Merry Christmas!

Shoppers are pushing and shoving each other trying to get the early bird sales and receive the maximum discounts on overpriced goods, parents are waiting in ridiculously long cold lines to get there hands on the last Wii or other must-have game, battles are being waged in the parking lots of malls, hoards of travelers are getting stuck in airports unable to get up in the friendly skies, difficult family members are in town for the duration, people are mainlining sugar and alcohol, gifts need to be bought and wrapped and serious house cleaning needs to get done before guests arrive. The clock is ticking and yet I still feel a bit detached from it all.

I wish I could get back the spirit of Christmas I had as a kid, being awed by the wonder of all the lights and decorated store windows, playing in the snow piled on the streets, shaking wrapped boxes and wondering if you were good enough to get on Santa's nice list as opposed to the dreaded naughty one. The only thing I worried about then was whether Santa would bring me those Rock em Sock em Robots, a new bike with the cool tassels, or whatever gift my little heart desired and wanted more than anything else in the world.

The real meaning of Christmas has been twisted and distorted by the pressure we put on ourselves trying to make things perfect and instead of enjoying our family and friends we just make ourselves crazy.

Apparently it is not politically correct to wish someone a Merry Christmas anymore; you are now encouraged and pressured to say Happy Holidays or Happy Christmakwanzaka or some such combination of all the holidays of every religion that celebrates something during the month of December. I'm surprised they haven't added Boxing Day to the hybrid of names. I understand not everyone celebrates this holiday but what harm are people inflicting on someone by uttering the words "Merry Christmas." I'm sorry but I don't understand what the big deal is. I wish people would just lighten up and stop be offended when someone wishes them a Merry Christmas. You don't have to believe in J.C., religion or commercialism to say "thank you" for the well wishes given to you by another human being in this crazy world.

A recent post on Blogography talks about people being encouraged to Take Back Christmas. I couldn't agree more with these eloquent words of David Simmer II, a brilliant commentator on world events and popular culture (or so he claims). Check it out, it is well worth the read.

With Christmas lights twinkling in my eyes and fresh fallen snow on my tongue, I sincerely wish you and yours a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! *thank you*

That's the Spirit

I really don't know how I'm getting through each day without knowing whether my weight is up or down. How am is supposed to know if I should feel good for being down a pound or depressed 'cause I gained one? My daily mood has almost always been dictated by what the scale, in its cold metal menacing way, told me. It is a bit scary not knowing whether those few cookies or catered lunch did any damage. I'm going to continue my scale avoidance test until the 1st of the year and I hope it will be kind to me when I get back on.

I haven't been able to do any serious workouts this past week but I'm continuing to follow Savy's advice by doing at least 30 minutes each day of some sort of exercise. Unfortunately, I think all the dancing I did at my office *Holiday* party didn't make up for the open bar (we had an amazing bartender with a very heavy hand). I ate very little of the incredible, mouth watering gourmet food by taking pictures and having a blast on the dance floor.

Every year I dread going to the *Holiday* party but who I can't pass up the opportunity for free food, booze, gifts and the chance to get some incriminating photos of my co-workers and bosses. It it always fun to watch the *ssholes try to act human and be nice and there is always the few who appear to have never seen an open bar before. Why do people insist on getting sloppy drunk wasted at office parties when they know they will be totally embarrassed by their drunkin' behavior? I'm not saying people shouldn't have a good time but we're not with our friends or at a frat party. I guess I'm lucky that I know when I've reached my limit and I put down the vodka and start drinking water. There is a lot of pressure to continue drinking but I know if I have one more drink I'll be spinnin' in my bed later that night and I hate that. I wonder why I know when I've reached my alcohol limit but have no shut off limit when I'm binging on sugar.

I had the distinct pleasure of having to drunksit my office mate as she got sick all over the $800/night hotel room. I stayed with her (holding her hair, rubbing her back, getting her changed and reassuring her she was not going to die) until her husband got there to take over (he was not very happy). I didn't want to be there but couldn't leave her in that condition. It was very messy and smelled nasty ... ewww. After I turned over my drunksitting duties I went down to the lobby to find a dozen or so of my colleagues causing a scene. Everyone was swaying, knocking over glasses, and yelling like foul-mouthed drunkin sailors. It was entertaining to watch but I'm glad I won't be ashamed of myself when I go into the office on Tuesday.

Hope you all enjoy your holiday parties but try not to do anything you will regret in the morning. Save your best drunkin moments for your good friends. I did have a bit of a hangover but B and I got up very early to go to VT. We had to meet the insurance guy early Saturday morning so we could ride our snowmobiles on Sunday. I'm so excited we finally have snow on opening day and I've been getting a great workout shoveling too. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Cheers!

Holding the Line

There are tons of determined and focused woman out there working hard and reaching their goals while I continue to spin my wheels. I read way too many blogs looking for that kick in the ass, that charge of inspiration, that spark to get my weight loss engine started. I know it isn't out there in blogs, magazines or The Biggest Loser - the spark is all in my head.

I'm so disappointed that I am no more closer to my goals now than I was back in July (just spinning wheels, round and round). I need to get my priorities straight and stop f'n around. I want this, I've wanted this for decades, I NEED to do this right this time. The sugar highs cannot be more important than my happiness. What am I trying to stuff down? Where is my strength to stop that fat girl's cravings and binges? She must be stopped. I need to dig out the root of my disordered relationship with food and learn why I keep making the same mistakes and repeating history. I can't keep letting the fat girl win the food battles - she is killing me.

I'm not giving up but I'm not going to make myself miserable over the holidays. The pressure of the season and the semi-annual 3 week long visit from "Mommy Dearest" is pushing me to the edge. On top of everything I just can't handle looking at the needle on the scale anymore. It is just too frustrating and depressing. I want to celebrate the holidays without the weight loss noose around my neck.

An amazing woman gave me some very good advice today (thanks Savy) and I'd be a fool not to take it. So here's the plan:

My goal is to NOT gain ANYTHING from this point forward until January 1st. I will not worry about losing weight right now; I'm just going to hold the line. This seems easy enough since that is what I've been doing lately but the catch is I am not going to weigh myself for the rest of the year. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, write it down, and then I will not get on the scale again until January 1st. This will be tough because over the years (decades?) I have gotten into the bad habit of weighing myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day). I don't think I'll miss getting on the scale and seeing the same number day after day but I'll need to find a place for my scale to spend the holidays. I'm going to have B hide it in the basement or bury it in a closet because I don't think I can resist its daily call; like food, if I see it I'll want it. So, bye, bye scale - see you in January.

I will also do a minimum of 30 minutes of some physical activity every day, even Christmas, even if it's just a slow walk. That's it. That is the goal for the rest of the month. I'm sure some of you will think this is a cop out but I think it will be good for me to regroup and get myself together for the amazing journey I will take for the last time.

In January 2008 I will post my weight and pictures (well, ahhh ... ummm, I'll have to work on the pictures), I will set very specific short term and long term goals, and I will get rid of this fat once and for all. I'm going to recharge my batteries, find that spark and get ready to kick some fat ass in 2008. Until then I'll be here holding the line.

