with all the stress and b.s. at work and being trapped in the crowded city, we finally made it up to Vermont for the weekend but it was anything but a smooth ride up. When we were only 10+ miles into our 160 mile ride Friday night we got a flat tire. Really?, a flat tire?, I must be joking right? My week/month/year hasn't been bad enough? At least it was still light out (thank you daylight savings) and we were close enough to call for help because you don't think it would be a simple tire change do you?

B and I struggled to change the tire because we couldn't get the locking lug off. B was bending, lifting, straining and probably setting his recovery back at least a week trying to get the damn thing unlocked. We just had the front breaks done a couple of weeks ago and they must have put the locking lugs on with an air gun in addition to the key looking a little stripped. I ended up walking to a gas station to get fix-a-flat ($13 for 2 cans) but we couldn't drive another 150 miles with just fix-a-flat. We ended up limping to a gas station and having B's Dad come up with some tools so we could try to get the locking lug off and change the tire but it wouldn't budge.

B ended up having his Dad drive him to the hardware store so he could buy a plug kit, he plugged the hole, filled it with air and then we were finally on our way - only a few hours behind schedule. Plugging a tire is so easy and can save you a lot of money for a simple tire puncture. We carry the plugs when we're on the ATVs in the woods with a small compressor we plug into the lighter but they work just as good on a car or truck if you have access to air.

We had friends go up early in the day so they had the wood stove and the hot tub cranking by the time we got there. I was finally able to breathe fresh air deep into my lungs and wake up to lightly fallen snow and wind chimes instead of sirens, horns, and bus brakes squealing. I was glad we had friends up so they could stay at the camp and keep B company for the day while I went riding Saturday.

It was the first time I ever went riding without B and I've been riding for about 15 years (driving my own sled since '97). I felt a little guilty going out all day but B had friends to keep him entertained and there are only so many days left to ride. Spring is only a week away and the trails officially close on April 15th. It felt great to be out on the trails but it was weird without B. My "other boyfriend" GP (one of the guys that was with us when B broke his back) went riding with me and every time we stopped and took a break we kept saying "f'n B had to go and break his back and ruin our season. What the hell was he thinking? He should be here with us. Poor B."

I definitely missed out on the best snow conditions the past month. Our ride was a bit slushy and mushy with some snirt and mud thrown in here and there. There were a couple of miles in the higher elevations that did have some pristine stretches of trail so I was able to get my fix before it all melts and I have to start counting the days until next season.

It was rejuvenating to get out and clear my head. When I got back to the camp they had a bonfire going (after finding and shoveling out the fire pit) and the most amazing steaks cooking on the grill. I was so happy to get up there, go riding and finally enjoy myself a little.

Too bad the weekends are so short. I hope you were able to get out and enjoy your weekend.

Is it Friday yet?

Karma

I am stunned, shocked and dazed! My boss called me in his office 15 minutes before quitting time to tell me he was parting ways with the firm. I have worked for this guy for the past 9+ years and he has been with the firm for over 20 years. He just told me earlier in the week that his wife was having a baby so I assumed he decided to get a life and get out of there so I was excited for him and asking where he was going and what he planned on doing. I felt like an *ss when the office manager walked in with a box of files and only then realized he was not leaving on his own accord, he was not going to be there a few weeks to do status memos and withdraw from all his cases, he was just being forced out of the firm right there and then.

Like everything else in that office, it is all very hush hush but it wasn't necessary to basically treated him like a criminal after he worked there for more than 20+ years. They changed all the system passwords and locked him out of his e-mail and calendar and basically escorted him out of the building in less than 30 minutes. This is just not the way these things are done in normal law firms. I remember when I left a firm after 6 years - they had a party, gifts, well wishes and my bosses even wrote and sung a song about me. They were sorry to see me leave but happy for me and showed their appreciation for all the hard work we accomplished over the years. I know when I leave this place there will be no party and as much as they may appreciate me now they will talk all sorts of smack about me when I'm gone. That is how they are. They do it to everyone that leaves no matter how good a lawyer, paralegal, legal assistant they are or how long and hard they have worked for the firm.

People think I'm exaggerating when I tell stories about my office. When I talk to friends who used to work there they brag about life being so much better on the outside. I have been thinking of leaving for a long time and actually went on an interview last week but the big problem is I cannot afford to take a cut in pay right now and I do get "combat" pay because otherwise nobody would stay in such a vile workplace.

