Cake Coma

Happy Birthday to my father-in-law who turned 74 last week. He is an amazing man who I adore. I knew and loved him even before I ever met his son over 26 years ago. He's been more of a father to me than my own father. Since he was out of the country last week, my SIL had a little party for him tonight.

I had reasonably healthy portions of dinner and a small sliver of the white on white homemade birthday cake my SIL baked (Mmmmm ... cake ... mmm). It was absolutely delicious and I wouldn't have felt guilty about eating it if I only had that one sliver. We stayed to play cards and after a few hours of drinking coffee and water, resisting all the snack food and watching everyone munch, I gave in and had another piece of cake. UUGHHH! Do you see a pattern here? I certainly do. When will I learn how to keep the sweets out of my big mouth?

By the time we left I felt like my head was in a fog from all the sugar. I was dazed, stuffed and felt miserable. Having a few bad beats in poker and losing money didn't help either (I'm still up from last week though).

I really have to stop doing this to myself. Why do I crave sugar when it makes me feel so crappy? Why do I want it if it makes me miserable and fat? Why can't I just eat one sliver of birthday cake? Why can't I get this sugar addiction under control? There is no doubt I am, and always will be, a sugar addict. Like an alcoholic, I can't have just one.

I know there's nothing I can do about it now except get back on track and work the sugar out of my system. I know when I start eating that stuff it just makes me want it more and I can spiral out of control if I'm not careful. What's done is done and I just have to move on. The only problem with that plan is I have a big Italian wedding to go to tomorrow night.

How do you resist all the food at social events?

Sick Day

I hate wasting sick days actually being sick. It's such a waste of a day off. I can't remember the the last time I called in sick but I caught the nasty cough bug and just couldn't manage to drag my *ss out of bed and go to the office after hacking a lung all night.

I thought it was just allergies when I started sneezing the other day but then I got the sore throat, wheezing and hacking cough just in time for the weekend. It was 70 degrees on the Friday before a long weekend and I didn't even get out to enjoy it. Even though I spent most of the day in bed getting up only long enough to do a few loads of laundry, the day flew by quicker than any day at the office.

I'm off to suck down some DayQuil and salvage the weekend. I can't waste a weekend day in bed.

News Flash

Have I told you lately how much I hate my job?

I can't stand going to my office and dealing with all the sleazy b*st*rd lawyers but I need the paycheck to survive so I go there every day, bite my tongue and count the minutes until 5:00 on Friday. I feel guilty complaining about my job right now because there are so many people out there that are unemployed but I absolutely HATE IT!

I've been searching for a new job for a long time but haven't been able to find a decent position in this tough economy. Most law firms are making major cuts and my firm laid off about 8% of the staff but still expect the same amount of work to go out daily so it has gotten even worse. I hate my job so much I actually asked them to lay me off but they refused to do it. It doesn't aways pay to be good.

I met with a headhunter back in December and he finally got me an interview the other day. It went really well but I just found out they decided to go with another candidate. Out of the dozen or so people they interviewed it came down to me and another woman. The deciding factor for them was she was unemployed so they decided to give it to her instead. I understand their reasoning but I'm still disappointed I can't give my notice YET.

The search continues ....

Stuffed ...

I had a great time celebrating Easter with B's family. There is so much less drama with his family and we can just enjoy the holiday. I did a good job keeping my eating under control through dinner but it was after dinner I got into trouble.


After a very yummy dinner of ham and all the fixin's we cleared off the table to play poker. We usually play tournament no limit texas holdem but we decided to play a non-tournament game today. I did a great job managing my chip stack but I didn't do that well keeping away from all the sweets and treats that were piled around the kitchen.


I resisted the cookies, ricotta pie and other high calorie dishes but I did have some of a fruit/pudding/graham cracker concoction my SIL always makes on the holidays along with some crackers and dip, etc., etc., etc. I couldn't stop picking on stuff all afternoon as we played. By the time I left my SIL's house I was stuffed. UUGHH!

That bad news is that I'm sure I just gained back the 2 pounds I lost this past week but the good news is I have some extra cash in my pocket. I'm determined to get right back on track today and hope to get those two pounds back off AGAIN.

I'm glad there isn't another holiday feast for a few months. It is time to get back to this weight loss business.

Happy Easter!

Hope you all have a Happy Easter whether you are celebrating it this weekend, next weekend, two days ago or not at all.

I'm going to do my best to stay far away from the Peeps (which I don't even like but usually end up eating), marshmallow eggs (I've already had a few of these this past week), chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, Cadbury eggs (icky cream and not even tempting so resisting these should be easy for me) and other chocolaty goodies.