Help!

I need help. I don't know what is wrong with me ... I'm not figuring anything out. I haven't lost any weight, I haven't been getting up early and working out, I haven't been bringing my lunch to work, I haven't stopped stuffing my face with sugar, I haven't done a damn thing towards reaching my goal.

I don't know why I can't get in that weight loss mode again. I've been thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, obsessing about it but, honestly, I haven't put in the effort to exercise more consistently and stop the binging. In the past week I've had cake, ice cream, candy, bread, cookies, pasta and every other carb loaded food out there in massive quantities.

Oh sure, I have moments of towing the line. I've been walking to the train station more often, I've been getting a work out in here and there but I have not been consistent with any of it. I've had some good days followed by days eating candy, pizza, chips, cookies, cake, ice cream and today I ate chocolate jimmies right out of the container (ugghh). What am I doing to myself?

What the hell am I waiting for? Why is my body fighting me? Doesn't it remember how good it feels to not carry all this extra weight? Where is my weight loss mojo?

At this point I'm hoping to just get through the holidays without any further expansion of my ass.

Who's Fat Now?

I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a huge Party of Five fan back in the day (ok, maybe a little) but that is not the reason why I LOVE Jennifer Love Hewitt ("Love"). Love is just the most recent celebrity to be zoomed in on and called fat because she has a real woman's figure, not the lollipop head on a stick like most of the Hollywood girls. She has boobs, she has hips and maybe not the smoothest thighs but for crying out loud she is NOT fat.

I don't know about you but I'd be ecstatic if my *ss looked like that in a bikini. She is so far from being fat. Love responded to the fat phobic tabloids stating "Like all women out there should, I love my body, I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong." Amen.

Taking pictures of minuscule amounts of cellulite on celebrities is not entertainment. I am so sick of reading how HUGE some celebrity has gotten when she is barely out of single digit sizes. It makes me sick. Women are supposed to have curves, right? How do we bring the Marilyn Monroe, Rubenesque, voluptuous body back in style? These magazines and shows pretend to worry about eating disorders and the epidemic it has become while models are collapsing on runways and woman are dying from starvation but that doesn't stop them from running full page ads of a bit of dimpled thigh with big headlines announcing who has let themselves go and has gotten SO FAT.

How can the average woman compare and live up to these unrealistic standards? It is not surprising that even the most healthy woman have issues with their bodies and don't believe they can ever be thin enough until they are in the hospital being fed through a tube too weak to stand and will still look in a mirror and think they are FAT. What are we doing to the woman of the world? Who decided that you can never be too thin? I'd love to see them in a bikini.

Love should LOVE her curves. Even Weetabix agrees, we LOVE Love. Love ROCKS!

'tis the Season

Oh Joy! I got my first Christmas card today. The holidays are here. If you listen to the advertisers the holidays were here before the Halloween decorations were taken down. The stores opened at midnight on Black Friday and people have been waiting in massive lines to join the masses in overspending. Ho, Ho, Ho!

Oh, did you hear a town in Florida wants to ban Santa from saying "Ho, Ho, Ho"? They say that some people may find it offensive and derogatory. If we weren't there already we have definitely crossed the line of being too politically correct. Call me crazy but I want my Santa to say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and I'm not offended if someone wishes me a "Merry Christmas."

Over the past few years I seemed to have lost my holiday spirit. It is all so commercial and nothing like it was when I was a kid and the only thing I had to worry about was whether Santa would bring me the toy I wanted. Some days I feel my joy has turned to dread at the thought of all the obligations and temptations coming from every direction.

There is so much pressure to do it all, do it early, get gifts bought and wrapped, get the Christmas cards bought, signed, stamped, and mailed, get gifts shipped, go to all the parties, get very little sleep and be surrounded by holiday temptations every day. It is no wonder the average person gains 7 pounds over the holidays. Some years I just want to take a vacation and get away from it all.

The frustration of trying to find the right gift for each person makes my head want to pop. The last few years I've given my nieces and nephews money or gift cards. I hate that. Money and gift cards is the easy way out but I don't want to waste my hard earned pay on things that will never see the light of day after the Christmas lights are put away. Gift cards and cash seem to say "I give up," "I don't know what the hell to get for you," "just go out and do the shopping yourself," "I can't be bothered to take the time to find you a present." I know the kids don't see it that way. The kids are happy to get the money but it just doesn't feel like Christmas if they only open an envelope. I hope I can do better this year. I actually picked up a few presents throughout the year (which is so not like me, I'm the Christmas Eve shopper) when I saw something that said this would be perfect for so and so.

I'm going to propose that next year we take all the money we would have spent on gifts for our friends and family (ok not the little kids 'cause that would be cruel) and buy something for ourselves that we've always wanted, put the money towards a trip or gym membership or whatever is important to you. When Christmas comes you write a note of thanks to everyone for making it possible for you to get whatever it is your little heart desired and we'll have birthday cake. After all, it is a birthday celebration, right?

Let's Talk Turkey

I'm working so hard to make changes in my life. This is the first Thanksgiving I can remember that I wasn't a groaning miserable mess holding my stomach and complaining how much it hurt from all the food I succeeded in shoveling down my throat in record time, lying on a sofa in a tryptophan coma watching football. I was awake and alert and didn't even need to unbutton my pants. How is that for change?

I filled my plate with lots of the healthy vegetables and tried to stay away from the fried appetizers, stuffing, smashed potatoes and sweets. I had very small portions of the stuff I love but didn't overdo it and didn't go back for seconds which is a vast improvement over previous years.

I think it is easier to socialize without overeating when you have healthy options available. I'm not one to be packing snacks in my purse but I just tried to fill up on the healthier stuff, drink lots of water and try to focus on the company and not the food.

The strangest thing is I actually kept the 3 pounds I lost last week off. I usually gain it back over the weekend but I didn't this week. I didn't eat any differently over the weekend so I'm not sure what that is all about. My body is just so messed up from years of dieting that I can work out like a maniac, eat rabbit food and gain but when I have a week with a holiday meal including bread, stuffing, potatoes, cake and pie I lose. There is no logic to the magic of weight loss. It really is a crap shoot.

Stressed Out

I am so STRESSED OUT!

Work: I've been working at the same law firm for over 9 years but I don't think I'll make it to my 10th anniversary. I have one boss who is really cool, we work great together and he is one of the few lawyers I respect. He is really the only reason why I've stayed there so long. If I didn't work for him I would have left many years ago. The firm politics and my other boss drive me insane. My office manager hasn't spoken to me since May because I complained about some crazy woman who was defacing the ladies' room (you wouldn't want to know the disgusting details). After months of complaints by all the other females in the office, they eventually fired the crazy lady after an extreme incident.

I shouldn't feel like an outsider at a place I've worked for 9 years. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends there but there are so many others who have stabbed me in the back at one time or another over the years. People don't believe me when I tell stories about what goes on in my office. I think it is sad that I wish my work weeks away for those 2 weekend days I don't have to go to that place and see most of those people.