I'm feeling trapped because until B recovers from his injury and gets a job I just can't take the pay cut. Not only would I have to take over a $10k reduction in salary but I will lose vacation time and other benefits. I'm so tired of living the life of an urban dwelling wage slave. I envy people who love their jobs and don't have to deal with abusive people on a day to day basis.

I believe in karma and I know someday these people will have to pay for their actions and misdeeds but that doesn't make it any easier to watch them use and abuse people. I've since spoken to my boss who was forced to resign and I think he is actually relieved. He said he never would have had the balls to quit that place and he had been miserable for years so they probably did him a favor but they certainly didn't go about it the right way. He knows he will end up in a better place like everyone else that has left over the years.

I have absolutely no respect for most of the people in my firm and I have to bite my tongue every single day and hold back from saying what is on my mind. I feel I'm on the verge of losing it and just quiting one of these days but it would be even worse to not have a paycheck.

Is it Friday yet?

Spring Ahead ...

Most people here in the Northeast look forward to spring, they are sick of the cold weather, they are sick of shoveling snow, they are sick of the heavy coats, scarfs, gloves and all the winter gear they need to pile on everyday but I'm not usually one of them. I have always loved the winter and will wish for a good blizzard or nor'easter. The more snow the better.

I love the way the snow softens the sounds of the city and puts a pure coat of white over the dirty streets making them seem safe and serene. I love to get out and play in the snow more than anything else and most winter weekends I am doing something in the snow. We used to spend our weekends skiing at one Vermont mountain or another where we would always have a great story to tell about some secret trail, a good wipe out or crazy lift ride. As long as nobody gets hurt it is always a blast to spend the day on the mountains. We would fly down some crazy black diamond trails and yell at each other to "go big or go home," or "if you ain't scared, you ain't skiing downhill." I even started snowboarding the past few years and spent lots of time on my *ss but loved every single sore minute of it.

The past few years we have done less skiing and snowboarding and more snowmobiling. We would anxiously await the weekend forecast and pray for fresh snow so we could plan our weekend rides around the best areas. The past few years we've had to trailer the sleds for miles to find the good snow but this year we were blessed and could take advantage of the trails in our own back yard. Cruising down the trials and in the woods on my snowmobile relaxes me, thrills me and gets my heart pumping like nothing else.

When I'm riding I'm not thinking about my stressful job or my battle of the bulge, I'm not thinking of how much weight I need to lose or the size of my thighs, I'm not thinking about all the housework that I need to do or the bills that need to get paid, I'm not thinking about anything except the trail ahead and taking in as much of the amazingly breathtaking scenery as I can. I have perm-a-grin all day long under that helmet and sleep like a baby after a good 150-200 mile day-long ride.

This past month has been incredibly tough because not only have I been playing nurse to B who broke his back but I haven't been able to take advantage of one of the best snowmobile seasons in the past decade. The riding this past month has been pristine and I have been stuck in the dirty, crowded, noisy city trying not to get too depressed about missing out. I'm jealous of everyone out there ripping up the trails and taking advantage of the white gold that finally found its way back to the great white north.

Every year on this day I would be hoping we still get a few of those big spring snowstorms to improve the trail conditions enough to get us through to the end of the season (April 15th) but this year I just want it to be over. I don't want to have to shovel it and deal with the cold if I can't have the joy of going out and playing in it.

Now I know how people who hibernate all winter feel. They just wait for those longer days and rejoice at the site of melting snow. I'm sad to say that I have reluctantly joined that group this year. I'm forced to look forward to next winter when my riding partner is back in the saddle and can join me on the trail again.

I'm not happy about it but I'm springing ahead ...

Big Girls Don't Cry

But I do. I can't seem to stop the tears once they start no matter how much I want to be strong, tough, thick skinned and assertive. Ever since I was a little girl I have always been overly sensitive and the tears will flow over the smallest things. Even when I'm mad as hell and want to fight and yell, which I do on occasion, I usually end up crying and can't seem to figure out how the hell to prevent it or stop the tears and toughen up. I hate to let people see me cry but I just can't control it. I need to figure out how to toughen up and shield myself with thicker skin and not these layers of fat. Am I trying to insulate myself? I need to find a way to control my emotions and the flood of tears so I don't feel like a blubbering idiot all the time. I'm 40 years old but still cry like a baby.