I'm looking forward to getting together with the family but wish it didn't always have to revolve around an all day food feast. I must resist the urge to stuff everything down my throat. It is just another Sunday and I won't use the holiday as an excuse to eat everything in sight all day long. I must resist the temptation and show a little restraint. Just because they only sell this stuff this time of year doesn't mean I need to eat it all. Wish me luck.

Enjoy!

Same Ol' Song and Dance ...

I'm still here, still doing the same ol' song and dance. The dial on the scale goes down a few pounds only to go back up a few pounds. Just thought I'd let you know nothing has changed, I'm still here, still frustrated, still fat, still trying ....

I Lost 100 Pounds!

April Fools!

I won't be fooling when I say the same thing next year. Well, actually that's not true, I don't think I have 100 pounds to lose, I don't think it's realistic to get that low and I don't think it would be possible to sustain a loss like that. I'll be just as happy to say "I lost 80-85-90 pounds!" You heard it here first. By this time next year I'm going to say it and mean it. No foolin'.

I'm not a big fan of the stupid pranks and jokes people like to play on this day for fools. I managed to make it through the day without being made a fool of. No foolin'.

This fool is still working hard to change her binge eating ways, get more exercise, eat healthier and shed the layers of fat from her body. I pity the fool (me) who doesn't learn from all her mistakes. No foolin'.

One Day at a Time ...

I've loved Valerie Bertinelli ever since I was a tween watching her play the innocent Barbara Cooper on One Day at a Time. I was envious when she married the amazing guitar god Eddie Van Halen and now I'm even more jealous she looks so smokin' hot in a bikini at 48. She always had a cute figure and was never scary skinny and never really fat either. She looks amazingly tone and healthy now on the cover of People.

I've been wondering if I should give Jenny Craig another shot but the thought of eating that packaged fake food again turns me right off. I know it works, I lost 60 pounds on the program decades ago. It works just like everything else but I don't think I can commit to it again. I'd rather keep working on trying to get a handle on eating real food, fruits, veggies, lean meats, you know, real food.

Check out Valerie's smokin' People cover shot here. 48 looks great.

STRESS!!!!

Have I mentioned I hate my job? I wonder if the stress of grinding away 40 hours/week in a job I hate has anything to do with my inability to let go of my fat. Is the fat protective armor? Does it serve any purpose? Sitting at a desk all day doesn't help even if I do run laps around the office especially now that they've cut the staff but still expect us to crank out the same amount of work with less support.

A recent article in Self says you can fill your shopping cart with stress busting foods. Here is what they suggest:

For brightening moods:
Almonds
Lowfat yogurt
Pistachios
Salmon
Scallops
Shrimp
Walnuts

B vitamins stimulate the brain's production of serotonin, helping you relax. Choose nuts for B6, fish and yogurt for B12.

For jump-starting immunity:
Blueberries
Broccoli
Green bell peppers
Kiwifruit
Strawberries
Tomatoes

Veg out with vitamin C, which blunts the effects of stress by reducing free radicals and bolstering your immune system. It is also your body's first line of defense against stressors like colds and exertion.

For managing anger:
Avocados
Bananas
Black beans
Corn
Potatoes
White beans

Feeling steamed? Seek out potassium, an electrolyte that helps lower blood pressure.

For sounder sleep:
Chickpeas
Lentils
Oatmeal
Pumpkin seeds
Spinach
Swiss chard

Magnesium acts as a natural tranquilizer that relaxes muscles, blood vessels and the gastrointestinal tract. Plus, the mineral plays a role in boosting serotonin.

I don't see any chocolate, bread or baked goods on this list so why are those always the foods I turn to when I'm stressed? I'm going to take this list to the market tomorrow and stock up on the good stuff.

Good Advice ...

Check out more Good Advice from Mother Nature here.

It's a Pity Party ...

Did you get the invitation? I'm having a little pity party for myself. There won't be any cake but there will be lots of alcohol, preferably Stoli, Kettle One or Grey Goose, and I'm going to get those freaky fun house mirrors that make everyone look svelte.

I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so frustrated and disgusted with myself. I'm still wearing the same fat clothes, still binging, still "phoning in" the workouts, still looking longingly at all the cute outfits I can't wear spilling out of my closets. I'm still thinking about losing weight but not actually making any significant progress. I want desperately to lose weight but I'm still making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I know I tend to get a little depressed this time of the year when the snow melts. Everything turns drab and brown until things start turning green. I know it's my own version of Spring Fever. I love the winter and the snow and hate to see it go. Mud season is so ugly and I'm certainly not looking forward to another hot summer trying to keep all my fat covered. Unless I get into the fast track to weight loss mode, I will be just as fat this summer as I was last summer. Shouldn't I have been at my goal already? Shouldn't I have at least made some progress? What the h*ll am I waiting for?