When I start sending resumes out I sometimes think the devil you know is better than the one you don't. I'm afraid I'll just end up in another crazy hell hole even worse. I am such a creature of habit and hate the thought of starting a new job and having to prove myself ('cause they won't know how good I am). I'm thinking of changing careers but I can't afford to take a cut in pay right now.

... which leads right into my ...

Stress at Home: The love of my life ("B") has been out of work for over a year. Although we are not married we have been together forever. Over the past 20+ years I have always been the one with the steady paycheck. Some days I just want to scream. I bust my ass at work all day and I come home to dishes in the sink, the laundry piled high and the house a mess (and we don't have any kids). He'll offer to pick me up from the train station when I get out of work so we can go to the market together to get dinner. We got in a big fight last night because I said I wanted him to go to the market during the day so I wouldn't have to go after work. It would be nice if he cooked dinner once in a while or did some house work, don't ya think? I don't think I'm asking too much.

I know the job market is tough in his field because of the economy, and the fact that there are so many illegals willing to work for so much less. He can't do the physically demanding jobs he used to do. He doesn't even have health insurance which is now required for all Massachusetts residents. How do you afford health insurance when you aren't making any money? He has been self-employed or worked as a subcontractor most of his life so he has no 401K or retirement plan and he doesn't seem worried about it. He is in his mid 40s and it scares me to think what could happen. How is he going to afford to retire? We can't both live off of my retirement and there certainly won't be any social security by the time I am ready to collect it.

So, between work and home (and my usual family dramas) I've been living with a constant high level stress for an extended period of time and from what "they" say it is almost impossible to lose weight and you are likely to gain weight when you are stressed out. I'm not looking for an excuse for why I'm fat but the stress in my life certainly isn't helping. B really needs to get a job, get some health insurance, start saving for retirement and get off his ass and I really need a vacation!

Sorry for the depressing post - I should be posting about what I'm thankful for but I just needed to vent a little.

I am very thankful I have my health, a guy who loves me, family and friends, a decent paying job, a roof over my head and food on the table. I know there are people who are suffering and I don't have it so bad but if I can't complain about my problems who will?

And now it's the HOLIDAYS (HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY)!

I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and a stress-free holiday season.

Speaking Out and Eating Out

I had dinner with a woman I used to work with last night. We weren't very close when we worked together but I went to a few concerts with her and over the years we have gotten together once in a while for lunch (I don't think she has too many close friends).

She spent the better part of 4 hours talking about a sexual harassment problem she is having at work (and 2 of her brothers died in the last year) so it wasn't a jolly, laughin' drinkin' fun time.

She is extremely upset because she overheard one guy say to another (across the hall in another cubicle) "I bet you could make her scream" and a few days later she overheard these two guys and a few others talking about their favorite positions (again, across the hall in another cube). I have so many guy friends that it probably wouldn't even phase me to overhear that. Guys talk that locker room trash all the time. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do ... oh sorry ... this is serious stuff ... right?

She is so sensitive and traumatized by this that she's been losing sleep over it, doesn't want to go to work, can't make it in on time, and has been sending out resumes even though she really likes the job. She complained to management who said they have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of stuff so they had a little chat with the trash talking boys. Now my friend feels that these guys are shunning her. She wants to file a lawsuit but I honestly don't think she has a very good case.

These guys had always been polite to her and never said anything directly to her or even in the same room as her. They didn't know she was still in the office when they made these comments. I told her I think she would be wasting her money on a lawyer and if she was that uncomfortable about it she should start looking for a new job. Would you be offended, complain to management, talk to the guys yourself, laugh it off, or do nothing?

I'm not saying it's right but I don't think it's worth giving up a good job. She may be uncomfortable about it but I don't think she has a case for sexual harassment. Ya know, guys will be guys - they try to act like tough sexual animals around each other and brag about their stamina and sexual prowess. I didn't want to tell her she is overreacting. I felt bad for her but I really think she is sacrificing a great job because of a couple of guys talkin' smack.

I only had one cocktail but I wanted many (especially after the first 2 hours). We split an appetizer of pumpkin ravioli with some sort of reduced vinegar drizzle, I had an entree of rosemary chicken, asparagus and garlic potatoes and we split an amazing dessert of white chocolate, cream, fresh strawberry piece of heaven. I didn't stuff myself and the portions were very small so I don't think it was THAT bad although when you're trying to lose weight any dinner out is over the limit. Restaurants do not skimp on butter, oil and other fats to make their food taste amazing.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a work lunch at the very same restaurant today. The portions were twice as big and 1/3 of the price on the lunch menu. Why do restaurants charge so much more for dinner. I can understand a few extra dollars but this place had $7-12 lunch dishes and $18-30 dinner entrees. I always feel ripped off - I hate that. I did much better calorie-wise with the lunch. I had a delicious chicken, spinach, tomato and green bean dish (no cocktail, no appetizer and no dessert).

I'm hoping to get through the rest of the week without having to eat out again. It is so much harder to control how many calories I consume when I'm at a restaurant. I try to make good choices (I really wanted a cheesy pasta dinner) but it isn't easy.

I'm looking forward to winter so I can hibernate (actually, I love winter and can't wait to get out and play in the snow). I wonder how much weight a bear loses by hibernating through the winter. Maybe I need to sleep the weight off. Hey, maybe that is the next new diet craze ... they put you to sleep for a few months, feed you through a tube, put you on a machine that exercises your body and you'll wake up thin. I bet people would do it. They'll put you to sleep and you can LOSE 30 POUNDS IN 30 DAYS. It will be all the rage, the celebrities will be flocking to the sleeping spa. Just dream of your new body and wake up with it. Hmmmm ... wouldn't it be nice.

I want to get a good solid week of healthy eating in before facing the big bird next week. I'm determined to get through the weekend without regaining. Wish me luck.

Here's Looking at You

Have you ever avoided going to a function or reunion because you didn't want people to see how much weight you put on since the last time you saw them? I ran into an old boyfriend last night who I haven't seen in many years. It was good to see him and we had a great time catching up but afterwards I felt extremely embarrassed because I am so much heavier now than the last time I saw him.

I wonder if I would have gone to the function if I had known he was going to be there. He was really sweet, told me I looked beautiful and said he still regrets that he broke up with me (over 20 years ago). He did break my heart at the time but I got over the loss a long time ago. Logically, I know he really didn't care how much I weigh now but it was all I could think about.

The whole situation got me thinking about why I even care what he thinks? I know I don't need to impress him but I did walk away wishing I looked better. Why would I care more about what he thinks than the people I love and see everyday? Shouldn't I want to impress the guy I love and adore and see everyday more than some old boyfriend who broke up with me. Why should I worry about school reunions when I didn't even like those people when I was in school? Do I want them to just remember me when I was thin? or is it just vanity?

I don't want to miss out or regret seeing old friends because I'm afraid of what they'll think about how I look. I'm sure it would be different if I were always heavy but there is so much shame in feeling I have let myself go. I want to look forward to seeing old friends and not worry that they are thinking "I can't believe how fat she is now," "can you believe how much weight she's gained," etc. etc.