I have been trying to do some soul searching so I can find the reason behind the weight. What is keeping me fat? What is it that I keep trying to stuff down my throat? Why can't I find a way to let it all out and get control of my emotions? Why do I feel so out of control and taken advantage of in many situations? People keep telling me it doesn't pay to be nice, I shouldn't be so generous, I should just look out for myself but that doesn't seem right to me. I want to have control of my emotions and not feel like the dam is ready to burst at the drop of a hat, spilled milk or whatever trivial thing that sets me off.

I wonder if everything always has to go back to development and childhood years? I don't think I need to sit on a couch and tell a stranger about my mother and father? I'm sure I could entertain them with some crazy stories - at least the ones I actually remember - and could do my part to help them pay for a fancy new car or vacation home. I know I would never be able to get any closure because the few times I've brought up certain things to my mother she'll insist it never happened and I don't know what I'm talking about. I can be absolutely sure of some of my memories because my brother has the same ones but she'll tell us we don't know what we're talking about and will say "that never happened."


She has convinced herself that we had a perfect childhood and I don't think she can admit to some of things she did. I realize she was raising two kids by herself but it wouldn't hurt to admit that she wasn't always the perfect mother and we certainly did not have a perfect childhood.


I'm starting to think that the reason why I never wanted to have kids is because I didn't want to mess them up. I had a pretty messed up childhood and blocked out so many events. Do I really need to dig all that stuff up to get healthy? I remember reading a passage in Mitch Albom's book the Five People You Meet in Heaven that makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to put all the pieces back together.

He wrote:

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine
glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others
crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond
repair.

Will I ever be able to get control of my emotions or am I shattered beyond repair?


*****

Clarification/Update: I'm not talking about depression although life certainly gets me down sometimes and every woman knows that there are certain times when the moon is right we are more sensitive than others. I'm talking about getting overly emotional in everyday life. I can be feeling fine and having a great day and then tear up over an unintentional comment or thoughtless remark. I just feel as if my emotions are always so raw and right on the surface for everyone to see. I can't seem to hide the fact that I'm upset and when I allow people see how much they get to me it is so frustrating.


I want to be able to get mad and fight without all the waterworks. I want to be able to have an argument or express my emotions without the river of tears. I caught the end of Dirty Dancing this afternoon and starting bawling from the time Johnny came in and said "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," all the way through 'til the end of the movie. I can't even watch a stupid sappy 80's movie without making my make-up run.

Rock the Vote ...

I'm not talking Democrats or Republicans - I'm talking about a vote you can feel good about and can't we all use a little of that these days. There will be no negative campaign ads or ridiculous sound bites if you just head over to Peanut Blog & Jelly and get inspired by Sarah. I did.

Sarah is trying to win the final round of a contest for a triathlon team. Sarah is a runner who recently lost a lot of weight and she is trying to get a spot on the Evotri triathlon team. Please help a weight loss winner out and vote for her. Go Sarah!!!

You can vote for her by sending an email to: vote@evotri.com with 'Sarah McKibben - Final Round' in the subject.

http://pbj.typepad.com/peanut_blog_and_jelly/2008/02/the-final-count.html


Don't forget to vote!

Stir Crazy

I've been stuck in the house for over a week and I'm going a little stir crazy. I've only gone out of the house to go food shopping - the last time was at 8 a.m. this morning in the pouring rain because B woke up and wanted a ham and cheese omelet and we had no cheese or bread. I've spent the past week taking care of his every waking need and I'm exhausted. I'm planning on going back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about him being home alone. He still needs help getting in and out of bed. SY and his Dad will be around to check on him but it isn't the same as having someone stay with him all day. He hasn't slept much because he can't get comfortable in any position and now depression is starting to set in (for both of us). It's going to be a very long 6 weeks.

The first thing I did this morning was throw away a very large vanilla "get well" cake and a plate full of gooey chocolate brownies that B's mother made. Sugar is not medicine. Over the past few days I ate way too much cake and tiny little pieces of brownies before getting so disgusted and throwing the stuff in the trash. Even though it was making me sick I knew I would keep picking at it every time I walked in the kitchen. When someone hurts everyone wants to feed the pain with food and it usually isn't good food that will help a body heal. The comfort food people bring is full of sugar, flour and fat.