I've been reading tons of blogs trying to get inspired to get off my *ss and get serious again. There's lots of inspiration out there (thank you for doing your part). I feel like I'm just wasting years of my life in a body I don't particularly like. I don't even like to look at what I've done to my body. Does every fat girl avoid full length mirrors? or is it just me? The fatter I am the less I want to see. I know what my body can and should look like if I would just get off my *ss and work hard enough to lose the lard.

I know what I have to do. I know I need to make the commitment to myself and stick with the program. I'm not getting any younger and every day I poison my body with crap food is another day I get further from my goal. My healthy lifestyle is waiting for me and I want it NOW. This fat girl is not the real me.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. If you brought a gift, thank you, I hope it isn't food but a good hard kick the *ss (or at least top shelf vodka). Ok, everyone go home, the pity party is over. This is going to be the summer I get healthy, right?

Mother@#$%^Board ...

The motherboard on my PC died. I didn't even get to say goodbye. We came home from VT Sunday and the PC wouldn't fire up - WT?. It was working fine before we left on Friday, I shut it down and that was the last time I saw it alive. It's gone, dead, no lights, no photos, no websites, no blogs, no nothing. UGGH! It's always somethin', if it's not one thing it's another ....


I'm relieved I finally got my pictures copied onto a 1TB external hard drive I got for Christmas so at least I didn't lose any photos. My computer geek thinks the hard drive is fine so I should be able to get everything else off it *fingers crossed.* I wasn't planning on shelling out $500+ for a new PC but it's supposed to have tons of memory, a faster quad core processor blah, blah, blah. I'll be happy if it just stays alive and kickin' a few years.

Do you think electronics are only good for so many hours, programmed to die after so many hours so you have to buy the latest model because now all the parts to fix it are obsolete? Of course, it waits 'til the day after your extended warranty runs out. I think it's all a big scam. I guess I'm doing my part to keep the economy going.

Pipe Dreams?

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really figure out my issues with food. Will I ever be able to permanently get rid of these flabby rolls that have made a home on my 5'3" frame. Will I ever get to a point where I am comfortable with my body?

I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride, sick of denying myself foods I love, sick of giving in to the urges to binge and the post binge guilt, sick of losing a few pounds one week and gaining it back the next.

I've been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. When I was thin, I wasn't thin enough and would diet and lose and then gain it back plus some extra all the way up to my current all time high. I'm over 40 *gasp* and spent a lifetime screwing up my body. When will it stop?

I keep thinking the only way I can lose weight consistently is to completely get off the sugar/flour. It's so hard for me to commit to that (AGAIN) because it is so hard core and I always feel deprived but I know it works for me. My body doesn't know how to process that crap and it's obviously telling me that by holding onto all this flab.

Even when (not if) I lose the weight again I know can't stay away from that stuff forever so am I destined to repeat the lose/gain cycle for the rest of my life? Is it just a pipe dream to think I can get it right this time? I hope not. I can't give up the fight but I wonder if I will ever really win this war.

Spring Ahead ...

We lost an hour of sleep today but we get the benefit of more daylight hours so it's a good thing but I always get a little depressed this time of year. I like getting out of work while it is still light out but I hate to see the winter end. It looks like my season is going to end early with the warm temps we had this weekend. It was in the 70s here in Boston and the snow is melting fast up north.


Spring also makes me think how quickly another summer is approaching and if I don't get off my *ss and get serious about this weight loss I am going to end up spending ANOTHER summer trying to keep all my fat covered instead of enjoying the pool and other activities that require minimal clothing.


Just thinking about putting a bathing suit makes me break out in a cold sweat. I'm not brave enough to even try one on right now. Just thinking about it is stressing me out.


I keep making the same mistakes, going round in circles and not getting anywhere. I'm determined to get into a consistent exercise program and getting out of the sugar/carb cycle. I know what those simple carbs and sugar do to my system but I still continue to stuff them in my mouth. What is wrong with me?


I don't have any chance of getting to my goal by the time summer gets here but I can be well on my way to a healthier life if I get down to business and take care of myself, exercise at least an hour 5-6 days a week and stop stuffing my face with crap food.

I'm off to hit the treadmill and elliptical now. As much as I would like to hang on to winter, summer will be here before you know it.

Thematic Photographic - Winter

I have been slacking in my Thematic Photographic participation but wanted to be sure to post an entry on my favorite season - Winter. I know people are longing for Spring here but I am holding out for more snow. I absolutely love winter and winter sports - especially snowmobiling. You can check out more snowy winter photos on my VTRiders blog.

If you want to participate in the fun, head over to Written Inc. and check out the details.

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!!!

Vacation is Over :(

I can't believe it's Sunday night already. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Why do vacation days go by so much quicker than work days? I had so much fun playing in the snow. I wish I could have stayed in Vermont another week but I need those paychecks.