Don't get the wrong idea, my old flame is happily married with 5 kids and I'm happy in my very long-term relationship so it isn't about rekindling an old romance. I know it is silly but I really hope I look smokin' hot the next time I run into him.

Weekend Weakness

I was so proud of myself for not having any chocolate all week. I didn't buy candy to give out to the trick-or-treaters because I couldn't trust myself with it in the house (sorry kids). I know if it is in my house I will eat it even if I did buy those gross gummy things or something I didn't like. It was Halloween and there was chocolate everywhere. Every office I went to and every desk I passed had a bowl of something sweet trying to whisper sweet nothings to me. I resisted, I felt good, I made it through the week without giving in to all the temptation.


Unfortunately, my willpower didn't last through the weekend. I had ice cream, I had bread, I had pasta, I had more food than I should have but it wasn't a total disaster. I did eat all that stuff but I had reasonable portions so it wasn't a complete swan dive off the diet wagon just a little bump in the road.


I have been trying to look at the bright side of my weight loss efforts. I haven't been beating myself up because I haven't seen any real downward movement in the scale. I haven't used the lack of weight loss as an excuse to say "screw it." I'm not giving in this time. I've been drinking more water, I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, I've been eating much less sugar and simple carbs, and I have been getting more exercise. I'm trying to get satisfaction just going through the motions of eating right and moving move. Eventually the scale will have to give in and show me a loss, right?


I'm afraid to go all out, hard core, balls to the walls weight loss mode because that is what I've always done in the past and look where I ended up. I would be on a plan, any plan, and follow it religiously. I would lose "x" number of pounds and gain it back plus more. I know if I completely cut out the sugar and carbs I will lose weight fast but I want to lose it permanently this time. I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. I'm going to try the (very) slow and steady routine and see what happens.

Halloween Candy

I can't believe I got through Halloween and the DAY AFTER without eating one piece of chocolate. WhooHoo! I even brought a small bag of the bite sized fat pills home from the office for B. I told him to hide the bag and not eat them in front of me.

I've spent too many Halloweens feeling sick to my stomach because I gorged on FUN sized candy; one right after the other. Why do they call it FUN sized? It is only FUN for that 3 seconds. I didn't want to allow myself even one little piece because I know I wouldn't be able to just eat one. But come on, it's Halloween, how can I not eat any candy? It doesn't feel like Halloween without the sugar high.

Why are we so conditioned to eat certain things on holidays? They do sell turkeys all year round; candy is always available. Why do we feel pressured to eat certain things on certain holidays. I'm starting the NO CANDY Halloween tradition. I don't think it will catch on but it works for me right now.

I know I have a binge eating problem. I know I can't have just one right now. Maybe when I've made some real progress but not now. I have to stay away from those trigger foods like sugar (it is my crack). Unfortunately, those trigger foods are EVERYWHERE. I'm hoping to get through tomorrow without giving in to the enticing calls of the candy dish.

Red Sox Rolling Rally

Let's root, root, root for the home team!! It was a crazy Red Sox fan frenzy day in Boston. We didn't even have to wait 86 years for this one. I can't believe they swept the series in 4 games.

The office ordered hot dogs, beans, chili and all the fattening park fixings for lunch. They set up the big screen tv in the conference room so we could watch all the festivities. I stayed away from all that stuff and ate the salad they ordered for the vegetarians. It was so hard to stay away from the peanuts, chips and all the other snack food but I did it.

I took a walk as far up Winter Street as I could, got in the middle of the crowd, sang dirty water as the Duck Boats and the World Champions rode by. I was one of those people wearing red and waving.

It is good to be a sports fan in Boston these days. Thanks to the boys of Summer who gave us another World Series Championship! See you at Spring training!

An Apple a Day . . .

A recent study suggests that an Apple a Day Keeps the Calories at Bay. I usually only eat apples this time of year when they are fresh and I can go spend a day at the orchard picking my own. More often than not I get sick from eating too many. I don't consider it a binge because it only takes a couple to make me full and a few bites of a few more (you have to sample the different varieties) to make me feel sick. Not only that but I get all sorts of good exercise hiking all over the orchard, reaching for the juiciest, freshest and, of course, highest and hardest to reach apples. The apples at the supermarket just don't taste the same.

There is something so different and delicious about eating foods you have grown (or just picked). I'm not sure if it's because it's so much fresher with no preservatives or because it hasn't been touched by any other hands; it's hard to explain. My in-laws had a garden at their farm in VT and before that I didn't even like zucchini. I've picked fresh strawberries on a hot summer day. They tasted like someone had poured sugar on them - they were sooooo sweetest. Fresh corn is one of favorites (and the corn maze is a blast too). It doesn't even need the butter and salt I usually use on store bought corn. I once spent a day picking potatoes, wrapped one in foil and cooked it in a bonfire that night. It was the most amazing potato I ever tasted in my life. Too bad it was such back breaking work I'll never pick them again.

I absolutely love the winter (yeah, I know I'm in the minority) but I hate that all my fruits and vegetables have to come from the market or frozen in the winter months. I'm going to try to eat more apples and other fruits and veggies this winter even if they don't taste as good.

Do you notice the difference between fresh and store bought? What do you do when the snow falls, the farmers' markets are gone and you're stuck with supermarket or frozen varieties?

I'm going to cut up a fresh apple right now before it snows.

Fat Facts

It's official. I'm obese. I am still trying to work up the courage to post "before" pictures, measurements and weight but thought I would clue you in to just how far I need to go. I think my reluctance to post pictures and numbers is not that I don't want you to see me but I don't want to see myself. I need to suck it up and put it out there but until then - here is the fat facts:

My current BMI is 38.6 which puts me in the obese category. I'm not sure how close it is to morbidly obese and I don't want to find out. When I lose 80 pounds my BMI will be 24.9 which is normal.

So that is my goal. I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

Holidays

I swear I can gain weight just looking at food. Every pound lost takes a Herculean effort but it is easy as pie for me to gain a solid 3-5 lbs in a weekend away (even if I haven't eaten any pie).

I'm trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of food that comes with the holiday celebrations. First, there is the Halloween candy everywhere. Everyone is pushing sugar, sugar and more sugar. The store isles are filled with tons of it and every desk in my office has a "trick or treat" dish staring at me. After coming down off the sugar high we have to get through the holiday that is basically all about the food (turkey, stuffing, smashed potatoes, pies, cookies, cake, etc.). We give thanks for the abundance of food and curse it at the same time as we slip into a food overdose coma while watching football. After you get all the Tryptophan out of your system the holiday parties start. Friends want to get together for a cup or two (or ten) of holiday cheer, the gift baskets of food get delivered to the office, relatives visit and bring all their special dishes, Christmas celebrations abound, New Year's drinking ... oh, give my strength. Where do I buy fashionable holiday blinders so I can avoid looking at and giving in to all the temptations?

I want to go out and enjoy myself over the holidays. I want to celebrate but I don't want to get to the start of another year fatter than the last. I need a plan to get through these next couple of months without gaining even more weight. I'm at my highest weight ever and I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds for months.