After tossing the cake and brownies in the trash I made sure I bought lots of healthy stuff for the week. I even saved $9.99 by using my free Purdue chicken coupon I won from Pasta Queen's chicken giveaway (thanks PQ). There are some amazing chicken recipes in the comments of that post so go and check them out. I still want to try the diet coke and ketchup one - it sounds weird but yummy.

Weight Watchers BBQ Chicken
1 lb. chicken breasts
1 cup of ketchup
12 oz can of diet coke
Mix together ketchup and diet coke. Place chicken breasts in a large skillet over high heat. Pour the ketchup & diet coke over the chicken. Heat until it reaches a full rolling boil. Cover and reduce to medium heat. Flip chicken once during cooking. After 45 minutes, uncover and turn heat back up to high. Cook until the sauce thickens.

This one sounds easy enough even I can make it. Looks easy enough to make when I get home from work tomorrow night. I eat chicken so often I'm always looking for different ways to prepare it but I don't like spending tons of time in the kitchen. Let me know if you have any easy chicken recipes.

Hope you all had a nice long weekend for those of you who celebrate Presidents' Day. Happy b-day Prez. Thanks for the day off. I can't remember the last time we didn't spend Presidents' Day playing in the snow. I told B we had to plan a snowmobile vacation for next Valentines Day to make up for this year.

Gotta run, my patient is calling.

Update: I made the chicken/diet coke/ketchup dish and it was delicious (and really easy). Try it, you'll like it.

A Broken Heart is Better Than a Broken Back

This will certainly be a Valentines Day to remember. After a very long wait in a room full of hurting bitchy people waiting hours to see the back specialist we now know the bad news - B broke his back (compressed fracture at T-12). The good news is he will not need surgery but won't even start to feel better for at least 4-6 weeks.


B says he knows what he's going to feel like when he's 100 yrs. old. I feel so bad for him and wish I could take away his pain. B is not a very good patient but is hurting severely so I can't blame him for being a grouch. He can't do a damn thing without assistance. I have him hopped up on percs and valium now (thanks doc) so hopefully he can get some pain relief and sleep.


B's snowmobile season is definitely over and I probably won't go riding the rest of the year without him. Anyone want to bet that this will end up being the best snowmobile season in decades now that we can't ride?


I'm going to start calling him Murphy. You know, Murphy as in Murphy's Law. My boss says I should stop taking time off because almost every time I take a vacation or have a day off something happens. If it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. Ok, enough of the pity party. I'm sorry to be such a bummer on this Valentines Day, Pre-Presidents Day weekend, spring training reporting Day.


I'd rather be at the office job I hate than playing nurse to the man I love. I don't think I'm getting any hot Valentine love today. I hope you all enjoy this Hallmark holiday whether you celebrate with a significant other or celebrate some self-love.

Achy-Breaky Valentines Day Wishes

Isn't it Ironic?

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
....
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face
....
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

- ALANIS MORISSETTE


Doesn't it figure that no sooner do I write a post about good things that something bad happens? B, SY and I met GP at the breakfast place early Saturday morning and we were anxious to get out on the trials in the fresh snow. We snowmobiled all morning in prime conditions. Almost two feet of newly fallen snow was groomed flat and the trails were in better shape than I've seen in years.


We rode from the state park in Groton and stopped for lunch in a little store about 75 miles north in Greensboro. After lunch we were cruising down the trails when we noticed B wasn't behind us. GP was the first to turn back and SY and I followed. We found B off trail, sprawled in the snow with the sled beside him. He got sucked into a field just off trail and hit a 5 foot culvert and smashed the other side and got thrown in the air. He thinks he and the sled went head over heels a few times and landed about 20 feet away with his sled landing a few feet from him facing the opposite direction. It took him over 30 minutes to get up with assistance.


Thankfully he always wears a helmet but he wasn't wearing the helmet cam I gave him for his birthday (he hasn't figured out how to use it yet) and B was last in line so we're not positive of the exact details of the crash but we could see the track marks of where he launched, the other side of the ditch he hit, how far he was in the air, where he initially came down and where he eventually landed. GP tried calling 911 but we had no service in the woods. We had to limp back to the store where we had lunch about 2 miles away. I thought the ride back was going to kill him, I could see tears in his eyes riding over every little bump and turn. B's snowmobile was barely drivable so SY drove B's and B rode less than 5 mph in serious pain. We called a friend to pick us up at the store but B had to sit and wait on a bench in excruciating pain for an hour and then another hour drive back to the camp.