I haven't gotten on the scale yet but I'm hoping I didn't do too much damage. I didn't make the best choices eating on the road and grabbing snacks to have on the trail. I'm planning on a big food shopping trip tomorrow after work so I can stock up on healthy stuff and get back to the losing game.

I can't wait to check up on all of you. I hope you had a good week. If you want details of my snowmobile vacation you can check them out here.

VACATION!

We made it! We are finally on vacation. They are predicting lots of snow this week so the snowmobiling should be great. I can't wait to get out of the city and get some miles on my sled.

These Shoes Were Made for Walkin'

As I was getting ready to head out to lunch today around 1:30 pm I looked down and said to myself "I can't believe I wore my sneakers to work," and then I looked at my other foot and realized I had a different shoe on it. They were both black and, apparently, the same height because I didn't feel any difference. I couldn't stop laughing. Not only did I not realize I had two different shoes for over 5 hours but not one person in my office noticed it either. Luckily I keep a few extra pairs of shoes at work so I didn't have to walk around with two different shoes ALL day. I don't think I've ever done that before.

I must really need a vacation. Good thing I'm taking next week off to go snowmobiling in the great white north.

Is this what happens when you get old? I'm going to have to start double checking my footwear before I walk out the door in the morning.

Happy Valentines Day!

Today is Hilly's third annual self-love day a/k/a Pink Day. Here's the deal:

1. Head over to Hilly's site and grab yourself a banner (I'm too lazy to add the links here, sorry).

2. Post a banner on your site and then tell us all something that you really like/love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of the program).

3. Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4. Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!

5. Drop me (and Hilly) a line or a trackback so we know you participated too!

I've never been a big fan of this Hallmark holiday even though I'm lucky enough to have had the same Valentine for the past XXVI years (yes, I was just a young teen when we met). I'm thankful I get some good lovin' regularly but I tend to be pretty hard on myself so let's see if I can work on this self-love thing.

Ummm ... I've been sitting here staring at the screen for a while now trying to think of things I love about myself ... why is it so hard? The other type of self-love is so much easier ;).

Ok, I guess I can come up with a few things:

I love being adventurous and trying new things. Hey, I've even been bungee jumping. There is something about getting out of your comfort zone and doing something scary and new. You really feel like you're alive when your heart is racing even if you also feel like you're going to wet yourself.

I'm very accepting of people's faults for the most part. I love them for who they are and don't expect or want them to change. Of course, I'm not so accepting of my own faults but I'm working on that. Just because a person tells me someone is a b*tch/b*stard/!#$%, I don't just jump on their hate bandwagon. I make my own decision based on how the person treats me not on the stories I've heard about them. The exception to this is when someone has been abusive to someone I love, in that case they are dead to me.

I will do almost anything for my friends and family and even strangers in need. I try to be helpful if I see someone struggling or overloaded. It drives some of my friends crazy when I take the time to stop and offer directions when I see people looking lost staring at a map. I work in a city full of tourists and they're usually minutes away from the tourist traps but can't figure out where they are because all the maps are so hard to read. The tourists are always so appreciative when someone takes the time to offer assistance and I think it leaves a good impression of the city that we're not all stressed out rats running the race.

I'm extremely generous, sometimes more than I can afford to be. I love buying things or doing things for someone "just because." I don't wait for a birthday or special occasion to give someone a gift or even a small token to brighten their day and let them know I was thinking of them. I honestly enjoy giving more than receiving so I guess this is a little selfish on my part.

Physically, I love my blue eyes which have a darker ring around the iris. I love the way they change different shades of blue depending on the mood I'm in or what color I'm wearing. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse but people can usually tell how I'm feeling by looking in my eyes. I love that no matter how much weight I gain or lose my eyes are always bright and blue.

I'm not going to put my handful of readers on the spot to show me some love but I encourage you to show a little self-love. If this kind of self-love doesn't work for you, you can always try the other kind :).

Hugs and kisses to you all. Try not to be sad if you don't have a Valentine (you can be mine), flowers and chocolates are overrated, well, maybe not chocolate, chocolate is always good.

Happy Valentines/Pink Day!

Pink Slips

I am so stressed out! They handed out more pink slips at my office but the b*st*rds still refuse to give me one. I wish I could be thankful I have a decent paying job but I just can't. I dread going in there every single day. I've been actively searching for a new job, meeting headhunters, going on interviews, sending out resumes but there is nothing out there. I thought I had a decent job prospect on the line but after wasting my time interviewing I found out I'd have to take a huge cut in pay and go back down to 5 vacation days. No matter how miserable I am now I just can't take that kind of cut. I realize with the economy the way it is and thousands of unemployed people willing to work for cheap, I'm not going to be able to get out anytime soon so I need to suck it up and deal with it. Is it Friday yet?