Maybe I should just concentrate on not gaining, making the best choices I can and getting as much exercise as possible. I'll concentrate on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor and away from the buffet tables. I'll be the Dancin' Queen. Dancing burns calories, right? What do I do at the parties without a dance floor? The parties where the entertainment is food and booze.

How do you get through social events without diving off the weight loss wagon?

Depression and Fat

Which came first the depression or the fat? Are people depressed because they are fat or get fat because they are depressed? I always considered myself a happy glass-is-half-full kind of girl but have had bouts of depression the more weight I put on. I don't know if it is a cause and effect thing. I'm happy when I'm eating heathly and working out and I'm depressed when I binge and slack on the exercise. So why do I keep myself from being happy? There are studies on these issues but I'm too lazy to link to any of them.

I feel so disgusted and betrayed by my body. I have traveled down this road so many times and have gotten so lost. I need to think positive and believe that I can succeed even if I have failed so many times before. What will I do different this time? How will I make this happen? I still haven't worked that out yet.

There are so many woman out there who have so much more weight to lose but have such a positive attitude you just know they are going to make it to their goal. I've read blogs of woman who have lost more than 100 pounds while I've been messing around with the same 5-10 pounds. I have to get out of this funk and find that positive I-can-do-anything-I-set-my-mind-to mentality. Maybe it is all about the attitude.

Convenience Food?

It conveniently makes you fat.

How many different kinds of snack foods are out there? Thousands? Tens of Thousands? Seems like millions. Every store is a minefield of candy, chips, cookies, crackers, sugary treats -basically garbage. This garbage is strategically placed at the checkout line so I can't avoid seeing it, wanting it, trying to resist it, knowing I don't really want it if I REALLY want to lose weight. If I see it or smell it, I want it. If it's in my house, I'll eat it. I'm like Pavlov's dog conditioned to salivate over junk food and give into every temptation.

It seems they are coming out with new variations of junk food every day. It makes me sick just thinking about the amount of junk I've eaten. It doesn't seem humanly possible. Do we really need more varieties of this processed crap? Will the market ever be saturated with snack food? or will we just keep getting fatter and fatter? SUPER SIZE EVERYTHING = SUPER SIZING YOUR ASS!

I feel like I'm on a treasure hunt every time I try to find a healthy alternative. When the whole low carb Atkins craze was the rage the market responded by taking the carbs out of everything and marketing it to the thousands of people who were craving that sweet taste. It didn't work. People would eat the low carb substitute and be left hungry for the real thing. It was the same when any kind of "fat" was the enemy and the market responded by taking the fat out of everything only to replace it with sugar.

Isn't there enough of a market out there of people who want healthy choices? Why is it so inconvenient to eat healthy? I wish it were just as easy to find a side of broccoli as it is to find a side of fries. I'd love to be able to walk into the convenience store and grab something healthy. Where is the market for the people who don't want to mainline sugar?

I'm Worth It*

Bob, one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser, forced a member of his team, Patty, to admit she was worth it. Bob was in her face, telling her she could do it, she was a Mom, she was strong, she was worth it. He made her say it out loud, "I'm worth it." At first Patty whispered it quiet as a mouse like she didn't want anybody to hear her say it. She didn't believe it. He made her say it again, "I'm worth it." This time she said it with a little more conviction. Bob made her repeat it over and over again. Finally Patty yelled, "I'M WORTH IT" with tears streaming down her face. It was like a dam broke inside her. She admitted she was worth it although I'm not sure she truly believed what she was saying but she said it. I was crying too.

Just recently I wrote a post with the exact same words. I wrote about how I am my own worst critic. I'm always going out of my way to make sure everyone else is happy but I never give myself the same consideration. Maybe I should be talking to myself in the 3rd person. MB, "you are strong, you will do it this time, you will lose the weight, you will keep it off, you are a beautiful person no matter how much you weigh, you are worth it."

Whether I was thin or fat I've never been happy with myself. The more weight I gained the more unhappy I got. I would lose weight, sometimes a substantial amount, start to feel better, start to think I would make it, start to believe in myself and then . . . what . . . WTF happens then? Why haven't I been able to learn this lesson? I'm smarter than this - I just know it.

I've gotten so close to reaching my goals I could taste them (oh, they were soooo sweet). Shortly before reaching a magic number or fitting into those skinny jeans a spell would be cast over me. I would get out of control, I would binge my way back up the scale and back into my fat pants (and my fat pants would get bigger and bigger every time). Why did I always fall back into the bad habits, the binges, the caring but not caring about what I ate, the scale avoidance, the denial, the excuses?

After I climbed my way to another high point on the scale (or past that point but too afraid to get on the scale) it would take months, sometimes years, to get up the courage to try again. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I've never appreciated myself for just being me no matter what my weight. Yes, I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight and I will lose weight but until then I have to believe "I'm worth it" NOW no matter what the scale says. It doesn't matter whether it is 200, 300 or 400+ lbs, I'm worth the fight. I'm going to lose the weight, I'm going to be able to maintain the weight loss and I'm going to be a healthy person. Today is the youngest I'll be for the rest of my life. What am I waiting for. It is now or never. I'm not playing anymore. I'm not giving into the temptations. I'm not going to binge on chocolate, pizza, candy, bread, pasta, anything in excess anymore. I'm going to do it for myself just because "I'm worth it."

* Sorry for the somewhat repetitive post but I felt like Bob was talking to me tonight. I think it was a sign, a message from the ol' idiot box "hello, listen up, yeah, you, the girl crying over there, believe in yourself, you can do it, you're worth it." Thanks Bob.

The Maze

I never understood why people would pay money to walk around in a corn field. I'm sure the farmer down the road from our camp would let us walk through his for free but I was surprised that I had so much fun. On our way in we overheard a woman saying she made good time - it took her 2hrs., 15min. One of the "helpers" on one of the many bridges told us he had a family that was in the maze for over 5 hours! I told my friends that if we were in the maze for more than 3 hours I was taking the emergency exit and getting the hell out. Five hours is way too long to be inside a field of corn unless you are a farmer and it is harvest time.

So we start by getting a card to track our progress by stopping at pole punchers. We had to stamp our cards at randomly placed hole puncher poles with different shaped punchers at each one. You have to punch your card and find out whether you just went in a big circle or whether you were in a different part of the maze. When we finally made it through (1hr., 15 mins.; very good time) there was an aerial photo of the maze with all the symbols of the pole punchers marked so you can see what route you took. We were laughing going in circles and trying to mark the trails with rocks and arrows - it was hysterical.

It dawned on me later that the corn maze is like a weight loss journey. First you have to decide to go to the maze, drive down some winding back roads, through small villages, stop and ask for directions and finally make your way to the start of the maze. Going into the maze you have to pick one of the four different paths - Eeny, Meeny, Miney or Moe. Just like the number of diets out there. Each path will eventually lead you to your goal but you have to chose one and stick with it or go back and start all over again on a new path.