I'm so glad the other guys were there because I would have been freaking out if it were just the two of us snowmobiling that day. GP and SY rode the trails back to the truck and drove the truck back to Greensboro with the trailer to pick up our sleds. It was a very long day that started off great and ended horribly.


B is a hurting unit and really messed up his back. He has an appointment with a back specialist but they can't see him 'til Thursday. He went to his old chiropractor just for an evaluation today; he doesn't think anything is broken and said he is lucky there was so much snow to cushion his fall or he probably would have broken his back.


Needless to say, we didn't get to ride the rest of the weekend. SY helped me plow out the camp, shovel the roof off and close down the water before heading back home yesterday. The 3 hour drive home was hard for him but he is more comfortable here at home and I really wanted him to go to the hospital here in the city instead of in the back woods of Vermont.


So the long weekend I was so excited about didn't turn out very good. I'm probably going to have to take a few additional days off of work to take care of him because I don't think he can be alone yet. He can't even get out of bed without assistance.

I really hope he is just bruised and doesn't need surgery. He paid $40 to the chiropractor today; it will be $300 to walk in the door of the back specialist, additional $ for any x-rays and $2,000+ if he needs an MRI. It wouldn't be so bad if he had health insurance but it could be a bumpy road if we have to pay any crazy hospital bills. Let's be sure our next president is someone who is serious about universal health coverage.

I think there is some old Yiddish saying about not admitting you are happy or life is good because you are tempting the fates or something like that. I was having such a blast riding and looking forward to getting lots of miles in over my long weekend. Looks like our snowmobile season is over and not because of lack of snow.

I guess I'll go back to bitching and moaning.

Happy Days

This post has nothing to do with Fonzi and the gang but I thought I would interrupt this regularly scheduled bitch and moan session about my weight loss (or lack thereof) to talk of happier things in my life. After reading through some of my posts I realized that I come across as rather sad and desperate but the truth is I am not as miserable as this blog makes me sound. My angst over my weight is always in the back of my mind but I do manage to have fun in spite of the fat.


While I don't like my job I make a decent paycheck that allows me to escape the city on the weekends and head north to Vermont. It is like a two day vacation every week because it is such a drastic change from living and working in the city. B and I bought a small camp about 9 years ago and we've been going there constantly ever since. Even though B has been out of work (again/still) which certainly puts a strain on our relationship we are happy together and just celebrated our 25th anniversary. Maybe we'll make it legal someday but that piece of paper was never really important to me but things change when you get older and you never know what could happen if we ever make that trip to Vegas.


B and I both upgraded to newer snowmobiles this year and we got well over a foot of snow in Vermont this week so we're planning on three days of good riding. I'm taking a vacation day Monday, next Monday is a holiday (happy b-day presidents), and then the following week I'm taking the week off. I hope we get even more snow so we can ride all over the state. The snowmobile season has been pretty lame the past few years (damn that global warming) so we're really excited about being able to ride in some great conditions. I'm so excited. I can't wait to ride.


I hope you all have a great weekend and if you live in the northeast get out and enjoy the snow!


Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Patriot Nation

It is a very dark day in Patriot Nation. I'm still in shock. I just can't believe the Pats are not the Super Bowl Champions. It was a truly amazing season and they should be proud of what they accomplished but they didn't get the icing on the cake.

It looked like the Patriots were destined for a perfect season until the last 3 minutes of the Super Bowl. I don't understand how Manning broke out of that tackle. Where was Tom's protection all night? What was up with Bill's red hoodie sweatshirt?

I'm too depressed to write anymore. We will have to wait another year to see the Pats get some new championship bling. I guess we need to put this under the category of "You Can't Win Them All."

100 Calorie Packs

Brilliant marketing idea, right? Sweet, Smart, Satisfying. Can't go wrong there, can you? You can have yummy snacks, satisfy your cravings and only consume 100 calories. Well, it sounded good at the time.

I have a couple of problems with this packaging concept. First, you pay a much higher price for these products because you can't trust yourself with the economy size bag of cookies or chips, you don't have enough control to each just a few so you pay a higher price to have someone put the crap in a smaller bag. I have to admit my biggest issue with these 100 calorie packs is I should know I can never eat just one.