The object of the maze was to find our way to the Bell of Success. We were so excited as we rounded a corner and found what we thought was the Bell of Success but sadly realized it was the Bell of Frustration. We found all the clues, walked up and down hills of corn and still ended up stuck in the maze. You can eat right, exercise and do all the right things and still not see progress on the scale. You get frustrated and sometimes give up.

My weight loss battle has taken me down the same paths over and over again. I have rung the Bell of Frustration way too many times. Nobody can assure me that this time I will get on the right path. The guides on the bridge try to confuse you just like your friends or family may sabotage your weight loss efforts or how each new miracle weight loss scheme out there promises that if you follow their advice you will achieve your goals. Nobody can tell you which way is the right way for you. You need to find your own path, go at your own pace, take a few wrong turns here and there and, hopefully, not have to be rescued or take the emergency exit.

I'm working my way through the maze but I don't even know if I'm going in circles and won't know until I get to the end and I'm able to see the map and check the route I took. When you're inside the maze you have no idea where you are, you can go up and down the same path numerous times, keep coming up to the same pole punchers and think you've found success only to reach the Bell of Frustration.

I have been lost in the weight loss maze for years. I have worked hard only to end up ringing the Bell of Frustration. I have to keep moving forward and marking my way so I can finally reach the Bell of Success and get the hell out of the maze. When I finally finish and get out of the maze I'll finally be able to look back and see how I got there, where I went in circles, which wrong path I took and I'll know how to get through it. It will seem so easy after I find the right path and get to ring the Bell of Success. DING!! DING!! DING!!

Good Advice

Why is it so hard to take our own good advice? So many of us write posts about how we screwed up, we binged, we're disgusted with ourselves, went over our points, didn't exercise or didn't do this or that but then we'll go and leave comments for others telling them that they can do it, it was just a slip up, get back on track, stay positive, it will happen, you can do it. Why don't we listen to what we tell others? We sympathize with everyone except ourselves.

From now on I'm going to try to talk to myself as I would a friend. I would never call a friend a fat ass but that is what I think when I look in the mirror. I would never tell a friend she disgusts me but will think it when I eat in excess. I would never call a friend lazy but will think it every time I miss a workout.

I want to be positive and look forward to a healthy new life. I am determined to get there and stay there this time. Treat yourself with the love and respect you show to your friends. Who knows, this might be the missing link. Maybe I just need to believe in myself.

Just like the L*Oreal commercials say "I'm worth it" and so are you. Be good to yourself and start taking your own good advice.

Thank You!

I just wanted to say thank you to every single one of you that found your way here and took the time to leave words of encouragement. I never thought it would mean so much me to to get comments from "strangers." I have been lurking around your blogs for so long I feel like I know you intimately; hey, it's like being famous when people you have never met think they know you personally.

I was having such an awful day when I read Crabby's words of wisdom and it made me so grateful you are all there.

A special THANK YOU to Bean (my very first visitor); Chubby Chick (an amazing cheerleader), Amy, Princess, Savy, Elissa, Scale Junkie, the truly Amazing DietGirl and Crabby. In addition, even though they haven't commented here (yet), I'd also like to shout out a big thank you to the incredible shrinking Pasta Queen and the very witty and talented Wendy because they were the first blogs I started reading and I wouldn't have found you all without them (in a six degrees of separation way).

Can I have your autograph? I'm a huge fan!

Broken Record

There is a broken record going round and round in my head. It is scratchy and grates on my nerves like nails on a blackboard. It isn't a catchy tune and I don't want to hear it all day/every day for the rest of my life. The lyrics change from time to time but there is always a general theme: "fat ass, when are you going to get your shit together, are you going to be fat forever, you have to lose weight, you are too fat, what are you waiting for?"

I think about weight loss constantly but can't seem to consistently lose weight and keep it off. On a good week I can lose those 2 pounds but will gain them right back on the weekend and then start all over again. It is such a vicious cycle, it makes me dizzy and I want to get off. I'm sick of losing the same 2 pounds over and over again. It is so frustrating.

Is it the lack of a structured eating schedule on Saturday and Sunday? Do I think I deserve to eat what I want because I was "good" all week? Why do I find it so difficult to resist food I know I will regret eating? I regret it as I'm eating it but I continue to chew and swallow. Why do I make myself miserable by eating foods I know are sabotaging my efforts to lose weight?

I can go out to dinner or a party with the best intentions. I play all the diet girl games and know all the weight loss tricks. I drink lots of water, don't go hungry, fill up on veggies, stay away from the buffet table, take pictures so I keep my hands occupied and not reaching for the snacks but I always end up eating more than I planned and regretting every single bite.

If weight loss is so important to me why do I keep making the same mistakes? I suppose the bright side is I haven't given up yet. I haven't thrown in the towel. I know my future me does not want this body. I'm still determined to figure this out and give her the body she deserves. Eventually I'm going to smash that record into little pieces.

Broken Scale/Eviction Notice

My scale must be broken. It has been stuck in the same position for weeks and has not budged one iota. Maybe I should get a new digital scale that shows every fraction of a pound so I can see a loss no matter how negligible. I'd be happy with a tenth of a pound right now. I've been eating right and moving my ass but the scale refuses to move downward. WTF!

I'm probably retaining water or gaining muscle or whatever but when I work hard I want to see the results on the scale. I feel like the damn thing is mocking me. I think I heard it snickering at me this morning "I'm going to mess with your head." It is an evil appliance and I'm so tempted to hurl it right out the window. Why should it have the power to make me feel good or bad?

I know I shouldn't stress over the numbers on the scale. Eating right, exercising and living a healthy life should be enough of a reward but I want to see a lower number, dammit! I'm doing the right things so eventually my body will realize it has to give up its fight to keep the fat, right?

I realize muscle weighs more than fat and I know there are numerous reasons why I may not see a loss on the scale. I've screwed with my metabolism so severely over the years I have to work harder and harder each time I get serious about losing weight. My body has gotten very attached to all the fat it has been living with for so many years but it has to go now. The fat party is over. I'm hereby giving my fat an eviction notice. Hey Fat, "Get out and stay out! I can't live with you anymore. You are no good for me. Get out of my life. I hate you. You make me sick. You need to go far far away and never come back. Just go! Do you hear me?? Get out!!!"

Huge Loss

Unfortunately, this post is not about my weight loss. The city I live in recently suffered a huge loss. Our Mayor lost in the primary election yesterday because many of his supporters did not think it was important to vote in the primary election. I spoke to many people who said they were just going to vote for him in the general election but they will not get a chance to do that because he had to make it through the primary to be on the ticket for the general election. People really don't seem to understand how important it is to get out and vote.

I have voted in every election since I turned 18. I didn't always vote FOR a candidate but sometimes had to use my vote for the person I disliked the least. Our Mayor was the only person I wholeheartedly supported because he was an honest man with integrity and our city was being run by a bunch of thugs who were using taxpayers' money for their own personal gain.

It scares me to think what will happen to my city now. My choices in November will be (a) a nice guy with lots of money but totally unqualified; and (b) a lying, cheating, back stabbing, back door dealing bad guy who wants to bring back the corruption we just got rid of last term. I'm not confident in either of them but will definitely get out and vote.