I was having intense cravings for one of my most desirable trigger foods (chocolate covered pretzels). I was not going to give in to these cravings. I'm determined to lose my fat, right? Chocolate covered pretzels are not on the menu. So I resisted and resisted for months until I was lured by the old 100 calorie trick. I was at the supermarket picking up fresh vegetables, fruit, chicken and other healthy stuff and I was not going to buy any junk food. I was cruising the perimeter of the market and doing my best to avoid the tempting junk in the middle isles but got distracted as I headed to the checkout. My eyes feasted upon a display of 100 calorie packs including chocolate covered pretzels. Ahhhh...sounds perfect...I can satisfy my cravings without really going off plan and eating a whole bag of Flipz. Excellent!

Surely I can handle having a snack food in the house. I planned on having one 100 calorie pack as a special treat when the urge to snack hit hard and I needed something to keep my cravings from getting out of control. I didn't open the package and stuff them down my throat in the parking lot like I have in the past. I didn't hide the evidence before getting back home. I put the box away with the other groceries and felt like I was finally making some mental progress with my food disorder. Sure, I can control my cravings, I can stop binging and making myself sick with sugar, I can have a treat without going overboard. Oh, I'm such a silly girl sometimes because I was very wrong. I can't be trusted (yet).

I woke up in the middle of the night and inhaled the whole box of 100 calorie packs. Umm...800 calories worth *gulp*. What the hell was I thinking? I'm hoping it was at least less calories than a whole bag of those Flipz.

No more 100 calorie packs for me until I can be trusted to just eat 100 calories worth.

Weighing In ... Finally!

Let's be honest - you have to admit you have a problem before you can fix it, right? I know I have a serious weight problem and as much as I want to fix it I just seem to be floundering around and yo-yoing between fat and not so fat. I've had issues with my weight since I heard the first "thunder thigh" comment when I was at a healthy weight around 25 years ago.

It is about time I come clean about my weight. Since I started blogging I've been reluctant to put the numbers out there because I'm so embarrassed I let my weight climb back up to an all time high. So many bloggers out there who are over 300 pounds or higher get down to this weight and feel amazing but when it is your highest weight it feels horrible. I don't want to be miserable every time I look in the mirror, I don't want to cry every morning because I can't fit into any of my clothes, I don't want to have clothes ranging in size from a 9 to 18, I don't want to go through the rest of my life struggling to get out of this fat suit.

I have so much respect and admiration for all of the contestants on shows like the Biggest Loser who get on a giant scale in front of the world in a sports bra and lycra shorts. I can hardly look at pictures of myself fully clothed. Pictures is the next step but for now, here's the facts:

Finally, without further delay, my current weight is . . .

226!

226 pounds is what I've been lugging around for the better part of the past year. I remember holding steady around 200 pounds after my last big loss and fighting desperately not go over that 200 pound mark. Obviously, I lost that battle. I've gotten as low as 145 in my adult life and felt pretty good there although the weight charts say I should be in the 130's for my height. I'm barely 5'4" so I don't have a lot of height to carry all the extra fat cells. I'd be happy to get under 150 and see how I feel. I've been at this high weight for too long; I'm determined to get it off permanently this time. I never want to see this number (or, gasp, higher) ever again.

I want to come here and be accountable for my food intake including any binges which I'm working very hard to control and, hopefully, eliminate from my life. I don't want this to become a blog of "this is what I ate today" but I'm going to come clean about the foods that were "off plan" and try to figure out why I'm binging. Again, it is all about figuring out why I'm fat.

I'm renewing my commitment to lose weight. I'm going to weigh in on Mondays to keep myself honest about how hard I'm working. I don't want to go back to getting on the scale multiple times of day because I learned that I don't need to stress over every 1 pound fluctuation. 2008 is the year I finally figure it out. It is time for me to get on the treadmill and start sweating off some of this fat.

Why?

Why am I still fat? The obvious answer is I eat (binge) way too much and I don't move my ass enough. It really is a simple answer, right? If you watched Jillian with Ali on the Biggest Loser last week, that is exactly the question she insists needs to be answered so the weight doesn't find its way back. If I don't know the why of it I will be forced to keep making the same mistakes over and over again (that sounds familiar).

I need to figure out what is keeping me fat. Why do I keep insulating my body with fat when I get close to hitting my goal weight? Why do I always rebound and go back to eating the foods I know my body can't handle? Why do I continue to abuse my body?