I wonder what would happen if our right to vote was taken away. Would anyone care?

Is Brit FAT?

I'm sure everyone has seen Britney's recent VMA performance by now. Even if you didn't watch the VMA's you must have seen clips or pictures from it on the news, entertainment shows, magazines or computer sites. If you have been living under a rock and haven't seen it yet you can check it out here.

I'm sure most people would agree that it was not the spectacular comeback it was advertised to be. I think most would agree that the weave, wig or whatever it was did not look pretty, the *dancing* was more like a low class beginner's strip show and most people were probably wondering what kind of drugs she was on or when she was going to stumble right off of those 5 inch CFM boots.

What I can't understand is how they can call her FAT! Do you think she looked fat? Ok, she wasn't a lollipop head stick figure but she certainly was not fat. I'm not a fan but I just can't believe people think she is FAT. If she is FAT, what am I?

I don't think her outfit was flattering at all, she doesn't have her teenage body anymore and wasn't very tone but she absolutely was not fat. She should and could have worn some amazing designer outfit that would have shown off her curves and she would have looked fabulous but she basically wore a sparkly bra and panties (I guess we can all be glad she was finally wearing panties).

I would be ecstatic if my body were as *fat* as hers. Come on people, just look at her stomach. This girl just had TWO BABIES in the last three years. I'm sure this is one of the reasons why virtually every woman in this country has some sort of eating disorder or issue with their weight no matter what their size.

What is wrong with us? Why are we being encouraged to be a size 0 or 00? What is that about? I don't think it is attractive to have a layer of skin on top of your skeleton. I like my curves (although right now I admit there is way too much jiggle over them). Woman are supposed to have curves. That is the way we were made. We are not supposed to look like pubescent boys.

It depresses me to think that even if I got down to my goal weight some people would still think I was fat. That is just so messed up and makes me want to scream. I find myself yelling at the TV or shaking my head and muttering to magazines headlines "SHE IS NOT FAT."

Brit may be strange or just a bit kooky, she may or may not be a good mom, she may make very poor choices in men, she may party too much, she may need some serious fashion advice and a good hairdresser and she may forget to wear underwear most nights but she is absolutely 100%, no doubt about it in my mind, NOT FAT.

Would you be happy with Brit's body? Would you feel fat if that was the body you saw in the mirror? How would you feel if you looked like that and people were calling you fat?

Sick of Salad

I am so sick of eating salads, grilled chicken, baked fish, and all the other *healthy* foods I constantly force myself to eat (except watermelon -yumm). I was choking down my salad with grilled chicken at lunch on Friday. I would take a bite and want to spit it out. It just wasn't cutting it. I ended up throwing half of it away when I usually eat the whole thing. I felt ravenous all morning and was planning on getting the fish but the deli ran out so I was stuck with the same ol' thing. In the past I have been successful losing weight by eating lots and lots of salad. I've tried every type of salad out there. I experiment with different lettuce, toppings, dressings and protein but it is still just a salad.

I think that is why so many people can only stay on a healthy eating plan for short periods and then they get bored to tears and give up by eating something delicious and sinful.

What do you do when you are just sick and tired of eating the same boring foods? "Mix it up," you say? But what do you mix it up with? A different kind of lettuce, a new species of fish, a free-range turkey, tofu? Please help before I fall asleep in my chicken kabob salad.

Where do you find inspiration?

Do you carry a photo of a slimmer or fatter self? Do you put pictures of models with your dream body on the refrigerator? Do you have skinny jeans or a dress you want to fit into hanging where you have to see it every day? Do you watch all those weight loss programs and infomercials looking for the key? Do you read weight loss blogs (obviously you do if you are reading this); but do they inspire you?

I find that I am more inspired by the average person than the celebrity who can drop the baby weight or lose 50+ lbs for a movie roll or photo shoot in a matter of weeks. I don't know why I think it is easier for the rich and famous to lose weight. I guess I assume they have more time and resources to keep them healthy. Maybe I need to get a trainer to get my fat ass to the gym or hire an amazing chef to cook some tasty healthy meals but deep down I know it doesn't matter how fat your bank account is - it is the decisions you make each and every day.

The rich and famous have more of an incentive to look good while the average person can go through life hiding from the camera and avoiding the mirror if we want to. I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw my fat ass on the cover of a magazine with some horrific headline like "it is not a fat suit." *shudder* Just knowing that there are high power zoom lenses out there trying to get an unflattering shot of the dimples on your thighs or butt must give them a kick in the ass to put in that extra hour of cardio or pass up the dessert or extra glass of wine. Shouldn't being healthy and feeling good be incentive enough?

I try to find inspiration everywhere. I am constantly inspired by some of the amazing woman out there in the blogsphere. I find inspiration in every new post of many successful (and still working it or just started) weight loss heros. Jennette is the PastaQueen who has lost more than half of herself and is thisclose to her goal; Shauna is the DietGirl who really isn't on a "diet" anymore but the name kind of stuck; and Erin at Lose the Budda is finally getting comfortable in her size 10s. These are just a few of the incredible shrinking woman out there who prove that if you can commit to a program of eating well and moving your ass you can reach your goals (or find you are happy without actually reaching that magic number). Thanks for showing us that it is not always easy but it is possible.

Where is the track ?

I can't seem to find the track. How do you stay on track? When I'm following WW and stay within my points, I'm on track; when I'm following Atkins and stay away from carbs, I'm on track; when I'm following OA and stay away from all the white stuff, I'm on track; when I'm following Jenny Craig and eating their prepared food, I'm on track. I've tried all of these things and so many more. I've spent years on track but my track has just been a vicious circle. My track just keeps going round and round. I'm so dizzy I could puke. I've taken the track and it always leads me right back to where I don't want to be. Where is the on-ramp to the track that will finally get me to my destination? What is the destination? Will I ever be happy with my body? Will I continue to struggle with it every single day of my life?

I'm at my highest weight of all time and still can't find the motivation to get serious about losing this weight. What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever have my "ah hahhhh" moment when I break through whatever is holding me back and be able to lose it and keep it off permanently? What if I can't find the right track?

Feel Like a Number

I've spent the majority of my life striving to attain a number. I'm always focused on the numbers. Every diet starts by calculating how many weeks it will take to lose x amount of weight . . . if I lose 2 lbs a week I can be down 32 pounds by Christmas but the first week I get on the scale and don't see the 2 lbs loss I get frustrated and lose focus the of big picture.

I'm a photographer - I know how important focus is. I need to focus on the everyday decisions and not the end result. That doesn't mean I'm not going to get on the scale to track how many pounds I lost but if I'm going to make a lifetime commitment to change the way I deal with food I need to take it one decision at a time. Let the numbers fall where they may. The journey should be what it is all about - not the end result. I don't want to crunch numbers every day for the rest of my life. I don't want my life to be ruled by the numbers on the scale, how many calories, how many miles on the treadmill, how many inches, what size pants, etc. I don't need the scale to tell me whether I should feel good or depressed that day. I just want to feel better about myself.