I feel like I have been searching for the answers to the same question my entire life. The answer seems so elusive and out of reach. What am I not getting? What am I going to do this time that will make it different? How am I going to reach my goal and stay there?

I started writing this blog thinking it would force me to figure out what my problem is but find myself censoring what I write because I'm embarrassed by my compulsive eating and lack of focus and dedication to this weight loss effort. I'm going to try to write more openly about my food issues and disordered eating and worry less about being embarrassed by the amount of food I am able to consume. I do a lot of talking about weight loss but there is not enough action. Now is the time for a little less conversation - a little more action.

On the Mend

After going through a crazy amount of NyQuil I'm feeling a bit better although still not 100%. I've struggled through the work week and hit the pillow each night like a bag of rocks. I hope I'm past the worst of it and I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

I have so many projects to get done this weekend including finishing a wedding album. I don't know why I can't say no to people when they ask me to be their wedding photographer. I have one more wedding booked for May and I hope to decline any future wedding jobs. It is so much work and I just don't have the time to do it and work my day job. Of course I need to get everything done before sitting down to watch the Patriots kick some *ss on Sunday.

I plan on getting back to the important work of losing the lard, tracking my food intake and increasing my exercise sessions come next week so I hope to have more updates including some starting figures which are no worse after the holidays (imagine that).

I'm detoxing from the NyQuil and looking forward to a New England Patriots win on Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone. I hope to start catching up with all of you weight loss stars out there.

NyQuil and the Status Quo

I made it through the holidays, my sMother's extended visit, requisite outings for holiday cheer (way too many cocktails of the Stoli vodka variety), numerous dinners out, birthday celebrations, and all the family dramas ... oh, the DRAMA of it all ... but that is a very long post for another day (or very expensive therapy sessions).

So it is a New Year and I'm going to focus on the New Me (ok, maybe not "New" but definitely "Improved"). I never liked making New Year resolutions; I make them at least every Monday so I don't need to make any special ones just because a New Year has started. I do like to start each year looking back at all the good things that happened, what I learned from the bad things, who the important people in my life are, who are the toxic people who I need to distance myself from and what I can do going forward to make a better life for myself in the coming year.

I still have a hard time believing I turned 40 this year and I keep hearing Peggy Lee singing "Is that all there is?" I'm not getting any younger and if there are things I'm going to accomplish in my life I better get my ass in gear, right? This year I am determined to reach some of my goals.

It wasn't easy but I didn't make myself crazy over every cookie or "bad" food I ate, I didn't get on the scale everyday and I tried to get in some form of exercise everyday and I'm exactly the same weight I was before the holidays. How f'd up is that? I could barely lose a damn pound watching every bit of food and working out like crazy but when I stopped doing that, ate pretty much what I wanted and certainly overindulged on the holiday sweetness and I maintained the same weight? That is messed up.

So this is it, this is the year, 2008 is my year of change. I'm going to eat healthy foods and not beat myself up if I eat something "bad" 'cause you know I will; I'm going to exercise with determination (no walking on the treadmill barely breaking a sweat, I need to get wet and sweat it out regularly). No more excuses.

That is my plan for 2008 but I haven't been able to get past the starting line because I'm sick as a dog. As soon as the ball dropped, sMother went back home, and I kissed hello, merry, merry, happy, happy with every germ carrier I find myself on the NyQuil diet. It is certainly not how I wanted to kick start the New Year. I've been wiped out with a sore throat, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, fever and an extremely achy body so I've been on the very popular NyQuil diet (day and night) for over a week. UGGHHH! I've been too exhausted to even get on the computer at night let alone work out. I'm focusing on getting some much needed rest, lots of fluids and bottles of NyQuil. I hope to be back in fighting form and ready to win this battle I am waging on my fat cells after a weekend of taking it easy.

Time for another dose of NyQuil. Good Night.

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday visiting family and friends. I've been a bit stressed the past couple of weeks and haven't done so well on the "diet." I spent a few day around Christmas in sugar shock. I'm not sure how much damage has been done because I still haven't gotten on the scale but will be getting back on the weight loss wagon with a vengeance soon. My Mommy Dearest has been visiting since the 18th of December and does not go back home until Jan. 4th so my house (and my computer) has not been my own. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular schedule and getting down to some serious lard busting business soon. Here's to looking great in 2008!