I don't know if I'm ready to post all the numbers. There are so many people out there who are so open about how much they weigh and what their measurements are but I am so embarrassed about my weight. I don't think I have the courage to put it out there for everyone to see. I'm going to start off by working off 70 pounds and hopefully will find the courage to post some pictures and some measurements. I'm not even going to think about how many weeks that will take. I'm just going to work on getting there when I get there.

Sugar is my Crack

I'm addicted to sugar - all kinds of sugar. This shit is worse than crack cocaine. No matter how many times I tell myself it is about moderation I can find myself in the middle of an all out binge. I convince myself I can certainly have ONE piece of chocolate, cookie, cake or whatever but then I'll find myself feeling nauseous because I've eaten the whole bar, bag or pan. I sometimes feel like Homer with his mouth hanging open, drool running down his chin mumbling something about donuts until I come out of the food coma/sugar shock. That is when regret and disgust come running in the room.

I don't know what happens to my brain on sugar. Is it like that commercial with the egg in the frying pan? . . . this is your brain, this is your brain on SUGAR *SMASH* your brain is a bunch of egg yoke all over the walls.

Why do I torture myself with thoughts of weight loss while simultaneously eating an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels (and I'm not talking about the little individual serving size either)? I haven't done this in at least a month but it has happened more times than I care to remember.

Every waking day of my life is a struggle to resist overloading on sugar or carbs. Every family function, every day at the office, every BBQ and birthday party is a struggle. Just last week at the office there was a party to celebrate a new baby (Jen's) and a wedding (Dena's); there was a vanilla cake with strawberries, a chocolate mousse-type cake and a full set up of Brigham's ice cream with all the fixings (jimmies, hot fudge, whipped cream, etc.). I need to find the strength to be able to attend these things without giving into the temptation. I know it is possible to resist, I've done it, but it just sucks. How do you handle all the temptations? Do you become anti-social? do you tie your hands behind your back? wire your jaw shut? pretend you are happy to sit and celebrate with a glass of water or tea? How the f*** do you celebrate with celery?

I think it would be easier to give up crack (thankfully I don't have any first hand knowledge of this - I have enough problems). Crack isn't something you have to do multiple times a day, you can't buy it everywhere although I'm sure most high school kids could tell you where to get it, and you couldn't do it just about everywhere, every single day for your entire life or you will die. You have to eat, right? You can't just say "I'm going to get clean," "I'm going to give up food," "I'm going to stay away from the places where they have food," "I'm going to rehab." In the words of Amy Winehouse "I say NOOO, NOOO, NOOO." You can't just give up eating and after 40 years I can't seem to figure out how to do it right.

I need to find answers, I need to find the key, I need to flick that switch in my brain, I need to retrain my brain and stop my hands from shoveling food in my mouth. I'm getting desperate. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm trying to work up the courage to post some "before" pictures so you can see what I'm dealing with but I can hardly stand to look at pictures of myself let alone put them on the world wide web for all to see but I'm working on it.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Hello, my name is MB and I'm addicted to sugar.

No Binge

I guess it it progress that I didn't binge this weekend. I do need to learn how to handle social situations that revolve around food. It is hard to resist the pressure to just try a bite of this and it won't hurt to have a little bit of that. I know I'll feel disgusted with myself if I give into the temptations but it is depressing just watching everyone else enjoy themselves and not worry about how many calories or fat grams are in this or that delicious looking treat. I don't want to have to worry about every little thing but I need to eat sensibly most of the time and not "treat" myself everyday.

I am going to try to focus on getting more exercise and increasing my endurance. All my previous weight loss attempts, whether they were successful or not, revolved around the food. The more I restricted my food the more binge episodes I would have. It is a vicious cycle and I have to get out of it. I'm hoping that if I concentrate on working out regularly that the food will follow. I obviously need to pay attention to both but I can't always be obsessed with every morsel that gets past my lips. It is a slow start but hopefully slow and steady will finally win the race.

I'm not going to obsess about the numbers on the scale or whether I put too much dressing on my salad. I want to change my lifestyle and finally feel good about myself. I want to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to like what I see in the mirror.

I always wonder if I didn't start that first diet whether I would still be wearing a size 10 and looking like an average girl.

Starting Over, Again, at 40!

I must be living in the twilight zone. I can't be 40, can I? How is that possible? The truth is I turned 40 in July and, just like almost every year of my life, my birthday wish has been to get in shape, lose the weight and finally figure out my issues so I can lose the weight for good.

I know how to lose the weight. I've done it before - numerous times. My past diets are an extensive list. I can't even remember them all. I've done all the crazy and not so crazy diets, just like everyone else in this blogging weight obsessed community. Every magizine is full of before and after photos, celebrities who lost a ton or gained a ton, she's too thin, she's too fat, it is so insane. I wanted to scream when I saw an article where they zoomed in on celebrities' cellulite with lenses more powerful than the hubble telescope. They ripped these woman apart. They were NOT fat. They barely had a dimple on their thighs and then they wonder why every woman in this country has some sort of obsession with their weight and is obsessed with trying to fit the mold.

I'm not looking to fit in any mold. I have curves; I don't want to look like a teenaged boy. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I don't want to spill over the seat on the train, I want to feel sexy for my boyfriend, I want to want to have sex (it's been a while), I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I really, really want it. So, if I REALLY want it why do I keep binging, why do I keep eating things that I know are bad for me, why, why, why? I think about my weight constantly, I read tons of weight related blogs (my hero is pastaqueen). PQ has lost more than half her weight by . . . DIET and EXERCISE!!! I started reading her blog when she was much heavier than I am now. I was determined to lose weight along with her. She is almost at her goal and I still haven't really gotten started. We all know HOW to do it - eat less and move more. Sounds so simple, huh? My problem is in my head. I will eat until I feel sick and promise myself I will never do it again, I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday, I'll have good days and then it all falls apart. I spend so much energy thinking about it, doing it and then having to start all over again. I don't want to do it anymore.

I've had successful attempts at losing it. I lost about 60 pounds about 10 years ago on Jenny C. but gained it all back. Five years ago I lost around 65 pounds on a modified South Beach/Atkins/OA-type diet. Basically I didn't each anything white for more than a year (no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, or flour). It was torture but I felt great, I looked pretty good and then I ate a crouton and blew up like a deer tick. Obviously, I ate more than a crouton but you get the idea.

Currently I am at my heaviest weight EVER. I can't stand it. I'm smarter than this. I know I can lose it but what I can't figure out is why I keep sabotaging myself and gaining it all back. I'm so much happier when I'm able to buy "normal" size clothes, feel fit and like what I see in the mirror. I can barely stand to look in a mirror these days. I am disgusted. I need to change. I don't want to spend the next 40 years in the yo-yo cycle. I am determined to figure this out!

My goal is to lose at least 70 pounds. I can't even believe I have that much to lose (AGAIN) but I do. That is not an unrealistic goal. If I look at charts for my height I should probably lose more like 80 or 85 pounds but I'm not going to stress out about getting to a specific number, I just need the number to go down.

I'm hoping by writing here I will be able to get the motivation I need to not only lose it, AGAIN, but to keep it off. Wish me luck!